Kevin Hellriegel's Blog of Worthless Advice

The only blog that you really want to read…or ignore.

Category Archives: Hawaii

National Hot Tub Day – March 28 – Worthless Tips to Make It Awesome!

sa-1807454_1920.jpgAh, March 28 is National Hot Tub Day according to some random website I stumbled upon when I was bored one evening (who says this internet isn’t helpful and only spreads “fake news”?).  Throw on your speedo, thong, or your bikini, play some Kenny G, and hit the hot tub because it is National Hot Tub Day!!

On a side tangent, I noticed that romance writers love hot tubs.  They write the hot tubs into their stories all the time.  Yes, I read romance novels.  In between rapid reading of my gun magazines, truck magazines, and muscle car magazines, resides my collection of romance novels.  Since I am a caring and sensitive guy (just ask my imaginary stalker Cyndi), you know that I am a great fan of romance novels.

But let’s get back to the focus of National Hot Tub Day and that is Hot Tubs.  Hot tubs are a wonderful way to soak away your problems and worries.  It’s like a vacation at your own home.  I like to make sure my hot tub is properly maintained.  Lucky for me, I don’t have sensitive skin, just sensitive feelings.  OK, we know I don’t have any feelings but we still want to have some nice hot tub water.martini-1117932_1920.jpg

Lately, we have had some cold and rainy weather.  After all, it is Seattle and we don’t get sunshine until July.  I’ve been feeling cold lately, so I love to enjoy the hot tub when it is chilly out.  My muscles and joint loosen up and I can just sit there and float.  For roughly 15 minutes, I can just relax.  I can pretend I’m at a ski resort or on the beach on the island of Kauai.

Tips for Successful Hot Tub Party Day:

  • What if you don’t have a hot tub? Find a friend or a neighbor that has one.  Then invite yourself over on National Hot Tub Day.  You owe it to them to honor this day!

  • Avoid Alcohol – Wait, what? Yes, we all know I enjoy a nice whiskey but alcohol and hot tubs aren’t a good mix.  Hot Tub water dilutes your cocktail too much.  The warm water in your hot tub can speed up the process of inebriation, and can increase your chances of a hangover

  • Avoid Falling Asleep in the Hot Tub – you should focusing on the soaking and relaxing of the hot water.  Enjoy this moment, save sleeping for your bed.

  • Have Music – What to play?  Some Depeche Mode? Some Kenny G? Some Lady Gaga remix?  The theme from the movie “Jaws”?  It’s up to you, but don’t keep that stereo or iPhone too close to the hot tub.  You don’t want your imaginary friends to knock it in.

  • Have Extra Towels Available – you know some goofball will forget his towel and then wander around your house looking for one.  That’s a good way to ruin your hardwood floors.  Have a stack of old towels ready for him.

  • Clean! – Keep the area around your hot tub clean.  Vacuum up all the lose dirt, dog hair, old fern leaves, and candy wrappers.  You don’t want to drag all that stuff into your hot tub.

  • Take A Shower – Encourage your guest to shower BEFORE they come over to hot tub.  The less body oils, old sweat, stripper dust, and daily dirt you have coming into the hot tub, the better!  It cuts down on chemical use.

  • Check the Chemical Levels – You should be doing daily or weekly check of the chemicals.  Use those water test strips.

Those are my awesome (or rather worthless) hot tub tips for National Hot Tub Day!  I know you won’t bother to play attention to them but at least pretend you read the whole blog post and give it a big “LIKE”.  Can you do that?  Thanks!

 

 

Manhattan – My kryptonite….

glass-1183437

Just to be clear, Manhattan, the cocktail drink is my kryptonite.  Not Manhattan, one of the five boroughs of New York City.  Sure, Manhattan and New York City are fabulous.  However, this post is about the drink.

Let’s be frank…I enjoy whiskey and scotch.  So a Manhattan has whisky in it so of course, you know I’ll enjoy it.

