Kevin Hellriegel's Blog of Worthless Advice

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Tag Archives: wife

Let’s Kill the Leprechaun – Tips for a Successful St. Patrick’s Day!

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Yippee!  It is St. Patrick’s Day, the day second only to Halloween for a day where you can get drunk, dress in a bad costume, and act like a fool!  Well, to be clear….I usually make a fool out of myself on Valentine’s Day and National Hot Tub Day (why isn’t National Hot Tub Day a Federal Holiday yet?).  However, back to the point of this worthless advice blog…St. Patrick’s Day.  In the good old United States of America, we all become Irish on St. Patrick’s Day (March 17).

Lucky for you, I’m part Irish so I can offer my three blog readers and my imaginary stalker Cyndi (who wears sunglasses on the darkest, winter, overcast days) great advice on St. Patrick’s Day.

Tips to be the Best Fake Irish Person You Can Be:

  • Randomly yell “Kill the Leprechaun” when you are out at the bar, drinking with your non-Irish friends.  Wear a green wig…everyone likes people that wear wigs.
  • You can also yell “Kill the Leprechaun” at your child’s school.  Make sure you have singled out that redhead music teacher (no one likes her anyway).
  • Get a Redhead Spouse….just make sure she isn’t the music teacher you just made fun of.
  • Make EVERYTHING green…green…green!…make green pancakes…….make green beer…make green cats….

food-PANCAKESgreengreen-beer-2103313cat-GREEN

  • On St. Patrick’s Day, You should always talk in a stupid “Irish” accent….or a “Scottish” one or an “English” one….no one in America can really can tell the difference anyway.  Just say “Top of the Morning!” to everyone.
  • Wear cheap plastic shamrock necklaces.  Everyone likes it when the “Made In China” necklace breaks, and those stupid beads and shamrocks are all over the floor, making you slip and fall.
  • Wear your green throng underwear (I’m talking to you gentleman readers.  Ladies, you can wear whatever you like).  Heck, ladies you can even enter a St. Patrick’s Day bikini contest!  Nothing puts the “Saint” back into St. Patrick’s Day like a visit to a bar in a bikini!  Click on this link for a Bikini bar video!
  • Drink Irish whiskey…or wine…green beer…or whatever…it doesn’t matter…just be that annoying douche bag who drinks too much.  Kind of like how you are every other day of the year, annoying…and drunk…but really just annoying.
  • Oh, don’t forget to wear something green….like the lettuce you have stuck in your teeth.  Nothing like getting your vegetables and sadness all in one day.

But you know something that rocks on St. Patrick’s Day?  This Lego video!

And if you just need to mellow out…enjoy this video!

You wasted your St. Patrick’s Day reading this blog, but at least you helped me get my readership numbers up.  And be happy that I didn’t make this post into a history lesson.  Leave me a comment or a link to a funny cat video.  Please, and write in an Irish accent…

One more video…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ready for some Spring Cleaning? Degrease your Kitchen Cabinets with Kitty Cats!

Sorry that this is a worthless advice tip…..and it doesn’t feature any kitty cats.  Well, just a picture of a cat; that’s it.

For the past few months, we have decided to clean up and get rid of a lot of stuff that has accumulated over the past 13 years here in our mansion.  Part of this cleaning focus stems from my Father passing away and my Mom needing help to get rid of stuff.  In December, my son and I flew to Kauai to help my mom tackle the office and help close down the photography business.

When I came home, my son and I were in agreement that we needed to clear out the clutter. His words were something to the tune of “Please don’t leave me with a bunch of stuff to get rid of when you die.”  Now, I’m not planning on dying soon but I do want to remove clutter and clean up.  My wife is fully onboard and my daughter thinks we are “messy” so she fully agrees as wellcat-468232_1920.jpg.

Today I noticed a slight build up of kitchen grease on the very top of our kitchen cabinet above the stove.  I did a quick YouTube search and came across this helpful video (see below) I thought I’d share with you.  This isn’t my video or my house.  Enjoy the video and if you have any cleaning tips, please feel free to share them in the comments below!

Your Cooking Sucks – Wow Them with Your Personal Signature Meal!

Let’s face it…you suck as a cook!  But if there is one thing you need is a “signature meal” to wow your potential partner.  A few weeks ago, I wrote about a “signature cocktail drink” you should be able to make all the time.  Now we will discuss having a signature dish.  If you can cook, that means you just step up a notch on the ladder of life.

Dinner.jpgBut if you can’t cook, you can still trick them into thinking that you know how to cook with a signature dish.  That one dish you can cook with your eyes closed AND it tastes amazing.  You need a foolproof dish.   A dish that any moron (like myself) can make.  It needs to be easy and tasty.  A dish that melts in your mouth, that causes the taste buds to explode with desire for the next bite!

If you are a really bad cook….I suggest a slow cooking process like a crock pot meal.  My friend Mark is an excellent cook and he gave my wife (who is another excellent cook) a recipe for Mississippi Pot Roast.  Easy, simple, and very tasty.  Even I could make it; it’s that easy.

Plus you’ll have leftovers you can make some sandwiches for tomorrow’s lunch at work!  Double score!

Keep in mind that a crockpot recipe is a slow cooking recipe.  Always read the recipe and pay attention to the cooking time.

Now throw in a decent bottle of red wine and a wonderful tossed green salad (hey, we need our vegetables, right?).  You have yourself your signature dinner and you are one step closer to closing the deal!

Do you have an easy recipe you’d like to share?  One that won’t make your guest puke?  Share it in the comments section below!

How To Manipulate Your Spouse into Loving You Again! 8 Awesome Tips!

You’ll be pleased to know that this blog post is approved by both my wife and Mr. Whiskers.   Yet, I haven’t had a chance to ask Cyndi, my imaginary stalker, if she likes it or not.

A few of my friends will ask “Hey, how come you love your wife so much?”  Well, clearly it is because she manipulates me.   She knows what motivates me into being a better person. We all know my wife is the better half of this marriage.  No one asks me “How are you doing?”  But they always ask about her and how she is doing. (Maybe they know she is going nuts because she is married to me?).

One could argue that manipulating  your spouse is wrong, however in reality, we all do it. My wife knows exactly how to steer me in the “right” direction. Usually, her direction is the right direction (unless it interferes with Mr. Whisker’s nap time).  Is it wrong to give your spouse limited choices, that result in the correct choice?  The choice that, in the end, is the right choice?

Now the manipulation only works if that person believes in  you…or wants to believe in you.  We all want our significant other to motivate us, push us, encourage us to succeed.  We all enjoy that manipulation because it appeals to our own desire to be a winner.  You could say that our spouses motivate us, in which they do, but they manipulate us as well.

But what if our spouses had given up on us? Should we change the tables and perhaps push them back into a position we want them to be? Shouldn’t we rise up and encourage them to fall back in love with the loveable loser (that’s you dear reader) again?  Let’s look at some completely worthless advice tips that probably won’t help you with your relationship but are nevertheless the point of this blog.

Worthless Advice Tips to Manipulate Your Spouse into Loving You Again:

  1. Learn to Cook – take a good cooking class and learn how to boil water and make one amazing dish.  Or just pop something in the microwave…same thing, right?food-712665_1920
  2. Do a load of Laundry – Sure, we know you haven’t done a load of laundry since college, but this is the time to do it again.  My recommendation: use the local laundromat that offers A Full Service Drop Off Service.  I’m pretty sure you can Google that crap somewhere.laundry-saloon-567951_1920
  3. Ditch the Kids – You know your spouse is tired of watching the kids, so make the effort to pawn them off to relatives or friends for one blessed night.  One night of no whining….(well, except for your dog’s whining.)grandstand-330930_1920
  4. Spa Night – Offer your spouse a massage.  Paint their nails like a three year old at preschool.  Then promptly fall asleep…treatment-1327811_1920
  5. Vacuum – Instead of reminding your spouse the carpet looks like a herd of elk walked over it, plug in the vacuum and turn it on for them to do.  Remember to lift your feet as your spouse vacuums near you.  It’s the least you can do as you update your Facebook status about your “tough day at work”.vacuum-cleaner-657719_1920
  6. Speak Kindly – Don’t be the sassy smartass for one night…(unless you write a worthless advice blog. Then you should kind all the time because you know your worthless advice isn’t worth anything.)conversation-799448_1920.png
  7. Take Care of Your Appearance – Heck, your spouse goes out of their way to look good for you.  Return the favor by getting out of your sweatpants at least once a week, taking a shower, shaving your beard.  I know those sweatpants are comfortable…I wear mine too much.  But they do signal to the world “Hey, I’ve given up” and that’s not you, right?barber-1979440_1280
  8. Let your Spouse pick the Movie….for once…  Give in and watch the new action movie or sappy (totally unrealistic) romantic comedy… just once.  Do it for your spouse and your cat.popcorn-1085072_1920

Again thanks for stopping by and reading my “Worthless Advice Tips to Manipulate Your Spouse into Loving You Again”.  Feel free to forward this on to your friends and spouse.  Leave a few comments below…

Oh, it’s Yard Sale Season? The Best 7 Worthless Advice Tips to make it a HUGE success!

It’s summer here and that means there are a fair amount of yard sales in my local community.  It’s like a gold rush of junk and the everyone wants to sell their treasures!  I enjoy a good garage sale like the next guy (if that guy happens to be a hoarder).  You can find some good tools, cheap books, dangerous toys, out of style clothes, and dead Nana’s ashes.

Perhaps you want to sell your Treasures?   Follow my Tips for Huge Garage Sales!

  1. Get Rid of Your Spouse and Children – You don’t want your sentimental, sappy husband or your whining kids mucking up the sales process with their cries of “But that was my favorite bike” or “I still need that hammer to fix the gate” or “I need that heart medication to survive.”
  2. Sell High Quality Items –  Sure, that is pretty easy right?  You know what sells?  Your neighbor’s stuff.  Like their brand new lawn furniture or their ECHO weed wacker.  Or that bratty kid’s bike down the street.  Just slip them into our inventory, price them dirt cheap (like your wife’s perfume), and watch the money roll in.
  3. Advertise Your Yard Sale –  Make sure to make a big sign and hot glue it to the neighbor’s car down on the corner.  Hey, if he is stupid enough to park image2his car on the public street, then it can become a good spot for a nice sign to direct traffic to your awesome garage sale.
  4. Put on Some Music – Have your nephew and his gangsta rap music group have a concert outside.  Nothing like a bunch of swear words to get those Buyers itching to buy!
  5. Selling on a Hot Day?  Some would suggest selling lemonade…I would add Vodka and get the sales party started.  Everyone knows that liquor helps to loosen up those tight purse strings.  And what could go wrong with vodka infused lemonade at 9:32 am?
  6. Need something for the Husbands to do?  Husbands get bored at garage sales.  To combat this, start a craps game in the backyard.  Everyone loves craps!  Remember the longer they are playing, the longer their wives are at the garage sale buying your stuff!
  7. All Sales Final – Don’t forget to remind your customers that all sales are final.  They are stuck with your treasures now!

After those final customers sober up, you can get rid of the reminder items on Craig’s List for FREE!

Do you have some awesome tips or a story to share?  Leave them in the comments below!

 

 

 

 

Yup! You were right…Your Spouse is trying to kill you!

I have som20140316-060511.jpge bad news for you folks that work and help support the family.  It appears that your spouse is trying to kill you.

Shocking?  A bit…but not unexpected, is it?

The news gets worse if you are a woman.

It seems that if you are a working woman, those long hours at your job are more detrimental to your health than to a man’s health.  Does this mean you can’t handle it?  Hardly.  It means your spouse is trying to kill you by making you work!  It also probably means you care a bit more about your job than your lazy husband.  You know he doesn’t care about his job.  He is just worried about what he is having for lunch.  You are the one who has to get up at 5 am, shower, put your make up on, catch the train, walk the remaining half mile to your job, scan in using your keycard, listening to your lame boss, eat lunch at your desk, create a value added spreadsheet, work some more, suffer through yet another meeting, rush to catch the train back, and walk uphill back to your house, and eat some leftover frozen pizza your husband somehow managed to find in the freezer.

And what about your husband?  Eating some Ben and Jerry’s ice cream as he watches that baseball game on TV.  Look at that smug look in his eyes as he takes another heap of ice cream from the bowl into his waiting mouth.  I bet he has a beer on the table too.  You can tell he doesn’t care.

You? You’re different.  You know you rock at your job.  You do the best you can…you care.

Him?  He doesn’t care.  He just wants to talk about sports during his hour long, three martini lunches.  That selfish ass.

He knows that $3 Million Dollar life insurance policy is on your head and he is planning to get his hands on that money one way or another.

Watch out for that harmless vacation to Kauai.  You never know what hiking trail he plans to take you on.

Hold on now…what if you are a man?

What about it?  You know your’e dead inside already.  Your spouse is just helping you slide down the final few feet to your doom.  It’s perfectly ok; you were meant to be a clog in the machine.  Just sit back and enjoy that bowl of ice cream, everything will be just fine.

Source: MSN Health

 

 

Dear Graduates: Welcome to the Real World (oh, by the way…it sucks!)

Dear Graduate,

Congratulations on making it through four years of a bad dream called high school. You’ll be glad to know that your life is now beginning a new chapter. It is totally easy from here on out.  It is a world full of responsibilities, disappointments, happiness, failures, success, and misery that await you.  Sound fun, doesn’t it?

I could tell you to follow your heart but if you are anything like me, that would mean you want to hang out with your cat Mr. Whiskers, drinking scotch, while reading a nice novel. Yup, that’s my dream and if I followed it I would probably be living in a tent under the freeway overpass.  But at least I will be following my dream and living the life I was meant to live, right?

Instead you need to think about a few things. (And you thought you were done with thinking…)

Now, you might be on the path to college or you might be headed to a fulfilling career at a fast food restaurant. Whatever path you chose, make sure you are good at what you do. Enjoy it, and do it to the best of your ability so that you do a fantastic job. I’m not saying you should love your job, but you should be good at it. No one likes a half ass employee working for them or a college student in their class that doesn’t care about the course.  Enjoy the work so it doesn’t seem like work.  No one likes the slacker.

Keep in mind, it isn’t entirely possible to follow your heart and chase your dreams.  If you could follow your heart and have some crazy dream of doing nothing (like I do), you wouldn’t get very far.  You have to get out there and make your mark. You have to live life so you can see how futile and depressing it can be. See? Living in your parents’ basement, playing “Call of Duty” on your  xBox isn’t such a bad idea now, is it?

Think of the future: yeah, because it is now.  I would suggest you have your midlife crisis before the age of 30. You don’t want to be do it when you are in your mid to late forties. Rediscovering yourself at that age is sure fire way to end up broken-hearted, downtrodden, and despressed…you know, just like me.

Don’t worry; life won’t go according to your plan. Have a good moral value system and that will be your guide. Life’s path isn’t a straight line; it has ups and downs, peaks and valleys, and challenges to overcome.  Follow the compass and read the map.

I’m hoping you learned something from a bitter old man by reading this. Worthless advice doesn’t write itself, follow that dream and remember “Would you like fries with that?”  

Oh, by the way, Valentine’s Day is tomorrow.

So even if you have been married a few months, a few years, or a few decades, you should get the spouse an expensive gift to show your true love. At least every time I purchase a Valentine’s Day card, I feel like I’m buying a very expensive gift. Those cards are expensive. 

However, if I don’t buy the card, I look like an insensitive jerk. Ah, well played Greeting Card company, well planned. You know even if my wife says “you don’t need to buy me anything, honey” that I’d be a fool to listen to her.  Because if I don’t buy that expensive card, I’m the husband that “forgot” about Valentine’s Day. My love is only shown through a pricey greeting card’s well polished verse of undying love, gratitude, and admiration.

Oh, and let’s not forgot about what sentiment we need to profess in this greeting card. If we go with the funny card and our spouse wakes up in a bad mood, we look like someone that doesn’t take our love seriously. But if we go with the seriously one and we are known for our funny nature, we are guilty of not being concerned about our choice of Valentine’s Day cards.   We picked a serious card because we didn’t care enough to look through the 863 different cards available.

I like the funny ones but depending on the mood of your spouse (on Valentine’s Day morning), you are risking a day…a week…a month…years of how you were an insensitive dope who chose the wrong Valentine card.

Yeah, so good luck with your card choice…choose wisely.

Shopping Malls & Christmas Newsletters

Happy Holidays!

Christmas is around the corner and I really hope you got all of your holiday shopping done. I drove by one of our shopping malls this past Sunday and that looked crazy. Insanely crazy. I hate shopping malls all the time but to have to venture into one during the holidays is worse. I looked at that shopping mall parking lot and thought what fresh hell that must be. Thank goodness I do all of my shopping online.

To be honest, my wife does all of the holiday shopping. I just pay for it and sign the card. She is awesome for that stuff and I really appreciate her.

We are also attempting to send out Christmas cards this year. We haven’t done it for the past few years because I’m lazy. I use to write a snarky Christmas newsletter as well. I use to be really good at it. The key phrase here is “use to be”. Let’s face it; my blog doesn’t get enough attention from me so a Christmas Newsletter isn’t high on my list of things to do.

Let’s be clear, I don’t hate Christmas Newsletters. Actually, I love them. I love to get Christmas Newsletters because it allows me to read about all the fun stuff going on (without having to read all of the Facebook posts). The newsletter is nice tidy summary of the good events that have happened over the past year. No one writes about the bad stuff like how you got rear ended by the guy checking his text messages. And they avoid all of the photos of food and drinks people post. So please, send me your holiday newsletter…I love them.

Ugly Shirt…the secret plans of my Wife and Daugther

Last Saturday, I took off my wonderful black University of Washington Husky hoodie and thus exposed that I was wearing a nice polo shirt. Sadly, I was informed by my wife, daughter, and my daughter’s friend that it was ugly. The shirt wasn’t nice at all; it was ugly.

Ugly? And they let me wear it all day long and didn’t bother to tell me until then?

Oh, you can’t imagine the embarrassment and shame than filled my soul with despair upon this cruel realization.

I do believe that my wife allows me (and probably secretly encourages me) to wear ugly and out of date clothes to make sure no hot babes check me out. That the hideous shirt is allowed to be wore by me (without a warning by my family) is clear proof my wife is purposely making me look like an unattractive dresser and fashion non-diva. I’m sure she is quite content to have me look a bit goofy. Well played dear wife, well played.

Ah, she is a clever one.

My daughter just likes me to look like a goof ball. I think it is her way of rebelling. I know she thinks to herself “That shirt is ugly and I should tell him to get rid of it. However, he did make me unload the dishwasher this morning so I won’t tell him to change it. He can suffer.”

There you have it. Clearly, I have no fashion sense. All of my clothes should probably be given away and I should buy a whole wardrobe!

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