Category: Humor

School Conferences

~ K ~ Leave a comment

Ah, school conference half days are here and the kids are getting dismissed from school a whole three hours earlier than normal.  Yippee!  I get a whole three extra hours of fighting and disagreement among my loving children.  You don’t really know the joy of parenting until you heard the click of the car door shutting and the immediate start-up of the bickering and fighting.  The whining…let’s not forget the whining.  Music to a deaf man’s ears!

Now my darling wife insists that I am being punished for all my misdeeds and minor disagreements I had with my sister and brother over the years.  At least I didn’t sit on little brother and try to squeeze the last breath out of him, almost ending his life but I digress to a simpler time.  A simpler time of attempts to kill your sister with a well placed shove or a minor psychological torture of your brother warmed your heart.  Wasn’t it fun to tell your younger siblings that they were adopted?  The look of panic in their face as they realize they might be returned to the orphanage at anytime.

Hmm, such fond memories come flooding back whenever I hear the fighting in the backseat (remember young folk can’t sit in the front because of air bags.  Some might say I’m a bit of an airbag but let’s get back to the topic on hand).

Whoa, not another whining blog about my whining kids or my whining about them or me being a whiner…let’s stay positive..it’s an upbeat blog, right?

Now Cyndi (my former imaginary stalker but now appears to be real stalker) would probably agree that kids are the best part of parenthood.  Well, unless your son grows up to be a loser, can’t hold down a job, doesn’t know how to flush a toilet or use a toothbrush, and lives in an alterative reality where lying is an acceptable form of communication.

Parenthood, the breakfast of the narcissistic man!

 

Cyndi – my stalker lives (and I’m so excited!!)

~ K ~ Leave a comment

It’s update time for our favorite stalker Cyndi.  Rather it is update time about our favorite stalker Cyndi; whom we all thought was imaginary but has emailed me just yesterday.  Yes, Cyndi was kind enough to inform me that she is actually real.

Now, this no doubt is a huge ego booster for someone like himself who can his count readership on one hand.  Of course, how do we know for sure that I didn’t invent the supposed email/comment posting we see on my blog?  Or I’m just bringing Cyndi into “reality” myself to boost my meager readership?  Is it just a cheap trick?

Would I be that creative to inject Cyndi into the realm of reality? Or perhaps someone from Indiana University is more creative than I (which honestly is not hard to do) and helped to create the wonderful stalker that is Cyndi.

I just can’t wait to hear more from Cyndi so that we all can enjoy and share in my writing and her witty comments.  It is just more enjoyable for myself and my two readers to read my blog posts with the knowledge that Cyndi my stalker is reading it as well.  Just think, a whole new world awaits us with a special stalker/stalking relationship that will influence my writing from now on.

So sit back dear readers, read my blog (which is fantastic..am I right?  I know I’m right…just say I’m right) and enjoy my witty and thoughtful commentary on life.

Why spend time with the family?  Take a lesson from Cyndi and start stalking me!

The Mess that is known as KOTS’ bedroom!

~ K ~ Leave a comment

The other day, I mentioned to my imaginary stalker Cyndi that KOTS (King of the Slackers) had been asked to move out of house.  Now, this has been a long time coming because KOTS hasn’t done much of anything to advance his life.  His dear mother has been at the end of her rope with his behavior.  She kindly told him that he needed to move out.

Now, one of her fears that KOTS would be “homeless”.  Considering that we aren’t the only relatives in his family, it is pretty much impossible for him to be homeless.  Perhaps he could be homeless if he decided not to return to a home that evening.  Certainly his dad wouldn’t let him stay homeless and not offer him a room in his home.  For KOTS to be homeless, it would be his choice not his family’s choice.

Besides, KOTS isn’t into “changes” and “personal improvement”.  For him to make a choice like this is totally out of character for him.  His idea of “personal struggle” is the fact he doesn’t have any clean clothes to wear because he is too lazy to do laundry.  His suffering (or rather the people around him’s suffering) is the stench of his clothes.

This brings us full circle back to KOTS and KOTS’ situation: KOTS is not homeless.  He has a place to live and is doing quite fine without his mommy helping him.

The amusing thing about this whole situation is that our house is no different from before.  He still comes over and eats our food, he still takes showers here (and leaves his dirty clothes and towels on the bathroom floor), and still doesn’t flush the toilet.  It’s like he never left.

The only major difference is that I have taken the huge task of tackling the mess that is known as KOTS’ bedroom.  I’ve been cleaning this mess and it is a very scary mess.  I strongly believe KOTS didn’t know how the washing machine worked, what a garbage can was, or that dirty dishes are supposed to be returned to the kitchen.  I have found things that would make a professional garbage man puke.

