Kevin Hellriegel's Blog of Worthless Advice

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Category Archives: Humor

Need a Gift for Mother’s Day? Best Gift Ideas for People who want to make a Happy Mother’s Day come true! Or a list for people who need a little help…..

If you are sensitive, or don’t understand satire, stop reading now. This blog post will probably offend you and you’ll be all up on arms. You’ll say stuff like “Oh, you’ve gone too far.” “Oh, he must hate his wife.” “Oh, I’m pretty sure he will be dead by the time I finish reading this post because his wife will probably have killed him by now.”

Terrible gift ideas – it’s what you love and live for!  Here’s a start…things to avoid…

Clothes – you can’t dress yourself. What makes you think you can buy clothes for your wife?

A picture of your dick – yeah, she knows you have a dick and that’s why she’s a mother. She doesn’t need to see the reminder of her prison sentence. She just had to look at her wedding ring to remind herself why her life sucks.

Anything to do with cleaning: she doesn’t want a new mop, vacuum cleaner, or toilet brush.

Excerise/workout/gym memberships – have you no brain at all?  Why would you think this is good idea? Did you think of this when you were eating your cheeseburger and drinking a beer?

Clothes….also avoid…Anything her mom or your mom would wear and thus remind her that she is old or a mom.

A booklet of stupid coupons. You are a grown man, leave that shit to your kids.

Anything that reminds her of her past life.  Her carefree, fun single life where she just thought about the next book she was going to read…what bar she was going to visit at Happy Hour….the next guy she was going to flirt with…

Sexy Lingerie –  She’s now a mom, not a carefree single woman or a just married vixen. She’s now serving a prison sentence being married to your dumbass and raising your bratty kids.

Any kind of gift that is really disguised as a gift for her but is really a gift for yourself.  That subscription to Boat Monthly doesn’t interest your wife.

I can hear you saying “What about x”. “But there is always an exception to the rule”??Did you just hear why you said? Yes, I know there is an exception to the rule, that’s why it is called an exception. Do you think you are exceptional enough to pull off a good Mother’s Day gift?

Trust me….No, you aren’t. You are just an average joe schmuck thinking you know best. Thinking that way is a sure way to get yourself dead.  You shop in bulk at Costco and get excited when you get a good deal at the gas pump.

A weight scale – by far…this is the worst idea a sane man could buy for the mother of his children. What the hell are you thinking? Unless she is a instagram fitness model, don’t even think of buying a weight scale.

An ironing board – we all know those clothes aren’t going to iron themselves and neither is your wife. Just resign yourself to the fact she is going to take her blouse to the local dry cleaners and get charged $7.99 per blouse. Sorry, you won’t be saving any money with this lame gift idea.

Did I mention Sexy lingerie – seriously? That ship has sailed and sank to the bottom of the sea. You are lucky she even allows you to touch her, much less let you see her in anything other than her flannel pajamas.

Tracksuit – what the heck? Does she look like a Russian monster’s wife? When is a tracksuit sexy? Maybe on that 25 year old instragram model you aren’t married to.

Remember when I asked you before: Do you think you are exceptional enough to pull off a good Mother’s Day gift?  You aren’t… but hey, let’s continue down your path of dillusion.

A new pet – oh, another responsibility? Wow, how kind of you and the kids.  Another mouth to feed, clean up after, and take to the vet (doctor).

You know what your wife wants for Mother’s Day? She wants a weekend away with her girlfriends. And when she gets back from that weekend, she wants the house clean, the dishes done, and the laundry folded. Oh, and she wants your undying love and devotion. Is that too much to ask?

Have a great Mother’s Day!! Good luck all you Moms out there!! 

Thanks for reading and commenting….

It’s a beautiful day for Track Practice!

Ah, today is the first day of my daughter’s middle school track practice.  Of course, we live in Seattle and it is raining. Oh boy, nothing like being wet and miserable for track practice.

Our family isn’t much for running. My brother completed at the high school date level but he is the only runner in the family.  I’m always surprised when my kids went out and joined the track team. It’s a no cut sport so they make the team no matter what.

