Tag: Humor

Baby Needs a New Pair of Shoes!

~ K ~ Leave a comment

As I was stepping out of the bathroom this morning, I was informed by my wife that our daughter needed a new pair of shoes. These things happen. Children grow, they need new shoes. No big deal.

It wouldn’t be a big deal except she needed new shoes NOW. Really? Right now? It is 8:23 am and they are leaving for school at 8:25 am. She really needs a new pair of shoes in the next two minutes? This really couldn’t wait? What is the emergency?

Apparently, someone left her shoes out on the porch where the rain could reach them. After the tremendous downpour we had this past weekend (and today), her shoes were not just a little damp; they were soaked. I’m thinking to myself: Just have her wear another pair of shoes. What is the big deal, right? She has other pairs of shoes, boots, slippers, whatever. She could have worn her boots except for the fact that she broke those on Saturday night while we were walking in Seattle. And it appears that all of her other shoes are now too small for her never ending and continuously growing feet. What about her snow boots? Yes, snow boots! She just wore those with all the recent snow we had! It snowed only two weeks ago! I don’t have to make a trip to the shoe store! I’m saved!

No dice. The snow boots were a wee bit tight as well. She probably could have gotten frostbite because her feet where stuffed in them and her blood wasn’t circulating correctly. Details, details.

OK, after my less than enthusiastic acceptance of being the parent who has to drag their kid to the shoe store on a Monday morning, my daughter and I head out on the quest for new shoes. Mind you, I hate clothes and shoe shopping. I hate it with a passion. I hate it with every bone in my body. I hate the driving to the store, the walking into the store, the trying on of the clothes, the matching this shirt with those pants, the changing of the outfit into a different outfit, the returning of the first pile of clothes, the bringing back of more clothes to try on…you get my point, right? I hate it. And now I have to go with my daughter on a shopping trip? I can’t stand going with my wife shopping and now I have to go with my daughter? This is the same daughter that argues me with me about which gum she wants to buy and we spend fifteen long (very long minutes…minutes I’ll never get back) minutes looking at gum in which to purchase? It is a pack of gum! It shouldn’t take fifteen minutes to decide!

However, this trip is for a pair of shoes only. No add ons, no additional accessories, no skirts or tops to go with the shoes. Shoes Only! Clear, obtainable goals!

On top of this, we also need to get to school before they send in the lunch orders or I have to bring a lunch from home during my daughter’s lunch period (when I’m suppose to be working). We now have a time deadline on our shoe quest to add more stress to this mess. First, I hate shopping. Second, I now have a time deadline, and third, I haven’t a clue on what size shoe or style of shoe. Lucky, for me (or perhaps unlucky for me), my daughter pretty much knows what she wants. Let’s just pray that she doesn’t want the $95 Nike shoes or the piece of junk “pretty” shoes that won’t last two weeks yet cost more than the pair of Nike shoes.

So what can make this worse? My daughter actually feels terrible about me having to do this. She keeps apologizing about making me miss work. She’s sorry that I have to spend money on her to buy a new pair of shoes. She feels bad that I have to do it when usually Mom likes to do these things. She says she’ll pick the cheapest shoes. OK, now I feel like a real jerk. My poor daughter has all this guilt because of these stupid shoes. I do tell her that it isn’t a big deal, that she needs new shoes anyway, however, I didn’t want to be making a shoe shopping trip during school hours on a Monday morning. I mean, I look like a terrible parent waiting until the last minute to outfit his daughter in a new pair of shoes. I can see people looking at me and thinking: What kind of father waits until his child is headed to school to purchase her shoes? Doesn’t he care?

I need to spin this back onto my daughter. I ask her why she didn’t put her shoes inside. Well, she had dog poop on her shoes. Good reason. However, that is why you wash off the dog poop outside with the hose and then put the shoes by the front door. She knows perfectly well that her shoes need to be right by the front door, under the porch roof. For God’s sake, she’s eight years old already. If she lived in a Third World country she’d be making her 15th pair of shoes by 9:15 already and working for 15 cents an hour, 12 hour days, six days a week. No wonder our country is going downhill.

We get to the local Kent Fred Meyer store and walk into a very clean and well organized shoe department. We find the girl’s shoes area. She likes a pair of purple Nike shoes (on sale) but they are a bit tight. She then tries on a pair of blue New Balance and they feel better. She likes the blue running shoes and they are on sale as well. YES! We head to the cashier, who then tells us that they have another coupon for an additional 15% off. Double YES!

We walk out of there with a new pair of shoes for about $32 and in about 15 minutes time. Not super great but not bad on price and the time spent in the store was acceptable. We make it safely to school. She is a bit late but still manages to get her lunch order in under the deadline. Sweet deal! We part ways on good terms and I’m back off home to get some Photoshop work done. Not a bad morning for an idiot father who hates shopping….now it is time for a nap!

I want to be a Self-Help Guru!

~ K ~ 4 Comments

I want to be a Self-Help Guru!