Cocktail drinks bring up certain emotions and memories.  One of my favorite memories of the Manhattan cocktail drink is having one with my cousin Stephen in Manhattan.  Stephen is more of a little brother than a cousin.  So whenever I enjoy a Manhattan drink, I think of him.  Manhattan is my signature cocktail drink with him.  A memory to savor, enjoy, and fall back into the depths of my fond memories of New York City.

The Manhattan cocktail isn’t my downfall, however, it does bring me to a sentimental place.  The place where happiness and good memories intersect into a valt of feelings.

Feelings Meme

Another cocktail drink I enjoy….Vodka Lemonade.  A sip of a nicely blended Vodka Lemonade brings me back  to the numerous summers on the shores of Lake Entiat at Lincoln Rock State Park with my family.  You can also add Maui to the memories of Vodka Lemonade.

Since I lived in and visit Hawaii often, I always like a Mai Tai cocktail.  I don’t like to drink too many sugary drinks, but a Mai Tai does hit the spot.

What drinks instantly bring you back to a fond memory?  Or perhaps a band memory?

And as always: Drink responsibly.

 

 

 

Costco Shopping Cart Rage – Why am I not in Jail?

We all have road rage once in a while. You know what I get? I get shopping cart rage. I feel like the Incredible Hulk. You know what the Hulk does? He smashes things. I just want to take my cart and smash it into the people around me. I am the most frustrated when I’m shopping at Costco. Don’t get me wrong, I love Costco. I just hate the people that shop in Costco.Shopping Cart Neme for Blog Post

Of course, one might argue I have Intermittent Explosive Disorder but I don’t carry out my crazy thoughts. I just imagine doing them.

Let’s go over some Shopping Cart Pushing Etiquette:

  1. While pushing your cart and you want to stop and look at something, get the hell out of the way. Don’t stop in the MAIN aisle. Just pull that cart into one of those side aisles, then walk back and look at the item.
  2. Don’t walk slowly (like you don’t know where you are going) at Costco. You’ve been to this suburban Costco 345 times before (unless you are a tourist in Hawaii) and you know exactly what you want. Go find that big tub of ice cream and that mega pack of filet mignon and get it in your cart. Move quickly; those steaks aren’t going to fry themselves.
  3. Oh, you just saw your friend you haven’t seen in a week? Don’t have a conversation in the middle of the MAIN aisle. Again, use a side aisle. Get your two carts (that are blocking 75% of the main aisle) out of the way. Use some common sense.
  4. Don’t want to take your cart in the big vegetable or dairy cooler? That’s OK…just don’t leave it in the entrance, parked in everyone’s way. Do you think this a good spot to park? Do you see anyone else parking their cart there? No, you don’t. Park it on the side where everyone else parks.
  5. Don’t park your cart sideways…ever. You don’t need to pretend that your cart broke down while making a left turn. You aren’t driving a car. Get the cart out of the way.
  6. Don’t park your cart in the middle of the aisle and leave less than a cart width on either side. I can’t get past you. Oh, but trust me, I’ll try. I’ll get going at a fast clip and sideswipe your cart like a drunk driver on the interstate. Don’t test me.
  7. Finally done shopping? Then head to the cashier. See all the lanes ahead of you? Pick a lane. It doesn’t matter which lane, just pick one. Commit to that lane and stay there. Your cart is full of frozen waffles and buckets of laundry soap… it’s heavy; don’t jump lanes.

I know the people that should be reading these tips aren’t reading them, but do your part and send this blog post to them. Share the information, be part of the solution.

 

Intermittent Explosive Disorder

Windows are for Winners! (and that’s why I’m sitting here by the window!)

Image courtesy of Alaska Airlines (whom should be sponsoring my blog)

Image courtesy of Alaska Airlines (whom should be sponsoring my blog)

On my recent trip to the Big Island, I left a few days before my wife and travelled by myself. Like many others, I love to take vacations and fly in airplanes. I enjoy sitting, looking out the window at the clouds, think about my cat Mr. Whiskers, enjoying the landscape below, with the knowledge that in a few hours, a new adventure awaits for me. When my wife and kids travel with me, I give up the window seat to one of them. I’ll get stuck on the aisle seat or the middle seat (I’m usually stuck in Coach because this blog isn’t a national success as of yet and I can’t afford First Class).

