Category: Humor

What’s Up in the Attic? A big case of “None of your Business!”

~ K ~ 5 Comments

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A rousing tale of two friends who shouldn’t be snooping around in the attic.  You know why?  Because that is where Grandpa keeps the dead bodies and his moonshine still….a ruckus ensues and general mayhem.

Some dead prostitutes, a demon spirit, and the missing box of Girl Scout cookies are just some of the things, these two adventurers find in the attic.

I give it a 2.3 stars out of a possible 5 stars.  Need more graphic violence to make the story flow faster, hopefully, I think your toddler will give it a double thumbs up.

 

 

Moron or Mentor…your choice!

~ K ~ 4 Comments

Sometimes, you need a little guidance and direction in your life.  You feel a little lost?  Perhaps you need a little direction in your life?  Do you have that nagging feeling that you aren’t headed into the best years of your life?  In my vast time surfing the web, scrolling through thousands of tweets, and reading numerous Facebook posts, I see a common thread of having good mentors in your life.  However, are we listening to Mentors or Morons?

Yes, the good old mentor, a beacon of guidance and coaching that can help lead us on a path of success.  Of course, reading my worthless advice blog won’t help you in the least bit, but that’s ok with you, right?  You need someone to listen to and it might as well be me, right?

You could argue that my advice is pretty solid on a number of issues like business, family life, and how to keep your imaginary stalker Cyndi happy, but my cat Mr. Whiskers might disagree on my cat raising skills.  Perhaps that is where the moron part comes in?

In your everyday life, you will come across people with great ideas, smart as a whip, highly intelligent.  And then other times you come across people that are complete morons and you wonder how they are still alive.  The most annoying mentors are the ones that seem pretty dumb yet they somehow have a huge following and make money.  How is it possible?  I don’t understand it.  My blog of worthless advice is a joke but I spew out the same nonsense they do, and non of my three followers have made me rich. (Cyndi my imaginary stalker doesn’t have a lot of money….)

Mentors and gurus are people we look to for guidance on how to live our lives or to run or business.  We can also throw in the term Life Coach because frankly I haven’t a clue what the hell they do anyway.  I should become a Life Coach or a Guru (after I repackage a bunch of old self-help programs as my own).  I’d be awesome at it.IMG_7749.JPG

Either they are brilliant or the they are morons and the line between the two is very thin at times. Much like my blog is based on what I loosely term as “advice”.  That’s why most of the posts are worthless.  But it is a worthless advice blog.

My Mentor/Guru motto: Get out there and roll around with the bears and butterflies! (Another phrase I invented that I’m sure will become an internet sensation!)

“Get out there and roll around with the bears and butterflies!” means whatever I need it to me at the time someone decides to ask me about it.  I’ll be vague and talk about mentors.  It will be prefect.

Ah, another successful “life” post!  Have an awesome day my readers!

Costco Shopping Cart Rage – Why am I not in Jail?

~ K ~ 3 Comments

We all have road rage once in a while. You know what I get? I get shopping cart rage. I feel like the Incredible Hulk. You know what the Hulk does? He smashes things. I just want to take my cart and smash it into the people around me. I am the most frustrated when I’m shopping at Costco. Don’t get me wrong, I love Costco. I just hate the people that shop in Costco.Shopping Cart Neme for Blog Post

Of course, one might argue I have Intermittent Explosive Disorder but I don’t carry out my crazy thoughts. I just imagine doing them.

Let’s go over some Shopping Cart Pushing Etiquette:

  1. While pushing your cart and you want to stop and look at something, get the hell out of the way. Don’t stop in the MAIN aisle. Just pull that cart into one of those side aisles, then walk back and look at the item.
  2. Don’t walk slowly (like you don’t know where you are going) at Costco. You’ve been to this suburban Costco 345 times before (unless you are a tourist in Hawaii) and you know exactly what you want. Go find that big tub of ice cream and that mega pack of filet mignon and get it in your cart. Move quickly; those steaks aren’t going to fry themselves.
  3. Oh, you just saw your friend you haven’t seen in a week? Don’t have a conversation in the middle of the MAIN aisle. Again, use a side aisle. Get your two carts (that are blocking 75% of the main aisle) out of the way. Use some common sense.
  4. Don’t want to take your cart in the big vegetable or dairy cooler? That’s OK…just don’t leave it in the entrance, parked in everyone’s way. Do you think this a good spot to park? Do you see anyone else parking their cart there? No, you don’t. Park it on the side where everyone else parks.
  5. Don’t park your cart sideways…ever. You don’t need to pretend that your cart broke down while making a left turn. You aren’t driving a car. Get the cart out of the way.
  6. Don’t park your cart in the middle of the aisle and leave less than a cart width on either side. I can’t get past you. Oh, but trust me, I’ll try. I’ll get going at a fast clip and sideswipe your cart like a drunk driver on the interstate. Don’t test me.
  7. Finally done shopping? Then head to the cashier. See all the lanes ahead of you? Pick a lane. It doesn’t matter which lane, just pick one. Commit to that lane and stay there. Your cart is full of frozen waffles and buckets of laundry soap… it’s heavy; don’t jump lanes.