I recently started a new audio book titled “Bright-Sided How Positive Thinking Is Undermining America” written by Barbara Ehrenreich. Since I just started this audio book I can’t give you a detailed review, however, I can say that it makes me want to become a self-help guru! The self-help guru industry is probably a great place for me to use my talents as an delightful individual to spread my unique style of sarcastic self-help. And I can create a media empire in the process and get rich too!

Think of the endless possibilities that await me as a sarcastic self-help guru! I have the perfect “unhappy” foundation in which to build upon my self-help guru career. Even if my life history isn’t as sappy or depressing as it could be, I can still spin a great tale of childhood misery to make a go of it as a self-help guru.

I can talk about how deprived I was as a child growing up in middle class suburbia. Please allow me to tell my tale of woe….when I was in elementary grade school, my parents didn’t buy me the all “too cool” Atari game system. All my friends and enemies had the Atari game systems with Pac Man, Donkey Kong, Frogger….but I had nothing! So what if I had every Lego set they made and I lived in a nice house….I am still scarred to this day with the knowledge that EVERYONE had an Atari and I didn’t.

Oh, and the vacation trips I never took…..where should I begin? How am I going to heal the wounds of never going to Hawaii until our family moved there? I’m still in pain (which gives me the emotional background to be an awesome self-help guru!).

Should we be talking about my emotional struggles of not getting a new bike when everyone else had one? Or the skateboard I never had? Or the new REI backpack for Boy Scouts I didn’t get? Oh, the pain of my terrible childhood. How did I overcome these painful childhood memories? Yet, I can blame my parents for the lack of a wonderful childhood or should I “thank” them for giving me this wonderful gift called “opportunity”?

And I have failures in my adult life which I can parlay into being a “Life Coach”. Oh boy, oh boy! If you really what to succeed, just hire an unemployed, twice divorced, free spirit life coach (that makes less money than you do) to guide you. What is that you hope to accomplish in your life? Hope? I “hope” I don’t puke with a bunch of nonsense! How do you feel about that? I “feel” like you are answering my question with your question. Did you see that? I’m an old dude giving you advice…I’m your “Dad”! Not really, I’m a stranger giving you advice for money. I’m telling you it will be ok…heck I’m a hooker!

Honestly, you know in my mind and in your heart what you need to do to be successful. The hard reality is that life gets in the way of you becoming successful. There is always one more TV show to watch, one more kid to tuck into bed, one more client to email, one more blog to write! That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try to work towards become successful with written goals. I have goals, I just never write them down! See, another Self-Help guru tip!

In my quest to become a self-help guru, I did intense and extensive research on the internet by visit two websites. I loved this one: http://www.thecheers.org/No-Laughing/article_2903_How-to-Become-a-Self-Help-Guru-Author.html Oh, and let’s not forget this article too! http://www.authorsden.com/visit/ViewArticle.asp?id=28357&authorid=3523

I can’t wait for my “Nine Habits of Successful Living” to become a York Times Bestseller with a book tour, groupies, an appearance on “Oprah”, a series of workshops and programs. Maybe I can do some “good” by appearing on a PBS pledge drive…remember that if you help others reach their goals, they’ll help you reach yours!

As always your comments are always welcome!
http://www.makanacrest.com http://www.kauaiweddings.com

Cyndi – my stalker lives (and I’m so excited!!)

~ K ~ Leave a comment

It’s update time for our favorite stalker Cyndi.  Rather it is update time about our favorite stalker Cyndi; whom we all thought was imaginary but has emailed me just yesterday.  Yes, Cyndi was kind enough to inform me that she is actually real.

Now, this no doubt is a huge ego booster for someone like himself who can his count readership on one hand.  Of course, how do we know for sure that I didn’t invent the supposed email/comment posting we see on my blog?  Or I’m just bringing Cyndi into “reality” myself to boost my meager readership?  Is it just a cheap trick?

Would I be that creative to inject Cyndi into the realm of reality? Or perhaps someone from Indiana University is more creative than I (which honestly is not hard to do) and helped to create the wonderful stalker that is Cyndi.

I just can’t wait to hear more from Cyndi so that we all can enjoy and share in my writing and her witty comments.  It is just more enjoyable for myself and my two readers to read my blog posts with the knowledge that Cyndi my stalker is reading it as well.  Just think, a whole new world awaits us with a special stalker/stalking relationship that will influence my writing from now on.

So sit back dear readers, read my blog (which is fantastic..am I right?  I know I’m right…just say I’m right) and enjoy my witty and thoughtful commentary on life.

Why spend time with the family?  Take a lesson from Cyndi and start stalking me!

Cyndi – My Imaginary Stalker!

~ K ~ 3 Comments

As a lazy blogger, I really have to thank Cyndi, my imaginary stalker for helping me stay on task.  I realize that life does get in the way of my blog and I don’t contribute to it as much as I should.  Sadly, this punishes the people who need my wise and amusing words more than anyone else..YOU my dear reader.  So please accept my deepest apologizes when I say I’m sorry for not being able to write as much as I should.

