Hey…it’s Friday…everything will be ok, right?

It’s Spring Break here in our house and my daughter has spent the past week in Washington D.C. with her school group. She’s an 8th grader and has really enjoyed the trip.  The tour is organized by one of the teachers that seems to love to take a group of 8th graders every year back to D. C. and do a whirlwind tour.

Only two kids have been lost.  Both of them were boys and both of them had their mothers as their mini-tour group leader.  It looks like those helicopter moms left someone behind.  That goodness they don’t work in the military.   I can’t wait to hear the whole story and then to hear their (Mom’s) version of the incident.  Of course, after I heard the stories from my daughter, I really wanted to text the moms about what happen…but I didn’t. I didn’t even post a question on Facebook about how they managed to lose their own kid.  They shall remain nameless.

Have a great weekend.  Don’t eat too many French fries!

I may have to give up the News, Facebook, and all incoming messages of Doom and Gloom.

I enjoy comedy shows and how they point out the craziness of today’s current events.  I enjoy reading Facebook posts of my friends as well.   However, I have noticed a trend of people giving up Facebook.  I can understand that.  I may have to give up on Facebook, the news, and my favorite comedy shows.  Perhaps, I will think of only rainbows and unicorns.  Keep myself upbeat.  You know what I’m talking about, right?

The news channels are telling me what is going on out there in the world.  Facebook is full of ranting and raving, hurt feelings, and cat videos.  And folks, it’s not pretty watching and reading all of that.
I should just relax with my family and not watch the news. Sit back and appreciate what I have. It’s a good plan isn’t it?

I’ll even stick to my plan of not talking about my family in my blog posts.  However, I’ll keep you informed of how my cat Mr. Whiskers is doing and how Cyndi (my imaginary stalker) is staying in the stalking business.  Maybe I’ll slip in a good story of how much I appreciate my two blog readers, my wife, and my kids.

I will continue to offer worthless advice. With the name of my blog containing “worthless advice”, it is hopefully oblivious to my two readers that this blog is meant to be funny. I know I fail at being funny, but I try.

Leave your comments below…give me some feedback on what I should be writing about.  It will only take a minute.

Oh, it’s Yard Sale Season? The Best 7 Worthless Advice Tips to make it a HUGE success!

It’s summer here and that means there are a fair amount of yard sales in my local community.  It’s like a gold rush of junk and the everyone wants to sell their treasures!  I enjoy a good garage sale like the next guy (if that guy happens to be a hoarder).  You can find some good tools, cheap books, dangerous toys, out of style clothes, and dead Nana’s ashes.

Perhaps you want to sell your Treasures?   Follow my Tips for Huge Garage Sales!

  1. Get Rid of Your Spouse and Children – You don’t want your sentimental, sappy husband or your whining kids mucking up the sales process with their cries of “But that was my favorite bike” or “I still need that hammer to fix the gate” or “I need that heart medication to survive.”
  2. Sell High Quality Items –  Sure, that is pretty easy right?  You know what sells?  Your neighbor’s stuff.  Like their brand new lawn furniture or their ECHO weed wacker.  Or that bratty kid’s bike down the street.  Just slip them into our inventory, price them dirt cheap (like your wife’s perfume), and watch the money roll in.
  3. Advertise Your Yard Sale –  Make sure to make a big sign and hot glue it to the neighbor’s car down on the corner.  Hey, if he is stupid enough to park image2his car on the public street, then it can become a good spot for a nice sign to direct traffic to your awesome garage sale.
  4. Put on Some Music – Have your nephew and his gangsta rap music group have a concert outside.  Nothing like a bunch of swear words to get those Buyers itching to buy!
  5. Selling on a Hot Day?  Some would suggest selling lemonade…I would add Vodka and get the sales party started.  Everyone knows that liquor helps to loosen up those tight purse strings.  And what could go wrong with vodka infused lemonade at 9:32 am?
  6. Need something for the Husbands to do?  Husbands get bored at garage sales.  To combat this, start a craps game in the backyard.  Everyone loves craps!  Remember the longer they are playing, the longer their wives are at the garage sale buying your stuff!
  7. All Sales Final – Don’t forget to remind your customers that all sales are final.  They are stuck with your treasures now!

After those final customers sober up, you can get rid of the reminder items on Craig’s List for FREE!

Do you have some awesome tips or a story to share?  Leave them in the comments below!