I know the people that should be reading these tips aren’t reading them, but do your part and send this blog post to them. Share the information, be part of the solution.

 

Intermittent Explosive Disorder

Windows are for Winners! (and that’s why I’m sitting here by the window!)

~ K ~ 9 Comments
Image courtesy of Alaska Airlines (whom should be sponsoring my blog)
Image courtesy of Alaska Airlines (whom should be sponsoring my blog)

On my recent trip to the Big Island, I left a few days before my wife and travelled by myself. Like many others, I love to take vacations and fly in airplanes. I enjoy sitting, looking out the window at the clouds, think about my cat Mr. Whiskers, enjoying the landscape below, with the knowledge that in a few hours, a new adventure awaits for me. When my wife and kids travel with me, I give up the window seat to one of them. I’ll get stuck on the aisle seat or the middle seat (I’m usually stuck in Coach because this blog isn’t a national success as of yet and I can’t afford First Class).

So, the highlight of the flight was when the little kid next to me wanted to look out the window. He asked his mom if she would ask me if I could change seats to the aisle seat.

What? First of all; man up kid, you are five years old…talk to me yourself. Stop being a whiner. Second, I don’t want to sit by the aisle because I know this kid and his mother will have to go to the bathroom 15 times during the flight, Third, the flight attendant will bump my elbow EVERYTIME she goes by with the drink cart, Finally, you know some lady will need to get something out of the overhead bin (right above my head), it will be too heavy, and she’ll drop it on my head (thus awaking me up and annoying me). Just leave me alone.

I turned to the kid, raise my left hand, slowly pulled the shade down, and said to the kid.

“Windows are for winners and you aren’t a winner.”  Then, with a smile on my face, push the “Play” button on the podcast I was listening to (“How to be a Sarcastic Jerk Podcast Episode 167), closed my eyes and started my vacation.

(if you haven’t figure this out by now…this didn’t happen…work of sarcastic fiction…well, the flight and vacation to the Big Island did happen).

Again, why hasn't the Royal Kona Resort asked me to blog for them?
Again, why hasn’t the Royal Kona Resort asked me to blog for them?

Crazy Teacher Night- Spanish Teacher Introduction

~ K ~ 7 Comments

Bueno Dias!  Ya, that’s about it for my knowledge of Spanish.  But for some reason, my son’s Spanish teacher thought she should give her Parent’s Night speech in 80% Spanish and 20% English which equals 100% Annoying!  Now, I admire someone who wants to flaunt their foreign language ability as much as the next guy, however, I would like to understand what the heck you (the teacher) are saying.  Really, when I’m in your classroom (wasting my time), listening to you rambling on in Spanish, I’d like to know what the hell you are saying.  If I wanted to listen to an all Spanish dialogue, I’d flip on one of the many Spanish cable channels. (On a side note, why are the Spanish actresses so hot looking?)

Most of the other parents present,  were just as confused as myself, no doubt thinking that perhaps they were suppose to be fluent in Spanish BEFORE their child took her class.  Maybe they should know spanish so they could understand what she was yelling at us about.  (Why do Spanish teachers always seem like they are yelling?)

I’m was only in her class to see her grading system and how much percentage she allotted to homework points (grade) versus quiz and test points.  However, since most of her speech was in Spanish, I really don’t know what my son will be learning (besides Spanish…I hope).  I’m still not sure how she grades.  Maybe after I become fluent in Spanish, I can ask her.

There was a Question & Answer session at the end of the class period, and it took all my sarcastic willpower to not ask a question in German.  I just want to ask her ANYTHING in German, then when she said she didn’t speech German and didn’t understand, I could say “Exactly. You don’t speak German, I don’t speak Spanish, but we both speak English. Perhaps next time you could speak English and all of us could understand you.”

But I didn’t because I’m trying not to be “that” parent.  You know the parent that the teacher (and everyone else) hates.  And because the teacher hates the parent, the student gets a bad grade and the teacher acts like a jerk to kid.  My poor son has enough problems dealing with me, he doesn’t need a pain in the ass Spanish teacher bugging him as well.

