Kevin Hellriegel's Blog of Worthless Advice

The only blog that you really want to read…or ignore.

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Writing Your Novel Tips! Worthless Advice that won’t help you in the least!

Well, I have no helpful writing tips for you and your upcoming bestselling novel.  This is my worthless advice blog, remember?  If you want some helpful tips, you might as well just click over to someone who is helpful like: Jenna Morcci.  She’s an author/writer/blogger I stumbled upon, while I was watching YouTube.  Before you judge me, my YouTube viewing is called “research.” While I was “researching” something…. (Truth be told, you know I was wasting time with Mr. Whiskers by my side, trying to figure out something on YouTube when Jenna Morcci’s writing videos came into my feed).

Let’s get to the point….She is hilarious!  Well crafted videos that are a bit sarcastic, but helpful on writing.  She’s informative, delightful, and has some great writing points.  Hmm, she could be more helpful than my worthless advice blog and that could be dangerous.  Perhaps, she could be my arch enemy?  Nah, that would involve me thinking too much of plot lines, character development, and how to write more than two sentences together and thus make something worthwhile.  One of my favorite videos is at the end of this post.

To combat her cleverness, I probably should throw together a witty list of “How to Write a Novel” tips.  Here goes my worthless advice tips list that won’t help you at all:

  1. Write in a Safe Space.  Yes, go to your safe space.  This could be an extra room in your house, under the stairs, the local coffee shop, or the pub down the street (see item #2).
  2. Consume large quantities of alcohol.  All the great, successful writer were drunks.  Why should you be any different?  Drink up!  You could even have a signature drink!
  3. Play music appropriate to your writing style.  Feeling romantic? Play some love songs.  Your story takes place at an all night rave?  Throw on some EMD trance music.
  4. Read.  Heck, you can’t write if you don’t read.  Read your genre or just read the classics.  Just don’t sit around and do nothing.whirlpool-1580294_1920.jpg  Pick up that Kindle and read!
  5. Soak in a Hot Tub – this is a wonderful way to relax, brainstorm, and not write.  You are in a hot tub, how could you write anything down?
  6. Surf the internet.  Remember I said not to sit around and do nothing?  Well, start surfing that internet and enjoy learning about how to snowboard in New Zealand.  It won’t help you write but you might end up with a great storyline, a blog post, or a new place to visit.
  7. Watch YouTube videos.  This is an awesome way to learn a new skill…how to change out a wheel bearing, how to paint your house, how to waste time watching You Tube videos about how to be successful.  It’s always just a big circle; watch a video and never write that next great American novel.
  8. Play with your cat!  What can you distract you more than your cat?  So cute, so cuddling.  It makes you want to watch cute cat videos on YouTube!  Am I right?  You know I am.
  9. Chat with your Imaginary Stalker Cyndi -You know you haven’t been paying enough attention to Cyndi and she doesn’t like that.  She will get you back….and she is your #1 fan!

Luckily, I know none of these tips will help you to become a better writer.  I know they won’t help you doing anything that moves you along to becoming successful, or happy, or the pride of your family.

Here’s a link to Jenna’s videos.  If you like a snarky attitude, you like to write, and you think I might actually have some good advice for you, just click on her video!  I don’t get paid to say how much I enjoy her videos, but she is pretty funny.  She should at least take me out to dinner for all of the web traffic my blog will be sending her…. No, I’m not in love with her…. (my wife will roll her eyes when she reads this part…).  Until Jenna comments on my blog….I bid you a fond farewell.

 

Day 5: Dad & Daughter Roller Coaster Adventure Trip

Day 5 Knott’s Berry Farm: Danger and Excitement in the streets of Buena Park!
If you have the time, hit the “like” button and help keep my fragile ego intact…thanks.
Of all my trips to Southern California, I have never been to Knott’s Berry Farm until this past February trip with my daughter on our Dad and Daughter Roller Coaster Adventure Trip. I was really looking forward to visiting Knott’s because it was another unknown roller coaster destination for us. We have been to Disneyland, Sea World, Universal Studios, LEGOLAND, but Knott’s was a new park with new rides for us. Nothing like trying something new, right?

Blue Skies all around.

Blue Skies all around.

I was warned that Buena Park is a bit of a ghetto. It turned out to be fine. No knife fights, no gun battles as I parked my rental car. I was a little bit disappointed since a few friends had hyped up the danger factor.

