Kevin Hellriegel's Blog of Worthless Advice

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Category Archives: wife

Tired of having a home? The Guide to living the Homeless Lifestyle (the Correct Way)!

I sometimes worry myself about how I can even figure this stuff out…..

Ok, maybe you just can’t handle the whole “owing a house or renting an apartment” thing.  Maybe you are more suited to living in your car or in a shipping crate by the railroad tracks.  Perhaps that is more of your housing style, however, what will you do about showers, laundry, and sleeping arrangements?

Not to worry dear readers, my worthless advice about “How to Be Homeless” will give you all the awesome advice (or perhaps worthless advice) you need to be successful as a homeless person.

In addition, my tips will allow you to save money and become a success in your personal and professional life.  Remember, homeless doesn’t mean you are jobless!  And homeless doesn’t mean not having a vehicle either!  It only means you don’t have a home!

Shall we begin?

  1. Be Clean: Join a 24/7 Fitness Gym with shower facilities that has many locations.  A hot shower, free soap and shampoo, free towels, and a shave?  And you exercise too?  Sign me up!
  2. Dump Your Garbage.  Learn where all the public parks are located at.  Free garbage service and access to some interesting bathroom options.
  3. Learn where all the Starbucks ae located (Just kidding…there is one on every corner).
  4. Hide right under their Noses: Find Fire Stations or Police Stations to park at.  You can certain park your car in the visitor parking lot for a few hours or overnight.  Who is going to check?
  5. Hang out in Plain Sight.  Park your Honda right at the Honda dealership or  Honda Mechanic’s Garage parking lot.  One more care isn’t going to be noticed.  Or if you have a white van, put a made up delivery company logo on your van…your van is now a delivery van.  Park it in the back of a UPS store.  You now look like you below there.
  6. Enjoy Food: Not having a home means your food budget is now huge!  You can eat out all the time or you can eat healthy salads you make in the backseat.  Yum!
  7. Visit relatives/friends during the holidays.  Bless them with your presence for two or three nights.
  8. Find locations off the beaten path that offer free power. Invest in a long extension cord from that rest stop bathroom to your car.
  9. Find 24 hour Laundromats.  Do laundry, drink beer, and watch TV.  Everyone wins here!
  10. Find 24 hour Businesses.  You can park in their parking lot and they will never know.  People are always coming and going and your car will look like an employee’s car.
  11. Get a Post Office Box for your mail.  But ideally, pay everything online.  Have auto deposit and auto pay systems set up.

Enjoy these eleven awesome “How to be Homeless Tips!”  Remember, you don’t have to let society dictate to you on how to live your life!  You can still have a nice car or van, be a clean person, have a good job, and be a productive member of society by using my proven system!

Happy Homelessness!

Do you have some awesome advice?  Well, keep it to yourself.  We want only worthless and sarcastic comments below.  Hmm, maybe you can add a few tips…go ahead…comment below and hit the “Like” button too.

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Let’s Kill the Leprechaun – Tips for a Successful St. Patrick’s Day!

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Yippee!  It is St. Patrick’s Day, the day second only to Halloween for a day where you can get drunk, dress in a bad costume, and act like a fool!  Well, to be clear….I usually make a fool out of myself on Valentine’s Day and National Hot Tub Day (why isn’t National Hot Tub Day a Federal Holiday yet?).  However, back to the point of this worthless advice blog…St. Patrick’s Day.  In the good old United States of America, we all become Irish on St. Patrick’s Day (March 17).

Lucky for you, I’m part Irish so I can offer my three blog readers and my imaginary stalker Cyndi (who wears sunglasses on the darkest, winter, overcast days) great advice on St. Patrick’s Day.

Tips to be the Best Fake Irish Person You Can Be:

  • Randomly yell “Kill the Leprechaun” when you are out at the bar, drinking with your non-Irish friends.  Wear a green wig…everyone likes people that wear wigs.
  • You can also yell “Kill the Leprechaun” at your child’s school.  Make sure you have singled out that redhead music teacher (no one likes her anyway).
  • Get a Redhead Spouse….just make sure she isn’t the music teacher you just made fun of.
  • Make EVERYTHING green…green…green!…make green pancakes…….make green beer…make green cats….