I’ve made some headway in the room but it still has the smell of port-a-potty on a hot summer day.  I have managed to wash a good deal of clothes and packed them away for KOTS.  I could pack them away dirty, however, I have a hard time imagining myself doing that.  One bigger mystery is why I’m bothering packing up these clothes when they didn’t matter to KOTS before and they don’t matter to him now.   I found a pile of socks that could have been easily washed and worn again.  Yet they were in a pile just sitting there.

Instead, my socks have been disappearing for a long time and I have discovered where they have gone.  Mystery solved!  Sometimes, I’m so proud of myself!

 

Toilet Paper Rolls

~ K ~ 1 Comment

Sometimes I make the mistake of finding myself in the downstairs bathroom in my home.  Now most readers of my blog (well, the two readers that actually read my blog) are probably wondering why I’d be saying that being in a bathroom would be a mistake?  I write this because this bathroom is used and maintained by KOTS (King of the Slackers).

As you can imagine that KOTS isn’t Marta Stewart of housecleaning, or cleanliness in general, when it comes to keeping his room or the downstairs bathroom clean.    His bathroom is a cesspool of wet towels, dirty clothes, and toilets that are never flushed.  Yes, one can become weak in the knees entering this bathroom of doom.

On one such occasion, I found myself going in the downstairs bathroom only to discover that toilet paper roll was empty.  Not a big deal except a half roll of new toilet paper was sitting on the counter next to the toilet.  Now, a lot of homes have this situation yet it baffles me.  If you are sitting on the toilet, doing your business, how hard is it to change out the empty toilet roll and put in the brand new roll?  I mean, you really can’t go anywhere and the empty roll needs to be replaced.  Why not used some of your time to multi-task and get two tasks done in one sitting?  Is it that hard to re-focus for just a small fraction of your time and change out the empty roll for a new one?

Slacking is hard to do!

~ K ~ 1 Comment

Recently, Cyndi (my imaginary stalker…remember every “real” blogger has a stalker) commented that I’m not keeping up with my blog as much as I should.  One of the problems I’ve run into is that my power cord to my laptop has died and writing my blog has becoming an insurmountable task.  Now, I have to go down to my office and write on my desktop instead of wasting my life in front of my TV and writing a blog (that no one besides Cyndi reads).

Now, I did have a power cord that work until KOTS (King of the Slackers) got a hold of it.  One day, I was looking at my laptop and noticed that it wasn’t plugged in.  Strange, I thought because I know I plugged it in last night…

One can only guess that my power cord had wandered off to KOTS’ (King of the Slacker’s) bedroom.  Why the hell did it end up there?  KOTS informed me that his power cord doesn’t work anymore.  And why is this my problem, I wondered?  His original power cord doesn’t work so he was using Angie’s laptop power cord.  Now, his second power cord wasn’t working.  So KOTS has gone thru two power cords and is working on destroying my laptop’s power cord.  I see a pattern developing here….

Now, hold on.  KOTS can’t possible possess the ability to ruin things, can he?  Let’s review the evidence….

His original power cord…doesn’t work.

The power cord to Angie’s laptop….doesn’t work.

My laptop power cord…after he used it…doesn’t work.

And to top it off…his cell phone power cord doesn’t work either!  That’s four power cords he has man handled and now they don’t work.  What the hell he does with them is beyond me.  How can you mess up four power cords so that they don’t work?

Yet, KOTS assures me that he’ll buy new power cords for all of us…with what money?  Don’t you need a job to make money to purchase things?

Speaking of the job search…KOTS did manage to work a few days at Labor Ready.  They weren’t full days (baby steps people, baby steps…) yet it was a beginning.  However, KOTS has quickly forgotten that you must actually go to Labor Ready everyday if you want to actually work. 

Now, mind you, today KOTS’ mommy had to drive his sorry (almost) 19 year old ass to the dentist for phase one of his filling in the seven (7) cavities he has.  On Wednesday he’ll do the second appointment to fill in the rest.  Seven cavities!  Has he never heard of a toothbrush?  Where does all the toothpaste I buy go?  What about all the fluoride mouthwash?  Is it just expensive drain cleaner for the bathroom?

This morning, KOTS put up the biggest cry fest you can imagine about going to the dentist.  It was like dealing with a two year old.  He even claimed to have a “job interview” at a sandwich shop at 9 am in the hopes his mommy would cancel the appointment for him.

I think it is time for him to put his big boy pants on and be a tough little man!  I was told to refrain from that type of comment (hmmm, a little bit sarcastic?) when speaking with KOTS.  Only six more years until he turns 25 (that’s the average age boys move out of their mommy and daddy’s home).  Keep in mind that is an average age meaning some poor person (like me) has a kid that lives in the home for longer to bring that average up!

