Kevin Hellriegel's Blog of Worthless Advice

The only blog that you really want to read…or ignore.

Category Archives: Humor

I’m the Hopes and Dreams Killer….

Oh, tonight I have decided to kill your misguided hopes and deranged dreams. You think that you are safe from me? Thanks to Facebook and Twitter (hell, all social media), I know what you like and dislike. I know your hopes, your dreams, your scrape goats, your demons, I know who your truly are.

You can tell yourself “I’m a good person.” But you aren’t.

I’m here to tell you….I will destroy you. Your racist dreams will be the sweat soup I enjoy as I torture you and destroy you. For every post of you complaining about the “good old days”, I will smash you down. I will stomp on your sexism views, your hypocrisy, your holier than thou attitude.

I will redirect your hate and anger. I’ll crush your worthless, thoughtless, and insecure paranoid.

And when you die, you might think you will be going to heaven. Instead, you’ll be in hell….and I’m Employee of Forever (not, month or year…..Forever) in Hell. Your hell will be my Heaven.

So….go back to racist rants, your crying and tears of how unfair life is, your blessed life….but remember to keep in the back of your mind the fact…..I’ll be there to greet you at the Gates of Hell. I will torture you forever because of your sins on Earth!

Thoughts and Prayers to you! You will definitely need them.

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Good News…it’s Saturday…and I still don’t care

Good morning….did you get to sleep in? You snuggling with your dog on the couch, coffee cup in hand?

It’s not like I don’t really care. I do care. I just want to make sure you know that I’m hungry and there is a piece of bacon calling my name. I’m distracted.

You know what I do care about? Breakfast.

It’s a fine meal…pancakes, eggs, some coffee, bacon. It’s the “Let’s Kick Ass” Meal of the day. You eat a hearty breakfast and you can take on the day.

Lunch? That’s the “I’m halfway through my miserable day” meal. Halfway! And you never get to enjoy lunch because you know you have to go back to your awful job.

Don’t get me started on Dinner. That’s the “My Day sucked so let’s get it over with” meal. You sit there, wishing your steak was cooked a little bit better, the bread wasn’t as hard, and your salad wasn’t trying to kill you.

We’ll talk about drinks later…..

As always, your thoughts and comment are welcome. Pretend you and I both care and send me some comments.

Another New Year – Welcome to Hell….riegel

As you can see, I haven’t posted for a long time. I know you don’t care why I haven’t been blogging and I really can’t give you a good answer as to why I stopped. Perhaps my life got boring? Maybe Mr. Whiskers, my cat, didn’t inspire me anymore?

Blogging use to be a great way for me to express my sarcasm and get my thoughts out.

Now I just keep everything bottled up….

The good news is that, I’m back. It’s a new year and I’m pretty sure I can keep you all entertained with my charming wit and my worthless advice.

This year, we will be talking about my opinion. As you are aware, I’m a humble person. Humble enough to say that most of you need my help, insight, and advice.

I’m not going to mince words but I’m also not going to hurt your feelings. I know you are all sensitive and I should be more aware of that. At least, that is what I have been told by my online therapist. And I’m pretty sure she needs my help too.

I know I don’t look like your therapist…I’m much better looking and I’m way better at the therapy than your actual therapist. Just remember, let me help you, help yourself.

Let’s get down to it, shall we? Feel free to send your suggestions on what I should talk about, complain about, or write about. As always, I appreciate your comments and feedback.

Water Woes…leaks, broken appliances, and more!

image1Welcome to the last week of 2017!  In the last two weeks of 2017, I was quite pleased with myself.  We purchased a new fridge (awesome deal because it was a scratch and dent model) and a new dishwasher (Christmas present to myself and my wife).  Sure, my kitchen will be the same old kitchen but two of the appliances are shiny and new.

Then I opened the letter from the water department.  It nicely stated that we might have a water leak because our water usage was higher than normal.  My first thought was excessive use of the shower by my two teenagers but that was quickly dismissed by shutting off the house water main in the house.  The water meter was still moving.  Ah…a nice slow leak between the meter and my house.