So, the highlight of the flight was when the little kid next to me wanted to look out the window. He asked his mom if she would ask me if I could change seats to the aisle seat.

What? First of all; man up kid, you are five years old…talk to me yourself. Stop being a whiner. Second, I don’t want to sit by the aisle because I know this kid and his mother will have to go to the bathroom 15 times during the flight, Third, the flight attendant will bump my elbow EVERYTIME she goes by with the drink cart, Finally, you know some lady will need to get something out of the overhead bin (right above my head), it will be too heavy, and she’ll drop it on my head (thus awaking me up and annoying me). Just leave me alone.

I turned to the kid, raise my left hand, slowly pulled the shade down, and said to the kid.

“Windows are for winners and you aren’t a winner.”  Then, with a smile on my face, push the “Play” button on the podcast I was listening to (“How to be a Sarcastic Jerk Podcast Episode 167), closed my eyes and started my vacation.

(if you haven’t figure this out by now…this didn’t happen…work of sarcastic fiction…well, the flight and vacation to the Big Island did happen).

Again, why hasn't the Royal Kona Resort asked me to blog for them?

Again, why hasn’t the Royal Kona Resort asked me to blog for them?

The Holidays are here…Are You Ready?

I have to admit, I don’t feel stressed out about the holiday season…yet. We have all the parties scheduled on the family calendar and my wife has figured out the gifts for the kids. I was even proactive and purchased my wife’s Christmas gift for her this past week (a week ahead of schedule). I have pretty much given up on guessing what she wanted about ten years ago. I ask her to create a list for me so I can avoid feeling like an idiot on Christmas morning. Honey, you don’t like the gun rack I got for you? Camo ain’t your favorite color for a nightgown?

Some wives would say “You should know me by now and know exactly what I want”. Really? Isn’t that a recipe for disaster? Would you trust your husband?  This is the same guy who burns water and can’t cook a hot dog correctly.  I know who I am: I’m a moron when it comes to gifts and presents. My wife is way too smart to leave her present up to chance. She knows I am clueless when it comes to gifts. Sure, you can buy your wife a new car, a diamond necklace, or maybe even plan a trip to Kauai and you would be safe. But can a husband really think what his wife wants? No, he can’t. Those gifts are fool proof. Who wouldn’t want those things?

Yes, I’m safe and sane when it comes to the gift department. Why try to disappoint my wife? She doesn’t deserve to be disappointed (seriously, being married to me is already a disappointment). Let her enjoy Christmas morning with a gift she really wants. The wish list makes life so much easier and safer. Of course, I must admit those fuzzy Hello Kitty bathroom slippers would look pretty good on her feet….

Enjoy your day!

Kevin Hellriegel

Merry Christmas!

Welcome to The Fat Ass Dad’s Weight Loss Challenge….

Welcome to The Fat Ass Dad’s Weight Loss Challenge

Yes, I’ve decided to drop some weight before our family’s trip to Maui in February 2015. Now, I know you are like Cyndi (My Imaginary Stalker) and think I look awesome all the time. It’s true; I do look fantastic. Sure, I’m now a bit older and I have a few extra pounds around my gut (SNL Middle Age Man Skit “You’re staring at my gut, aren’t you? I’m working on it”). However, let’s be realistic; we all need to get into better shape. I know everyone admires my huge arms, my broad shoulders, my beautiful smile, my charming wit, and my slick bald head. Yet, my big fat belly doesn’t do the rest of me justice. It needs to go.

Last Christmas, my friend and I noticed we both had risen to new heights on the bathroom scale. I think after the holidays I tipped in at 240 lbs. I skipped the Five Stages of Grief and did a little something about it. I dropped my weight down to 225. However, last summer (July 2013), I was 213 lbs. Currently, I’m coming in at 226 lbs. My goal is 200-205 lbs. by the time I walk on that plane for Maui in February.  I want to wear that neon green speedo on the beaches of Maui and embarrass my kids.  Did I just make you puke it your mouth a bit with that visual?  Good….

