Kevin Hellriegel's Blog of Worthless Advice

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Tag Archives: husband

How To Manipulate Your Spouse into Loving You Again! 8 Awesome Tips!

You’ll be pleased to know that this blog post is approved by both my wife and Mr. Whiskers.   Yet, I haven’t had a chance to ask Cyndi, my imaginary stalker, if she likes it or not.

A few of my friends will ask “Hey, how come you love your wife so much?”  Well, clearly it is because she manipulates me.   She knows what motivates me into being a better person. We all know my wife is the better half of this marriage.  No one asks me “How are you doing?”  But they always ask about her and how she is doing. (Maybe they know she is going nuts because she is married to me?).

One could argue that manipulating  your spouse is wrong, however in reality, we all do it. My wife knows exactly how to steer me in the “right” direction. Usually, her direction is the right direction (unless it interferes with Mr. Whisker’s nap time).  Is it wrong to give your spouse limited choices, that result in the correct choice?  The choice that, in the end, is the right choice?

Now the manipulation only works if that person believes in  you…or wants to believe in you.  We all want our significant other to motivate us, push us, encourage us to succeed.  We all enjoy that manipulation because it appeals to our own desire to be a winner.  You could say that our spouses motivate us, in which they do, but they manipulate us as well.

But what if our spouses had given up on us? Should we change the tables and perhaps push them back into a position we want them to be? Shouldn’t we rise up and encourage them to fall back in love with the loveable loser (that’s you dear reader) again?  Let’s look at some completely worthless advice tips that probably won’t help you with your relationship but are nevertheless the point of this blog.

Worthless Advice Tips to Manipulate Your Spouse into Loving You Again:

  1. Learn to Cook – take a good cooking class and learn how to boil water and make one amazing dish.  Or just pop something in the microwave…same thing, right?food-712665_1920
  2. Do a load of Laundry – Sure, we know you haven’t done a load of laundry since college, but this is the time to do it again.  My recommendation: use the local laundromat that offers A Full Service Drop Off Service.  I’m pretty sure you can Google that crap somewhere.laundry-saloon-567951_1920
  3. Ditch the Kids – You know your spouse is tired of watching the kids, so make the effort to pawn them off to relatives or friends for one blessed night.  One night of no whining….(well, except for your dog’s whining.)grandstand-330930_1920
  4. Spa Night – Offer your spouse a massage.  Paint their nails like a three year old at preschool.  Then promptly fall asleep…treatment-1327811_1920
  5. Vacuum – Instead of reminding your spouse the carpet looks like a herd of elk walked over it, plug in the vacuum and turn it on for them to do.  Remember to lift your feet as your spouse vacuums near you.  It’s the least you can do as you update your Facebook status about your “tough day at work”.vacuum-cleaner-657719_1920
  6. Speak Kindly – Don’t be the sassy smartass for one night…(unless you write a worthless advice blog. Then you should kind all the time because you know your worthless advice isn’t worth anything.)conversation-799448_1920.png
  7. Take Care of Your Appearance – Heck, your spouse goes out of their way to look good for you.  Return the favor by getting out of your sweatpants at least once a week, taking a shower, shaving your beard.  I know those sweatpants are comfortable…I wear mine too much.  But they do signal to the world “Hey, I’ve given up” and that’s not you, right?barber-1979440_1280
  8. Let your Spouse pick the Movie….for once…  Give in and watch the new action movie or sappy (totally unrealistic) romantic comedy… just once.  Do it for your spouse and your cat.popcorn-1085072_1920

Again thanks for stopping by and reading my “Worthless Advice Tips to Manipulate Your Spouse into Loving You Again”.  Feel free to forward this on to your friends and spouse.  Leave a few comments below…

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Oh, it’s Yard Sale Season? The Best 7 Worthless Advice Tips to make it a HUGE success!

It’s summer here and that means there are a fair amount of yard sales in my local community.  It’s like a gold rush of junk and the everyone wants to sell their treasures!  I enjoy a good garage sale like the next guy (if that guy happens to be a hoarder).  You can find some good tools, cheap books, dangerous toys, out of style clothes, and dead Nana’s ashes.

