April 4, 2017
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I sometimes worry myself about how I can even figure this stuff out…..
Ok, maybe you just can’t handle the whole “owing a house or renting an apartment” thing. Maybe you are more suited to living in your car or in a shipping crate by the railroad tracks. Perhaps that is more of your housing style, however, what will you do about showers, laundry, and sleeping arrangements?
Not to worry dear readers, my worthless advice about “How to Be Homeless” will give you all the awesome advice (or perhaps worthless advice) you need to be successful as a homeless person.
In addition, my tips will allow you to save money and become a success in your personal and professional life. Remember, homeless doesn’t mean you are jobless! And homeless doesn’t mean not having a vehicle either! It only means you don’t have a home!
Shall we begin?
- Be Clean: Join a 24/7 Fitness Gym with shower facilities that has many locations. A hot shower, free soap and shampoo, free towels, and a shave? And you exercise too? Sign me up!
- Dump Your Garbage. Learn where all the public parks are located at. Free garbage service and access to some interesting bathroom options.
- Learn where all the Starbucks ae located (Just kidding…there is one on every corner).
- Hide right under their Noses: Find Fire Stations or Police Stations to park at. You can certain park your car in the visitor parking lot for a few hours or overnight. Who is going to check?
- Hang out in Plain Sight. Park your Honda right at the Honda dealership or Honda Mechanic’s Garage parking lot. One more care isn’t going to be noticed. Or if you have a white van, put a made up delivery company logo on your van…your van is now a delivery van. Park it in the back of a UPS store. You now look like you below there.
- Enjoy Food: Not having a home means your food budget is now huge! You can eat out all the time or you can eat healthy salads you make in the backseat. Yum!
- Visit relatives/friends during the holidays. Bless them with your presence for two or three nights.
- Find locations off the beaten path that offer free power. Invest in a long extension cord from that rest stop bathroom to your car.
- Find 24 hour Laundromats. Do laundry, drink beer, and watch TV. Everyone wins here!
- Find 24 hour Businesses. You can park in their parking lot and they will never know. People are always coming and going and your car will look like an employee’s car.
- Get a Post Office Box for your mail. But ideally, pay everything online. Have auto deposit and auto pay systems set up.
Enjoy these eleven awesome “How to be Homeless Tips!” Remember, you don’t have to let society dictate to you on how to live your life! You can still have a nice car or van, be a clean person, have a good job, and be a productive member of society by using my proven system!
Do you have some awesome advice? Well, keep it to yourself. We want only worthless and sarcastic comments below. Hmm, maybe you can add a few tips…go ahead…comment below and hit the “Like” button too.
March 25, 2017
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With Spring officially here, it’s time to tidy up the yard after winter. So for the past several weeks, I’ve cut down a cherry tree, trim back my huge rhododendrons, and hacked back my bamboo hedge. Needless to say, I’ve filled my green waster bin, my neighbor’s green waste bin, and about four extra garbage cans full of yard debris.
We still need to do a few more yard tasks. In the next few weeks, we need to clean out the pool, mow my lawn (I’ll ask my son Hayden to do that and it will take probably three weeks of nagging for him to do it), and do some weeding.
As I’m out in my yard working…you can enjoy a mint and my misery.
March 21, 2017
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Ah, March 28 is National Hot Tub Day according to some random website I stumbled upon when I was bored one evening (who says this internet isn’t helpful and only spreads “fake news”?). Throw on your speedo, thong, or your bikini, play some Kenny G, and hit the hot tub because it is National Hot Tub Day!!
On a side tangent, I noticed that romance writers love hot tubs. They write the hot tubs into their stories all the time. Yes, I read romance novels. In between rapid reading of my gun magazines, truck magazines, and muscle car magazines, resides my collection of romance novels. Since I am a caring and sensitive guy (just ask my imaginary stalker Cyndi), you know that I am a great fan of romance novels.
But let’s get back to the focus of National Hot Tub Day and that is Hot Tubs. Hot tubs are a wonderful way to soak away your problems and worries. It’s like a vacation at your own home. I like to make sure my hot tub is properly maintained. Lucky for me, I don’t have sensitive skin, just sensitive feelings. OK, we know I don’t have any feelings but we still want to have some nice hot tub water.
Lately, we have had some cold and rainy weather. After all, it is Seattle and we don’t get sunshine until July. I’ve been feeling cold lately, so I love to enjoy the hot tub when it is chilly out. My muscles and joint loosen up and I can just sit there and float. For roughly 15 minutes, I can just relax. I can pretend I’m at a ski resort or on the beach on the island of Kauai.
Tips for Successful Hot Tub Party Day:
What if you don’t have a hot tub? Find a friend or a neighbor that has one. Then invite yourself over on National Hot Tub Day. You owe it to them to honor this day!
Avoid Alcohol – Wait, what? Yes, we all know I enjoy a nice whiskey but alcohol and hot tubs aren’t a good mix. Hot Tub water dilutes your cocktail too much. The warm water in your hot tub can speed up the process of inebriation, and can increase your chances of a hangover
Avoid Falling Asleep in the Hot Tub – you should focusing on the soaking and relaxing of the hot water. Enjoy this moment, save sleeping for your bed.
