Kevin Hellriegel's Blog of Worthless Advice

The only blog that you really want to read…or ignore.

Worthless Travel Tips – Best Worthless Advice Tips for Your Next Airline Flight!

plane-50893_1920Let’s face it, you hate people, I hate people, and we really hate sitting next to them in the airplane.  Sure, we all wish we could afford First Class but we can’t.  However, we can use certain techniques to maximize your seat space on the airplane.

  1. Bring Your Own Smelly Food – Since the airlines want to make a profit, one of the first things to go was the food service.  But this is an awesome time to bring your own food along!  And it had better be extremely good and stinky.  We all know that the stinky food is the best food!  Pickled eggs, sauerkraut, sardines, garlic bread, cat food, and maybe some strange food that would make a billy goat puke is just what you need on your next flight.
  2. Stake out the Armrest – the seats and the armrest aren’t getting any bigger on airplanes these days and you need to stake your claim to them.  As soon as you sit down, stretch out and take as much space as you can.  When your neighbors arrive, just cough a lot, and wipe your hands all over the armrest.  Ha, these armrest belong to me now.
  3. Take Those Shoes Off and Let Those Stinky Feet Breath – why should your feet be trapped in your shoes?  These flight is the beginning of your vacation.  Take those shoes off and relax.dirtyfeet
  4. Don’t Brush Your Teeth – nothing says “I don’t care about life, you, or your comfort” than skipping the brushing those pearly white teeth.  Your mouth should smell and taste like the inside of a elementary school dumpster on a hot spring afternoon.
  5. Don’t Shower – Again, you want to push people away.  With your awful breath, you can add to the sensual pleasure by not taking a shower for a few days before your flight.
  6. Dress Poorly – dress like a slob AND make sure you wear the wrong travel clothes.  Pants that are too tight – check!  Coats with not enough pockets – check! A big hat that gets in the way – check!bum
  7. Have a HUGE Carry On Bag – The heavier, the better.  Just like all the unsolved resentment you carry around in your soul, your carry on bag should be just as heavy.  Make sure that you can’t lift it over your head.  Ideally, your bag should make a professional weightlifter pop a blood vessel as he lifts it.
  8. Talk to EVERYONE…be loud and proud!  Everyone wants to hear about how you had an awful time on the taxi ride to the airport, or how Aunt Megan thinks you drink too much.  Make new friends by asking questions that are way too personal.  Remember, make them feel uncomfortable and they will scoot away from you as far as their little seatbelt will allow.

As always, I know these eight awesome travel tips will really bring you to the top of your worthless life.  What better way to make it to the lower bottom of life?

Oops..It’s Valentine’s Day – What is your best memory?

 

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Images courtesy of pixabay.com

Well, I totally forgot to wish my imaginary stalker Cyndi a “Happy Valentine’s Day” to her and I’m sure I’ll be paying the price.  At least Mr. Whiskers and my wife will be happy that I remembered them this year.  But poor imaginary stalker Cyndi was left out.

As a kid, I hated Valentine’s Day at school.  We were forced to buy corny Valentines and pass them out to the kids in our class.  You wasted half a day (of valuable education time, might I mention), coloring your valentine’s box (mailbox for your valentines) so other students could toss them in with the same care as you reserve for throwing out an used napkin.

 

I was a shy kid and I’m sure other students thought I was the strange kid in the class.  Perhaps I wasn’t as strange as the “Horse Girl” (she thought she was a horse and would neigh and gallop around the playground, but on the plus side, she kept the lawn trimed nicely).  And I didn’t smell like that one kid with the messy desk in the back row.  But nevertheless, I’m sure other kids made fun of me because, heck, I’m a shy dork.

Happy Valentine’s Day to all the other, poor schmuck kids that get stuck in this holiday torture.  So small children, I wish you the best during this day of candy and fake love, may you grow up unscarred by the education system of today.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Warning: Terrible Valentine’s Day Ideas for that Special Women in your Life

Since you are reading this blog post, I’m assuming you have that special woman in your life.  It might be a girlfriend or a wife (hopefully, not your mother…ew) and you are desperate for a great Valentine’s Day gift, so you decided to visit my blog.  How easily you have been fooled into thinking that was a good idea.  You poor misguided soul….valentines-day-1182250_1920

If you really want to find a great gift, I’d suggest reading another blog that might actually be helpful.  Perhaps one without the title of “worthless advice” in it?  However, if you must continue to read, we should dive into a few things that will help you find a decent enough Valentine’s Day gift.  I’m not promising that this is the prefect gift; I’m merely saying that these gifts might save you from a night sleeping on the couch on Valentine’s Day.