Do I sound like a whiny little complainer?  Oh, my life is so tough and so hard…whine, whine, and more whine.  Actually, if the blog was truly important I’d write in it everyday with my two followers hanging on to every word I managed to spill forth from my humble keyboard.

Hmm, narcissism approaches…or is it the fear that my blog is one of the millions out there that is deadly boring.  Really, what do I have to offer to the average reader besides my charming and sarcastic wit and humor?

I observe that at least Cyndi is a true die-hard reader (even if she is imaginary).  And boy, is she good for the old ego!  She never complains about my work (of course, it would be helpful if she offered a bit of advice once in a while).  Perhaps, I can expand on Cyndi’s life to bring her into more of an active role as a stalker and give her some background in which my other two readers can feel like they know Cyndi.  I think Cyndi deserves a little background and to become a little more human.

I would say Cyndi is in her mid-thirties (hey, she’s my stalker..I can make her into my imagine), she has two children, and a good husband.  She lives in the suburbs and dreams about living in the big city.  She doesn’t want to live in the big city but she dreams about it due to watching too many love stories set in New York City.

Perhaps if I had a novel or something publish, Cyndi could come to a reading…pen in hand.

Ah, enough of building our imaginary stalker Cyndi for one evening.

The Mess that is known as KOTS’ bedroom!

~ K ~ Leave a comment

The other day, I mentioned to my imaginary stalker Cyndi that KOTS (King of the Slackers) had been asked to move out of house.  Now, this has been a long time coming because KOTS hasn’t done much of anything to advance his life.  His dear mother has been at the end of her rope with his behavior.  She kindly told him that he needed to move out.

Now, one of her fears that KOTS would be “homeless”.  Considering that we aren’t the only relatives in his family, it is pretty much impossible for him to be homeless.  Perhaps he could be homeless if he decided not to return to a home that evening.  Certainly his dad wouldn’t let him stay homeless and not offer him a room in his home.  For KOTS to be homeless, it would be his choice not his family’s choice.

Besides, KOTS isn’t into “changes” and “personal improvement”.  For him to make a choice like this is totally out of character for him.  His idea of “personal struggle” is the fact he doesn’t have any clean clothes to wear because he is too lazy to do laundry.  His suffering (or rather the people around him’s suffering) is the stench of his clothes.

This brings us full circle back to KOTS and KOTS’ situation: KOTS is not homeless.  He has a place to live and is doing quite fine without his mommy helping him.

The amusing thing about this whole situation is that our house is no different from before.  He still comes over and eats our food, he still takes showers here (and leaves his dirty clothes and towels on the bathroom floor), and still doesn’t flush the toilet.  It’s like he never left.

The only major difference is that I have taken the huge task of tackling the mess that is known as KOTS’ bedroom.  I’ve been cleaning this mess and it is a very scary mess.  I strongly believe KOTS didn’t know how the washing machine worked, what a garbage can was, or that dirty dishes are supposed to be returned to the kitchen.  I have found things that would make a professional garbage man puke.

I’ve made some headway in the room but it still has the smell of port-a-potty on a hot summer day.  I have managed to wash a good deal of clothes and packed them away for KOTS.  I could pack them away dirty, however, I have a hard time imagining myself doing that.  One bigger mystery is why I’m bothering packing up these clothes when they didn’t matter to KOTS before and they don’t matter to him now.   I found a pile of socks that could have been easily washed and worn again.  Yet they were in a pile just sitting there.

Instead, my socks have been disappearing for a long time and I have discovered where they have gone.  Mystery solved!  Sometimes, I’m so proud of myself!

 

Sarcasm: It just isn’t a late night treat…it’s a lifestyle!

~ K ~ Leave a comment

Ok, basically my day starts out with a cup of coffee and not trying to get my wife pissed off at me.  Usually I get one cup of coffee down before I manage to upset the dear wife.  Sometimes, I can get through breakfast in one piece.   Please keep in mind, that my dear wife is under the assumption that I do nothing all day but sit around and watch tv.  Really, do the dishes actually wash themselves?  Do the clothes magically hop into the wash machine and dry themselves?  What about dinner?  Who takes care of the kids?  There is a lot of sarcasm to fit into the day and it won’t happen by itself.

Forgive me, I’m not trying to be a martyr.  I just don’t think the clothes fold themselves.  Heaven forbid that someone fold some clothes while watching tv and drinking wine.  See, that is the type of senseless and unthoughtful comments that get me in trouble.  One could argue that I bring it on myself (however Cyndi my stalker would disgreed) with my lack of self control with respect to my comments.  I really should just keep my mouth shut.

Keeping my mouth shut would be easy…but then my a little piece of me would die.  I’ve tried to tone it down and be less sarcastic but it is hard.  Everyday life brings a well of sacrastic sitautions to take advantage of.  I’m addicted to my sarcasm because it is just so fun and easy to do!  If I didn’t have sarcasm my life would be so boring.  According to this article from the American Psychological Association (APA)., if you don’t understand sacasm then you probaby have some brain damage or trama.  Here’s the link: http://www.apa.org/releases/sarcasm.html