Knott's Berry Farm

Knott’s Berry Farm

As I have written before (for those of you that actually pretend to read my blog), my daughter (age 11) is the only one in my family that enjoys the roller coaster and thrill rides so many amusement parks offer. She does rides that would have freaked me out at her age if I were here. I guess I’m glad I’m not 11 again. She also sings and acts in the school play, so in reality she is a lot braver than me at age 11.
There are certain pros and cons with doing this trip in February during my daughter’s Mid-Winter Break (week long break). Pro: We get out of the rain, doom and gloom, and gray skies of Seattle for the sunshine of southern California. Con: The amusement parks are on limited hours and limited operating days. For example, Knott’s Berry Farm was open all week but hours were 10 am to 6 pm. Pro: Knott’s had a special half price admission for Breast Cancer. Another Pro: Short lines for the rides; not crowded at all.

Waiting for Ghostrider!

Waiting for Ghostrider!

The one long wait we encountered was for Knott’s Ghostrider wooden roller coaster. I’m not the biggest fan of wooden coasters and if I had a choice between wooden and metal, I’d go with metal hands down. However, we had to do Ghostrider since we were at Knott’s Berry Farm and it did not disappoint. That sucker is one fast roller coaster and from their website, you hit 3.14 G-force on that baby. We did have to wait about 35-45 minutes and I lost my hat (from Anderson Island) but it was fun.
In hindsight, we did Ghostrider right when the park opened and that is probably why the line was so long. We should have waited and gone to something else, let the line die down, and then double back to it. The rest of the time, all the wait times were 3-7 minutes. We often would go on a ride, have a great time, and then do the ride over again since we were right there. It was truly wonderful not to have to stand in line for hours to ride a two minute thrill ride. This is how I wish it was like every time I went to an amusement park.
We also managed to have our traditional ice cream lunch. This whole vacation was “chocolate mint ice cream” for lunch. Oops. Bad Parenting but who cares? It’s a vacation!
Another upside to vacation: No one really annoyed me at all during my vacation trip. Isn’t that amazing? Knott’s Berry Farm turned out to be a great value for the money spent: short lines and great rides.  I do recommend you visit it.  I suspect in the summer it will be a mad house.
Thanks again for wasting your time reading my worthless advice blog. As always your comments are needed so my fragile ego can stay intact and I can live in a state of bliss.

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Just chillin with Snoopy!

Just chillin with Snoopy!

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Chocolate Chip Mint Ice Cream for lunch...because I'm a great parent.

Chocolate Chip Mint Ice Cream for lunch…because I’m a great parent.

Did you miss me?

Yes, I know I have not written or posted anything since August 30 on my blog which is plain awful.  It really is shameful if you think about it.  I have a great deal of wonderful excuses I could give you for not writing but it all comes down to laziness.  Ah, our old friend “laziness” has reared its ugly head and I use it as an excuse.

 To be honest, I have been busy but that isn’t a good excuse for letting my dear blog readers just sit there and wait for my next entry.   I know you have been waking up every morning, opening your smartphone app or your laptop, checking your email to get that notification that a new blog is up.  Yet, I have failed you.

 You have probably felt a little lost, maybe even abandoned, but I’m here for you again.  I’m back and I promise we’ll have lots of fun adventures in the next few months.  Lessons will be learned, wonderful advice will be given, and your life will be on the upswing again.

 All this just from reading my blog.  Are you lucky? Or maybe even blessed?

 Don’t you feel special already?  The best part of feeling special is that it makes you want to post comments below and have a really cool photo on my blog post.

Google Yourself! Who comes up #1?

Since my blog (Kevin’s Blog of Worthless Advice) skyrocketed to Number 9 under the search of “worthless advice” in Google, I thought I’d better check the term “Kevin Hellriegel”.  Just to be fair to myself and my imaginary stalker Cyndi, everyone and their cat Mr. Mittens “Googles” themselves to see what pops up under their name and how bad the results are.  I luckily come up with good results because I’m really just totally awesome.

Well most of it is good except for the fact instead of my photography business coming up as Number 1, my sarcastic blog of worthless advice comes up as Number 1.

That could be a problem because I can be a bit of a rude sarcastic writer on my blog.  I wouldn’t want someone to think ill of me.  Who am I kidding?  People think ill of each other all the time.  They just like to pretend they aren’t mean.

My worthless advice for today: To get to a Number 1 Google rank is to narrow your search to be super specific.  Unless your name is “Joe Smith” and you live in a cave without any internet presence, you should appear on Google’s ranking fairly high.  When you search “Kevin Hellriegel”, I come up as Number 1.  See, isn’t that some awesome worthless advice?  I bet you wished I could come in and doing some marketing for your worthless brand, don’t you?

How I got my Blog to Number 9 on Google!

How I got my Blog to Number 9 on Google!