Not to worry…I have a step-cousin in the water line repair business.  He has a big house and his kids are in private school so I’m sure this will be a cheap fix.  He also likes to take fancy vacations….

Then my son tells me that the water main value in the garage is leaking.  This is the same water main value I had turned off to determine the other water leak.  Sure enough, it was leaking.  After three trips to the local McLendon’s Hardware store and three hours, we had replaced the broken gate value with a nice new ball value.  (That’s fancy man talk there).  I thought for sure my soldering job would cause a spray of water all over but I’m pleased to report that it didn’t leak at all.  Considering I haven’t repaired a copper pipe in about ten years, I did pretty good job.  $32 in parts, three hours of my time, but I missed my Aunt’s Christmas party (that was disappointing).

The next water related item: my sister and Mom managed to jam up their garbage disposal.  So I had to pack up my tools and head over to their place.  Luckily, it was merely a jam and the disposal didn’t have to be replace.  Yeah! One “win” against the Water Woe Wars!

Along with the new fridge, I mentioned I got a new dishwasher.  I paid for the removal of the old one and installation of the new one.  No problem there except that it was installed on Tuesday December 26, I didn’t use it until Thursday December 28….and it ran for half a cycle.

I tried to cancel the cycle, I tired to drain it, I tried to resume the wash cycle, I even flipped my breaker on and off and tried to do a new wash cycle.  Yet, my new Maytag dishwasher won’t do anything now.  Not to worry, it is a Maytag and under warranty.  I had the delightful pleasure of sitting on hold for 20 minutes and then the system hung up on me!  Awesome.  So I did an online chat support and now have a repair tech coming out on Tuesday, January 2.

Back to the outside water leak.  The water leak detection crew finally made it out on Thursday to find the leak.  Now, I have my cousin’s crew out here digging up my yard.  I’ll let you know what they discover.

And the last two items of water problems…leaky bathroom sink faucet and a broken bathroom sink faucet.  My son’s bathroom sink faucet started to leak.  Now, it might be a washer but the cold water handle is also a bit broken so I’m just going to repair the whole faucet.  And of course, my bathroom faucet has been broken for about three years.  The hot water side is messed up so I’m just replacing it as well.  What the hell, right?

In the meantime, enjoy your final weekend of 2017.

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Need a Gift for Mother’s Day? Best Gift Ideas for People who want to make a Happy Mother’s Day come true! Or a list for people who need a little help…..

If you are sensitive, or don’t understand satire, stop reading now. This blog post will probably offend you and you’ll be all up on arms. You’ll say stuff like “Oh, you’ve gone too far.” “Oh, he must hate his wife.” “Oh, I’m pretty sure he will be dead by the time I finish reading this post because his wife will probably have killed him by now.”

Terrible gift ideas – it’s what you love and live for!  Here’s a start…things to avoid…

Clothes – you can’t dress yourself. What makes you think you can buy clothes for your wife?

A picture of your dick – yeah, she knows you have a dick and that’s why she’s a mother. She doesn’t need to see the reminder of her prison sentence. She just had to look at her wedding ring to remind herself why her life sucks.

Anything to do with cleaning: she doesn’t want a new mop, vacuum cleaner, or toilet brush.

Excerise/workout/gym memberships – have you no brain at all?  Why would you think this is good idea? Did you think of this when you were eating your cheeseburger and drinking a beer?

Clothes….also avoid…Anything her mom or your mom would wear and thus remind her that she is old or a mom.

A booklet of stupid coupons. You are a grown man, leave that shit to your kids.

Anything that reminds her of her past life.  Her carefree, fun single life where she just thought about the next book she was going to read…what bar she was going to visit at Happy Hour….the next guy she was going to flirt with…

Sexy Lingerie –  She’s now a mom, not a carefree single woman or a just married vixen. She’s now serving a prison sentence being married to your dumbass and raising your bratty kids.

