Kevin Hellriegel's Blog of Worthless Advice

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Category Archives: vacation

Tired of having a home? The Guide to living the Homeless Lifestyle (the Correct Way)!

I sometimes worry myself about how I can even figure this stuff out…..

Ok, maybe you just can’t handle the whole “owing a house or renting an apartment” thing.  Maybe you are more suited to living in your car or in a shipping crate by the railroad tracks.  Perhaps that is more of your housing style, however, what will you do about showers, laundry, and sleeping arrangements?

Not to worry dear readers, my worthless advice about “How to Be Homeless” will give you all the awesome advice (or perhaps worthless advice) you need to be successful as a homeless person.

In addition, my tips will allow you to save money and become a success in your personal and professional life.  Remember, homeless doesn’t mean you are jobless!  And homeless doesn’t mean not having a vehicle either!  It only means you don’t have a home!

Shall we begin?

  1. Be Clean: Join a 24/7 Fitness Gym with shower facilities that has many locations.  A hot shower, free soap and shampoo, free towels, and a shave?  And you exercise too?  Sign me up!
  2. Dump Your Garbage.  Learn where all the public parks are located at.  Free garbage service and access to some interesting bathroom options.
  3. Learn where all the Starbucks ae located (Just kidding…there is one on every corner).
  4. Hide right under their Noses: Find Fire Stations or Police Stations to park at.  You can certain park your car in the visitor parking lot for a few hours or overnight.  Who is going to check?
  5. Hang out in Plain Sight.  Park your Honda right at the Honda dealership or  Honda Mechanic’s Garage parking lot.  One more care isn’t going to be noticed.  Or if you have a white van, put a made up delivery company logo on your van…your van is now a delivery van.  Park it in the back of a UPS store.  You now look like you below there.
  6. Enjoy Food: Not having a home means your food budget is now huge!  You can eat out all the time or you can eat healthy salads you make in the backseat.  Yum!
  7. Visit relatives/friends during the holidays.  Bless them with your presence for two or three nights.
  8. Find locations off the beaten path that offer free power. Invest in a long extension cord from that rest stop bathroom to your car.
  9. Find 24 hour Laundromats.  Do laundry, drink beer, and watch TV.  Everyone wins here!
  10. Find 24 hour Businesses.  You can park in their parking lot and they will never know.  People are always coming and going and your car will look like an employee’s car.
  11. Get a Post Office Box for your mail.  But ideally, pay everything online.  Have auto deposit and auto pay systems set up.

Enjoy these eleven awesome “How to be Homeless Tips!”  Remember, you don’t have to let society dictate to you on how to live your life!  You can still have a nice car or van, be a clean person, have a good job, and be a productive member of society by using my proven system!

Happy Homelessness!

Do you have some awesome advice?  Well, keep it to yourself.  We want only worthless and sarcastic comments below.  Hmm, maybe you can add a few tips…go ahead…comment below and hit the “Like” button too.

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National Hot Tub Day – March 28 – Worthless Tips to Make It Awesome!

sa-1807454_1920.jpgAh, March 28 is National Hot Tub Day according to some random website I stumbled upon when I was bored one evening (who says this internet isn’t helpful and only spreads “fake news”?).  Throw on your speedo, thong, or your bikini, play some Kenny G, and hit the hot tub because it is National Hot Tub Day!!

On a side tangent, I noticed that romance writers love hot tubs.  They write the hot tubs into their stories all the time.  Yes, I read romance novels.  In between rapid reading of my gun magazines, truck magazines, and muscle car magazines, resides my collection of romance novels.  Since I am a caring and sensitive guy (just ask my imaginary stalker Cyndi), you know that I am a great fan of romance novels.

But let’s get back to the focus of National Hot Tub Day and that is Hot Tubs.  Hot tubs are a wonderful way to soak away your problems and worries.  It’s like a vacation at your own home.  I like to make sure my hot tub is properly maintained.  Lucky for me, I don’t have sensitive skin, just sensitive feelings.  OK, we know I don’t have any feelings but we still want to have some nice hot tub water.martini-1117932_1920.jpg

Lately, we have had some cold and rainy weather.  After all, it is Seattle and we don’t get sunshine until July.  I’ve been feeling cold lately, so I love to enjoy the hot tub when it is chilly out.  My muscles and joint loosen up and I can just sit there and float.  For roughly 15 minutes, I can just relax.  I can pretend I’m at a ski resort or on the beach on the island of Kauai.

Tips for Successful Hot Tub Party Day:

  • What if you don’t have a hot tub? Find a friend or a neighbor that has one.  Then invite yourself over on National Hot Tub Day.  You owe it to them to honor this day!