food-PANCAKESgreengreen-beer-2103313cat-GREEN

  • On St. Patrick’s Day, You should always talk in a stupid “Irish” accent….or a “Scottish” one or an “English” one….no one in America can really can tell the difference anyway.  Just say “Top of the Morning!” to everyone.
  • Wear cheap plastic shamrock necklaces.  Everyone likes it when the “Made In China” necklace breaks, and those stupid beads and shamrocks are all over the floor, making you slip and fall.
  • Wear your green throng underwear (I’m talking to you gentleman readers.  Ladies, you can wear whatever you like).  Heck, ladies you can even enter a St. Patrick’s Day bikini contest!  Nothing puts the “Saint” back into St. Patrick’s Day like a visit to a bar in a bikini!  Click on this link for a Bikini bar video!
  • Drink Irish whiskey…or wine…green beer…or whatever…it doesn’t matter…just be that annoying douche bag who drinks too much.  Kind of like how you are every other day of the year, annoying…and drunk…but really just annoying.
  • Oh, don’t forget to wear something green….like the lettuce you have stuck in your teeth.  Nothing like getting your vegetables and sadness all in one day.

But you know something that rocks on St. Patrick’s Day?  This Lego video!

And if you just need to mellow out…enjoy this video!

You wasted your St. Patrick’s Day reading this blog, but at least you helped me get my readership numbers up.  And be happy that I didn’t make this post into a history lesson.  Leave me a comment or a link to a funny cat video.  Please, and write in an Irish accent…

One more video…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Manhattan – My kryptonite….

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Just to be clear, Manhattan, the cocktail drink is my kryptonite.  Not Manhattan, one of the five boroughs of New York City.  Sure, Manhattan and New York City are fabulous.  However, this post is about the drink.

Let’s be frank…I enjoy whiskey and scotch.  So a Manhattan has whisky in it so of course, you know I’ll enjoy it.

Cocktail drinks bring up certain emotions and memories.  One of my favorite memories of the Manhattan cocktail drink is having one with my cousin Stephen in Manhattan.  Stephen is more of a little brother than a cousin.  So whenever I enjoy a Manhattan drink, I think of him.  Manhattan is my signature cocktail drink with him.  A memory to savor, enjoy, and fall back into the depths of my fond memories of New York City.

The Manhattan cocktail isn’t my downfall, however, it does bring me to a sentimental place.  The place where happiness and good memories intersect into a valt of feelings.

Feelings Meme

Another cocktail drink I enjoy….Vodka Lemonade.  A sip of a nicely blended Vodka Lemonade brings me back  to the numerous summers on the shores of Lake Entiat at Lincoln Rock State Park with my family.  You can also add Maui to the memories of Vodka Lemonade.

Since I lived in and visit Hawaii often, I always like a Mai Tai cocktail.  I don’t like to drink too many sugary drinks, but a Mai Tai does hit the spot.

What drinks instantly bring you back to a fond memory?  Or perhaps a band memory?

And as always: Drink responsibly.

 

 

 

Ready for some Spring Cleaning? Degrease your Kitchen Cabinets with Kitty Cats!

Sorry that this is a worthless advice tip…..and it doesn’t feature any kitty cats.  Well, just a picture of a cat; that’s it.

For the past few months, we have decided to clean up and get rid of a lot of stuff that has accumulated over the past 13 years here in our mansion.  Part of this cleaning focus stems from my Father passing away and my Mom needing help to get rid of stuff.  In December, my son and I flew to Kauai to help my mom tackle the office and help close down the photography business.

When I came home, my son and I were in agreement that we needed to clear out the clutter. His words were something to the tune of “Please don’t leave me with a bunch of stuff to get rid of when you die.”  Now, I’m not planning on dying soon but I do want to remove clutter and clean up.  My wife is fully onboard and my daughter thinks we are “messy” so she fully agrees as wellcat-468232_1920.jpg.

Today I noticed a slight build up of kitchen grease on the very top of our kitchen cabinet above the stove.  I did a quick YouTube search and came across this helpful video (see below) I thought I’d share with you.  This isn’t my video or my house.  Enjoy the video and if you have any cleaning tips, please feel free to share them in the comments below!

Your Cooking Sucks – Wow Them with Your Personal Signature Meal!

Let’s face it…you suck as a cook!  But if there is one thing you need is a “signature meal” to wow your potential partner.  A few weeks ago, I wrote about a “signature cocktail drink” you should be able to make all the time.  Now we will discuss having a signature dish.  If you can cook, that means you just step up a notch on the ladder of life.

