Kevin Hellriegel's Blog of Worthless Advice

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Category Archives: Christmas

Holidays…are they over yet?

Hopefully, your various winter holidays turned out the way you wanted.  Some of you are chasing the childhood dream of the perfect holiday…to recreate that feeling you had in your youth; waking up celebrating and opening gifts.  Perhaps your parents were awesome, the presents wonderful, the food mouthwatering, which resulted in your family making every holiday an amazing one.  Then again, while you may remember your holiday as a fantastic voyage of deightful winter images, others are trying to build a magical time to wipe away the nightmares of holidays past.  The bad food, the disappointed underwear gift from your grandma, and the ruined dried out turkey for dinner.

Whatever, you maybe feeling during this time of year, I hope you survived it.  Personally, anything that happens after Thanksgiving (American style) is a blur for me. It seems as if we rush through the days of December, we haphazardly trip over Hanukkah, Christmas, and Kwanzaa in our final push for the New Year’s Eve Day Party (which is really the only holiday party we honestly all enjoy).  Sorry, did I miss any holiday in my politically correct post?
But we don’t enjoy the coming of the New Year, do we? We think about our past year and what we wanted to do. We think of the hours we wasted on frilivous smartphone games, bad movies, and worthless advice blogs we read.  Do you have regrets? Possibly you do.  Does that make you dread the new year?

But wait, we have a New Year and a new set of goals in a few days!  And this will be the year we accomplish all the things we failed to do over this past year.  Or at least we tell yourselves we will.
So get get out there and prepare for the new year! The holidays are over, enjoy the coming of 2016!

Shopping Malls & Christmas Newsletters

Happy Holidays!

Christmas is around the corner and I really hope you got all of your holiday shopping done. I drove by one of our shopping malls this past Sunday and that looked crazy. Insanely crazy. I hate shopping malls all the time but to have to venture into one during the holidays is worse. I looked at that shopping mall parking lot and thought what fresh hell that must be. Thank goodness I do all of my shopping online.

To be honest, my wife does all of the holiday shopping. I just pay for it and sign the card. She is awesome for that stuff and I really appreciate her.

We are also attempting to send out Christmas cards this year. We haven’t done it for the past few years because I’m lazy. I use to write a snarky Christmas newsletter as well. I use to be really good at it. The key phrase here is “use to be”. Let’s face it; my blog doesn’t get enough attention from me so a Christmas Newsletter isn’t high on my list of things to do.

Let’s be clear, I don’t hate Christmas Newsletters. Actually, I love them. I love to get Christmas Newsletters because it allows me to read about all the fun stuff going on (without having to read all of the Facebook posts). The newsletter is nice tidy summary of the good events that have happened over the past year. No one writes about the bad stuff like how you got rear ended by the guy checking his text messages. And they avoid all of the photos of food and drinks people post. So please, send me your holiday newsletter…I love them.

The Holidays are here…Are You Ready?

I have to admit, I don’t feel stressed out about the holiday season…yet. We have all the parties scheduled on the family calendar and my wife has figured out the gifts for the kids. I was even proactive and purchased my wife’s Christmas gift for her this past week (a week ahead of schedule). I have pretty much given up on guessing what she wanted about ten years ago. I ask her to create a list for me so I can avoid feeling like an idiot on Christmas morning. Honey, you don’t like the gun rack I got for you? Camo ain’t your favorite color for a nightgown?

Some wives would say “You should know me by now and know exactly what I want”. Really? Isn’t that a recipe for disaster? Would you trust your husband?  This is the same guy who burns water and can’t cook a hot dog correctly.  I know who I am: I’m a moron when it comes to gifts and presents. My wife is way too smart to leave her present up to chance. She knows I am clueless when it comes to gifts. Sure, you can buy your wife a new car, a diamond necklace, or maybe even plan a trip to Kauai and you would be safe. But can a husband really think what his wife wants? No, he can’t. Those gifts are fool proof. Who wouldn’t want those things?

Yes, I’m safe and sane when it comes to the gift department. Why try to disappoint my wife? She doesn’t deserve to be disappointed (seriously, being married to me is already a disappointment). Let her enjoy Christmas morning with a gift she really wants. The wish list makes life so much easier and safer. Of course, I must admit those fuzzy Hello Kitty bathroom slippers would look pretty good on her feet….

Enjoy your day!

Kevin Hellriegel

Merry Christmas!

Ten Great Reasons why I hate Frosty the Snowman

This is actually the first time I have re-posted one of my blog entries.  However, it was requested by one of my three followers so I thought to myself (as I talked to my cat out loud): Why not post it again?

 

Ten Great Reasons why I hate Frosty the Snowman!