Have Music – What to play? Some Depeche Mode? Some Kenny G? Some Lady Gaga remix? The theme from the movie “Jaws”? It’s up to you, but don’t keep that stereo or iPhone too close to the hot tub. You don’t want your imaginary friends to knock it in.
Have Extra Towels Available – you know some goofball will forget his towel and then wander around your house looking for one. That’s a good way to ruin your hardwood floors. Have a stack of old towels ready for him.
Clean! – Keep the area around your hot tub clean. Vacuum up all the lose dirt, dog hair, old fern leaves, and candy wrappers. You don’t want to drag all that stuff into your hot tub.
Take A Shower – Encourage your guest to shower BEFORE they come over to hot tub. The less body oils, old sweat, stripper dust, and daily dirt you have coming into the hot tub, the better! It cuts down on chemical use.
Check the Chemical Levels – You should be doing daily or weekly check of the chemicals. Use those water test strips.
Those are my awesome (or rather worthless) hot tub tips for National Hot Tub Day! I know you won’t bother to play attention to them but at least pretend you read the whole blog post and give it a big “LIKE”. Can you do that? Thanks!
March 12, 2017
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Just to be clear, Manhattan, the cocktail drink is my kryptonite. Not Manhattan, one of the five boroughs of New York City. Sure, Manhattan and New York City are fabulous. However, this post is about the drink.
Let’s be frank…I enjoy whiskey and scotch. So a Manhattan has whisky in it so of course, you know I’ll enjoy it.
Cocktail drinks bring up certain emotions and memories. One of my favorite memories of the Manhattan cocktail drink is having one with my cousin Stephen in Manhattan. Stephen is more of a little brother than a cousin. So whenever I enjoy a Manhattan drink, I think of him. Manhattan is my signature cocktail drink with him. A memory to savor, enjoy, and fall back into the depths of my fond memories of New York City.
The Manhattan cocktail isn’t my downfall, however, it does bring me to a sentimental place. The place where happiness and good memories intersect into a valt of feelings.
Another cocktail drink I enjoy….Vodka Lemonade. A sip of a nicely blended Vodka Lemonade brings me back to the numerous summers on the shores of Lake Entiat at Lincoln Rock State Park with my family. You can also add Maui to the memories of Vodka Lemonade.
Since I lived in and visit Hawaii often, I always like a Mai Tai cocktail. I don’t like to drink too many sugary drinks, but a Mai Tai does hit the spot.
What drinks instantly bring you back to a fond memory? Or perhaps a band memory?
And as always: Drink responsibly.
March 10, 2017
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Well, I have no helpful writing tips for you and your upcoming bestselling novel. This is my worthless advice blog, remember? If you want some helpful tips, you might as well just click over to someone who is helpful like: Jenna Morcci. She’s an author/writer/blogger I stumbled upon, while I was watching YouTube. Before you judge me, my YouTube viewing is called “research.” While I was “researching” something…. (Truth be told, you know I was wasting time with Mr. Whiskers by my side, trying to figure out something on YouTube when Jenna Morcci’s writing videos came into my feed).
Let’s get to the point….She is hilarious! Well crafted videos that are a bit sarcastic, but helpful on writing. She’s informative, delightful, and has some great writing points. Hmm, she could be more helpful than my worthless advice blog and that could be dangerous. Perhaps, she could be my arch enemy? Nah, that would involve me thinking too much of plot lines, character development, and how to write more than two sentences together and thus make something worthwhile. One of my favorite videos is at the end of this post.
To combat her cleverness, I probably should throw together a witty list of “How to Write a Novel” tips. Here goes my worthless advice tips list that won’t help you at all:
- Write in a Safe Space. Yes, go to your safe space. This could be an extra room in your house, under the stairs, the local coffee shop, or the pub down the street (see item #2).
- Consume large quantities of alcohol. All the great, successful writer were drunks. Why should you be any different? Drink up! You could even have a signature drink!
- Play music appropriate to your writing style. Feeling romantic? Play some love songs. Your story takes place at an all night rave? Throw on some EMD trance music.
- Read. Heck, you can’t write if you don’t read. Read your genre or just read the classics. Just don’t sit around and do nothing. Pick up that Kindle and read!
- Soak in a Hot Tub – this is a wonderful way to relax, brainstorm, and not write. You are in a hot tub, how could you write anything down?
- Surf the internet. Remember I said not to sit around and do nothing? Well, start surfing that internet and enjoy learning about how to snowboard in New Zealand. It won’t help you write but you might end up with a great storyline, a blog post, or a new place to visit.
- Watch YouTube videos. This is an awesome way to learn a new skill…how to change out a wheel bearing, how to paint your house, how to waste time watching You Tube videos about how to be successful. It’s always just a big circle; watch a video and never write that next great American novel.