An Inch Of Milk

~ K ~ Leave a comment

I enjoy a nice tall cold glass of milk like the next person as long as the next person isn’t lactose intolerant.  Personally, I need a calcium dose daily to avoid leg cramps in my calf muscles.  I grew up in a home paid for by a self employed small business person so every cost directly affects the success of the household.  At meals, you took only what you could finish because you were taught to stretch the food budget by not wasting food.

I thought I had passed this helpful tip onto my children.  Like myself, my children enjoy milk and pour themselves a glass here and there.  This would be a good thing besides the fact that KOTS (King Of The Slackers) insists on leaving an inch of milk in his glass all the time.

It doesn’t matter how thirsty or hungry he is, KOTS will always leave an inch of milk in the glass.  It has been my experience that most teenagers eat and drink like it was going out of style.  Every time you chat with a parent of a teenager, they always complain that they can’t keep milk in the house.  The teenager will consume it to the last drop much like small children unatteded with a bowl of candy:  nothing will be left.  Not so with KOTS.  KOTS will always, without fail, pour a glass of milk and leave one inch of milk in the glass.  He can’t seem to finish that last bit of milk whether it is glass of milk at a restaurant or at home.

There is no rhyme or reason to this.  It however, is a fact of life much like the rising of the sun or KOTS ability to not find a job.  He will always leave the inch of milk in the glass.  You could question him about it but it is generally a waste of time and energy to do so (remember this is KOTS we are talking about).  He doesn’t know why he does it but he does it every time.  I have the strong belief that is done just to annoy me and to cause yet another tip in the balance of slacker vs. contributing member of society with slacker winning.

Someone could argue it is the nature of the teenager to do something that they know annoys their parents.  This “something” has developed into a habit.  I think it is etched in his personal habits and no matter what, he cannot and will not take that last drink of milk.  You could threaten to pour the remaining milk in his glass on his head and he still wouldn’t finish it.

I pose an economic and psychological question: If KOTS paid for his own milk, would he still leave that last one inch of milk in his class?

One will never now until he moves out in 6 years……

King of the Slacker’s Lastest Adventures

~ K ~ 3 Comments

Another day of doing nothing….

I clearly remember that after I finished my first year of college, I was working at a warehouse during the summer full time (after going to school the past year full time AND working full time) and usually got in about 10-11 hours a day of work.  I had to pay my own college tuition, car insurance, gas, and food.  I think at that time I had a pager (no cell phone in those days).  At one point, I had a second job during that summer being a lifeguard for a short summer program.  Now, I tell you to put into perspective when I tell you I really have a very hard time with KOTS (King of the Slackers) not having a job.

It wouldn’t be so bad if he just got back from a very successful year at college studying pre-med and getting a high GPA.  Instead, at 11:25 am, I get to hear a new excuse of “my stomach doesn’t feel good” and another day of not looking for work.  However, I was pleased to discover that his dear mother (my wife) listened to me and told him that IKEA was looking for workers in their restaurant.  He did manage to leave the house after a nice long shower and a good breakfast of eggs, toast, and milk (all supplied by yours truly). Supposedly he headed to the Renton IKEA to apply for a job we had to tell him about.  I’m surprised I didn’t have to hold his hand and walk him across the street to apply for the job.

A lot of KOTS’ (King Of The Slackers) life is based on “supposedly” and “allegedly” doing things that involve improving his life and looking for a job.  Supposedly, KOTS was going to clean his room….allegedly he was going to stop by our friend’s KFC (our friend’s nephew is the manager) and get a job application.  Yet this never seems to happen in his realm of reality.  In the meantime, I still end up paying and getting really, really annoyed.

It wouldn’t be so bad (at least I tell myself this) if he picked up after himself, turned off the lights, put his own dirty dishes into the dishwasher, and just pulled his own weight.  Instead, we get the pleasure of cleaning his dirty crusty dishes and burnt egg on our frying pans.  Even after I tell him to his face in the kitchen that he needs to put the dirty dishes into the dishwasher, he ignores me.

What do you think would be a good answer when I remind him to take care of his dishes?  A normal human might say “I’m sorry, I’ll do it” or simply say “thanks for the reminder”.  What do I get out of KOTS?

“My bad.”

“Oops.”

Or my favorite “I forgot.”

How the hell do you forget something I told you flipping 30 seconds ago?  If I smacked you across the head with a baseball bat do you think you’d forget that in thirty seconds?  This isn’t rocket science; it’s simply good manners.

Now one would wonder why I put up with this crap.  I really wonder why myself.  Mostly it stems from my love for my wife and my avoidance of having to deal with arguing with my wife over KOTS lack of respect and motivation.  If I was a violent individual, I really probably would have put my fist thru KOTS’ face a hell of a long time ago.