My daughter has stated she doesn’t like to run, however, she is joining the track team as a show of support for her friend. Kudos to her!

The other nice thing she said: we don’t have to go to any of the track meets! Yes!!!!  It is truly an awesome thing to tell your lazy father (little old me) that he isn’t required to go to any track meets. Yippee!

Don’t get me wrong; I enjoy a watching my kids compete in their various sports….as long as it is sunny outside and I’m comfortable.  And I don’t mind being in a pleasant indoor, heated arena.  You know, sports like volleyball, swimming, basketball.

With my daughter saying I don’t have to attend her track meets, it really means I don’t have to be out in the rain, in the wind, or in the typical miserable spring weather we have in the Puget Sound area.  It also mean I avoid sitting on an uncomfortable outdoor metal bench and watch my daughter run in the forementioned miserable weather.  Instead, I can sit on my big butt on the couch and watch afternoon talk shows and order a pizza via my smartphone.  Heck, I might even have a hot cocoa and flip on my gas fireplace while I stare out my living room, watching the rain pour or drizzle down.


Thanks again daughter for giving me a get out of track jail free card!  I will truly enjoy staying home and not watching you not run.

Hey…it’s Friday…everything will be ok, right?

It’s Spring Break here in our house and my daughter has spent the past week in Washington D.C. with her school group. She’s an 8th grader and has really enjoyed the trip.  The tour is organized by one of the teachers that seems to love to take a group of 8th graders every year back to D. C. and do a whirlwind tour.

Only two kids have been lost.  Both of them were boys and both of them had their mothers as their mini-tour group leader.  It looks like those helicopter moms left someone behind.  That goodness they don’t work in the military.   I can’t wait to hear the whole story and then to hear their (Mom’s) version of the incident.  Of course, after I heard the stories from my daughter, I really wanted to text the moms about what happen…but I didn’t. I didn’t even post a question on Facebook about how they managed to lose their own kid.  They shall remain nameless.

Have a great weekend.  Don’t eat too many French fries!

Tired of having a home? The Guide to living the Homeless Lifestyle (the Correct Way)!

I sometimes worry myself about how I can even figure this stuff out…..

Ok, maybe you just can’t handle the whole “owing a house or renting an apartment” thing.  Maybe you are more suited to living in your car or in a shipping crate by the railroad tracks.  Perhaps that is more of your housing style, however, what will you do about showers, laundry, and sleeping arrangements?

Not to worry dear readers, my worthless advice about “How to Be Homeless” will give you all the awesome advice (or perhaps worthless advice) you need to be successful as a homeless person.

In addition, my tips will allow you to save money and become a success in your personal and professional life.  Remember, homeless doesn’t mean you are jobless!  And homeless doesn’t mean not having a vehicle either!  It only means you don’t have a home!

Shall we begin?

  1. Be Clean: Join a 24/7 Fitness Gym with shower facilities that has many locations.  A hot shower, free soap and shampoo, free towels, and a shave?  And you exercise too?  Sign me up!
  2. Dump Your Garbage.  Learn where all the public parks are located at.  Free garbage service and access to some interesting bathroom options.
  3. Learn where all the Starbucks ae located (Just kidding…there is one on every corner).
  4. Hide right under their Noses: Find Fire Stations or Police Stations to park at.  You can certain park your car in the visitor parking lot for a few hours or overnight.  Who is going to check?
  5. Hang out in Plain Sight.  Park your Honda right at the Honda dealership or  Honda Mechanic’s Garage parking lot.  One more care isn’t going to be noticed.  Or if you have a white van, put a made up delivery company logo on your van…your van is now a delivery van.  Park it in the back of a UPS store.  You now look like you below there.
  6. Enjoy Food: Not having a home means your food budget is now huge!  You can eat out all the time or you can eat healthy salads you make in the backseat.  Yum!
  7. Visit relatives/friends during the holidays.  Bless them with your presence for two or three nights.
  8. Find locations off the beaten path that offer free power. Invest in a long extension cord from that rest stop bathroom to your car.
  9. Find 24 hour Laundromats.  Do laundry, drink beer, and watch TV.  Everyone wins here!
  10. Find 24 hour Businesses.  You can park in their parking lot and they will never know.  People are always coming and going and your car will look like an employee’s car.
  11. Get a Post Office Box for your mail.  But ideally, pay everything online.  Have auto deposit and auto pay systems set up.