Dinner.jpgBut if you can’t cook, you can still trick them into thinking that you know how to cook with a signature dish.  That one dish you can cook with your eyes closed AND it tastes amazing.  You need a foolproof dish.   A dish that any moron (like myself) can make.  It needs to be easy and tasty.  A dish that melts in your mouth, that causes the taste buds to explode with desire for the next bite!

If you are a really bad cook….I suggest a slow cooking process like a crock pot meal.  My friend Mark is an excellent cook and he gave my wife (who is another excellent cook) a recipe for Mississippi Pot Roast.  Easy, simple, and very tasty.  Even I could make it; it’s that easy.

Plus you’ll have leftovers you can make some sandwiches for tomorrow’s lunch at work!  Double score!

Keep in mind that a crockpot recipe is a slow cooking recipe.  Always read the recipe and pay attention to the cooking time.

Now throw in a decent bottle of red wine and a wonderful tossed green salad (hey, we need our vegetables, right?).  You have yourself your signature dinner and you are one step closer to closing the deal!

Do you have an easy recipe you’d like to share?  One that won’t make your guest puke?  Share it in the comments section below!

 President’s Day/Mid-Winter Break in Chelan

In the greater Puget Sound area, a fair number of the private and public schools have the President’s Day week off. No one knows for sure why we take a whole week off (considering we just had two weeks off around Christmas and New Year’s Day).   I use to hate having another week off so soon after Christmas, but I have grown to love it over the years.  The hustle and bustle of Christmas is over, which makes this week a good break for vacation trips.  Airfare prices arent too bad and it seems only our local schools do the “Mid-Winter” Break.

The past few years, we have gone to Hawaii (Kauai, Maui, and the Big Island), California.  This year, my daughter is doing club volleyball and my son is doing a college program during his senior year so a family trip wasn’t going to happen. My son still has classes this week, while my daughter doesn’t.  So no out of town, flyaway trips for us.

This year, we did manage to get away to Lake Chelan.  We traded overcast, rainy skies for snow and gray skies.  The drive over was decent; roads and highways were wet and snow free.


As you can see from the photos, the lake appeared, disappeared, and then reappeared.

Then on a drive up to look at a piece of property, the clouds rolled in and went from blue skies to thick clouds (or fog) conditions.

Uh, the road is somewhere out there.


During the winter, the towns of Chelan and Manson slow down. Some of the businesses are mostly the summer type, catering to the tourist families from the west side of the Cascade mountains and stay open during summer months only.  In the winter, the local wineries and their tasting rooms switch to the Friday-Saturday-Sunday limited hours schedule due to the slowdown in suburban mom traffic.  As an example, a few weeks back when my wife and I came to Chelan, we were the only ones at the Benson Vibeyard/Winery’s tasting room.  A nice quiet afternoon to enjoy the view and a bottle of red wine.

Overall, Chelan and Manson are both great getaway locations.  Lots of wineries, a bowling alley, a few pizza and burger joints await the hardy visitor.  Snowshoe or cross country ski in the morning, do a few wine tastings in the afternoon, head out to dinner, and cap it all off with a night of bowling.  What could be more fun?

How To Manipulate Your Spouse into Loving You Again! 8 Awesome Tips!

You’ll be pleased to know that this blog post is approved by both my wife and Mr. Whiskers.   Yet, I haven’t had a chance to ask Cyndi, my imaginary stalker, if she likes it or not.

A few of my friends will ask “Hey, how come you love your wife so much?”  Well, clearly it is because she manipulates me.   She knows what motivates me into being a better person. We all know my wife is the better half of this marriage.  No one asks me “How are you doing?”  But they always ask about her and how she is doing. (Maybe they know she is going nuts because she is married to me?).

One could argue that manipulating  your spouse is wrong, however in reality, we all do it. My wife knows exactly how to steer me in the “right” direction. Usually, her direction is the right direction (unless it interferes with Mr. Whisker’s nap time).  Is it wrong to give your spouse limited choices, that result in the correct choice?  The choice that, in the end, is the right choice?

Now the manipulation only works if that person believes in  you…or wants to believe in you.  We all want our significant other to motivate us, push us, encourage us to succeed.  We all enjoy that manipulation because it appeals to our own desire to be a winner.  You could say that our spouses motivate us, in which they do, but they manipulate us as well.