It is the Christmas season and the wonderful time of holiday TV specials has begun.  I like most of the Christmas TV specials like Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer, Santa Claus is Coming to Town, the Grinch who stole Christmas, etc.  However, the one Christmas Special I can’t stand is “Frosty the Snowman”.

  1. Really what is Frosty the Snowman?  He is a bad LSD trip of some whacked out meth head.  The only redeeming quality of Frosty the Snowman is Andy Griffith is the narrator of the cartoon.  The rest of it I hate.
  1. Frosty always says “Happy Birthday”.  Really?  What is he a homeless bum who thinks every day is his birthday?  Is he too drunk to remember it isn’t everyone’s birthday?  Does he need a reason to drink?  “Oh, it’s someone’s birthday!  Let’s go out to Appplebee’s and get wasted!”  That one saying drives me nuts.  “Happy Birthday?”  It’s winter and almost Christmas, I’m not thinking of your birthday, I’m thinking about Christmas presents, Christmas cookies, and egg nog.
  1. He is a cry baby whiner.  There is a scene where he is all sad that the kids are leaving to go back home.  Oh, poor homeless snowman.  Jeez, stop your whining.  Man up, build a snow house and make a snow dog to keep you company.
  1. He sleds by just getting on his belly and sliding down a hill.  Seriously, we all know that Frosty would be jumping on his belly, knocking the wind of his snowman lungs, and cursing up a storm for being so stupid.  He would be doing a belly flop into three inches of snow.  Don’t you think that would hurt?  Darn right it would.
  1. And really, Frosty wouldn’t be sliding down the hill.  Instead, a big pile of snow would build up right in front of Frosty and he would stop in three feet.  Frosty isn’t going anyway fast.
  1. Frosty is just a homeless bum.  After the kids go home to their families or single mothers.  He just wanders around after dark without a purpose…just like the guy who lives under the overpass.
  1. And do I darn mention the sequel “Frosty Returns”.  Do we really need more of Frosty’s inane drunk babblings of “Happy Birthday”?
  1. Frosty promotes smoking.  In this day and age of Political Correctness, why hasn’t someone digitally erased his corncob pipe?  Seriously, if they can change E.T., then they can change Frosty.  It’s a cartoon!  It can’t be that hard.
  1. Frosty likes little kids….too much.  He hangs around kids all day long in a nice pedophile way.  Creepy just like Michael Jackson and his “Jesus Juice”.  Next thing we know Frosty will want to invite the boys and girls over for a nice sleepover in his snow bed.  Just plain creepy.
  1. And in the song, doesn’t Frosty die?  Sure, he melts away and in a Star Trek world he comes back.  But in the lame TV holiday special he makes it to the North Pole with Santa and lives on?  This is all after he puts Karen into life threatening situations (like the refrigerator train car).  Karen takes a long trip ride in a freezing cold refrigerator car were most people would be a Popsicle at the end of the trip.  Hell, why can’t Karen be a normal kid that just sticks Frosty on the train, sends him on his merry way, and forgets about him in 10 minutes?

Frosty the Snowman sucks.  This is one holiday special I wish was lost forever in the depths of CBS television studios.

 

Opening Up those Family Lines of Communication

My wife asked me the other day, what do I do all day long.  I wanted to tell her the truth that I usually do nothing but watch TV and read blogs, but that isn’t entirely true.  I usually try to think up of ways to amuse other people with my witty commentary and open the lines of communication between family members.  For an example, the other night, we had a post Christmas celebration with some family friends.  Their children are now 22 and 24 and are both males.  One has a serious live in girlfriend and the other one is in his final year of college.

After a fun evening, they were on their way out the door and I saw the After Christmas Sales Ad for Toys R Us.  I asked the older one (with the serious girlfriend) if he wanted to look through it for some good toys.  However, this was a joint ad flyer with Babies R Us as well as the Toys R Us section.  I told him he should take the flyer home, circle a few of the car seats and baby strollers and then leave it out where his mom could find it.  He would depart to his home two and a half hours away.  She would freak out, frantically call and text him numerous times (which he could ignore and chuckle to himself) as he drove home.

See?  Doesn’t that help to open up the lines of communication in the family?

Like I said, I’m a communications expert in family relationships.

The School Holiday Sing Along (or better known as punch to my head would be better than this crap) Holiday Assembly

I hate singing and I hate Sing-A-Long Caroling style assemblies.  I know that my singing sucks and should be left to people who are either professionals or are really good at it.  I purposely left out the people that enjoy singing because someone might enjoy singing but that means they are most likely just as bad as me.  Just picture Johnny Cash performing at Foslom State Prison.