  • Avoid Alcohol – Wait, what? Yes, we all know I enjoy a nice whiskey but alcohol and hot tubs aren’t a good mix.  Hot Tub water dilutes your cocktail too much.  The warm water in your hot tub can speed up the process of inebriation, and can increase your chances of a hangover

  • Avoid Falling Asleep in the Hot Tub – you should focusing on the soaking and relaxing of the hot water.  Enjoy this moment, save sleeping for your bed.

  • Have Music – What to play?  Some Depeche Mode? Some Kenny G? Some Lady Gaga remix?  The theme from the movie “Jaws”?  It’s up to you, but don’t keep that stereo or iPhone too close to the hot tub.  You don’t want your imaginary friends to knock it in.

  • Have Extra Towels Available – you know some goofball will forget his towel and then wander around your house looking for one.  That’s a good way to ruin your hardwood floors.  Have a stack of old towels ready for him.

  • Clean! – Keep the area around your hot tub clean.  Vacuum up all the lose dirt, dog hair, old fern leaves, and candy wrappers.  You don’t want to drag all that stuff into your hot tub.

  • Take A Shower – Encourage your guest to shower BEFORE they come over to hot tub.  The less body oils, old sweat, stripper dust, and daily dirt you have coming into the hot tub, the better!  It cuts down on chemical use.

  • Check the Chemical Levels – You should be doing daily or weekly check of the chemicals.  Use those water test strips.

Those are my awesome (or rather worthless) hot tub tips for National Hot Tub Day!  I know you won’t bother to play attention to them but at least pretend you read the whole blog post and give it a big “LIKE”.  Can you do that?  Thanks!

 

 

Manhattan – My kryptonite….

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Just to be clear, Manhattan, the cocktail drink is my kryptonite.  Not Manhattan, one of the five boroughs of New York City.  Sure, Manhattan and New York City are fabulous.  However, this post is about the drink.

Let’s be frank…I enjoy whiskey and scotch.  So a Manhattan has whisky in it so of course, you know I’ll enjoy it.

Cocktail drinks bring up certain emotions and memories.  One of my favorite memories of the Manhattan cocktail drink is having one with my cousin Stephen in Manhattan.  Stephen is more of a little brother than a cousin.  So whenever I enjoy a Manhattan drink, I think of him.  Manhattan is my signature cocktail drink with him.  A memory to savor, enjoy, and fall back into the depths of my fond memories of New York City.

The Manhattan cocktail isn’t my downfall, however, it does bring me to a sentimental place.  The place where happiness and good memories intersect into a valt of feelings.

Feelings Meme

Another cocktail drink I enjoy….Vodka Lemonade.  A sip of a nicely blended Vodka Lemonade brings me back  to the numerous summers on the shores of Lake Entiat at Lincoln Rock State Park with my family.  You can also add Maui to the memories of Vodka Lemonade.

Since I lived in and visit Hawaii often, I always like a Mai Tai cocktail.  I don’t like to drink too many sugary drinks, but a Mai Tai does hit the spot.

What drinks instantly bring you back to a fond memory?  Or perhaps a band memory?

And as always: Drink responsibly.

 

 

 

My Prefect Gift: My Stories

Have you be on vacation lately?  Do you feel that you have to buy souvenirs for all your friends and relatives back home?  You know, all those schmucks that didn’t come with you on your dream vacation?  And now they want a gift from you?  An expensive trinket that means nothing to them but costs you a fortune.  A trinket to prove your friendship?

No, my dear worthless advice blog readers…this is when we put down our foot and say “No more worthless gifts”.  Let me enlighten you, dear readers to a gift that keeps on giving to my friends and relatives…my stories!

How can my stories be a gift?  Upon my return from a trip, I’ve noticed my kids usually ask this question: What did you bring me?  When they were younger, I use to be able to get away with bringing them restaurant napkins or maybe some airline peanuts.  Heck, when they were younger you could bring them a hotel brochure and they would be impressed.  But now, they want more.  You know…things like a tee-shirt…a snow globe…a boxed set of Chinese throwing stars…a new Dell Alienware laptop….typical things for kids.

family-591579_1920Instead, I bring them my exciting stories of making Kona coffee in my hotel room, ordering a sandwich at a beachside deli, and how the old lady almost ran me over at the cross walk.  I let them know that my life is exciting and dangerous; yet can be boring and mundane at times.  Clearly, my listeners will learn from my engaging and entertaining stories and appreciate them more than a dull old trinket from my Maui vacation trip.

