Category: Humor

Sex sells…but I don’t have any to sell to you!

~ K ~ Leave a comment

Hey, I had to get your attention with my snide comment about “sex”.  Yes, it is a shameless attempt to get my readership to increase by a whopping 100%!  Which isn’t too hard when you look at improving from 2 readers to 4 readers, right?

Surely, people won’t click on my blog merely because I add the word “sex” to the title.  I’m positive that they will be enticed by my witty humor and insightful comments about the world around me!  That is why my current (all two of them) readers love to read my blog!  Shouldn’t I do my best to increase my realm of influence with a shameless marketing ploy?

Of course, then we could get into the ethics of marketing…is it ok to lie to gain market share?  However, let’s not waste our efforts are futile discussions about ethics.  Rather let’s focus on increasing my readership.  If you have any suggestions, feel free to leave them in the comment section below or you can drop me an email.  If your suggestion is good, then I’ll do it, take full credit that it was my idea and my idea alone that helped to drive traffic and readers to my blog.  If your idea sucks, I promise to personally write a sarcastic reply and shame you in front of the other one or two readers that happen upon my blog.

In review, my blog would be more successful if I focused on one or two subjects: Sarcasm and Everything else in the world.

Cream Cheese

~ K ~ Leave a comment

On a recent trip to Costco, I purchase a 3 pound block of cream cheese.  My kids love to have a toasted bagel in the morning with a good dose of cream cheese spread across it, melting slightly.

Hmm, I can almost taste the cream cheese now…in fact, I could do what I did earlier today.  I got the toaster out, sliced a bagel in half, inserted the bagel into the toaster, pushed the lever down, watched the heating elements start and made my way to the refrigerator.  I stood before the  refrigerator, opened the door, and looked for the brand new 3 pound block of cream cheese….only to discover it wasn’t in the spot I left it.

Hmmm.

I started looking on each shelf (making a mental note that the fridge is a bit bare) and I can’t find it.  I open the drawers…no cream cheese in the vegetable drawer…no cream cheese in the meat drawer….hmmm…where the heck did it go?

Then it occurs to me that I must have put it somewhere stupid like in the pantry or perhaps in the cabinet above the coffee maker.  I mean, that has happened before, where you misplace a bag of chips or place a can of corn in the wrong spot…so I continue to look for the missing cream cheese.  It is a 3 pound block of cheese; it doesn’t fit just anywhere.  It has to be here somewhere!

After about five minutes of searching, I still can’t find the cream cheese.  Then I remember we had a visitor earlier that day….KOTS!

KOTS has decided to take the cream cheese home with him.  What is he going to do with three pounds of cream cheese?  Spread it over himself?  This isn’t the first time I’ve noticed things “missing” from the house.  At first I thought I just had misplaced some food items or perhaps I just didn’t buy it at the grocery store.  No, I wasn’t losing them or misplacing them.  KOTS had decided that our pantry and fridge was his own private grocery store to raid and take what he likes.  It is very annoying to put it mildly.  I wanted to make a lasagna the other day…gone.  A huge box of  36 pudding cups for the kids’ school lunches…gone.  A nice steak for dinner?  Nope…it’s gone…instead you can have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich!  Yum!  Yum!  Eat up kids!

Luckily, our food situation has stabilized and we now have food in the fridge for the time being.  Now, if I could just find those missing chocolate truffles…..

Your own worst bathroom nightmare!

~ K ~ Leave a comment

Ok, it has been way too long that I’ve submitted my two fans to my blog and I’m sorry about that.  I could give you all the stupid excuses…I’m busy at work, my kids are taking up all my time, I really like watching Tosh.0 on Comedy Central, etc.

A few of you have been asking about KOTS.  I don’t know if I have mentioned this before but KOTS was asked to leave the house by my dear wife.  Sadly, this was very tough for her to do but it was understandable.  KOTS brought it on himself with his lack of respect and his lying.