Enjoy these eleven awesome “How to be Homeless Tips!”  Remember, you don’t have to let society dictate to you on how to live your life!  You can still have a nice car or van, be a clean person, have a good job, and be a productive member of society by using my proven system!

Happy Homelessness!

Do you have some awesome advice?  Well, keep it to yourself.  We want only worthless and sarcastic comments below.  Hmm, maybe you can add a few tips…go ahead…comment below and hit the “Like” button too.

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When texting is a Good Thing!

What is the Best Time to do Yard work? Never….

With Spring officially here, it’s time to tidy up the yard after winter.  So for the past several weeks, I’ve cut down a cherry tree, trim back my huge rhododendrons, and hacked back my bamboo hedge.  Needless to say, I’ve filled my green waster bin, my neighbor’s green waste bin, and about four extra garbage cans full of yard debris.

We still need to do a few more yard tasks. In the next few weeks, we need to clean out the pool, mow my lawn (I’ll ask my son Hayden to do that and it will take probably three weeks of nagging for him to do it), and do some weeding.

As I’m out in my yard working…you can enjoy a mint and my misery.

Mint

 

National Hot Tub Day – March 28 – Worthless Tips to Make It Awesome!

sa-1807454_1920.jpgAh, March 28 is National Hot Tub Day according to some random website I stumbled upon when I was bored one evening (who says this internet isn’t helpful and only spreads “fake news”?).  Throw on your speedo, thong, or your bikini, play some Kenny G, and hit the hot tub because it is National Hot Tub Day!!

On a side tangent, I noticed that romance writers love hot tubs.  They write the hot tubs into their stories all the time.  Yes, I read romance novels.  In between rapid reading of my gun magazines, truck magazines, and muscle car magazines, resides my collection of romance novels.  Since I am a caring and sensitive guy (just ask my imaginary stalker Cyndi), you know that I am a great fan of romance novels.

But let’s get back to the focus of National Hot Tub Day and that is Hot Tubs.  Hot tubs are a wonderful way to soak away your problems and worries.  It’s like a vacation at your own home.  I like to make sure my hot tub is properly maintained.  Lucky for me, I don’t have sensitive skin, just sensitive feelings.  OK, we know I don’t have any feelings but we still want to have some nice hot tub water.martini-1117932_1920.jpg

Lately, we have had some cold and rainy weather.  After all, it is Seattle and we don’t get sunshine until July.  I’ve been feeling cold lately, so I love to enjoy the hot tub when it is chilly out.  My muscles and joint loosen up and I can just sit there and float.  For roughly 15 minutes, I can just relax.  I can pretend I’m at a ski resort or on the beach on the island of Kauai.

Tips for Successful Hot Tub Party Day:

  • What if you don’t have a hot tub? Find a friend or a neighbor that has one.  Then invite yourself over on National Hot Tub Day.  You owe it to them to honor this day!

  • Avoid Alcohol – Wait, what? Yes, we all know I enjoy a nice whiskey but alcohol and hot tubs aren’t a good mix.  Hot Tub water dilutes your cocktail too much.  The warm water in your hot tub can speed up the process of inebriation, and can increase your chances of a hangover

  • Avoid Falling Asleep in the Hot Tub – you should focusing on the soaking and relaxing of the hot water.  Enjoy this moment, save sleeping for your bed.

  • Have Music – What to play?  Some Depeche Mode? Some Kenny G? Some Lady Gaga remix?  The theme from the movie “Jaws”?  It’s up to you, but don’t keep that stereo or iPhone too close to the hot tub.  You don’t want your imaginary friends to knock it in.

  • Have Extra Towels Available – you know some goofball will forget his towel and then wander around your house looking for one.  That’s a good way to ruin your hardwood floors.  Have a stack of old towels ready for him.

  • Clean! – Keep the area around your hot tub clean.  Vacuum up all the lose dirt, dog hair, old fern leaves, and candy wrappers.  You don’t want to drag all that stuff into your hot tub.