Every year at our children’s school the last day of school has a “Sing Along” before the Christmas break.  They start an hour before school is dismissed and it is an hour of the worst children’s singing around.  This isn’t a pleasant experience in which you would be listening to the voices of the angels singing your favorite holiday tunes in perfect key.  No, this is every off-key student, teacher, and parent singing to every holiday song the music teacher dragged out five minutes before the concert started.  We have a majority of Christmas songs, a few Jewish songs, and a Kwanzaa song.  Most of the kids don’t know what a Kwanzaa is and they only know Hanukkah because of Adam Sandler’s Hanukkah Song on Saturday Night Live!

The worst part is listening to them scream the lyrics of the songs instead of singing them.  I might as well be at the zoo listening to the monkeys scream.  At least monkeys shut up from time to time so they can throw their poop and eat.

After about seven years of going to these caroling Concerts, I came in for the last song but managed to trick my daughter into believing I was there the whole time.  She tried to call me out by saying I came in late.  I quickly rattled off some Christmas songs we had “sung” and she was convinced that I was there the whole time.  This year was no different.  She didn’t notice I was in the back 30 minutes after the concert (I use that term loosely) started.  My wife on the other hand was like a rookie at the first day of summer camp and comes in the front left door right where everyone can see her.  She is a little hard to miss with her red hair.  Again, she’s a rookie but you never come in the front door where everyone is looking.  You have to look for the back door.  If it is locked, you gently knock on it and some kind parent will let you in.  You sneak in and no one is the wiser.

After I suffered through the rest of the Sign & Torture Along Songfest, my daughter never did asked me if I was there the whole time.  In her mind, I was there the whole time.  That is the difference between being a “good” parent and a “great” parent.  If your child thinks you were there the whole time, you were there the whole time and therefore you are a good parent.  On the other hand, my wife is the parent who comes in late and is lumped in with the other parents that didn’t show up at all.  This fact clearly demonstrates that those parents really don’t love or care for their children because they chose to stay at work and provide for their families a warm home and a hearty meal.

If you want to know more about Kwanzaa or Hanukkah, feel free to read below:

Kwanzaa: A seven day celebration (actually pretty cool life lessons – see below)

Click on this link to visit the History Channel’s page about Hanukkah http://www.history.com/topics/hanukkah

As always your comments are welcome and enjoy the holidays!Image

Worthless Gifts for Your Friends: Making the Most Out of Christmas

Christmas is around the corner and I haven’t been good to you.  I haven’t helped you in the least bit in your holiday shopping.  What kind of planner am I?  Everyone and their drunk uncle seems to have a creative Christmas List of “Must Have Items”.  But does that really help you?  Doesn’t it just make you a slave to the latest trends?  It makes you lazy and slow.  My list is much more helpful and productive.

Worthless Gifts for Your Friends:

Napkins from Fast Food Restaurants.

Let’s face it.  Most of your friends are slobs and need napkins.  If they have children the need for a napkin is even greater.  Those little beasts always have messy hands or snot running down their noses.

Mini packets of ketchup, mustard, and that pink sweetner stuff for ice tea.

Do you know how annoying it is to carry around a ketchup bottle?  Well, it is really annoying.  So giving your friends portable, serving size ketchup packets are a perfect gift.

A Cat

They don’t do much but eat, poop, and meow a lot.  My cat is available if you need one.

Beer Coasters

I use to collect these things because I love the designs and artwork on them.  That means since I like them, every other beer drinking man should also like them.  If they don’t, they are slobs and you should dump them.

Cookbooks

They look good on the window sill for the babes.  Of course, after your guests taste the crap you call a gourmet dinner they know the cookbook was for looks.

Video Tapes

This shows you are “Old School” and they are really a cool size for building forts with your nephews while Grandpa snores away.

Traffic Signs (Stop signs, yield signs, etc.)

I prefer the “No Parking” signs right in front of my house.  Keeps the rift raft (like your relatives) away from my nicely decorated house.

Refrigerator

Who doesn’t want an extra fridge for the garage?  I love my friends so much I am willing to depart with my my two extra ones sitting in my garage this very minute!  I have a wine one and a nice black side by side model.

Death of the Christmas Newsletter: Don’t leave me hanging…..

Christmas is a few days away and I have yet to see the Christmas newsletters I love so dearly.  Now, the Christmas letter has been given a bad rap over the past few years.  People have complained that they only tell the “good things” that happen in their lives or are merely fabrications of an overly drunk mother clinging to the false belief that her children aren’t losers and her husband still loves her.

I don’t believe that.  Christmas newsletters should be revered for the author’s ability to make the mundane and average dribbling of a mad person into a work of unrealistic family perfection.

Call me slightly crazy but I actually enjoy the Christmas newsletters for a number of purely holiday cheer reasons.