So my lack of writing about KOTS has been caused by two reasons: 1) It’s a sad situation and 2) He isn’t around to do stupid things to report.  However, this doesn’t mean he still doesn’t do a tremendous amount of things to generate numerous funny, life teaching situations for all of us to read about.

KOTS enjoys visiting our house for a number of reasons.

We have food, we have heat, we have a working washer & dryer, and we have a nice warm shower with clean towels available.  A visit from KOTS will more or less involve the above items.

We all like warm, comfortable showers and KOTS likes to use ours as long as he possibly can.  Since KOTS has moved out, the bathroom downstairs is clean, has toilet paper, the toilet is always flushed, and there are clean towels available.  KOTS likes to come back to our home and use it as a hotel.  He takes an extremely long shower (without turning on the exhaust fan…flipping a switch is just too tough for him), he doesn’t flush the toilet (ah, that just brings back so many fond memories), and his visit wouldn’t be complete without leaving his wet towel on the ground instead of placing it in the large empty hamper that is located right there in the actual bathroom.  As you can see, we have done an excellent job of making him a responsible adult!

I must admit that my parenting skills do come into question when I write about KOTS and his lifestyle.  It also brings into the “nurture v. nature” debate.  Is one a product of his enviroment or a product of nature (genetics)?  In the case of KOTS, I’m fully going to argue that it is a genetics thing!

Got too much debt? Try these sarcastic debt relief tips!

~ K ~ 1 Comment

Man, talk about a downer topic for my sarcastic sense of humor.  However, I know I have to help others out there with humor and wit.

Debt Relief Tips:

Stop spending money!  Seriously, do you really need to have that latte?  Try drip coffee out of the coffee pot in your kitchen.  Better yet, stop by  and drink his coffee and eat his donuts.

Speaking of breakfast: skip it!  Or see the example above for a free breakfast.

Ditch one of your many phone lines.  Do you need a cell phone and a home phone?  No one calls you anyway…maybe you should get rid of both.

Stop buying new clothes every week!  Seriously, if you are a married women, your husband could care less about what you are wearing.  He married you and he’s stuck with you.  You aren’t impressing him anymore.  Are you dressing up for that special guy at work?  Stop it!  You’re not a whore!

Haircuts, getting a haircut or a new hairstyle every 6-7 weeks instead of 3-4 weeks.  Again, your husband or boyfriend doesn’t even notice when you get it cut or get a new hairstyle, so why bother anyway?  Put it in a ponytail and call it good.

For guys, you know you are a moron anyway since you are spending $30 (plus tip) for a haircut every month.  I’m bald and I’m happy because I’m not wasting $360 a year on haircuts.  Who’s laughing now about being bald?

Don’t buy any new furniture just because your spouse wants to.  The kids are going to ruin it anyway by spilling soda pop and chips on your couch.  And in 12 months your wife will complain that your furniture is now “outdated”.  See, if you follow my advice you won’t be wasting money on a new furniture now or in another 12 months.

Switch to a one car family: Heck, if your wife can’t drive to the store she can’t spend money!

Internet: Switch back to dial up.  Again, if your wife and kids can’t surf the web fast, they’ll stop using the computer.  This helps to keep your wife from shopping online and stops kids from looking at porn!  Besides you have high speed internet at work: use it!

Those are your debt relief tips for today!

Psst! I final got a blog entry for you to read!

~ K ~ Leave a comment

Hey, it’s a new year and I’m finally getting around to posting a new blog entry,  what a way to build that readership up to high levels!  Maybe, I’ll get a whole two new readers.  In fact, I gave my grandma one of my old computers and made the opening page on here search engine my blog page!  Now she is forced to be one of my readers!  Only 6 billion people more to go….

What have I been up to lately?

As you know, I split my interests between photography, reading, and real estate.  Once in a while the three major interests of my life converge together in a most interesting way.  This hasn’t happened to me recently so I don’t have a great story to tell you, however, I did have one of my clients’ homes sell and close this month.  We are looking for a new home for them in the Fairwood/Renton area of Washington.  There are a great deal of homes for sale and there definitely is no lack of inventory to see.  One of our greatest challenges is finding a house with a fairly nice kitchen, a decent size backyard, and a decent master bedroom and master bathroom.  We are looking in the $300K to $430K price range.