Any kind of gift that is really disguised as a gift for her but is really a gift for yourself.  That subscription to Boat Monthly doesn’t interest your wife.

I can hear you saying “What about x”. “But there is always an exception to the rule”??Did you just hear why you said? Yes, I know there is an exception to the rule, that’s why it is called an exception. Do you think you are exceptional enough to pull off a good Mother’s Day gift?

Trust me….No, you aren’t. You are just an average joe schmuck thinking you know best. Thinking that way is a sure way to get yourself dead.  You shop in bulk at Costco and get excited when you get a good deal at the gas pump.

A weight scale – by far…this is the worst idea a sane man could buy for the mother of his children. What the hell are you thinking? Unless she is a instagram fitness model, don’t even think of buying a weight scale.

An ironing board – we all know those clothes aren’t going to iron themselves and neither is your wife. Just resign yourself to the fact she is going to take her blouse to the local dry cleaners and get charged $7.99 per blouse. Sorry, you won’t be saving any money with this lame gift idea.

Did I mention Sexy lingerie – seriously? That ship has sailed and sank to the bottom of the sea. You are lucky she even allows you to touch her, much less let you see her in anything other than her flannel pajamas.

Tracksuit – what the heck? Does she look like a Russian monster’s wife? When is a tracksuit sexy? Maybe on that 25 year old instragram model you aren’t married to.

Remember when I asked you before: Do you think you are exceptional enough to pull off a good Mother’s Day gift?  You aren’t… but hey, let’s continue down your path of dillusion.

A new pet – oh, another responsibility? Wow, how kind of you and the kids.  Another mouth to feed, clean up after, and take to the vet (doctor).

You know what your wife wants for Mother’s Day? She wants a weekend away with her girlfriends. And when she gets back from that weekend, she wants the house clean, the dishes done, and the laundry folded. Oh, and she wants your undying love and devotion. Is that too much to ask?

Have a great Mother’s Day!! Good luck all you Moms out there!! 

Thanks for reading and commenting….

It’s a beautiful day for Track Practice!

Ah, today is the first day of my daughter’s middle school track practice.  Of course, we live in Seattle and it is raining. Oh boy, nothing like being wet and miserable for track practice.

Our family isn’t much for running. My brother completed at the high school date level but he is the only runner in the family.  I’m always surprised when my kids went out and joined the track team. It’s a no cut sport so they make the team no matter what.

My daughter has stated she doesn’t like to run, however, she is joining the track team as a show of support for her friend. Kudos to her!

The other nice thing she said: we don’t have to go to any of the track meets! Yes!!!!  It is truly an awesome thing to tell your lazy father (little old me) that he isn’t required to go to any track meets. Yippee!

Don’t get me wrong; I enjoy a watching my kids compete in their various sports….as long as it is sunny outside and I’m comfortable.  And I don’t mind being in a pleasant indoor, heated arena.  You know, sports like volleyball, swimming, basketball.

With my daughter saying I don’t have to attend her track meets, it really means I don’t have to be out in the rain, in the wind, or in the typical miserable spring weather we have in the Puget Sound area.  It also mean I avoid sitting on an uncomfortable outdoor metal bench and watch my daughter run in the forementioned miserable weather.  Instead, I can sit on my big butt on the couch and watch afternoon talk shows and order a pizza via my smartphone.  Heck, I might even have a hot cocoa and flip on my gas fireplace while I stare out my living room, watching the rain pour or drizzle down.


Thanks again daughter for giving me a get out of track jail free card!  I will truly enjoy staying home and not watching you not run.

Hey…it’s Friday…everything will be ok, right?

It’s Spring Break here in our house and my daughter has spent the past week in Washington D.C. with her school group. She’s an 8th grader and has really enjoyed the trip.  The tour is organized by one of the teachers that seems to love to take a group of 8th graders every year back to D. C. and do a whirlwind tour.