First, I’d suggest aiming for a gift that aligns with your significant other’s lifestyle.  If she likes to run, give her some new running shorts.  She likes to cook, perhaps a nice crock pot would be a helpful addition to her kitchen.  On the flip side, if she hates cats, don’t buy her a kitten.  (I’m honestly hoping you aren’t that much of a moron to buy her a cat….)

You’ll actually have to brainstorm and come up with some ideas of what she likes to do.  I can’t possibly save your sorry ass all the time.  Come on, man…think about her hobbies?  She doesn’t have any?  Nothing at all?  Then you are doomed.

But wait, we can salvage this holiday (created by the evil greeting card companies, candy companies, and of course, the florist industry) for you to look like you know her.

  1.  Does she like to travel?  Buy her a new set of luggage…then take her on a trip to see your overbearing mother.  Did you remember to call your mom?  You didn’t, did you?
  2. She eats, right?  Then buy her a gift certificate to her favorite restaurant.  Just make sure it is some place you’ll enjoy as well.  You have to eat too, am I right?
  3. Alcohol – it’s easy and you know she likes to drink.  Skip your cheap beer and get her something she likes.  Spruge on that good bottle of Washington state wine.
  4. A Mason Jar of Flavors – grab that old Mason jar out of the recycling bin, write down some “favors/chore coupons”, and you are in business.  You can put down a coupon for a bad back rub, a free car wash, a night of bowling, you’ll empty the dishwasher, etc.  Just stack the coupons to make sure it is stuff you can handle.  Skip the “I’ll wax your moustache” coupon.  It won’t end well.
  5. Does she read? Easy gift time…Kindle.  Or even a nice, old fashion book with pages that turn.
  6. Candles – this is an easy way to burn your home down.  May I suggest you Go with those fake, battery operated candles?  Save yourself the visit from the local, good looking firefighters.  You don’t need that competition.
  7. Perfume – go and order some of her favorite perfume right now.  None of that cheap stuff.  Get the stuff you both like.
  8. Skin Care – You can’t go wrong with that anti-aging wrinkle cream.  Nothing like tellling your signficant other “Hey, you are getting old, here’s some greasy cream that hopefully helps reverse the ravishes of time.”  Oh, sure that seems like a wonderful idea.

I wish you the best of luck this Valentine’s Day.  You’ll certainly need it after reading this blog.  But it’s not too late…you still have time to find a good blog that will help you.  Quickly, exit out of this worthless advice blog.  Find somewhere that will help you find the 7 Best Valentine’s Day Gift Ideas.

You know what would make my Valentine’s Day?  You “liking” my post below.  That’ right, push the “Like” button.

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Images from www.pixabay.com

 

 

Learn How to Make One Cocktail Drink – Your Signature Drink…

cocktail-518712_1920Everyone once and a while, I get out of my cave and have a nice evening out.  This to could be to a friend’s house for dinner, maybe a show, or even a fantastic dinner with my wife.  Depending on the season, I will try a new cocktail drink to broaden my otherwise quite dull drinking range.

And when I do that, I might come across a new “signature drink” I’ll try for the season.  A couple of winters ago, it was the Candy Cane Martini.  During an early summer fundraising party, my friend Mark made amazing Lemon Drops for the attendees and that became a summer favorite.  Vodka Lemonades remind me of camping on the Columbia River at Lincoln Rock State Park with friends and family, so those were popular one summer.

However, my “go to” drink is the Manhattan.  Easy to make and not too difficult to master.  And one of my favorites because it reminds me of my cousin Stephen and New York City.  (Here’s the point when you should be hearing some sappy music and a tear should come to your eye as I take you down my memory lane….)alcohol-MANHATTAN.jpg

What is your “Signature Cocktail Drink”?  What one drink can you make and be know for?  Does it bring you back to a certain time or memory?

