Kevin Hellriegel's Blog of Worthless Advice

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Tag Archives: douche bags

Let’s Kill the Leprechaun – Tips for a Successful St. Patrick’s Day!

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Yippee!  It is St. Patrick’s Day, the day second only to Halloween for a day where you can get drunk, dress in a bad costume, and act like a fool!  Well, to be clear….I usually make a fool out of myself on Valentine’s Day and National Hot Tub Day (why isn’t National Hot Tub Day a Federal Holiday yet?).  However, back to the point of this worthless advice blog…St. Patrick’s Day.  In the good old United States of America, we all become Irish on St. Patrick’s Day (March 17).

Lucky for you, I’m part Irish so I can offer my three blog readers and my imaginary stalker Cyndi (who wears sunglasses on the darkest, winter, overcast days) great advice on St. Patrick’s Day.

Tips to be the Best Fake Irish Person You Can Be:

  • Randomly yell “Kill the Leprechaun” when you are out at the bar, drinking with your non-Irish friends.  Wear a green wig…everyone likes people that wear wigs.
  • You can also yell “Kill the Leprechaun” at your child’s school.  Make sure you have singled out that redhead music teacher (no one likes her anyway).
  • Get a Redhead Spouse….just make sure she isn’t the music teacher you just made fun of.
  • Make EVERYTHING green…green…green!…make green pancakes…….make green beer…make green cats….

food-PANCAKESgreengreen-beer-2103313cat-GREEN

  • On St. Patrick’s Day, You should always talk in a stupid “Irish” accent….or a “Scottish” one or an “English” one….no one in America can really can tell the difference anyway.  Just say “Top of the Morning!” to everyone.
  • Wear cheap plastic shamrock necklaces.  Everyone likes it when the “Made In China” necklace breaks, and those stupid beads and shamrocks are all over the floor, making you slip and fall.
  • Wear your green throng underwear (I’m talking to you gentleman readers.  Ladies, you can wear whatever you like).  Heck, ladies you can even enter a St. Patrick’s Day bikini contest!  Nothing puts the “Saint” back into St. Patrick’s Day like a visit to a bar in a bikini!  Click on this link for a Bikini bar video!
  • Drink Irish whiskey…or wine…green beer…or whatever…it doesn’t matter…just be that annoying douche bag who drinks too much.  Kind of like how you are every other day of the year, annoying…and drunk…but really just annoying.
  • Oh, don’t forget to wear something green….like the lettuce you have stuck in your teeth.  Nothing like getting your vegetables and sadness all in one day.

But you know something that rocks on St. Patrick’s Day?  This Lego video!

And if you just need to mellow out…enjoy this video!

You wasted your St. Patrick’s Day reading this blog, but at least you helped me get my readership numbers up.  And be happy that I didn’t make this post into a history lesson.  Leave me a comment or a link to a funny cat video.  Please, and write in an Irish accent…

One more video…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Best Spring Break Tips and Memories of Bullies in Elementary

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Remember when you were a kid and you looked forward to Spring Break? Any break from school is a great one when you are a kid. I didn’t hate school as a kid but I wasn’t rushing to be there either. As a kid, I’d much prefer to be at home playing in the backyard with my friends than being stuck at school. Plus in elementary school, you only get recess to have any real fun. The rest of the time is a mix of math, spelling, and getting your face whacked in a “safe” game of dodgeball.

My kids will never experience the stunning pain of a red playground ball hitting their face by the classroom bully. I clearly remember this dick named Cliff that love to whack your face by “accident”. He had a equally douch bag sidekick named Steve. And Cliff always picked on the poor fat kids last. I luckily wasn’t fat but I was still eliminated fairly quickly because I move like a wounded gazelle. To this day, I’m not known for my quickness in sports. Hey, if you need me to run interference, I can do that. Just don’t hand me the ball for the game winning shot because I’ll miss it for sure. That is how good of a player I am!

Getting back to Cliff, our resident bully at Stevenson Elementary in Bellevue, he always would let the fat kids survive until the end for his own enjoyment. Then he’d throw the hardest he could and just nail that kid. The kid had no hope of moving in any direction to save his ass. Sometimes it was a shot to the head, sometimes a full on blow to the stomach. Poor bastard. Can you imagine the pain of that playground ball hitting your stomach at full speed? Or a shot to the head as you bob and weave in the hopes that Cliff the bully dick from the apartments somehow misjudged this one throw? Ouch!

I was so happy that Cliff and Steve went to the other junior high after we were done with middle school. I’m sure they both had a great time smoking pot and beating up kids at Highland Junior High. Cliff is probably either in jail or a cop by now. Either way, he is a dbag and Steve is probably one as well.

Somewhere in this post was going to be some good advice about Spring Break. If you are traveling by plane, make sure you carry an extra pair of clean clothes in your carry on baggage if possible. You never know when you might be stuck somewhere without your luggage. I is definitely nice to be able to change into something clean if you get stuck in some two bit airport on the south side of Omaha.

So that is my rambling post for today. Hit that like button and post a comment on the bottom. Make me feel that Cyndi (my imaginary stalker) isn’t the only one reading my blog.

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