Who wants a seashell lei when they could instead feel the salt spray on their face as they listen to how I walked along Wailua Beach on Kauai at sunrise?  Their mind will hear the crashing of the waves on the beach, the Hawaiian music floating across the lobby of the hotel, the soft gentle trade wind will kiss their face, and their eyes will begin to squint when I mention the bright sun reflecting off the golden sand.  Truly, my vast stories have awoken them from their mindless slumber and taken them on a journey like no other.

1 palm-tree-2095813.jpgMy stories of coconut palm trees swaying in the wind will delight the young and old alike.  Maybe I should even talk about the annoying tourist at the bar?  You know the guy that talks way too loud and complains about being there?

Yes, dear readers, you are welcome!  (I know you want to “Thank” me for sharing my stories) in my blog.  In fact, leave a comment about this post or your favorite story below in my comments section.  And if you’d like to do a guest blog entry, send me a private message.

 

 President’s Day/Mid-Winter Break in Chelan

In the greater Puget Sound area, a fair number of the private and public schools have the President’s Day week off. No one knows for sure why we take a whole week off (considering we just had two weeks off around Christmas and New Year’s Day).   I use to hate having another week off so soon after Christmas, but I have grown to love it over the years.  The hustle and bustle of Christmas is over, which makes this week a good break for vacation trips.  Airfare prices arent too bad and it seems only our local schools do the “Mid-Winter” Break.

The past few years, we have gone to Hawaii (Kauai, Maui, and the Big Island), California.  This year, my daughter is doing club volleyball and my son is doing a college program during his senior year so a family trip wasn’t going to happen. My son still has classes this week, while my daughter doesn’t.  So no out of town, flyaway trips for us.

This year, we did manage to get away to Lake Chelan.  We traded overcast, rainy skies for snow and gray skies.  The drive over was decent; roads and highways were wet and snow free.


As you can see from the photos, the lake appeared, disappeared, and then reappeared.

Then on a drive up to look at a piece of property, the clouds rolled in and went from blue skies to thick clouds (or fog) conditions.

Uh, the road is somewhere out there.


During the winter, the towns of Chelan and Manson slow down. Some of the businesses are mostly the summer type, catering to the tourist families from the west side of the Cascade mountains and stay open during summer months only.  In the winter, the local wineries and their tasting rooms switch to the Friday-Saturday-Sunday limited hours schedule due to the slowdown in suburban mom traffic.  As an example, a few weeks back when my wife and I came to Chelan, we were the only ones at the Benson Vibeyard/Winery’s tasting room.  A nice quiet afternoon to enjoy the view and a bottle of red wine.

Overall, Chelan and Manson are both great getaway locations.  Lots of wineries, a bowling alley, a few pizza and burger joints await the hardy visitor.  Snowshoe or cross country ski in the morning, do a few wine tastings in the afternoon, head out to dinner, and cap it all off with a night of bowling.  What could be more fun?

Worthless Travel Tips – Best Worthless Advice Tips for Your Next Airline Flight!

plane-50893_1920Let’s face it, you hate people, I hate people, and we really hate sitting next to them in the airplane.  Sure, we all wish we could afford First Class but we can’t.  However, we can use certain techniques to maximize your seat space on the airplane.

  1. Bring Your Own Smelly Food – Since the airlines want to make a profit, one of the first things to go was the food service.  But this is an awesome time to bring your own food along!  And it had better be extremely good and stinky.  We all know that the stinky food is the best food!  Pickled eggs, sauerkraut, sardines, garlic bread, cat food, and maybe some strange food that would make a billy goat puke is just what you need on your next flight.
  2. Stake out the Armrest – the seats and the armrest aren’t getting any bigger on airplanes these days and you need to stake your claim to them.  As soon as you sit down, stretch out and take as much space as you can.  When your neighbors arrive, just cough a lot, and wipe your hands all over the armrest.  Ha, these armrest belong to me now.
  3. Take Those Shoes Off and Let Those Stinky Feet Breath – why should your feet be trapped in your shoes?  These flight is the beginning of your vacation.  Take those shoes off and relax.dirtyfeet
  4. Don’t Brush Your Teeth – nothing says “I don’t care about life, you, or your comfort” than skipping the brushing those pearly white teeth.  Your mouth should smell and taste like the inside of a elementary school dumpster on a hot spring afternoon.
  5. Don’t Shower – Again, you want to push people away.  With your awful breath, you can add to the sensual pleasure by not taking a shower for a few days before your flight.
  6. Dress Poorly – dress like a slob AND make sure you wear the wrong travel clothes.  Pants that are too tight – check!  Coats with not enough pockets – check! A big hat that gets in the way – check!bum
  7. Have a HUGE Carry On Bag – The heavier, the better.  Just like all the unsolved resentment you carry around in your soul, your carry on bag should be just as heavy.  Make sure that you can’t lift it over your head.  Ideally, your bag should make a professional weightlifter pop a blood vessel as he lifts it.
  8. Talk to EVERYONE…be loud and proud!  Everyone wants to hear about how you had an awful time on the taxi ride to the airport, or how Aunt Megan thinks you drink too much.  Make new friends by asking questions that are way too personal.  Remember, make them feel uncomfortable and they will scoot away from you as far as their little seatbelt will allow.