I’m putting it out there. I now have published my goal weight on my blog for Cyndi and my three other followers to read about. Don’t worry; my wife doesn’t read my blog so she doesn’t even care if I publish it. She would probably like it that I now have Cyndi and three followers holding me accountable. Heaven help me.

So where does the Fat Ass Dad’s Weight Loss Challenge come in? Over the past nine months (and years), a few of my friends have all talked about losing weight, eating better, drinking less. I decided it is time for the rubber to meet the road. I went ahead and challenged (invited) them to stop talking and do something about it.

The Rules:

There are no rules and we don’t talk about….just kidding, you have to have a Fight Club reference, right?

We have a $40 buy in so basically I’ll be winning $160 in February. They have no self-control. It will be easy money. (This is called trash talking and it is what men do to each other to encourage them). I also plan to sabotage their efforts with pizzas and beer.

I’ll give them false hope by saying things like:

“One more beer won’t hurt.”

“A bucket of hot wings isn’t that bad.”

“Man, you are looking trim. You got this contest in the bag…here, have another piece of cheesecake.”

The Weigh In (Start Weight) is an honor one. We have told each other our starting weight and our goal weight. I set the official end date of February 16, 2015. As you know, my start weight is 226 with a goal of at least 205 but I’d like 200. I have to crush it and take it all.

I’ll maybe give you a progress report once in a while. I don’t want to tip my hand to the other losers involved.

 

Your comments, exercise tips, healthy snack tips, are welcome. You can also post your weight loss stories if you like. And if you have any extremely bad weight gaining recipes, send them over too. I’ll change the title and send it to the rest of the Fat Ass Dads and tell them it is a low fat recipe.

Dad Decides To Cancel All Future Vacations Due to Lack of Interest By Children

Wait…what just happened?

In a swift and bold mood, Jack Fernwood announced to his family this morning that all future vacations will be cancelled.  Citing his children’s lack of interest in doing anything other than playing on their smartphones, iPads, iPods, computers, and watching TV, Jack made the announcement over breakfast while drinking a non-fat mocha while on vacation in Hawaii.

As Jack drank his fancy coffee drink and made this shocking announcement, no one in his family bothered to comment because they were all too busy playing on their various electronic devices.  When he made the announcement for the fifth time, his 14 year old daughter Sarah was quick to post on her Facebook a scalding post about how unfair her father was.  She followed this post with a self portrait of herself with the sand beaches of Hawaii behind her.

Jack’s 12 year old son Brad was quoted as saying “Whatever” and continued to play his computer game.

Cindy, Jack’s wife (age undisclosed) gave her husband the “I’m going to kill you” look while she texted messages back and forth with her best friend Jackie.

Jack did say that he was tired of spending thousands of dollars on family vacations while everyone was just going to sit around and play on their “stupid phones”.  He cited their recent whale watching trip where his children were texting their friends back home and totally missed the family of humpback whales that went under their boat.

Jack’s friends back home, upon hearing the news, were not surprised.

His friend Raymond offer this insight into his friend Jack’s reasoning.

“Jack can fly off the handle once in while but we’ll come back to his senses.  I mean, really, do you think he has the guts to follow through with this?  His wife Cindy is going to kill him if he tried to implement this policy.  I’m sure we can attribute this outburst to Jack being overtired and grasping at the idea of his family actually enjoying a vacation together.  We all know in this wired world that he is a dinosaur when it comes to old family vacation ideas.”

Jack’s wife Cindy, shrugged her shoulders when asked to comment about this new “No Vacation Policy”.

Sources close to Cindy did give us a little insight into her thinking by mentioning the terms “over my dead body” and “he’ll rethink this little misstep if he knows what is good for him”.