Perhaps you want to sell your Treasures?   Follow my Tips for Huge Garage Sales!

  1. Get Rid of Your Spouse and Children – You don’t want your sentimental, sappy husband or your whining kids mucking up the sales process with their cries of “But that was my favorite bike” or “I still need that hammer to fix the gate” or “I need that heart medication to survive.”
  2. Sell High Quality Items –  Sure, that is pretty easy right?  You know what sells?  Your neighbor’s stuff.  Like their brand new lawn furniture or their ECHO weed wacker.  Or that bratty kid’s bike down the street.  Just slip them into our inventory, price them dirt cheap (like your wife’s perfume), and watch the money roll in.
  3. Advertise Your Yard Sale –  Make sure to make a big sign and hot glue it to the neighbor’s car down on the corner.  Hey, if he is stupid enough to park image2his car on the public street, then it can become a good spot for a nice sign to direct traffic to your awesome garage sale.
  4. Put on Some Music – Have your nephew and his gangsta rap music group have a concert outside.  Nothing like a bunch of swear words to get those Buyers itching to buy!
  5. Selling on a Hot Day?  Some would suggest selling lemonade…I would add Vodka and get the sales party started.  Everyone knows that liquor helps to loosen up those tight purse strings.  And what could go wrong with vodka infused lemonade at 9:32 am?
  6. Need something for the Husbands to do?  Husbands get bored at garage sales.  To combat this, start a craps game in the backyard.  Everyone loves craps!  Remember the longer they are playing, the longer their wives are at the garage sale buying your stuff!
  7. All Sales Final – Don’t forget to remind your customers that all sales are final.  They are stuck with your treasures now!

After those final customers sober up, you can get rid of the reminder items on Craig’s List for FREE!

Do you have some awesome tips or a story to share?  Leave them in the comments below!

 

 

 

 

Yup! You were right…Your Spouse is trying to kill you!

I have som20140316-060511.jpge bad news for you folks that work and help support the family.  It appears that your spouse is trying to kill you.

Shocking?  A bit…but not unexpected, is it?

The news gets worse if you are a woman.

It seems that if you are a working woman, those long hours at your job are more detrimental to your health than to a man’s health.  Does this mean you can’t handle it?  Hardly.  It means your spouse is trying to kill you by making you work!  It also probably means you care a bit more about your job than your lazy husband.  You know he doesn’t care about his job.  He is just worried about what he is having for lunch.  You are the one who has to get up at 5 am, shower, put your make up on, catch the train, walk the remaining half mile to your job, scan in using your keycard, listening to your lame boss, eat lunch at your desk, create a value added spreadsheet, work some more, suffer through yet another meeting, rush to catch the train back, and walk uphill back to your house, and eat some leftover frozen pizza your husband somehow managed to find in the freezer.

And what about your husband?  Eating some Ben and Jerry’s ice cream as he watches that baseball game on TV.  Look at that smug look in his eyes as he takes another heap of ice cream from the bowl into his waiting mouth.  I bet he has a beer on the table too.  You can tell he doesn’t care.

You? You’re different.  You know you rock at your job.  You do the best you can…you care.

Him?  He doesn’t care.  He just wants to talk about sports during his hour long, three martini lunches.  That selfish ass.

He knows that $3 Million Dollar life insurance policy is on your head and he is planning to get his hands on that money one way or another.

Watch out for that harmless vacation to Kauai.  You never know what hiking trail he plans to take you on.

Hold on now…what if you are a man?

What about it?  You know your’e dead inside already.  Your spouse is just helping you slide down the final few feet to your doom.  It’s perfectly ok; you were meant to be a clog in the machine.  Just sit back and enjoy that bowl of ice cream, everything will be just fine.

Source: MSN Health

 

 

Oh, by the way, Valentine’s Day is tomorrow.