As always, I know these eight awesome travel tips will really bring you to the top of your worthless life.  What better way to make it to the lower bottom of life?

Warning: Terrible Valentine’s Day Ideas for that Special Women in your Life

Since you are reading this blog post, I’m assuming you have that special woman in your life.  It might be a girlfriend or a wife (hopefully, not your mother…ew) and you are desperate for a great Valentine’s Day gift, so you decided to visit my blog.  How easily you have been fooled into thinking that was a good idea.  You poor misguided soul….valentines-day-1182250_1920

If you really want to find a great gift, I’d suggest reading another blog that might actually be helpful.  Perhaps one without the title of “worthless advice” in it?  However, if you must continue to read, we should dive into a few things that will help you find a decent enough Valentine’s Day gift.  I’m not promising that this is the prefect gift; I’m merely saying that these gifts might save you from a night sleeping on the couch on Valentine’s Day.

First, I’d suggest aiming for a gift that aligns with your significant other’s lifestyle.  If she likes to run, give her some new running shorts.  She likes to cook, perhaps a nice crock pot would be a helpful addition to her kitchen.  On the flip side, if she hates cats, don’t buy her a kitten.  (I’m honestly hoping you aren’t that much of a moron to buy her a cat….)

You’ll actually have to brainstorm and come up with some ideas of what she likes to do.  I can’t possibly save your sorry ass all the time.  Come on, man…think about her hobbies?  She doesn’t have any?  Nothing at all?  Then you are doomed.

But wait, we can salvage this holiday (created by the evil greeting card companies, candy companies, and of course, the florist industry) for you to look like you know her.

  1.  Does she like to travel?  Buy her a new set of luggage…then take her on a trip to see your overbearing mother.  Did you remember to call your mom?  You didn’t, did you?
  2. She eats, right?  Then buy her a gift certificate to her favorite restaurant.  Just make sure it is some place you’ll enjoy as well.  You have to eat too, am I right?
  3. Alcohol – it’s easy and you know she likes to drink.  Skip your cheap beer and get her something she likes.  Spruge on that good bottle of Washington state wine.
  4. A Mason Jar of Flavors – grab that old Mason jar out of the recycling bin, write down some “favors/chore coupons”, and you are in business.  You can put down a coupon for a bad back rub, a free car wash, a night of bowling, you’ll empty the dishwasher, etc.  Just stack the coupons to make sure it is stuff you can handle.  Skip the “I’ll wax your moustache” coupon.  It won’t end well.
  5. Does she read? Easy gift time…Kindle.  Or even a nice, old fashion book with pages that turn.
  6. Candles – this is an easy way to burn your home down.  May I suggest you Go with those fake, battery operated candles?  Save yourself the visit from the local, good looking firefighters.  You don’t need that competition.
  7. Perfume – go and order some of her favorite perfume right now.  None of that cheap stuff.  Get the stuff you both like.
  8. Skin Care – You can’t go wrong with that anti-aging wrinkle cream.  Nothing like tellling your signficant other “Hey, you are getting old, here’s some greasy cream that hopefully helps reverse the ravishes of time.”  Oh, sure that seems like a wonderful idea.

I wish you the best of luck this Valentine’s Day.  You’ll certainly need it after reading this blog.  But it’s not too late…you still have time to find a good blog that will help you.  Quickly, exit out of this worthless advice blog.  Find somewhere that will help you find the 7 Best Valentine’s Day Gift Ideas.

You know what would make my Valentine’s Day?  You “liking” my post below.  That’ right, push the “Like” button.

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Images from www.pixabay.com

 

 

Summer Camp for Adults? Cash on In!

FullSizeRenderSummer is here and a few years back I read about Adult Summer Camps.  I didn’t pay much attention to the Adult Summer Camp craze because I was too busy being, you know, a parent.  Besides, I’ve done my fair share of camping, backpacking, and attending summer camps as a young Boy Scout and also as a Boy Scout troop leader.  Oh, and don’t forget my trips to various Girl Scout camps with my daughter as well.  So you can imagine, I’m not too interested in sleeping a musty old cabin eating bad food at the dining hall as an adult because we now have an Adult Summer Camp opportunities abound.