But what if our spouses had given up on us? Should we change the tables and perhaps push them back into a position we want them to be? Shouldn’t we rise up and encourage them to fall back in love with the loveable loser (that’s you dear reader) again?  Let’s look at some completely worthless advice tips that probably won’t help you with your relationship but are nevertheless the point of this blog.

Worthless Advice Tips to Manipulate Your Spouse into Loving You Again:

  1. Learn to Cook – take a good cooking class and learn how to boil water and make one amazing dish.  Or just pop something in the microwave…same thing, right?food-712665_1920
  2. Do a load of Laundry – Sure, we know you haven’t done a load of laundry since college, but this is the time to do it again.  My recommendation: use the local laundromat that offers A Full Service Drop Off Service.  I’m pretty sure you can Google that crap somewhere.laundry-saloon-567951_1920
  3. Ditch the Kids – You know your spouse is tired of watching the kids, so make the effort to pawn them off to relatives or friends for one blessed night.  One night of no whining….(well, except for your dog’s whining.)grandstand-330930_1920
  4. Spa Night – Offer your spouse a massage.  Paint their nails like a three year old at preschool.  Then promptly fall asleep…treatment-1327811_1920
  5. Vacuum – Instead of reminding your spouse the carpet looks like a herd of elk walked over it, plug in the vacuum and turn it on for them to do.  Remember to lift your feet as your spouse vacuums near you.  It’s the least you can do as you update your Facebook status about your “tough day at work”.vacuum-cleaner-657719_1920
  6. Speak Kindly – Don’t be the sassy smartass for one night…(unless you write a worthless advice blog. Then you should kind all the time because you know your worthless advice isn’t worth anything.)conversation-799448_1920.png
  7. Take Care of Your Appearance – Heck, your spouse goes out of their way to look good for you.  Return the favor by getting out of your sweatpants at least once a week, taking a shower, shaving your beard.  I know those sweatpants are comfortable…I wear mine too much.  But they do signal to the world “Hey, I’ve given up” and that’s not you, right?barber-1979440_1280
  8. Let your Spouse pick the Movie….for once…  Give in and watch the new action movie or sappy (totally unrealistic) romantic comedy… just once.  Do it for your spouse and your cat.popcorn-1085072_1920

Again thanks for stopping by and reading my “Worthless Advice Tips to Manipulate Your Spouse into Loving You Again”.  Feel free to forward this on to your friends and spouse.  Leave a few comments below…

Yup! You were right…Your Spouse is trying to kill you!

I have som20140316-060511.jpge bad news for you folks that work and help support the family.  It appears that your spouse is trying to kill you.

Shocking?  A bit…but not unexpected, is it?

The news gets worse if you are a woman.

It seems that if you are a working woman, those long hours at your job are more detrimental to your health than to a man’s health.  Does this mean you can’t handle it?  Hardly.  It means your spouse is trying to kill you by making you work!  It also probably means you care a bit more about your job than your lazy husband.  You know he doesn’t care about his job.  He is just worried about what he is having for lunch.  You are the one who has to get up at 5 am, shower, put your make up on, catch the train, walk the remaining half mile to your job, scan in using your keycard, listening to your lame boss, eat lunch at your desk, create a value added spreadsheet, work some more, suffer through yet another meeting, rush to catch the train back, and walk uphill back to your house, and eat some leftover frozen pizza your husband somehow managed to find in the freezer.

And what about your husband?  Eating some Ben and Jerry’s ice cream as he watches that baseball game on TV.  Look at that smug look in his eyes as he takes another heap of ice cream from the bowl into his waiting mouth.  I bet he has a beer on the table too.  You can tell he doesn’t care.

You? You’re different.  You know you rock at your job.  You do the best you can…you care.

Him?  He doesn’t care.  He just wants to talk about sports during his hour long, three martini lunches.  That selfish ass.

He knows that $3 Million Dollar life insurance policy is on your head and he is planning to get his hands on that money one way or another.

Watch out for that harmless vacation to Kauai.  You never know what hiking trail he plans to take you on.

Hold on now…what if you are a man?

What about it?  You know your’e dead inside already.  Your spouse is just helping you slide down the final few feet to your doom.  It’s perfectly ok; you were meant to be a clog in the machine.  Just sit back and enjoy that bowl of ice cream, everything will be just fine.

Source: MSN Health

 

 

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