Hawaii Life TV Show: Honolulu

A few of you might remember that my parents still live on Kauai and I went to high school on Kauai.  I like Kauai and am enjoying the TV show “Hawaii Life”.  The show is most likely produced by the real estate company “Hawaii Life” because they make Hawaii look awesome.  On the flip side, “Dog the Bounty Hunter” shows the meth heads, wife beaters, and bond jumping thugs of Honolulu in such a positive light.

The most recent episode of “Hawaii Life” was about a couple that lived on Oahu looking for a condo in downtown Honolulu.  The couple was recently married and living with her parents but looking to move out.  Ideally, they wanted to live in downtown Honolulu since it was close to his job.

I have a few friends that live on the island of Oahu so this particular episode was interesting to me.  As a father, I would prefer to live in a house with my family rather than a condo with no yard.  As a married couple (with no kids), I could go with a condo living and a nice view to enjoy.  No lawn to mow?  No bushes to trim?  No leaves to rake?  Where do I sign up?

As long as I have access to some good grocery stores and can go for a walk, I’m happy.  Throw in some good golf courses, some sandy beaches, and a library, I’m good to go.

When you live in Western Washington, you see about 220 days of cloudy gray skies a year.  On the eastern side of the great state of Washington, that ratio of cloudy weather to sunny days flip flops to 200+ days of sun.  Sure, winters are colder with actually freezing temperatures and the chance of snow and ice, but there is sun and blue skies.

Am I complaining about wet Seattle again?  Yes, I am.  I live here and I can complain…it’s a great combination.

Back to the show “Hawaii Life”….the couple picked a nice condo, the real estate agent made a good commission, and everyone is happy.  Except me, sitting here in wet Seattle, with the temperatures in the 40’s and raining.  Life is perfect and you should move here to Seattle.  We could hang out and be friends in person (versus you reading my blog and wishing you could talk with me in person).

The parents must have been really delighted to finally get their daughter and their son-in-law out of their house.  I’m sure they wanted to take care of their daughter and husband forever….

Hawaii Life TV Show

Yesterday, I managed to watch another episode of the TV show “Hawaii Life”.  This one involved a former pro surfer who was moving back to Oahu (Hawaii).  Oahu is called the “Gathering Place” island and roughly 85% of the state’s population lives on Oahu.  That is about 850,000 people.  As you can figure out, the State of Hawaii has about 1 million people.  This doesn’t include the tourist population that is coming and going throughout the year.

Now, you might now that my parents still live on the island of Kauai (know as the Garden Isle) and that I lived there for a while in my youth.  I attended Kapa’a High School on Kauai.

When you tell people you went to school in Hawaii, everyone thinks it must have been totally awesome.  Warm weather, the beach, the kick back lifestyle.

As a teenager, it wasn’t as fun as you can imagine.  I’m a haole boy (a Caucasian) so I got picked on.  Part of the problem I was a big kid, not fat mind you, just physically big.  I swam, mountain biked, and lifted weights (me Incredible Hulk, me strong…not really).  I was a pretty good target for local boys that didn’t like haoles.

Not all of my experience on Kauai was bad.  I did have some great friends and did a lot of fun activities.  I was just careful on where I went and who I was hanging out with.  If I had my big Hawaiian friends, I was able to go to some rougher areas.  If I was with my haole friends, we went to the more public beaches.

When I watch the “Hawaii Life” show, I enjoy it.  The show “Hawaii Life” is well done.  It is fun to see sunshine, surf, and the beaches here in the comfort of my Seattle home.  Hawaii is a wonderful place and after watching this type of show I get a bit homesick.  The weather looks wonderful, the beaches look inviting, and the family (buying the house) appears to be very happy.

SAM_1334kevin

To combat my feelings of moving back, I quickly watch a few episodes of “Dog the Bounty Hunter”.  Nothing like Dog chasing down some meth head or bail jumper to snap me back into reality and wake me up!  The reality being that Hawaii is like everywhere else.  Sure, you have great weather but you also have drugs and crime, good times and bad times.  Life is what you make of it.