Only two kids have been lost.  Both of them were boys and both of them had their mothers as their mini-tour group leader.  It looks like those helicopter moms left someone behind.  That goodness they don’t work in the military.   I can’t wait to hear the whole story and then to hear their (Mom’s) version of the incident.  Of course, after I heard the stories from my daughter, I really wanted to text the moms about what happen…but I didn’t. I didn’t even post a question on Facebook about how they managed to lose their own kid.  They shall remain nameless.

Have a great weekend.  Don’t eat too many French fries!

Tired of having a home? The Guide to living the Homeless Lifestyle (the Correct Way)!

I sometimes worry myself about how I can even figure this stuff out…..

Ok, maybe you just can’t handle the whole “owing a house or renting an apartment” thing.  Maybe you are more suited to living in your car or in a shipping crate by the railroad tracks.  Perhaps that is more of your housing style, however, what will you do about showers, laundry, and sleeping arrangements?

Not to worry dear readers, my worthless advice about “How to Be Homeless” will give you all the awesome advice (or perhaps worthless advice) you need to be successful as a homeless person.

In addition, my tips will allow you to save money and become a success in your personal and professional life.  Remember, homeless doesn’t mean you are jobless!  And homeless doesn’t mean not having a vehicle either!  It only means you don’t have a home!

Shall we begin?

  1. Be Clean: Join a 24/7 Fitness Gym with shower facilities that has many locations.  A hot shower, free soap and shampoo, free towels, and a shave?  And you exercise too?  Sign me up!
  2. Dump Your Garbage.  Learn where all the public parks are located at.  Free garbage service and access to some interesting bathroom options.
  3. Learn where all the Starbucks ae located (Just kidding…there is one on every corner).
  4. Hide right under their Noses: Find Fire Stations or Police Stations to park at.  You can certain park your car in the visitor parking lot for a few hours or overnight.  Who is going to check?
  5. Hang out in Plain Sight.  Park your Honda right at the Honda dealership or  Honda Mechanic’s Garage parking lot.  One more care isn’t going to be noticed.  Or if you have a white van, put a made up delivery company logo on your van…your van is now a delivery van.  Park it in the back of a UPS store.  You now look like you below there.
  6. Enjoy Food: Not having a home means your food budget is now huge!  You can eat out all the time or you can eat healthy salads you make in the backseat.  Yum!
  7. Visit relatives/friends during the holidays.  Bless them with your presence for two or three nights.
  8. Find locations off the beaten path that offer free power. Invest in a long extension cord from that rest stop bathroom to your car.
  9. Find 24 hour Laundromats.  Do laundry, drink beer, and watch TV.  Everyone wins here!
  10. Find 24 hour Businesses.  You can park in their parking lot and they will never know.  People are always coming and going and your car will look like an employee’s car.
  11. Get a Post Office Box for your mail.  But ideally, pay everything online.  Have auto deposit and auto pay systems set up.

Enjoy these eleven awesome “How to be Homeless Tips!”  Remember, you don’t have to let society dictate to you on how to live your life!  You can still have a nice car or van, be a clean person, have a good job, and be a productive member of society by using my proven system!

Happy Homelessness!

Do you have some awesome advice?  Well, keep it to yourself.  We want only worthless and sarcastic comments below.  Hmm, maybe you can add a few tips…go ahead…comment below and hit the “Like” button too.

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When texting is a Good Thing!

What is the Best Time to do Yard work? Never….

With Spring officially here, it’s time to tidy up the yard after winter.  So for the past several weeks, I’ve cut down a cherry tree, trim back my huge rhododendrons, and hacked back my bamboo hedge.  Needless to say, I’ve filled my green waster bin, my neighbor’s green waste bin, and about four extra garbage cans full of yard debris.

We still need to do a few more yard tasks. In the next few weeks, we need to clean out the pool, mow my lawn (I’ll ask my son Hayden to do that and it will take probably three weeks of nagging for him to do it), and do some weeding.

As I’m out in my yard working…you can enjoy a mint and my misery.

Mint

 

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