Yes, I’m ripping a hole into the world of Internet Marketing with my amazing ascent into the Number 9 ranking on Google!

Sure, it’s tough to get to the top of the page listings but someone I managed to do it.  With the billions and billions of web pages out there, you must be wondering how I did this!

It is really quite simple, a secret that bring the SEO marketing gurus to their knees.

You just have to make your search term so simple that it is the first one that pops up!  In my case, it is “worthless advice”.  Yup, that’s the term “worthless advice”.  Sure, it probably gets barely any searches (I mean who wants “worthless advice”?) but it is still ranked Number 9.

Now, to be fare, I haven’t even shown up on the first page of Bing or Yahoo!  I feel sad about that.  However, by taking my own “worthless advice” I’m sure I’ll crack their code too and quickly jump to the top of their rankings as well!

Psst! I final got a blog entry for you to read!

Hey, it’s a new year and I’m finally getting around to posting a new blog entry,  what a way to build that readership up to high levels!  Maybe, I’ll get a whole two new readers.  In fact, I gave my grandma one of my old computers and made the opening page on here search engine my blog page!  Now she is forced to be one of my readers!  Only 6 billion people more to go….

What have I been up to lately?

As you know, I split my interests between photography, reading, and real estate.  Once in a while the three major interests of my life converge together in a most interesting way.  This hasn’t happened to me recently so I don’t have a great story to tell you, however, I did have one of my clients’ homes sell and close this month.  We are looking for a new home for them in the Fairwood/Renton area of Washington.  There are a great deal of homes for sale and there definitely is no lack of inventory to see.  One of our greatest challenges is finding a house with a fairly nice kitchen, a decent size backyard, and a decent master bedroom and master bathroom.  We are looking in the $300K to $430K price range.

Now, this would be easy but once you get into the upper price range, the houses do get large in size: 2800-3500 sq ft.  There are only three people in the family so that house size is extreme.  The smaller and cheaper houses tend to have less square footage and less upgrades making them less appealing.

Add   this mix falling values and overpriced homes, a narrow search area, and you get a lot of homes to look at that don’t quite fit the bill.

You want to know a secret?  I love looking at homes!  I love seeing the layouts, the landscaping, the extras people have added to their homes.  It is fun stuff!  The best part is hanging out with people you enjoy while looking at houses…it is addicting….like Facebook.  Speaking of Facebook, I’m in a dry and sober mode now.  I haven’t been checking out Facebook or updating my Facebook page and I feel free!

Of course, now with a new blog entry I have to post it on Facebook.  Hmm, a problem.

I can log on for just a minute…I can get through it…I can resist to urge to stay of Facebook for hours and hours….I can do this!

Talk about a pathetic blog….

Let’s face it…my blog is boring and the only other losers paying any attention to it are the guys trying to get me to visit their blog site. I mean, really who is going to follow the exploits of me?

Uh, today, I got up brushed my teeth, ate some breakfast, had some coffee, etc. Oh yeah. Exciting. Be still my beating heart, this blog is just too amazing!

Anyway, for the two people following my blog (thanks Grandma and the prison inmate in Alabama), I finished the patio in the front of the house AND managed to take 1.09 tons of trash to the dump today. My little Ford Ranger Pick up was a low rider and we looked like the Clampetts mowing from one end of the valley to the other.

The front yard is coming together and at the end of June, I’ll be going after the deck repairs and enhancements.

First Blog Posting

Yes, it is my first blog entry. I’m staying up late to begin another addictive habit that robs me of my life, my friends, my family. Just like how Facebook consumed my life for months before I went cold turkey, I hope that this won’t become an out of control habit.

However, I enjoy writing and one of my personal and business goals is to become a published writer. In fact, this evening I went to the Bellevue Library to attend a small presentation by Christina Kraz. Part of her discussion was to create a platform before you try to get your book published. Much of what she talked about was very good common business sense which a lot of writers might not know about.

Furthermore, it was a good wake up call about marketing myself in my photography business and preparing my career as a writer.  Of course, I’m not writing anything as of this moment besides this truly entertaining blog.

Another tip was to have a website (gee, add that to my list of other websites I already have) but my webdesigner Scott Weber will either be happy about it or give a loud groan when he learns of my desire to wanting yet another website.  It just means, I have to make sure I update and proofread my current websites before they become too out of date.  I did have the idea to merge everything into a umbrella website that merged my photography and writing into “Hellriegel Creative Services” or something easier to remember like “Kevin Creative Services” or just plain http://www.Kevin.com.  The person who owns Kevin.com is just wasting that website because it doesn’t go anywhere. I’ll have to brainstorm it a bit more to come up with something good…really good.

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