 

2010 Airstream Bambi 19 – Flying Cloud For Sale

Since my father passed way, my mom has decided to sell their Airstream travel trailer. As you can see from the photos, it is in awesome shape. 19 feet long and a single axle.  Enjoy the photos!

Only $35,000!


I must admit, it is a cute little trailer and easy to tow with the sway bars my dad had installed.


If you know anyone interested, just send them my blog post! Or they can email me at khellriegel @ g m a i l dot com

How To Manipulate Your Spouse into Loving You Again! 8 Awesome Tips!

You’ll be pleased to know that this blog post is approved by both my wife and Mr. Whiskers.   Yet, I haven’t had a chance to ask Cyndi, my imaginary stalker, if she likes it or not.

A few of my friends will ask “Hey, how come you love your wife so much?”  Well, clearly it is because she manipulates me.   She knows what motivates me into being a better person. We all know my wife is the better half of this marriage.  No one asks me “How are you doing?”  But they always ask about her and how she is doing. (Maybe they know she is going nuts because she is married to me?).

One could argue that manipulating  your spouse is wrong, however in reality, we all do it. My wife knows exactly how to steer me in the “right” direction. Usually, her direction is the right direction (unless it interferes with Mr. Whisker’s nap time).  Is it wrong to give your spouse limited choices, that result in the correct choice?  The choice that, in the end, is the right choice?

Now the manipulation only works if that person believes in  you…or wants to believe in you.  We all want our significant other to motivate us, push us, encourage us to succeed.  We all enjoy that manipulation because it appeals to our own desire to be a winner.  You could say that our spouses motivate us, in which they do, but they manipulate us as well.

But what if our spouses had given up on us? Should we change the tables and perhaps push them back into a position we want them to be? Shouldn’t we rise up and encourage them to fall back in love with the loveable loser (that’s you dear reader) again?  Let’s look at some completely worthless advice tips that probably won’t help you with your relationship but are nevertheless the point of this blog.

Worthless Advice Tips to Manipulate Your Spouse into Loving You Again:

  1. Learn to Cook – take a good cooking class and learn how to boil water and make one amazing dish.  Or just pop something in the microwave…same thing, right?food-712665_1920
  2. Do a load of Laundry – Sure, we know you haven’t done a load of laundry since college, but this is the time to do it again.  My recommendation: use the local laundromat that offers A Full Service Drop Off Service.  I’m pretty sure you can Google that crap somewhere.laundry-saloon-567951_1920
  3. Ditch the Kids – You know your spouse is tired of watching the kids, so make the effort to pawn them off to relatives or friends for one blessed night.  One night of no whining….(well, except for your dog’s whining.)grandstand-330930_1920
  4. Spa Night – Offer your spouse a massage.  Paint their nails like a three year old at preschool.  Then promptly fall asleep…treatment-1327811_1920
  5. Vacuum – Instead of reminding your spouse the carpet looks like a herd of elk walked over it, plug in the vacuum and turn it on for them to do.  Remember to lift your feet as your spouse vacuums near you.  It’s the least you can do as you update your Facebook status about your “tough day at work”.vacuum-cleaner-657719_1920
  6. Speak Kindly – Don’t be the sassy smartass for one night…(unless you write a worthless advice blog. Then you should kind all the time because you know your worthless advice isn’t worth anything.)conversation-799448_1920.png
  7. Take Care of Your Appearance – Heck, your spouse goes out of their way to look good for you.  Return the favor by getting out of your sweatpants at least once a week, taking a shower, shaving your beard.  I know those sweatpants are comfortable…I wear mine too much.  But they do signal to the world “Hey, I’ve given up” and that’s not you, right?barber-1979440_1280
  8. Let your Spouse pick the Movie….for once…  Give in and watch the new action movie or sappy (totally unrealistic) romantic comedy… just once.  Do it for your spouse and your cat.popcorn-1085072_1920

Again thanks for stopping by and reading my “Worthless Advice Tips to Manipulate Your Spouse into Loving You Again”.  Feel free to forward this on to your friends and spouse.  Leave a few comments below…

Snow and Snowshoeing in Chelan: Echo Ridge 


This past weekend, we headed over to the Lake Chelan area and did a short snowshoe outing.  The temperature was in the mid 20s to high 20s.  Elevation is around 3400′ to 3500′ during this hike.