They allow me the chance to catch up on everyone’s yearly activities.  Look, I don’t have time to stalk everyone I know on Facebook and the Christmas newsletter fills in the blanks.  Besides, a lot of people don’t update their FB statuses like they should.  Yes, I do want to hear that little Billy has taken his first poo-poo in the big boy potty, that Jacob is in the 10th grade, D’Shawn scored the winning touchdown at homecoming, your 13 cats are alive and well, your daughter Uneek is a musical genius, your daughter Alison got her black belt, your Mom is now living with you, you ran over your neighbor’s hamster, and your wife thinks your totally awesome (but you haven’t been married for the past six years).

My life is boring and I need your Christmas letters to keep me from killing myself before Christmas rolls around.  I need something to do besides watch old reruns of the Dukes of Hazzard and reality shows like The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.  I would like some uplifting Christmas newsletters to read while I drink my hot butter rum and eat my neighbor’s awesome Christmas cookies.

Heck, I know you are a liar.  I understand you don’t want to share that your kid isn’t perfect, your father didn’t love you as a child and now you have “daddy issues”, your children hate you, you are working too much, your job sucks, you are lucky/unlucky to have the job you hate, your only joy in life is to read my blog at https://khellriegel.wordpress.com, you lost everything in the some ponzi scheme, and you hate pancakes with strawberries.

I want to still believe in Christmas and read your Christmas newsletter.  So please take the time to write out your Christmas fairy tale and send it my way.  I really need the help to make it through the holidays!

https://khellriegel.wordpress.com

Ten Great Reasons why I hate Frosty the Snowman

Ten Great Reasons why I hate Frosty the Snowman!

It is the Christmas season and the wonderful time of holiday TV specials has begun.  I like most of the Christmas TV specials like Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer, Santa Claus is Coming to Town, the Grinch who stole Christmas, etc.  However, the one Christmas Special I can’t stand is Frosty the Snowman.

  1. Really what is Frosty the Snowman?  He is a bad LSD trip of some whacked out meth head.  The only redeeming quality of Frosty the Snowman is Andy Griffith is the narrator of the cartoon.  The rest of it I hate.
  1. Frosty always says “Happy Birthday”.  Really?  What is he a homeless bum who thinks every day is his birthday?  Is he too drunk to remember it isn’t everyone’s birthday?  Does he need a reason to drink?  “Oh, it’s someone’s birthday!  Let’s go out to Appplebee’s and get wasted!”  That one saying drives me nuts.  “Happy Birthday?”  It’s winter and almost Christmas, I’m not thinking of your birthday, I’m thinking about Christmas presents, Christmas cookies, and egg nog.
  1. He is a cry baby whiner.  There is a scene where he is all sad that the kids are leaving to go back home.  Oh, poor homeless snowman.  Jeez, stop your whining.  Man up, build a snow house and make a snow dog to keep you company.
  1. He sleds by just getting on his belly and sliding down a hill.  Seriously, we all know that Frosty would be jumping on his belly, knocking the wind of his snowman lungs, and cursing up a storm for being so stupid.  He would be doing a belly flop into three inches of snow.  Don’t you think that would hurt?  Darn right it would.
  1. And really, Frosty wouldn’t be sliding down the hill.  Instead, a big pile of snow would build up right in front of Frosty and he would stop in three feet.  Frosty isn’t going anyway fast.
  1. Frosty is just a homeless bum.  After the kids go home to their families or single mothers.  He just wanders around after dark without a purpose…just like the guy who lives under the overpass.
  1. And do I darn mention the sequel “Frosty Returns”.  Do we really need more of Frosty’s inane drunk babblings of “Happy Birthday”?
  1. Frosty promotes smoking.  In this day and age of Political Correctness, why hasn’t someone digitally erased his corncob pipe?  Seriously, if they can change E.T., then they can change Frosty.  It’s a cartoon!  It can’t be that hard.
  1. Frosty likes little kids….too much.  He hangs around kids all day long in a nice pedophile way.  Creepy just like Michael Jackson and his “Jesus Juice”.  Next thing we know Frosty will want to invite the boys and girls over for a nice sleepover in his snow bed.  Just plain creepy.
  1. And in the song, doesn’t Frosty die?  Sure, he melts away and in a Star Trek world he comes back.  But in the lame TV holiday special he makes it to the North Pole with Santa and lives on?  This is all after he puts Karen into life threatening situations (like the refrigerator train car).  Karen takes a long trip ride in a freezing cold refrigerator car were most people would be a Popsicle at the end of the trip.  Hell, why can’t Karen be a normal kid that just sticks Frosty on the train, sends him on his merry way, and forgets about him in 10 minutes?

Frosty the Snowman sucks.  This is one holiday special I wish was lost forever in the depths of CBS television studios.

 

 

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