Category: writing

Ten Great Reasons why I hate Frosty the Snowman

~ K ~ 8 Comments

This is actually the first time I have re-posted one of my blog entries.  However, it was requested by one of my three followers so I thought to myself (as I talked to my cat out loud): Why not post it again?

 

Ten Great Reasons why I hate Frosty the Snowman!

It is the Christmas season and the wonderful time of holiday TV specials has begun.  I like most of the Christmas TV specials like Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer, Santa Claus is Coming to Town, the Grinch who stole Christmas, etc.  However, the one Christmas Special I can’t stand is “Frosty the Snowman”.

  1. Really what is Frosty the Snowman?  He is a bad LSD trip of some whacked out meth head.  The only redeeming quality of Frosty the Snowman is Andy Griffith is the narrator of the cartoon.  The rest of it I hate.
  1. Frosty always says “Happy Birthday”.  Really?  What is he a homeless bum who thinks every day is his birthday?  Is he too drunk to remember it isn’t everyone’s birthday?  Does he need a reason to drink?  “Oh, it’s someone’s birthday!  Let’s go out to Appplebee’s and get wasted!”  That one saying drives me nuts.  “Happy Birthday?”  It’s winter and almost Christmas, I’m not thinking of your birthday, I’m thinking about Christmas presents, Christmas cookies, and egg nog.
  1. He is a cry baby whiner.  There is a scene where he is all sad that the kids are leaving to go back home.  Oh, poor homeless snowman.  Jeez, stop your whining.  Man up, build a snow house and make a snow dog to keep you company.
  1. He sleds by just getting on his belly and sliding down a hill.  Seriously, we all know that Frosty would be jumping on his belly, knocking the wind of his snowman lungs, and cursing up a storm for being so stupid.  He would be doing a belly flop into three inches of snow.  Don’t you think that would hurt?  Darn right it would.
  1. And really, Frosty wouldn’t be sliding down the hill.  Instead, a big pile of snow would build up right in front of Frosty and he would stop in three feet.  Frosty isn’t going anyway fast.
  1. Frosty is just a homeless bum.  After the kids go home to their families or single mothers.  He just wanders around after dark without a purpose…just like the guy who lives under the overpass.
  1. And do I darn mention the sequel “Frosty Returns”.  Do we really need more of Frosty’s inane drunk babblings of “Happy Birthday”?
  1. Frosty promotes smoking.  In this day and age of Political Correctness, why hasn’t someone digitally erased his corncob pipe?  Seriously, if they can change E.T., then they can change Frosty.  It’s a cartoon!  It can’t be that hard.
  1. Frosty likes little kids….too much.  He hangs around kids all day long in a nice pedophile way.  Creepy just like Michael Jackson and his “Jesus Juice”.  Next thing we know Frosty will want to invite the boys and girls over for a nice sleepover in his snow bed.  Just plain creepy.
  1. And in the song, doesn’t Frosty die?  Sure, he melts away and in a Star Trek world he comes back.  But in the lame TV holiday special he makes it to the North Pole with Santa and lives on?  This is all after he puts Karen into life threatening situations (like the refrigerator train car).  Karen takes a long trip ride in a freezing cold refrigerator car were most people would be a Popsicle at the end of the trip.  Hell, why can’t Karen be a normal kid that just sticks Frosty on the train, sends him on his merry way, and forgets about him in 10 minutes?

Frosty the Snowman sucks.  This is one holiday special I wish was lost forever in the depths of CBS television studios.

 

Oh Man, Where are the Followers and What Do They Read?

~ K ~ 4 Comments

The other day I was reading a blog posting about how one of the bloggers I follow on WordPress just got his 11,000th follower on his blog.  In July 2013, he only had 6,000.  He wrote a brief “success” blog about how and what he did to reach 11,000 followers.

I am a bit jealous of his success. In his humble opinion, he isn’t the world’s best writer or blogger. His blog is so poorly written it is hard to read and gives me a headache.  I want to take my red ink pen out and correct it like a murderer/slasher on a 1990’s flick.  A lot of his problems are due to the run on sentences, bad sentence structure, and terrible grammar.

Yet, he has some great stories and 11,000 followers so I can pretty much suck it, right?  I have measly 400 or 500 followers so I really can’t say how to build up a huge following, can I?  Of course, my blog is built on Worthless Advice so maybe I’m killing myself and my blog?  He spins his tales like a drunken sailor (his description of himself) and people love it.  Imagine what he could do with a ghost writer living on Kauai?