Now, this would be easy but once you get into the upper price range, the houses do get large in size: 2800-3500 sq ft.  There are only three people in the family so that house size is extreme.  The smaller and cheaper houses tend to have less square footage and less upgrades making them less appealing.

Add   this mix falling values and overpriced homes, a narrow search area, and you get a lot of homes to look at that don’t quite fit the bill.

You want to know a secret?  I love looking at homes!  I love seeing the layouts, the landscaping, the extras people have added to their homes.  It is fun stuff!  The best part is hanging out with people you enjoy while looking at houses…it is addicting….like Facebook.  Speaking of Facebook, I’m in a dry and sober mode now.  I haven’t been checking out Facebook or updating my Facebook page and I feel free!

Of course, now with a new blog entry I have to post it on Facebook.  Hmm, a problem.

I can log on for just a minute…I can get through it…I can resist to urge to stay of Facebook for hours and hours….I can do this!

Does a Pyschic really need your phone number?

~ K ~ 1 Comment

Do psychics really need to have your phone number?  Wouldn’t they know you were planning to call them?   Therefore wouldn’t they be ready to receive your call?

I’ve never been to a psychic (gee, could you guess that?) and I really am not educated in any manner to discuss or float any ideas about psychics.  I have no concrete proof that they are phonies or that they are real.

However, one incident that still sticks out in my mind was a trip to Lopez Island.  I was finished working on Lopez Island and was waiting for the next ferry to catch back to Anacortes.  At the end of waiting lane, there is a small cafe/coffee stand offering lattes, muffins, hamburgers to the waiting travellers.  I was bored and a bit chilled so I decided to wander down to the cafe for a nice hot latte.

I walked down, entered the cafe.  Nothing usually about that, lots of people drink lattes on cold winter days.  I entered the small cafe, nothing too out of the ordinary, just your typical small cafe.  The line for the espresso machine was short; two locals where chatting with the lady behind the counter making small talk.  I listened to their conversation (nothing too exciting) and waited to place my order.

The folks in front of me, ordered, received their drinks and moved to the side.  I simply asked for a latte.  Nothing fancy, no nonfat milk, no special flavors, just a nice hot latte.

The first thing out of the woman’s mouth is “You’re an Aries, aren’t you?”

I am!  I am an Aries!  How the heck did this lady know I was an Aries after the only thing I said to her was to request a latte!  I know a lot of different types of people who drink lattes and they sure aren’t all Aries.  How did she know I was an Aries?

I somehow managed to keep my shock and amazement contained and simply said “Why yes, I am.”

I paid for my latte and walked out of old crazy town that day wondering how the heck she knew I was an Aries after uttering one sentence.

How to help your fellow coworkers with sarcasm!

~ K ~ Leave a comment

One thing I really find annoying (well, there are quite a few things I personally find annoying) is the fact that people who don’t quite appreciate sarcasm and it’s helpful, constructive, team building uses.  If you think about it, sarcasm is quite useful in a number of business situations.  It helps to keep that crazy new fad business ideas in check.  If a co-worker has a stupid idea, isn’t it better to let them know now that is a seriously stupid idea with a little well placed sarcasm?  What is the alterative?  You could let them take their stupid idea it to your boss and let her deal with it?  But does that really help your coworker out?  Does it help them become a better employee?

Suppose your coworker comes up with an idea that would involve slamming cute little kitty’s paws in the door of a car?  Now, that is a pretty stupid idea, right?

Doesn’t a well structure sarcastic comment such as:

“And my fairy godmother is going to help too!” when your co-worker suggests the slamming of a cute little kitty’s paws in a car’s door idea.  That is really much better than saying:

“Dude, that is a stupid idea.”

