Crap I don’t Want for Father’s Day

Father's DayFather’s Day – Oh, how I hate you.

As a father to 0-3 kids (sometimes I claim them…sometimes I don’t), I hate Father’s Day.  I know I’m an awesome father, why do I need a special day?  Father’s Day is a made up holiday that really does nothing but support the retailers of America.  Do they have Father’s Day in other countries?  Don’t answer because I don’t really care.  I don’t care about ours so you can surmise that I really don’t care if you have a Father’s Day either.

I tell my family not to buy me anything.  I’ll accept a homemade card and some food but I don’t need anything else.  Make me breakfast; I’m OK with that.  If you insist on getting me something, please us the following as guidelines.

I don’t want the following:

  • Track Suit/Sweat Suit – Do I look like I’m a retiree?
  • Ties – I have plenty.
  • Crappy Art Work – for Pete’s sake you are teenagers and young adults, if your artwork looks like crap now just give up drawing anything.
  • Coffee Mugs with “World’s Greatest Dad” on them.  We already know I’m the best.
  • Dinner Out at a Restaurant – I end up paying so how is this different than any other time we go out for dinner?
  • Book Ends – I saw this on a website as a suggestion.  Really? Bookends?
  • Books about Rich People – Thanks for making me feel like a failure…again.
  • New fad “Diet” books – I know, I know…I’m fat.

Things You Can Get for Me for Father’s Day

  • A handmade card – use multiple colors and write something creative.  Put some thought into it. Bust out those old color crayons and pens and get cracking.  I want some artwork I can sell.
  • A photo of you and your siblings –  Give me the illusion you like each other and get along with each other.
  • Liquor – A nice whisky or scotch…don’t go cheap on your old man.
  • Food items, candy, etc. – I’m a man, so food works.
  • Experiences – let’s do a hike, river rafting trip, burying a dead body, etc. together.  Make a memory with me.
  • Cologne – ask your Mom; don’t pick something for me…ask your Mom.  I don’t want to smell like some cheap boy band member or that I just step out of prison for a weekend visit.

Oh, by the way, Father’s Day is tomorrow.  Don’t worry; you don’t have to do anything.




18 thoughts on “Crap I don’t Want for Father’s Day

    1. You jaded reader…. How I love you so! Don’t get me started on every holiday and gift gifting. Wait, that would be a lot of blog posts and could keep me busy for years! I’m on it!

  1. With you all the way, Kevin! My wife says, “What do you want for Father’s Day?” I say, “You have to play the board games I want to play and watch the movies I want to watch.” Her response? “I’m not watching any war movies or that heavy stuff you like.” SMH while we watch yet another Rom-Com.

  2. Dear KH—You and I are kindred spirits! I love this post and I would vote for you as our next president based upon your obvious gift of common sense and I-don’t-give-a-crap-what-everybody-else-is-mindlessly-doing attitude…keep ’em coming, my friend! It’s still not too late to encourage some free thinking—DWD

    1. I’m thinking of running for senate or house of reps one of these days. Have you seen the retirement and benefits package? It’s awesome! Those politicians know how to take care of themselves. It’s wonderful! I just have to find someone who is close to retiring or is in a scandal. Then tell everyone exactly what they want to hear and “boom!” I’m in! Who cares if I do the job, right? And I can build a wall out of sofa cushions so I know I can do the job!

      1. KH—If your only requirement is looking for cadaverous incumbent or a depraved delegate, then I say the field is wide-open! Your platform could be: All of your wildest dreams will come true! Courtesy of Pedro—hahahaha! DWD

  3. I know you don’t care, but they do have Father’s Day in other countries.

    All I really wanted was new socks. And I finally got them, but only after I got upset about not receiving any.

  4. I totally get the idea of not wanting to sound like you’re out of prison for the weekend. You had just the right touch of snarkiness for this, so I will return.

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