  • Take A Shower – Encourage your guest to shower BEFORE they come over to hot tub.  The less body oils, old sweat, stripper dust, and daily dirt you have coming into the hot tub, the better!  It cuts down on chemical use.

  • Check the Chemical Levels – You should be doing daily or weekly check of the chemicals.  Use those water test strips.

Those are my awesome (or rather worthless) hot tub tips for National Hot Tub Day!  I know you won’t bother to play attention to them but at least pretend you read the whole blog post and give it a big “LIKE”.  Can you do that?  Thanks!

 

 

Best Spring Cleaning Tips for the Slacker (that means You!)

Spring is here!  Besides the insane amount of rain we have received in the last three weeks, spring is here and we are all happy!  Pretty flowers and the smell of cleaning products are in the air.  With the arrival of Spring, one should focus on the “cleaning” part of “Spring Cleaning”.

But what should you do to jump start your Spring Cleaning adventures? Oh, and you know it will be an adventure with all the worthless crap you have stuffed into your hall closet.  Like a trip down memory lane (and a STD), all the forgotten items will appear once again!  Your old caveman costume, your President Trump facemask, your skateboard from junior high, and your goals and dreams that you have forgotten; they can all be found in various storage bins under your stairs.

The best advice is to…wait, we never follow the best advice…we follow the worthless advice!

  1. Before you begin cleaning, it is a great idea to learn all about cleaning!  So surf the internet and watch as many cleaning videos you can find.  With a quick search of YouTube, I’m sure you’ll waste away hours (if not days) of time that you could have devoted to cleaning!

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    Learn all you can about cleaning on the internet becaus

  2. To Save Money, borrow cleaning items from your neighbor.  This saves you a trip to the store and saves you money.  You can use almost all of their Pine Sol cleaner.  Remember to leave a little in the bottle when you return it.  Don’t be selfish.
  3. Get the family involved with “Prison Cleaning Crew” game!  This game involves telling your kids they have been found guilty in a court of law and now must do community service.  Sure, your kids are “probably” innocent of their crimes, but this shows them that if they could have afforded a better lawyer, they could have gotten off scot-free.
  4. Declutter – Throw it all out…bills, love letters from Beth, and credit card offers are all going to the recycling bin.  She broke your heart once, you don’t need those love letters causing you to rethink your new relationship with your cat Mindi.  Mindi is prefect for you, she loves you.  Did Beth really love you?  No, she didn’t.  If she did, she would have stayed instead of running off with that rich Columbian drug lord.
  5. Skip the Broom…use your Leaf Blower instead.  Sweeping out the kitchen takes too long, just grab that leaf blower, open the patio door, and let the dust, cat hair, and winter depression get blown right outside.
  6. Nuke your sponges!  If you like to think your sponges are clean; they aren’t.  Nuke them in the microwave for two minutes.  If they still misbehave, throw them in the clothes dryer for 15  minutes.  I can’t promise the microwave won’t report back to the government what you are doing but I’m pretty sure the clothes dryer is part of the resistance.  You can talk to the dryer, trust the dryer, the dryer is your friend.
  7. Windows – just close your blinds or drapes.  See? You don’t see how dirty they are, do you?
  8. Lightbulbs – replace those bright lightbulbs with low-watt ones.  The darker the room, the less you notice the clutter and grime.
  9. Sell and/or give all your worthless crap on Craig’s List.  Remember, Craig’s List isn’t for meeting serial killers and your next “date”, it can also be use for free trash removal.  You slap a “FREE” sign on any Craig’s List post and it will be gone that day.  If the item is heavy, say you have a bad back and the new owners will carry it out themselves.

There is even a National Spring Cleaning week from March 12-17…oh wait, that already happened and technically spring doesn’t officially start until March 20…but you are still too late.  Just wait until next year to do your spring cleaning!  Just like you gave up on your hopes and desires years ago, you should give up on Spring Cleaning now.

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Let’s Kill the Leprechaun – Tips for a Successful St. Patrick’s Day!