In the meantime, I plan to whine about not living in Hawaii and not buying a house like the folks on “Hawaii Life”.  Boo hoo.  Poor me!  What am I going to do.  Perhaps I should start a donation site in which people (like yourself) could contribute to my family’s move back to Kauai.  What do you think about that?

Gravatar Portraits: How Sexy is too Sexy?

I think I need a sexier Gravatar portrait on my blog.  The one I have is way too boring for all the witty comments I make.

Now, for those of you who aren’t familiar with your Gravatar photo, it is usually the photo that appears when you make a comment on a blog.  It’s not like I’m a blogger expert, so this advice might fall into the “I’m right 97.9% of the time” category.

Visualize this: Me in a minivan with my bald head shining brightly, wearing some really cool looking shades, and the summertime Aloha Shirt.

Sounds pretty awesome, huh?

That would be the typical middle aged father you never wanted to become but because time marches on, you have become.  Unless you are a woman.  Then that picture became a whole lot stranger.

A couple of problems I have with my upcoming portrait that need to be addressed.

Minivan:

We don’t have a minivan. Sure, I could borrow one.  I’m hoping someone I know has a real weird color.  Maybe a pink or bright red one…with a racing stripe on it.  Now, that would be cool.  And flames on the side with custom rims and low profile tires.

Bald Head:

This I don’t have a problem.  I really haven’t had hair on the top of my head since 1996.  However the shiny part will be hard.  I live in Seattle and we don’t get the sun shining out much expect for ten days in August.

Cool Looking Shades:

Again, in Seattle we don’t have a lot of sun so finding sunglasses might be hard.  However, I do have some really neat looking safety glasses that might work.  Of course, I don’t want to look like MMA fighter either.

Aloha Shirt:

I’m from Hawaii so this isn’t a problem.  My real problem is which one to wear; that will be the hard part to decide upon.  Do I go with the casual business style Aloha shirt or the obnoxious tourist style shirt from Hilo Hatties?  The casual business style is more professional and won’t make me look like a dork on vacation.  But clearly the obnoxious Aloha shirt will scream out to others that I am a fun loving blogger.  Yet will the obnoxious Aloha shirt makes my witty comments less effective because I look like a clown?  Then there is the whole issue of how many buttons do you undo on the shirt.  Do you go with all but the top button buttoned up?  Do you go with a few buttons unbutton?  Or do you really “man it up” and leave all the buttons undone, letting your massive muscular chiseled chest with rock hard abs glisten in the sun?  This Aloha shirt issue is pretty complicated.

So you see my new Gravatar photo is something I really need to think about.  The planning process itself might take weeks, perhaps even months.  In the meantime, I’ll leave you will this new Photoshopped photo of me.

7453 Kevin Yellow

As always, your witty and sarcastic comments are welcome.  I still am waiting to hear from you.

Really, you have time to leave a comment….just go to the bottom of this post and add something…make me feel like I have a reader besides my Mom and my imaginary stalker Cyndi!

making peace with the wrong side of 40

My midlife crisis made me want to live simply. Unfortunately, there isn't much simple about it most days.

New England Nomad

All Things New England

Evil Squirrel's Nest

Where all the cool squirrels hang out!

Abbey Co.

Seattle mom Turned Lifestyle Blogger - Lover of Food, Wine, Fresh Air and Family Time

The Tawdry Tales of Tess

Memoirs, Musings and Advice from a Very Naughty Girl

The Phil Factor

Where Sarcasm Gets Drunk and Let's Its Hair Down

The Brasharian

style and culture blog

Appetite for Sexual Destruction

Welcome to the Jungle that is online dating in your 30s...

Everything Southern

lifestyle blog

joeyackles2

Hopeless & Waiting

kristina gallo - Broken rules

psychology, society, relations, business

UpChucking Words

Puking up Poetry, One Verse at a Time

Rebel Housewife

Wife. Mother. Employee. Blessed, stressed, living the real {good} life.

minmylife

Minimizing in your life to achieve your dreams!

Letters From The Sky

a personal journal

Alex Lehman

Her work. Her thoughts. Her life

%d bloggers like this: