Father’s Day – Oh, how I hate you.

As a father to 0-3 kids (sometimes I claim them…sometimes I don’t), I hate Father’s Day.  I know I’m an awesome father, why do I need a special day?  Father’s Day is a made up holiday that really does nothing but support the retailers of America.  Do they have Father’s Day in other countries?  Don’t answer because I don’t really care.  I don’t care about ours so you can surmise that I really don’t care if you have a Father’s Day either.

I tell my family not to buy me anything.  I’ll accept a homemade card and some food but I don’t need anything else.  Make me breakfast; I’m OK with that.  If you insist on getting me something, please us the following as guidelines.

I don’t want the following:

• Track Suit/Sweat Suit – Do I look like I’m a retiree?
• Ties – I have plenty.
• Crappy Art Work – for Pete’s sake you are teenagers and young adults, if your artwork looks like crap now just give up drawing anything.
• Coffee Mugs with “World’s Greatest Dad” on them.  We already know I’m the best.
• Dinner Out at a Restaurant – I end up paying so how is this different than any other time we go out for dinner?
• Book Ends – I saw this on a website as a suggestion.  Really? Bookends?
• Books about Rich People – Thanks for making me feel like a failure…again.
• New fad “Diet” books – I know, I know…I’m fat.

Things You Can Get for Me for Father’s Day

• A handmade card – use multiple colors and write something creative.  Put some thought into it. Bust out those old color crayons and pens and get cracking.  I want some artwork I can sell.
• A photo of you and your siblings –  Give me the illusion you like each other and get along with each other.
• Liquor – A nice whisky or scotch…don’t go cheap on your old man.
• Food items, candy, etc. – I’m a man, so food works.
• Experiences – let’s do a hike, river rafting trip, burying a dead body, etc. together.  Make a memory with me.
• Cologne – ask your Mom; don’t pick something for me…ask your Mom.  I don’t want to smell like some cheap boy band member or that I just step out of prison for a weekend visit.

Oh, by the way, Father’s Day is tomorrow.  Don’t worry; you don’t have to do anything.