I would argue that to encourage KOTS to actually do something, one must set goals and work towards them.  If he doesn’t like it he can move out.  There is no free ride in this world, even the bus costs you something.  I’m asking for something if you plan to ride the bus.

KOTS’ mother’s fear is that when we actually put our foot down, KOTS will be so upset, he’ll move out.  Her poor 18 year old little boy will be homeless and starve to death if we put our foot down.  She seems to forget that:

  1. His father lives about 60 minutes away and has a house.  Gee, do you think he could live there?
  2. He has numerous friends that he could crash with.
  3. He could actually find a job and rent an apartment with a roommate.

Honestly, do you really think his Dad isn’t going to take him in?  Come on, let’s wake up and smell the coffee.  Let’s shift the burden over to his Dad’s household.  Hell, I’d pay for the moving van on this project.

Until next time my two readers (and Cyndi my stalker)……

Upcoming subjects:

One inch of Milk

Kevin’s Generous Moving Out Offer

Cell Phones and Left Arms

Finding a job is REALLY tough when you don’t even try!

~ K ~ Leave a comment

As you know, my stepson hasn’t had a job since he lost his job at Domino’s Pizza for “downsizing reasons”.  With unemployment at 9.5 % here in the Seattle area, it is a tough market.  Mostly likely they discovered he is just a total lazy ass that doesn’t do shit and fired his butt!  Am I being a bit blunt?  Yes, I might be but let’s face it, it isn’t even trying to find a job.  This morning he woke up at 10:44 and had no freaking plans to look for a job.

Now, I know you are thinking “Gee, lay off the kid he’s only been wearing big boy pants for the past 15 years….it’s a hard job market, he’s a loser, and has no experience….etc.”

I have a great deal of stories of how lazy old KOTS (King Of The Slackers) is and how unmotivated he is.  Let’s look at yesterday (Monday) and see how that day in the life of KOTS goes.  It really starts on Sunday evening…

Sunday night:

We (the parents) ask “What are your plans for tomorrow?”

KOTS: “Oh, I’m going to wake up early and head down to Labor Ready to turn in my application”.

The next day, he rolls out of the house (after I wake him up and “remind” him about turning in his application) around 10:20 am, and ends up screwing around most of the day, skatingboarding, and picking up underage teenage girls.  Supposedly he turned in the job application.  He and this new girl watch TV.  During his busy day of not searching for a job, he managed to eat something but heaven forbid that he put his dirty plate into the open dishwasher that clearly has space for his dirty plate.  Really, how hard is it to put a plate into an open dishwasher?  The door is open!  The dishes are dirty, there is a dishing washing soap bottle right there showing that someone had just run out of soap and went to the store to get more!  Why not take the opportunity to put the dirty dish into the dishwasher?  Is it too flipping hard?

I don’t think he was too happy when I went downstairs and told him to go upstairs and put the dirty plate in the dishwasher.  This shit really needs to stop.  He has all the time in the world but can’t keep his room or the bathroom clean, can’t put his dirty dishes away, can’t turn off ANY light in the house, and can’t find a job.  At his age, I was working FULL TIME and went to college FULL TIME.  I paid my own way thru college and I have no empathy for his lack of motivation to get a job.  Hell, I even washed my own clothes, vacuumed my own apartment, and made my own meals!

Really, why would he want to get a job?  He steals money from my business, gets money from his mother, gets a free cell phone from us (oh, he is suppose to pay), gets free car insurance from his dad (that’s another great story), and gets more money from his dad.

In the next few blog posts, I’ll visit a typical day of KOTS, the milk glass that always has an inch of milk in it (it’s amazing!), and much more!  This is just the tip of the ice berg when it comes to all the fun stories we’ll explore.  Hang on my two dear followers, it’s going to be a fun ride!

Humor and my lack of it!

~ K ~ Leave a comment

You’d think that I could find something interesting or of value at least once a day to blog about.  However, that never seems to be the case.  I can’t even keep my two readers entertained.  Thank God, one of my reader is my stalker Cyndi and won’t leave no matter what.  It is nice to be loved (or stalked) by someone.  Sadly, even my wife doesn’t read my blog or perhaps I should say happily she doesn’t read it.  I mean she has to live with me all the time so she gets my wit and humor all the time.  Pretty lucky, isn’t she?

She doesn’t think I’m very funny all the time.  In fact, she doesn’ t think I’m funny most of the time.  It is mostly my sarcastic sense of humor she doesn’t believe people understand or enjoy.  Really, people don’t like sarcasim.  I don’t believe.  People love sarcastic humor as long as it is not directed towards them.  You make fun of something or someone and you are labled a sarcastic bastard.  Oh well, you can’t be loved by everyone can you?