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Yippee!  It is St. Patrick’s Day, the day second only to Halloween for a day where you can get drunk, dress in a bad costume, and act like a fool!  Well, to be clear….I usually make a fool out of myself on Valentine’s Day and National Hot Tub Day (why isn’t National Hot Tub Day a Federal Holiday yet?).  However, back to the point of this worthless advice blog…St. Patrick’s Day.  In the good old United States of America, we all become Irish on St. Patrick’s Day (March 17).

Lucky for you, I’m part Irish so I can offer my three blog readers and my imaginary stalker Cyndi (who wears sunglasses on the darkest, winter, overcast days) great advice on St. Patrick’s Day.

Tips to be the Best Fake Irish Person You Can Be:

  • Randomly yell “Kill the Leprechaun” when you are out at the bar, drinking with your non-Irish friends.  Wear a green wig…everyone likes people that wear wigs.
  • You can also yell “Kill the Leprechaun” at your child’s school.  Make sure you have singled out that redhead music teacher (no one likes her anyway).
  • Get a Redhead Spouse….just make sure she isn’t the music teacher you just made fun of.
  • Make EVERYTHING green…green…green!…make green pancakes…….make green beer…make green cats….

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  • On St. Patrick’s Day, You should always talk in a stupid “Irish” accent….or a “Scottish” one or an “English” one….no one in America can really can tell the difference anyway.  Just say “Top of the Morning!” to everyone.
  • Wear cheap plastic shamrock necklaces.  Everyone likes it when the “Made In China” necklace breaks, and those stupid beads and shamrocks are all over the floor, making you slip and fall.
  • Wear your green throng underwear (I’m talking to you gentleman readers.  Ladies, you can wear whatever you like).  Heck, ladies you can even enter a St. Patrick’s Day bikini contest!  Nothing puts the “Saint” back into St. Patrick’s Day like a visit to a bar in a bikini!  Click on this link for a Bikini bar video!
  • Drink Irish whiskey…or wine…green beer…or whatever…it doesn’t matter…just be that annoying douche bag who drinks too much.  Kind of like how you are every other day of the year, annoying…and drunk…but really just annoying.
  • Oh, don’t forget to wear something green….like the lettuce you have stuck in your teeth.  Nothing like getting your vegetables and sadness all in one day.

But you know something that rocks on St. Patrick’s Day?  This Lego video!

And if you just need to mellow out…enjoy this video!

You wasted your St. Patrick’s Day reading this blog, but at least you helped me get my readership numbers up.  And be happy that I didn’t make this post into a history lesson.  Leave me a comment or a link to a funny cat video.  Please, and write in an Irish accent…

One more video…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Manhattan – My kryptonite….

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Just to be clear, Manhattan, the cocktail drink is my kryptonite.  Not Manhattan, one of the five boroughs of New York City.  Sure, Manhattan and New York City are fabulous.  However, this post is about the drink.

Let’s be frank…I enjoy whiskey and scotch.  So a Manhattan has whisky in it so of course, you know I’ll enjoy it.

Cocktail drinks bring up certain emotions and memories.  One of my favorite memories of the Manhattan cocktail drink is having one with my cousin Stephen in Manhattan.  Stephen is more of a little brother than a cousin.  So whenever I enjoy a Manhattan drink, I think of him.  Manhattan is my signature cocktail drink with him.  A memory to savor, enjoy, and fall back into the depths of my fond memories of New York City.

The Manhattan cocktail isn’t my downfall, however, it does bring me to a sentimental place.  The place where happiness and good memories intersect into a valt of feelings.

Feelings Meme

Another cocktail drink I enjoy….Vodka Lemonade.  A sip of a nicely blended Vodka Lemonade brings me back  to the numerous summers on the shores of Lake Entiat at Lincoln Rock State Park with my family.  You can also add Maui to the memories of Vodka Lemonade.

Since I lived in and visit Hawaii often, I always like a Mai Tai cocktail.  I don’t like to drink too many sugary drinks, but a Mai Tai does hit the spot.

What drinks instantly bring you back to a fond memory?  Or perhaps a band memory?

And as always: Drink responsibly.

 

 

 

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