So, you see, the idea of Adult Summer Camp doesn’t really appeal to me.  However, I can see that it is a great idea because it already exists and someone is making some money.  However, I believed these “summer camps” are called business conventionsand trade shows and held in places like hotels.  Usually  you have to attend because your job requires you to.  Or you could go for pleasure and attend something like Comicon.  You know, a place where you can dress up in a costume just like you do on Halloween.  There is nothing wrong with that.  It is a hobby and hobbies are something you enjoy doing and I strongly encourage you to attend a convention if you want to.  I just don’t understand why someone wants to head out to the woods and go back to summer camp.  I’d much rather head to a hotel and enjoy the pool and spa services.

Of course, I’m a fool for not cashing in on the Adult Summer Camp craze.  I know a number of experts (aka friends) that could assist me in creating a new summer camp.  If someone wants to pay me to attend a summer camp, who am I to stop them?

What courses would I offer?  The list is endless!

  • Lawn Mowing and Lawn Care
  • Complaining & Whining
  • Photography
  • House Painting
  • Blogging
  • Cheap Vacations
  • Car Maintenance
  • How to Fail
  • Drone Flying (and Crashing!)
  • Home Beer Brewing (and its sister course Beer Drinking)
  • How to Be Depressed in Your Life without Mental Illness
  • Boating and Floating
  • Camping Basics
  • Candle Making
  • Wine Drinking
  • Scotch and Whisky Drinking

Pretty much whatever you can imagine, we could offer it as a course.  I could rent some old summer camp, set up some old army tents, get some retired school cook for my mess hall, and we would have our summer camp up and running in no time.  Daily Field trips to the local pub for inspiration would be a must.  Hands on experience (like painting my house) with a touch of reality (see my highly regarded course “How to Fail”).

I know you are dying to sign up.  For only $1499 per week, this summer camp experience can be yours.  You can send me cash anytime.  I promise to save your spot for you.

Have a great idea for a course?  Want to be a part of a winning team (or you need a job for the summer)?  Let me know!  Frankly, I need all the help I can get.

 

 

 

 

Vacation Post: Chelan, Washington

It has taken me a few days to get out of work mode and into vacation mode.  We are staying about 3.5 hours (driving time) from our house which results in hotter weather with clear blue skies.  As you have probably gathered from past blog posts, the western Washington area is usually cloudy, wet, and cool (55-65 degrees F).  However, once you drive over Snoqulamie Pass and enter the eastern side of the state, you get hot, dry desert weather.  We now have high 80s to low 90s, clear blue skies.  Did I mention blue skies?  Yeah, we can see the sun here.

Now, summer is the best time to be in Seattle because the cloudy skies are really now blue skies.  The weather is good.  The new channel is teasing us with reports of sunshine and temperatures of 70-80.

The Lake Chelan area is beautiful.  It use to be just apple orchard country, mixed in with some cherries, and then a sprinkle of vacation condo resorts (lots of timeshares here).  Over the past 15 years, Chelan has added about 23 wineries and more tourist activities such as ziplines, jet skis and boat rentals, etc.  There is a great and affordable family waterslide park called “Slidewaters”.  Great local pizza joints and hamburger places.  Heck, and there is sunshine every darn day!

300 days of sunshine…you can’t complain about that especially when it comes with a 55 miles long lake with clear blue water.

Long Beach, Washington – Father’s Day 2016

On Sunday, my son, his friend, and I made a quick trip to Long Beach, Washington to create some drone video footage and take some drone photos.  The last time I was in Long Beach was with the family for a short lunch stop so I was pleased to have the opportunity to visit again and stay a bit longer.

The weather was perfect for enjoying Long Beach.  Clear blue skies and a bright sun for us however, it was very windy.  Long Beach is know for its excellent kite flying conditions.  Plenty of wind on Sunday and Monday if you like kite flying, seagulls, and assorted windy day activities.

We stayed in Jazzy’s Crab Shack Link to Jazzy’s Crab Shack and it was great for the three of us.  Two bedrooms and a queen hide away bed in the living room area, two bathrooms, dining room area, plus a well stocked kitchen with a breakfast nook.  The vacation cottage was very clean and looked like it is well maintained by the owners.

Monday’s weather was a bit more cloudy but the wind was about the same.  After driving around the area a bit, you realize that the beach is pretty far away.  It is wide and (of course) it is long (hence the name “Long Beach”).  In Washington State, you can drive on the beach (in certain areas).

The visit was short but still fun.  Hopefully, when you get the chance to visit Long Beach, the weather will be warm and sunny for your visit.

 

 

 

 

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