- Play with your cat! What can you distract you more than your cat? So cute, so cuddling. It makes you want to watch cute cat videos on YouTube! Am I right? You know I am.
- Chat with your Imaginary Stalker Cyndi -You know you haven’t been paying enough attention to Cyndi and she doesn’t like that. She will get you back….and she is your #1 fan!
Luckily, I know none of these tips will help you to become a better writer. I know they won’t help you doing anything that moves you along to becoming successful, or happy, or the pride of your family.
Here’s a link to Jenna’s videos. If you like a snarky attitude, you like to write, and you think I might actually have some good advice for you, just click on her video! I don’t get paid to say how much I enjoy her videos, but she is pretty funny. She should at least take me out to dinner for all of the web traffic my blog will be sending her…. No, I’m not in love with her…. (my wife will roll her eyes when she reads this part…). Until Jenna comments on my blog….I bid you a fond farewell.
March 5, 2017
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Sorry that this is a worthless advice tip…..and it doesn’t feature any kitty cats. Well, just a picture of a cat; that’s it.
For the past few months, we have decided to clean up and get rid of a lot of stuff that has accumulated over the past 13 years here in our mansion. Part of this cleaning focus stems from my Father passing away and my Mom needing help to get rid of stuff. In December, my son and I flew to Kauai to help my mom tackle the office and help close down the photography business.
When I came home, my son and I were in agreement that we needed to clear out the clutter. His words were something to the tune of “Please don’t leave me with a bunch of stuff to get rid of when you die.” Now, I’m not planning on dying soon but I do want to remove clutter and clean up. My wife is fully onboard and my daughter thinks we are “messy” so she fully agrees as well.
Today I noticed a slight build up of kitchen grease on the very top of our kitchen cabinet above the stove. I did a quick YouTube search and came across this helpful video (see below) I thought I’d share with you. This isn’t my video or my house. Enjoy the video and if you have any cleaning tips, please feel free to share them in the comments below!
January 25, 2017
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It has been brought to my attention that my blog of worthless advice may have offended some of you. Now, with my blog having a readership of two readers, it is hard to know where to take this blog. There is a lot of pressure to keep the blog interesting for my two readers.
Growing your blog readership isn’t easy for a blog that has the words “worthless advice” in the title. I think I’ve narrowed my target audience to a fairly small niche: people who like worthless advice. Is there a huge market out there for worthless advice? Well, obliviously not since I have only two readers.
My advice isn’t good. I get a lot of my blog ideas from movies I watch, the news I read, and articles I discover online. I usually try to build upon those ideas into a nice blog post about worthless advice. Take for example, my yard sales tips post. It’s a very well written piece that clearly shows worthless advice for your next yard sale. Terribly worthless advice that no one should take. But I do hope that you find it humorous because it is so worthless.
So, my dear readers, I’m sorry if I offended you with my worthless advice. I’ll try to make it up to sometime soon. You can help me by suggesting some blog post ideas below in my comment section. Thanks for reading!
January 24, 2017
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I enjoy comedy shows and how they point out the craziness of today’s current events. I enjoy reading Facebook posts of my friends as well. However, I have noticed a trend of people giving up Facebook. I can understand that. I may have to give up on Facebook, the news, and my favorite comedy shows. Perhaps, I will think of only rainbows and unicorns. Keep myself upbeat. You know what I’m talking about, right?
The news channels are telling me what is going on out there in the world. Facebook is full of ranting and raving, hurt feelings, and cat videos. And folks, it’s not pretty watching and reading all of that.
I should just relax with my family and not watch the news. Sit back and appreciate what I have. It’s a good plan isn’t it?
I’ll even stick to my plan of not talking about my family in my blog posts. However, I’ll keep you informed of how my cat Mr. Whiskers is doing and how Cyndi (my imaginary stalker) is staying in the stalking business. Maybe I’ll slip in a good story of how much I appreciate my two blog readers, my wife, and my kids.
I will continue to offer worthless advice. With the name of my blog containing “worthless advice”, it is hopefully oblivious to my two readers that this blog is meant to be funny. I know I fail at being funny, but I try.
Leave your comments below…give me some feedback on what I should be writing about. It will only take a minute.
January 19, 2017
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OK…I’ve been off the radar and blog posting for a while. I got busy, then lazy, and then I lost the spirit to write. However, I’m getting back into the Blog Posting Game!! Yeah, let’s start posting again. Chat about worthless advice and everything else that crosses my mind. You can give me suggestions (blogging ideas) in the comment section below!
My Dad passed away at the end of October. I’m in the middle of helping my Mom sell off stuff that she won’t use and our family (my siblings) won’t use. This includes a 2008 Smart Car with less that 5000 miles on it, a 2010 Airstream Bambi Flying Cloud 19 trailer (in awesome shape), and an electric boat (about 19 feet long, currently on Anderson Island, WA). We also are selling my Dad’s old Hasselblad camera equipment. That prompted me to sell my old Hasselblad camera equipment as well. Slowly, my son and I are posting items for sale on eBay and Craig’s List.
That’s it for now. Again, thanks for reading!