So even if you have been married a few months, a few years, or a few decades, you should get the spouse an expensive gift to show your true love. At least every time I purchase a Valentine’s Day card, I feel like I’m buying a very expensive gift. Those cards are expensive. 

However, if I don’t buy the card, I look like an insensitive jerk. Ah, well played Greeting Card company, well planned. You know even if my wife says “you don’t need to buy me anything, honey” that I’d be a fool to listen to her.  Because if I don’t buy that expensive card, I’m the husband that “forgot” about Valentine’s Day. My love is only shown through a pricey greeting card’s well polished verse of undying love, gratitude, and admiration.

Oh, and let’s not forgot about what sentiment we need to profess in this greeting card. If we go with the funny card and our spouse wakes up in a bad mood, we look like someone that doesn’t take our love seriously. But if we go with the seriously one and we are known for our funny nature, we are guilty of not being concerned about our choice of Valentine’s Day cards.   We picked a serious card because we didn’t care enough to look through the 863 different cards available.

I like the funny ones but depending on the mood of your spouse (on Valentine’s Day morning), you are risking a day…a week…a month…years of how you were an insensitive dope who chose the wrong Valentine card.

Yeah, so good luck with your card choice…choose wisely.

Shopping Malls & Christmas Newsletters

Happy Holidays!

Christmas is around the corner and I really hope you got all of your holiday shopping done. I drove by one of our shopping malls this past Sunday and that looked crazy. Insanely crazy. I hate shopping malls all the time but to have to venture into one during the holidays is worse. I looked at that shopping mall parking lot and thought what fresh hell that must be. Thank goodness I do all of my shopping online.

To be honest, my wife does all of the holiday shopping. I just pay for it and sign the card. She is awesome for that stuff and I really appreciate her.

We are also attempting to send out Christmas cards this year. We haven’t done it for the past few years because I’m lazy. I use to write a snarky Christmas newsletter as well. I use to be really good at it. The key phrase here is “use to be”. Let’s face it; my blog doesn’t get enough attention from me so a Christmas Newsletter isn’t high on my list of things to do.

Let’s be clear, I don’t hate Christmas Newsletters. Actually, I love them. I love to get Christmas Newsletters because it allows me to read about all the fun stuff going on (without having to read all of the Facebook posts). The newsletter is nice tidy summary of the good events that have happened over the past year. No one writes about the bad stuff like how you got rear ended by the guy checking his text messages. And they avoid all of the photos of food and drinks people post. So please, send me your holiday newsletter…I love them.

Quick! Too Much Information is Never Enough!

TMI & TMS: Too Much Information & Too Much Sharing

Did you hear about the first time mother Ruth Iorio that used Twitter and Instagram to document the birth of her first child?

It does sound like a start of joke but of course it’s not.  Supposedly her photos and the Twitter feed went viral on the internet.  She might not have been the first one to do it but she is the first one I’ve heard about.  There has to be a couple hundred YouTube videos of births so what is the big deal?

Maybe it was a slow news day.  I discovered the story when I watched a short video news report on the ABC News website.  It was a simple slideshow of her photos and they never interviewed her.

I did watch her being interviewed on another news program and she just seemed to wanted to document the event with her photographer husband.  Not a big deal; I know other people who have recorded the birth of their children but they didn’t tweet about it as it happened.  I don’t mind learning about the birth of your child; I just don’t need all the details in (somewhat) real time.  I certainly don’t need to see the photos either.  A simple after the fact tweet of “It’s a boy, his name is Nye, and he was born at 2:41 pm today!” will work for me.  Heck, throw in a photo of your son while you are at it.

Perhaps she just wanted to share the birth with a few of her Twitter friends and family.  At first it was just them and then they just happen to share the link with another friend, then another, until it was all over the internet.

However, it has inspired me to share more.  I plan to tweet about the next time I clip my toenails so you better sign up for my Twitter feed now!  You don’t want to miss that!

A special “Thanks” to fellow blogger Honey Did You See That! Whom gave me the idea about TMS and TMI:  Too Much Sharing and Too Much Information blog post today.

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