So I bit my tongue and rolled my eyes in a passive aggressive way.  Then I decided to blog about it and express myself so my three followers know how upset I am.  I’m sure Cyndi (my imaginary stalker), my mom, and Mr. Whiskers are equally upset.

Enjoy your Friday! 

 

Oh, I’m sorry, did you say something about how I talk?

~ K ~ 15 Comments

I’ve been having problems with certain “words” in my life.  I’m making the effort to eliminate the following words and phrases:

Basically

Actually

Technically

….And something

… And stuff

I think…

I’ll try….

Let’s get into the meat of the situation, we all have phrases that we say that begin to drive us crazy. My least favorite is my habit of saying “and something”. 

For example:

“The battery is very large and something.”  Of course the battery is “and something”.  I feel like a dork every time I say it.  Please, help me stop the use of the “and something”.

And like Yoda says I shouldn’t “try”, I should “do” it.

Instead of me saying “I’ll try to mow the lawn.”

No, instead “I will now the lawn.” (Unless it is raining….who wants to mow the lawn in the rain?).

In an effort to be specific, I’m switching to:

I will….

Don’t forget about “basically”.  I recently started to listen to the radio show “Loveline” again (via podcast) and every time someone says “basically”, they ring a bell. Now, everything time I hear the word “basically”, I hear that bell go off in my head.  I have been conditioned just like Pavlov’s dog; I hear the word “basically” and the bell goes off.  Now where is my treat?

“And stuff”

I use “and stuff” when I’m talking and it is annoying. I wouldn’t write it but I find myself saying “Here comes Clark with the report and stuff.” Really?  That just came out of my mouth?

Please don’t get me wrong; I’m not trying to come off as a snobby speaker of the English language. I’m a terrible speaker and mispronounce words all the time (I blame my parents….but who doesn’t blame their parents for all their problems?). I’m focusing on my own poor speech patterns and phrases. For pete’s sake, this blog isn’t about you, ok? These items are things I want to fix about myself. And who says I can’t change (besides my wife and kids?).

One more that I don’t use but I hate:

Honestly and To be honest with you….

“Honestly, I don’t know what you mean that I crashed the car.”

“To be honest with you, I’d never eat the last cookie.”

You weren’t honest before?  I don’t use those word phrases but they drive me crazy when I hear them.

So basically (ding), I’m trying to tell you that I need to work on myself and stuff, so that I think I can become a better person and something.

Actually, that was painful to write and then read.

Have a wonderful day! 

 

Oh, by the way, Valentine’s Day is tomorrow.

~ K ~ 5 Comments

So even if you have been married a few months, a few years, or a few decades, you should get the spouse an expensive gift to show your true love. At least every time I purchase a Valentine’s Day card, I feel like I’m buying a very expensive gift. Those cards are expensive. 

However, if I don’t buy the card, I look like an insensitive jerk. Ah, well played Greeting Card company, well planned. You know even if my wife says “you don’t need to buy me anything, honey” that I’d be a fool to listen to her.  Because if I don’t buy that expensive card, I’m the husband that “forgot” about Valentine’s Day. My love is only shown through a pricey greeting card’s well polished verse of undying love, gratitude, and admiration.

Oh, and let’s not forgot about what sentiment we need to profess in this greeting card. If we go with the funny card and our spouse wakes up in a bad mood, we look like someone that doesn’t take our love seriously. But if we go with the seriously one and we are known for our funny nature, we are guilty of not being concerned about our choice of Valentine’s Day cards.   We picked a serious card because we didn’t care enough to look through the 863 different cards available.

I like the funny ones but depending on the mood of your spouse (on Valentine’s Day morning), you are risking a day…a week…a month…years of how you were an insensitive dope who chose the wrong Valentine card.

Yeah, so good luck with your card choice…choose wisely.

“Let’s Go Make Some Bad Decisions!”

~ K ~ 2 Comments

I have on my iPhone, in my notes app, a list of T-Shirt sayings ideas.  These are random sayings I think would make great T-shirts.  Some are sarcastic sayings, some are worthless advice sayings, and others make no sense at all but quite are catchy.

The title of this blog is one of those sayings. Of course, I didn’t make that one up. It appears inLet-s-go-make-bad-decisions-Women-s-T-Shirts a few movies, on memes, and in song lyrics. However, it inspires me to think of weird sayings I could add into my own personal list of clever and witty sayings. Sayings that make no sense, yet if you put them out in the world, someone would adopt it, and make it their own motto, and it would become a part of popular culture.