What is the secret to his success?  He uses a bunch of tags that the magic internet search engine spiders love and brings in his type of readers (followers).  Even if his blog post has nothing to do with those tags, he still uses the same tags and categories over and over again.  Now, I’m not sure he is making money online but he has written a book and has self published it.

Oh, and a lot of his terms are about sex, crime, and drugs.  His life experiences are downright scary.  So we do know what the general public is looking for, don’t we?  And I don’t have anything against others blogging and writing exactly what they want to write.  I admire anyone willing to throw themselves out there and open themselves and their writing up for the world to see.

Your thoughts and comments?

How to Make Your Husband feel Bad about having a Blog

~ K ~ 11 Comments

The other day, my wife pointed out that one of her classmates from high school was a writer and had a blog.  She mentioned that I should read it because it was not like my blog, that it was “uplifting”.  Ouch!

She also told me she doesn’t read my blog.  Double Ouch!

I enjoy mentioning this story to everyone I know because it is an excellent example of when your best client might not be your friends and family.

Certainly, some of your best clients will be people you know such as friends and family members.  However, most likely your best customers will be people who are not related to you but respect you because you do an awesome job.  They somehow discover that you are more than a stick in the mud and will get the job done and will make them happy.

My wife informed me years ago that she wouldn’t work for me because she says I’m too intense.  That doesn’t hurt my feelings in the least bit.  I also know she doesn’t do the best job for me as she could do.  She does an awesome job for everyone else but me.  What is the difference?  Why do I get average business support?

Marriage is the difference.  I know if I screw up, my wife loves me no matter what.  I also know that if I’m late, she might be mad but in the end, she loves me and knows that me being late isn’t that big of a deal.  Again, I know she’ll be pissed off but in the end she loves me.  And when she makes a mistake, I know that I can tease her about it for years to come.  We both know that that after 17 years of marriage, this is what you get.  Baby, if you wanted to end it, then you should have done it a long time ago.

We complain about each other (of course she says she never says anything bad about me but I know she has a lot to complain about.  Seriously, she is married to me!).  Every couple has there ups and downs and we are no different than any other normal couple.  If a couple says they have no problems, they are lying or one of the members is a dishrag.  Everyone has disagreements.  Claiming you get along all the time is you denying who you really are.  You are a liar.

Oh, did I hurt your feelings with that last statement?  Good.  Come to grips with reality.  If you love someone, they make a mistake, it happens.  Forgive them and move on.  If your life as a couple is so awful, then it is time to move on.  Cut your losses.

I read a lot of different types of blogs.  And if you were a good foller you’d know this, right?  I follow blogs that range  from ex-spouse horror stories, to dating horror stories of twenty somethings, to miniature horse advice stories (seriously…now that is some good stuff!).  If you want to become a great writer, you need to read a wide variety of different stories, blogs, novels, to know what is god writing and what is really bad.

Keep in mind, that I’m not a great writer or a marriage/couples counselor so my advice might be labeled as “worthless advice”.  Or perhaps it is advice that is so true to your heart you just don’t want to listen to it?

So if you were reading this blog for some worthless advice then I probably failed you greatly.  If you read this blog because I write about the truth, then you should be delighted with the reading experience.  The knowledge I have bestowed on you should keep you going for years (or at least days) to come.

As always, your comments are welcome as long as I love them.  Who are we kidding?  I’m a whore for comments….keep them coming and hit that “LIKE” button too!  Make me feel important and prove my wife that I do have some followers besides Cyndi my Imaginary Stalker!

 

Boy Scout Camp: The Torture Continues

~ K ~ 2 Comments

We just returned from another week at Boy Scout Summer Camp.  As with all the years prior to this, a few of us always think of ways we can improve our experience as adult leaders.  This is our reflection time.  This is the time when we think back and review all of our mistakes and ask ourselves “Why?  Why do we still keep doing this?”

Our view from our campsite.
Our view from our campsite.

Over the next few days, I hope to gather my notes and thoughts about summer camp.  Last year, I didn’t blog about my experience because I was lazy.  Hey, I’m honest.  It is one point in the twelve points of the Scout Law.  There were good stories there but I just couldn’t get my butt in gear to write about them.

This year I actually spent 20 cents and purchased a 70 page spiral notebook binder (it was on sale; I’m frugal).  We had our brainstorming session where no idea is a bad idea (unless I tell you it is a stupid, really, really stupid idea and why do you even think you should be talking?).  And I now have some material to work with.

These thoughts will be wrapped into a Guide Book for Assistant Scoutmasters.  A rookie Assistant Scoutmaster will definitely benefit from my vast amount of knowledge.  I’m pretty sure jaded seasoned scoutmasters will also enjoy it as well.  I’m sure all Scoutmasters will find it helpful as well because frankly, it will be awesome.

This Guide will be directly to the Assistant Scoutmaster.  I know you probably want me to write about the head honcho job: Scoutmaster.  Here are my thoughts about the Scoutmaster job: I don’t want to be writing or commenting on a job I don’t do. We’ll stick to the back up Scoutmaster’s job that I know.  A tale about taking naps and wearing flip flops.

Overall the Boy Scout camp we did this past week was a great one.  We trekked all the way from Kent, Washington down to Tillamook, Oregon and attended Camp Meriwether.

Camp Meriwether's Beach Enterance
Camp Meriwether’s Beach Enterance

Camp Meriwether is located right on the Oregon Coast and we had a truly wonderful campsite location.  Our campsite was on a bluff overlooking the beach and I must rave about how amazing the view was.  I was able to see the ocean waves from my bunk.  Each night I fell asleep listening to the waves crashing and the sounds of four scoutmasters snoring away….

We had great weather through the whole week.  Not too hot, not too cold.  We really lucked out.

As always your comments are welcome!  Put down the milkshake and hit the “Like” button!

Are You A Crazy Writer? Then maybe I’ll follow your blog!

~ K ~ 5 Comments

What Blog Style Is the Best?

 I follow a number of different blogs to give me a cross section of reading material.  Some bloggers swear, others are inspirational, some are crazy, others suffer from their craziness (mental health issues), a few are funny, and others are sarcastic like me. 

Crazy?

 Like a hobo attracted to the railroads, I love a good train wreck of a blog.  The suffering the writer has to overcome to get their feelings and thoughts into words is one of the most attractive things about writing.  My life in comparison is quite dull and drab, so I vicariously live misery through others.  Undoubtedly, this frees me up to be more sarcastic in my own personal life.

 Everyone’s time is valuable and I appreciate you reading my worthless advice blog.  Personally, my blog postings tend to go from sarcastic to informational at times.  I also try not to post just to say I posted “something”.  Of course, I could post anything, anytime because my blog has “worthless advice” in the title.  It gives me a free-for-all writing attitude.

Oh, you don’t even know the half of it!

 Of the blogs I follow, I enjoy the bloggers that have mental issues the best. This isn’t to say that you don’t have mental issues yourself; you just don’t share them enough.  The ones with mental issues allow me to step into a different world.  What is abnormal to us is normal to them and vice versus. 

 Remember when someone does something crazy or insane?  You say to yourself “What were they thinking?”  Most likely, they were crazy and that was their normal path of thinking.

 By reading crazy people’s blogs, you get to step into their head.  These bloggers gives me an insight in their craziness.  They wouldn’t blog and write about their issues if they didn’t want you to read about them.  While I may be not in the same writing arena as they are, I still like them.  I even follow a blog about a miniature horse that gives advice.  Who is more crazy…me or the miniature horse giving advice?  But I must admit, the advice is usually pretty good…..

 Thanks again for reading and enjoying my blog.

Uh Oh, Kevin is Back into his Blog….

~ K ~ 7 Comments

Oops, did I forget to blog for the past six weeks?

I must apologize for being one of those terrible bloggers that builds up a massive audience of three readers and then let’s them wonder if I will every write again.

I have a million excuses of why I did write anything on my blog.  Was it Writer’s Block?  Perhaps my life was just so busy I didn’t have time?  Or maybe I just ran out of good things to write about?

To be honest, it was a little bit of all the above items.  I usually like to make my blog entries something that just makes my three devoted readers just rave to their 30 cats about what an awesome writer I am.  Yet, I have let these folks down by not writing and thus making them think that maybe I’m not quite the amazing writer they imagine I am.

I was overwhelmed with work, the ending of the school year for my kids, and blah, blah, blah.  Life just got busier and I put my blog on the back burner.

Putting your blog on the backburner is a frightening easy thing to do.  You tell yourself that you’ll write tomorrow…or on the weekend….or next week.  And see what happens?  Six weeks later and I’m trying to reconnect with my readers yet again.

And a lot of stuff has happened in six weeks.  We had a flood at our family’s cabin, deadlines for projects came and went, we have awesome completed our front porch rebuild, we made our first summer vacation trip to Silverwood Amusement Park (and Water Park in Idaho), and we set up the pool for the summer.

I know, I know.  Pretty darn exciting stuff, huh?

My new commitment for my blog is to actually write more in July and in a summer craze of creativity I shall honor my commitment to you (my dear readers!)

Again, thanks for reading and I hope to see you commenting on how wonderful it is to have me back!

Another Self Help Lesson…for people (like you) that need help!

~ K ~ Leave a comment

FLOWERSI’m sorry if you are curled up in the fetal position this past weekend because I didn’t address your latest psychological issue.  First of all, mental illness isn’t a laughing matter.  We all know someone that suffers from a mental illness whether you understand it or not.  According to statistics I just made up, 1 in 5 people suffer from mental illness.  I know that might seem a bit low considering half your family is a bunch of drunks and the other half is dysfunctional bunch of drug addicts, but in my limited one quarter of psychology at the local junior college 20 years ago, it seems pretty legit.

Wait, I know…alcohol is a drug so basically 100% of your family is crazy but you forget to factor in my margin of error.  Since you are normal (normal because you read my worthless advice blog), then your family can’t be 100% crazy loony tunes, right?  You might be the one ray of sunshine in your family’ sad existence and I applaud you for being that one speck of normalness in a wacky uncaring family.

Now, let’s talk about you.

Since you believe that you are normal, does that mean all your beliefs are normal and those that disagree with your normal views are abnormal?  Hold on, what if you change your opinion on something?  Does that mean that your old normal is now abnormal and your new belief is the “new” normal?

Confused?  I hope so.  The reality is that you are always changing your opinion and beliefs in the endless pursuit of escaping your past and that the future is your only hope for a better you.  You believe in continuous improvement and that your updated beliefs are making you better.  And you should believe in continuous improvement.  If you don’t believe in it, you are fooling yourself.  Every article you read in a magazine, every show you watch, every ad you intake affects your belief system.

How you accept these new beliefs will determine your future.  Can you accept this?  You do know that this influences your decisions?  Of course, you know all this.  All of your experiences contribute to your decisions you make now and in the future.  Whether they are the right decisions can be decided by your value system.  No one can tell you what is right or wrong unless it falls into your personal value system.  Your personal ethics can be a free flowing or as rigid as you want them (or need them to be).

Allow yourself to invest in your belief system and develop your future into what you want it to be.  Look back at the past and embrace what it has molded you into for it has a direct influence on your future.

You have to accept that your past was bad, it was awful, and you were wrong.  Admit that you screwed up, you were a failure, a liar, a thief, and that you hurt people that love you.  Until you accept your past, you will never change.

Accept your past, admit your failures and wrongdoing, set new goals that bring about continuous improvement, and get on with your life.

Now is the time to chime in with your thoughts and feelings.  Boost my fragile ego and encourage my narcissistic nature with your comments (good and bad)!

Kevin the Dream Killer

~ K ~ 6 Comments

If you have a dream, a fantasy, a misguided belief in yourself (or others), then welcome to the demise of those dreams.  Allow me to kill those dreams, those dreams that you hold so precious in your heart; the ones you keep only to yourself because you know others will laugh at you.

We all have them….a dream of becoming a famous writer, an actor, a movie star.  To own a big yacht, a private tropical island, and eat whatever we want.

The truth is that most of us won’t live our dreams….boo hoo.  Isn’t that sad?  What about all those self help gurus talking about “if you can visualize it, you can do it!”?

They lied to you.  I’m not here to lie to you….I’m merely here to kill your dreams.  Is it really a dream or a self damaging fantasy you cling to as an excuse for your own shortcomings?

Let’s be realistic, shall we?  You are at your present stage in your life because of the choices you made.  You might not have wanted to be working in your career path but you are.  You thought you would have written a great novel by now but you haven’t.  You wish you were a multimillionaire but you aren’t.  Are these things you can change?

Sure, you could change them…but you won’t.  Instead you’ll complain how you don’t have enough time in the day to get your work done, you need to do this or that, you weren’t lucky in life, your family was poor, your parents didn’t love you, and your cat moved to the neighbor’s house.

You don’t need me to kill your dreams.  You have already done it yourself.  You have chosen to visualize your life exactly where it is at.  It is your destiny.  I don’t have to kill your dreams; you’ve done it already.  But to be fair, I’d love to kill them.  I’d love to throw them under the bus of life and watch the wheels crush them.  I’d love to see the horror of the people on the sidewalk see your dreams being crushed under those huge uncaring bus tires.

Where would you be when your dreams are dying?  You are one of the many passengers on the bus going along on a bus ride you don’t like.  You are sitting there calmly, looking at your IPod, listening to some song (that has nothing to do with your future) and wondering to yourself, why the bus has stopped?

The bus has stopped because you allowed Kevin to kill your dreams!  But did I really kill them?  Or did I merely point out to you that your dreams are dead underneath the bus’ tires?

Am I the cause of your failures?  The cause of the death of your dreams?  Can you honestly blame a blogger in another part of the world for killing your dreams?

So send over your dreams and I’ll kill them for you.  You can then blame your life on all the worthless advice I’ve given you over the past several years.  You know you’ll feel better when you come to terms with the death of your dreams.  And one day you’ll thank Kevin the Dream Killer and all his worthless advice.

Death of a Blogger

~ K ~ 13 Comments

Death of a Blogger…..

I follow a lot of different blogs for various important reasons (that you clearly wouldn’t understand).  Some of them are funny, others are annoying, a few are informative, and the last ones are just blogs that I enjoy the writing style and the thoughts of the author.  My WordPress Reader always offers something exciting and new most evenings.  I get multiple blog post updates in my email inbox daily (which is a whole other issue for our next therapy session).

However, one thing I don’t know much about is the death of a blogger.  All of the suddenly I’ll have a craving for a certain blog and I’ll go to that blog only to discover it is gone.  It doesn’t exist.  I’m left hollow and empty.  I think to myself (most because I’m the only person that actually listens to me) “Is  it my fault they are gone?  Did I not offer enough of my worthless advice to them to keep them motivated?  Did I not write enough for them and they lost their inspiration?”

Alas, it is an extremely tough burden to carry when you inspire an imaginary stalker and your mother to keep reading your blog for guidance.  What if I wasn’t posting enough and that is why that blogger gave up?  I mean, I let them down and their blog is no more, gone, shut down, lying in the dust of the internet desert of shifting trends and topics.  The front page isn’t even their last entry; it is merely an uncaring generic WordPress page stating that the blog no longer exists.

I really want you to understand is that you can come to me first before you eliminate your blog.  I want you to let me know, if you plan to kill your blog.  If you think your creativity has died, perhaps your life isn’t crazy or insane enough, maybe your ten cats have left you for the neighbor with the endless supply of tuna (albacore not the crappy dark meat stuff),  or your latest quilting project didn’t work out (I love the fruit coasters), you can drop me an email and I’ll help keep you going.  Heck, I’ll even do a guest post on your blog so you have some content (worthless advice but content nevertheless).  That is the kind of self serving kind of worthless advice dispensing, fake therapist/writer/self help guru I am.

Keep the comments coming on my worthless advice blog posts.  I need the ego post so my blog doesn’t shut down in a fit of rage or a big sissy crying fest.  Either one would be most unpleasant and cause undue stress to my already fragile ego.  So click the “Like” button and then go a step further and leave a witty comment.  Oh, and leave your website link and I’ll link it back to your blog so you feel loved.

Are your kids ready to party like rock stars?

~ K ~ 2 Comments

It’s 12:15 am and the kids are bored.  Sure, some parents would say that they should be in bed asleep but I disagree.  Is that really preparing your children for the future?  How will they ever be able to stay up all night and party like rock stars if they are asleep by midnight?  Doesn’t the party just get started around 11 pm?

To encourage the children to go to sleep, I like to read them the latest Department of Labor Statistics report about the recent drop in the U.S. employment rate.  Of course, the authors were a bit off the mark with their lack of taking into account the discouraged workers that aren’t included in the report’s figures.  However this report did help to push the Dow Jones (and my heart rate up) to the 15,000 mark.

If that doesn’t put the little buggers to sleep, I usually like to talk about my bad experience at the local coffee shop where the coffee shop was out of my favorite flavor.  Whoa.  Hold on.  It is a bit unsettling for the young minds of today and it does threaten their fragile belief in the miracles of coffee shops on every cover.  What injustice is it that one can’t rely on their local coffee shop in this crazy world?  It’s like not having the sun appear in the eastern sky every morning.

I try to avoid things that would give the kids nightmares.  Like the time I had to park way out in the south parking lot of the mall and walk in a light Seattle rain drizzle without a hat!  You have to have boundaries when it comes to storytelling.  It is a thin line between an educational lesson and a nightmare that haunts you forever.  Be careful when you talk about how your latte was too foamy or not quite hot enough.  Children’s young minds are very impressionable.

If all else fails at getting your kids (or the kids that other parents dumped on you) to sleep, start making a list of all the chores you’ll be doing the next day with them.  You might as well make this time into a proactive and productive planning meeting.  Nothing else says I’m a winner than a very long “To Do List” written in purple color crayon on an old PTA newsletter.

vacuum-4Dust off the old broom and rev up the vacuum cleaner, we have a house to clean and dreams to ruin!