Father’s Day – Oh, how I hate you.
As a father to 0-3 kids (sometimes I claim them…sometimes I don’t), I hate Father’s Day. I know I’m an awesome father, why do I need a special day? Father’s Day is a made up holiday that really does nothing but support the retailers of America. Do they have Father’s Day in other countries? Don’t answer because I don’t really care. I don’t care about ours so you can surmise that I really don’t care if you have a Father’s Day either.
I tell my family not to buy me anything. I’ll accept a homemade card and some food but I don’t need anything else. Make me breakfast; I’m OK with that. If you insist on getting me something, please us the following as guidelines.
I don’t want the following:
- Track Suit/Sweat Suit – Do I look like I’m a retiree?
- Ties – I have plenty.
- Crappy Art Work – for Pete’s sake you are teenagers and young adults, if your artwork looks like crap now just give up drawing anything.
- Coffee Mugs with “World’s Greatest Dad” on them. We already know I’m the best.
- Dinner Out at a Restaurant – I end up paying so how is this different than any other time we go out for dinner?
- Book Ends – I saw this on a website as a suggestion. Really? Bookends?
- Books about Rich People – Thanks for making me feel like a failure…again.
- New fad “Diet” books – I know, I know…I’m fat.
Things You Can Get for Me for Father’s Day
- A handmade card – use multiple colors and write something creative. Put some thought into it. Bust out those old color crayons and pens and get cracking. I want some artwork I can sell.
- A photo of you and your siblings – Give me the illusion you like each other and get along with each other.
- Liquor – A nice whisky or scotch…don’t go cheap on your old man.
- Food items, candy, etc. – I’m a man, so food works.
- Experiences – let’s do a hike, river rafting trip, burying a dead body, etc. together. Make a memory with me.
- Cologne – ask your Mom; don’t pick something for me…ask your Mom. I don’t want to smell like some cheap boy band member or that I just step out of prison for a weekend visit.
Oh, by the way, Father’s Day is tomorrow. Don’t worry; you don’t have to do anything.
Today is one of those rainy wet days you’d expect living here in the Seattle region. Luckily, today I’m giving back to the community as an alcoholic drunk. As a volunteer, I’ll be hoisting multiple alcoholic beverages (whisky and scotch are my drinks of choice) and doing my civic duty in the “wet lab” at the Washington State Criminal Justice Training Commission (WSCJTC) in Burien. Basically, I get to drink all day, eat lunch, hang out with other volunteers, and allow the trainees to give me some field sobriety field tests, etc.
I have to drink until I’m drunk or to a mutually agreeable upon level of being trashed. I couldn’t drive myself here and I can’t leave until I am at .03. In Washington State, DUI/DWI is .08. Now, I’m no expert at drinking or DWI/DUI law and I can’t even tell you which crime is worse: a DUI or a DWI. I just know I don’t want to get one!
Anyway, this is my first time doing this type of volunteering. Most of my other volunteering work is on the tamer side where I need to be sober 24/7. This definitely will be a change of pace and an interesting way to start the weekend.
Have a great Friday!
I didn’t realize that is now about a month since I last posted. I can honestly say, I’ve thought about writing a witty blog entry but those thoughts have quickly passed. I’ve been busy with work. I even convinced my wife to allow me to suspend the cable TV service for the summer so I refocus on family, friends, and blogging. Sadly, this is Day 2 of no cable TV and my dear wife is going through severe withdraw shakes at the moment. I’m afraid my great experiment is doomed.
Now, I know you are probably wondered what else I have been up to. I’ve stepped up to the plate and took over the Scoutmaster position in my son’s troop. I’m hoping that he will hurry up and get his Eagle Scout award in the next twelve months so I can “retire” from the job. I’m also still my daughter’s Girl Scout troop leader. We are bridging over into the next level: Cadettes. New uniform and new challenges. This summer we are planning to do a two night campout at the local state park…I hope they have Wifi!
We also managed to get our ghetto swimming pool set up for the summer. In the Puget Sound area, we don’t get a lot of hot weather but my daughters and her friends think we live in Florida. They are in the swimming pool all the time and the water temperature is only 65 degrees.