The hard part is trying to keep what you hear in popular culture out of your own creative thought process. If I Googled half the sayings in my little note app, I’m sure you could find them in a movie I watched, a novel I read, or a song I heard. You could copy a cleverly written prose as your personal mantra, however, give credit where credit is due.

Now, to help you in your quest to be unique as possible, here is a saying you can throw into a conversation sometime. It makes no sense, yet if the listener thinks a bit about it, it might make sense.

Today’s saying: “Just hanging out with dogs and monkeys.”

Let’s throw this into a conversation with your friend. Your friend asks you “What are you up to this weekend?” Your new answer: “Just hanging with dogs and monkeys.” Which they might think is your family…other friends…your adult soccer club. It makes them think they know what you are talking about, but they don’t. (In Australia, you might have to modify it to “dogs and kangaroos”.)

Now try it with a co-worker. They ask “How was that meeting with the marketing team?” You talk about how productive it was but then throw in “You know, after it was all said and done, it was just hanging out with dogs and monkeys.” They will either nod their head in agreement (because they think they know what you are talking about). Or they will ask you what you mean. If they ask, you can say “Certainly, you have been in the same situation.” Again, you aren’t offering a definition or an answer but does it really matter? You’ve answered them but didn’t answer them.

If you work in a school, this saying could fit into everyday school life and no one would bat their eyes. Everyone knows kids are dogs and monkeys.

Enjoy another worthless advice nugget from Kevin to get you through the day! And remember that you are just hanging out with the dogs and monkeys today.

A Visit to the Big Seattle Boat Show!

~ K ~ 3 Comments

Sometimes I come up with some odd ideas on what I should be doing with my life.  Last summer, I had the strange notion that I should be a yacht salesperson.  I honestly thought it would be a fun and glorious summer job.  Sitting at my desk at the marina, the sun shining outside, the wind gently blowing, and the yachts gleaming outside.  Rich people would just stop by, I’d take them out for a test cruise, and I’d sell a yacht a day.

Luckily, my laziness and my desire to enjoy myself kept me from a life of khaki slacks, boat shoes, and washing seagull crap off some yacht on Lake Union.

Instead of becoming a boat salesman, my son and I went to the Big Seattle Boat Show yesterday.  Now, I haven’t been to a boat show since I was a kid so this was both a blessing and a curse.  A blessing because it is extremely fun to see the variety of yachts and boats available (and this was only the ones they could bring inside on trailers).  A curse because the boats I like are in the price range of $600,000 to $900,000.  Sure, I could get by with a smaller boat but once you look at a $800,000 yacht, the $225,000 is small and not really up to your standards.  The $1.3 Million yacht wasn’t even that attractive.  I would have to pass on it.

I would also like a yacht that isn’t too big where I would need a crew to run it.  I want to be able to handle it with myself and my wife.  I know; I’m a bit picky when it comes to big boats.

I also wouldn’t mind a retired classic Coast Guard cutter or even an older working boat (tug, fishing vessel) that had some space on it.  Retrofit that baby with some modern electronics and you’d a vessel that would have some style to it, yet be fun to be on.

 

However, unless I win the Power Ball Lottery, I won’t be buying a new boat anytime soon.  Besides, who wants to worry about having to find a boat slip, fueling it up, getting through the Ballard Locks?  Am I right?

Let’s hear all about You!

~ K ~ 4 Comments

What have you been up to?

Don’t you hate that question?  Depending on the person, I always take a moment to reflect on what I have and haven’t been doing.  During this short moment of self-reflection, I have to decide whether or not I should be thinking about what I have done or what I haven’t done.  What is my mood at that particular moment….am I sarcastic? Am I excited?  Depressed?  Is the typical Pacific Northwest mood affecting me?  Is the rain getting me down?  Is my Facebook envy getting the better of me?

Today, I might say:

Well, I haven’t been posting on my blog…

Well, I haven’t been doing as much work on being a passive income (business) like I should….

I haven’t been working on my school photography business like I should…

Or preparing my business documents for my tax accountant like I should….

On the flip side, my positive outlook would make me reply in such a manner that my life is going awesome!

Well, we got our Phantom 3 drone 90% repaired!

I published two blog posts today and I’m on my way to uploading the third.

I finished the novel Doctor Sleep by Stephen King and the other three books I’m reading are holding my interest for the time being.

I’m thinking about writing a science fiction novel or even a romance novel (who careIMG_9082 (1)s that I’m not the least bit romantic…I know my book will be a bestseller!)

And today is actually sunny here in the Seattle area so I’m in a delightful mood.

So…what have you been up to my dear readers?