 

 

 

 

Why I hate Grocery Stores, Children, and Old People

Yesterday, my wife convinced me to go to the local grocery store to purchase ingredients for dinner.  Normally, I don’t mind making a quick stop at the grocery store because I’m fairly familiar with the store layout and I’m in and out in a few minutes. Well, on a normal day, I would have been in and out. Yesterday, it was POURING down rain (I know that is a major surprise in Seattle), the store was unusually crowded on a Saturday afternoon, people were parking like dumbasses, and I was in a (slight) hurry.  All of these factors mean that my trip would be doomed from the start.

Please note, I’m middle age myself and I go with the flow. Some might call me old. I don’t get upset with traffic; I just accept it. I know that it does no good to rush around the store just to gain 30 seconds, push old folks out of the way, and get out of the store just a little faster.  It doesn’t work to be a jerk.

But then again, maybe I should have rushed because the other customers in the grocery store were just pissing me off.

I just want to tell people: “Please, just move your cart out of the way. I’m just trying to buy some tomato sauce.”  It isn’t that much of a challenge to be courteous to other shoppers, isn’t it?

“Oh, please, could you walk a little slower for me?” This is what I’m thinking to the old guy in front of me…I know that is terrible but he was weaving back and forth.  Just pick a lane, please, pick a lane before I shove you into the potato chip display.

Then, I have to deal with a guy that parks his grocery cart in the middle of big aisle. It wasn’t a small side aisle. It was one of the major aisle where everyone walks through. This aisle is already blocked by the grocery store’s dairy employee’s huge cart, and then I have to watch another grandpa slowly pushing his cart with his granddaughter in tow (who just stared at me like a zombie).  I know she was thinking “Hey, I don’t care that your wife sent you to the store, you are on toddler time now.”  All I can think is that I’m just want some French bread…just MOVE!

So I get my bread, I’m headed to the check stand and there are four checkers. Yes! I can’t do the 15 items or less line; that’s ok. I pick a line. And now Murphy’s Law kicks in. My line turns out to be the slowest line.

Side note: I usually pick a male cashier. They tend not to talk as much as female cashiers and their line moves faster.  This theory was proven wrong yesterday.

Mr. Chatmaster Chad decided he would scan an item, comment about the item, chat about the item, then finally give the item to the bag boy to actually put in the bag. I was totally tricked and deceived. As the other lines zoomed by, I just stood there. I knew I should jump lines but I was in that state of denial.  You know, that thought that I was almost there, so close, my items almost to the scanner…almost….there…  Chatmaster Chad can’t possibly go any slower, right?

I’m pretty sure Chatmaster Chad found a way. The discussion about that cool new microbrew? It happened.  I’m pretty sure my teeth were ground down a bit more just standing there.

I know. I’m a horrible person. This situation isn’t that bad. But I just wanted to tell them to shut up and get the transaction done.  I just wanted to go home.  I wanted to get my groceries and get out of there.  Does that make me a terrible person?  Probably not.  I was calm and didn’t throw a temper tantrum.

Don’t you love long lines?  I know I do!

Thanks for allowing me to vent.

Last Minute Costume Ideas for Halloween

This morning, I did some quick brainstorming ideas for your last minute costume rush!

1. Overzealous Sports Fan: just wear your favorite team’s jersey and paint your face.  Scream at all times and talk about how the next week is going to be awesome when we crush our rivals on Sunday!

2. Disenfranchised Employee: Have that look of discontent across your face, shake your head, and carry your coffee cup around.  Mumble how the company is going to shit and no one cares anymore.

3. Pissed off Dad: basically the same as Disenfranchised Employee but replace coffee cup with a bottle of beer (or glass of whiskey).  Ask when the hell these kids are cleaning up their mess.

4. Douche Bag Frat Boy: wear a Tank Top with some Greek letters, some dark sunglasses, carry a red solo cup, and say “Bro” at the start AND end of every sentence.  Bro, you know what I mean, bro?

5. Wear a very short skirt and be a “sexy” whatever.  Wear the apporiate color skirt for the costume: white for nurse, red for firefighter, black for witch, etc. Skirts can be mixed in with Overzelous Sports Fan to make Sexy Overzelous Sports Fans. Flashing your breasts to random strangers is optional, especially if you are a man.

6. Prescription Drug Mom: just grab that Zoloft and float through life. Start a sentence and just never let it finish….. 

7. Overworked Mom: Frazzled hair, disconnected husband, multiple children, minivan, attempt to balance career and home life. Optional: “surprise baby”. You know the one that was the “oops” kid…but you forget that one at home….

8. Hipster: wear a goatee, mismatched clothes, bowling shoes, white T-shirt with vest, and a fedora. Basically, every male movie friendzone character you have seen for the 1980’s.

9. Inappropriate Sexual Comments Guy: Just sneer and jeer at all the women at the party, add in at the end of every conversation “That’s what she said.”  Then talk about how big those “melons” are. If you like to have your face slapped, pinch a few ladies’ butts and see what happens.

10. Absentee Father/Baby Daddy: This guy is at every party….he just isn’t there.

Pig out and enjoy your kid’s candy! 

 

How to Foil the T-Shirt Thief: Decoy Shirts

Image from http://www.mainstreetts.com/t-shirts.jpg
  Who wouldn’t be insane witImage from http://www.mainstreetts.com/t-shirts.jpg

I have a T-shirt thief in my house; my T-shirts have become her pajamas and I only get to see my old friends as I do the laundry.  However, I have a clever plan to foil this T-Shirt thief.  Well, more like limit the shirts she decides to use.  I have a decoy drawer of shirts!  To give you a little history of men and their love for T-Shirts, I have two drawers of T-shirts (Tee Shirts).  Why two drawers? I have two drawers because everyone knows men NEVER throw their T-shirts away.  Unlike my worthless advice, my T-shirts never become worthless.  If a man does get rid of a T-shirt, it is clearly a mistake or an accidental lapse of sanity.  Who isn’t insane with your T-shirt collection is in consent danger of being stolen?

Keeping that in mind, I put all of my least favorite shirts in the top drawer and move my nicer shirts to the bottom drawer.  We won’t talk about the other stack of T-Shirts in my closet; those are back up T-Shirts and we don’t need to talk about those.  Then there is the guest closet with the T-shirts that I only wear during the winter months because clearly they are used underneath my sweaters.  Those T-shirts aren’t allowed to mingle with the summer T-shirts.  Everyone knows Summer T-shirts have sarcastic sayings so you can express your brand of humor to the world and show everyone how clever you are.

Now, I have my T-Shirts in two drawers which allows the thief to use my least favorite shirts as pajamas.  She ALWAYS gets the T-shirts from the top drawer, thus never accessing the bottom T-shirt drawer.  So the good T-shirts go in the bottom drawer.  She gets to use some of my T-Shirts and I get to keep my favorites hidden away in a safe location.  It’s a fair deal, right?

Organizational Tip: Instead of stacking your T-shirts one on top of another, put them sideways in your drawer.  This way you can see the different colors of shirts quickly.

Another Tip: Always organize your shirt drawer by color.  All the red shirts go together, blues, greens, etc.

I think I failed to make this a worthless advice blog post with those two awesome tips.  Oh well….

Summer Camp with the Boy Scouts at Camp Meriwether SUMMER 2015

Sure, we look good now....but wait until we return!
Sure, we look good now….but wait until we return!

At the end of June and beginning of July, our Boy Scout Troop headed down to Camp Meriwether located near Tillamook, Oregon. This was our third year there and this was probably my last Boy Scout summer camp. It was a bittersweet trip. Sure, I complain about summer camp and how the kids behave, their lack of good hygiene, and the sleeping conditions (hey, it’s not my comfortable bed at home). Don’t get me started about how far I have to walk to use a shower or flush toilet. But it is Boy Scout camp; not a hotel on Kauai.

This being my final summer camp, I had a pretty mellow attitude. I gave all the scouts and adult leaders (of our troop) custom paracord bracelets (made by one of our scouts) as a gift. I believe most of the scouts liked them. Of course, one of the older scouts took his apart to make a clothesline. So much for my $6 gift lasting forever and bringing fond memories of camp back to him. I found this was a bit annoying considering how long it takes to make the bracelet and that I paid for it.

Custom Troop 480 Paracord Bracelet
Custom Troop 480 Paracord Bracelet

Of all the times we have gone to Camp Meriwether, we have had some great weather. Cool and comfortable during the evening, not a lot of bugs (due to our campsite location), and not blazing hot during the day. Meanwhile back in the Seattle area, they had record high temperatures and it was uncomfortable. Sometimes, it is nice to get out of town.

Highlights: The scouts had fun building sand castles during the beach party. Some of the scouts and leaders did the Polar Bear swim on Thursday morning.  I averaged 22,000 steps per day and didn’t have my daily ice cream thanks to my friend Dan who was on a “camp diet”.

Overall, it was the best summer camp I have been to as a leader. It makes me almost want to go back next summer….almost.Right on the beach! Evening Flag ceremony Father and Son time!