The road is plowed by the US Forest Service. There are a few snowshoe hikes, plus groomed trails for crosscountry skiing.  There are additional trails for snowmobiles but we didn’t see or hear any of them during our 3 mile hike.  I’m pretty sure by the end of this blog post, it will 30 miles with a 3000 foot elvation gain, both ways, in white out conditions….

You can pay at the trailhead, $10 per person.  When we started, we were the only vehicle in the parking lot at Snowshoe Trailhead (pretty clever name, huh?).  When we returned, there was a whopping 4 other vehicles.  Even on a nice snowy Saturday, the Lake Chelan area isn’t too busy.  We didn’t see but two other people out on the trails.

Thanks for reading!! Enjoy the snow photos and comment below.

Bring Back American Manufacturing Jobs? Stop Robots and Artificial Intelligence!

Those darn robots have made America the disaster it is today! We need to ban robots and Artifical Intelligence (AI)! To bring back the hundreds of thousands of manufacturing jobs they have taken from hard working Americans, we need to ban all new robots!

I know our robot overlords are not going to like this post.  In fact, in the Robot Patriot Treason Trials of the 2030’s (yes, the future) I know this blog post (and many I’ll write about this subject) will be used against me to show how I was a bigot towards AI and Robots.  My act of defiance here will no doubt land me in the slave coal mines of Virginia (or the Moon).

However, we must look to the past to bring back those jobs.  Get rid of those evil robots that automated people out of work!  Recycle them into steel and use that steel to build cars made by all human hands.  Rise up dear readers, and say “no more robots!” 

But if you are a robot and have already taken over the world, I’m sorry about this post, it was a joke, and please don’t ship me off to the moon for a space mining camp.


This photo is from dreamstime.com (copyright free images).

Everyone needs a Hobby

This evening I’m watching the Thomas Crown Affair starting Pierce Bronson and Rene Russo.  It’s the new one…made in 1999.  One of the main character states “Everyone needs a hobby.”

James Bond had a hobby!  https://youtu.be/yw3X-lzwmOM

And yes, even I have a hobby: a worthless advice blog.

Sure, sometimes I forget about my hobby and my worthless advice blog gets neglected.  I don’t write and that is just plain silly of me because in the end, who suffers the most?  You do.  You do, my poor readers. I neglect you and that’s a terrible mistake.  Why should I deprive you of my advice?  Do my stories not enlighten you? Do they not impart you with my vast knowledge and wise experiences?

Every once in a while, Cyndi (my imaginary stalker) has to remind me that life isn’t all about rainbow and unicorns. Sometimes it is about doing something more important, sometimes it involves putting down Mr. Whiskers and writing for the readers of my blog.  For you my dear readers, I’ll put down Mr. Whiskers this evening and write a blog entry.  Because, hey, you deserve it.

What is your hobby?  A hobby should be something that engages your mind, it helps your soul, and it will lead to positive health benefits.  (Of course if making meth in your garage is your hobby, it probably won’t lead to positive health benefits but it will engage your mind….chemistry is hard stuff).

Hobbies are an escape from your everyday that allows you to decompress.  You are able to relax and think something other than the burdens of being an adult.

Hobbies are also something you don’t mind wasting time on. You can spend hours doing your hobby and it won’t matter because you enjoy it.  It brings you joy.

However, a hobby should be positive for you and for those around you. Smoking cigerettes around a daycare center isn’t a good hobby.  Watching an excessive amount of TV is a bad hobby also.  Instead you should be reading my blog.  Clearly, my blog is an excellent hobbit.

What is your favorite hobby (besides reading my blog)?

Back on Anderson Island

This week on Anderson Island, the lake isn’t frozen over. Our cold spell is over and we are back into the low 40’s.  My brother and I are here only for a little while to clean up the lake house. We are going to return to the mainland with my parents’ Airstream Bambi 19 Flying Cloud model trailer to post up for sale.

We just have to figure out how to hook it up to my Dad’s truck. I’ve towed a trailer before and my brother is a truck driver, so between the two of us, we should be able to do it.

If you or someone you know is looking for a beautiful trailer, send me an email!  I’ll be posting more photos later.

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