Really, the sarcastic comment is clearly a career saver compared to the easy, put down comment.  You are doing your co-worker a favor by being sarcastic.  Your co-worker would certainly appreciate and admire your ability to point out the flaws in his idea in a humorous manner.  If you weren’t sarcastic, you would simply default to the mean “stupid” comment.  That does nothing to help your co-worker understand that their idea is utterly brain-dead.  Plus this gives them an excuse to backslide and evaluate what they thought originally was a good idea but clearly it isn’t.  You have given them the time to improve their idea and come up with ways to make it better.  You have saved them embarrassment of taking that unimproved idea to their boss before it’s time.  You have made the idea and the employee better off in the long run. 

See how sarcasm is a good thing?

So go out there and keep up the good work my fellow sarcastic helpers!

Blogging and the “un”natural feel of it

~ K ~ 1 Comment

Recently, I was listening to the radio in my truck and the DJ had a caller/listener tell her that he reads her blog all the time.  Of course, I was jealous because I don’t have anyone call me up (or write to me for that matter) telling me that they read my blog everyday, seven days a week.  Admittedly, I don’t post as regularly as I should if I wanted to create a devoted following besides Cyndi and my therapist.  My therapist keeps telling me I need to “work” on expressing myself.  I keep telling her to stuff it and mind her own business.

However, my therapist is merely doing her job and I respect that.  She gets to listen to all this great wonderful stories from an assortment of characters.  I only get to use my mind to create these same scenarios and settings that have no bearing on my real life.  Then again, who would really want to change lives with the next average person they meet?  We all have our little quirks, problems, and hang ups.  Would we really want to exchange our lives for a stranger’s presumed “better” life?  How do you know that person is in a better situation that you are in?  Is there life that much better than yours?  Is the grass really greener on the other side of the fence?  Perhaps it is greener because their lives is full of crap (which makes excellent fertilizater by the way).  Maybe they have to put up with the nagging wife, bratty kids, or insensitive selfish husband and they really just want to put a gun up to their head and end it all.

Now, if you didn’t know me as a sarcastic person, you might think I just endorsed suicide.  I don’t endorse it at all and don’t believe in it.

Clearly, things could be worse and you might think of that when you are thinking about how handsome I am and how extremely lucky I am.  I know, you can probably just barely contain your excitement each time one of my new blogs come up or a new story of KOTS appears.  Just remember that I am a tortured soul who’s only release is to write and blog…

Thanksgiving and KOTS

~ K ~ Leave a comment

Thanksgiving is over and it was a huge success. My hat is off to my darling wife (and I’m not being sarcastic either) because she, our family friend Lynn, and Lynn’s son Matthew did a fantastic job wih dinner. This was our first year where we cooked the turkey with an electric deep fryer. It turned out excellent. One of the downsides of this Thanksgiving was the lack of KOTS being with us. He couldn’t make the time to come to Anderson Island and enjoy the turkey dinner. This isn’t the first time KOTS has skipped Thanksgiving dinner with us. This deeply saddens his mother and is most annoying to me. Hopefully, he decided to make the right choice and spend time with his dad instead of just blowing off with his girlfriend.

We don’t mind him spending time with his girlfriend. We’d like her to come over for dinner (we haven’t seen her since August). We actually like KOTS’ girlfriend quite a bit. What she sees in KOTS, I really don’t know but that is for another blog entry down the road.

Another reason it was important for KOTS to come was the fact, he had moved out of our house! Yes, KOTS’ pushed his mom a little too far in his lack of motivation and was asked to leave. I didn’t ask him to leave, his mother did.

While cleaning out his room, I removed seven bags of garbage and trash. I discovered a lot of almost brand new clothes that appeared to have been worn once. I wash them and bundled them up but KOTS has picked them up yet. We also had the carpets cleaned but the stains weren’t able to be extracted from the carpet. Sad, that a carpet has been ruined (no other carpet in the house is ruined..hmmm…now how could that be?).

With KOTS out of the house, he had to actually look for a job! Luckily for him, his Dad’s girlfriend’s son got him a job at the construction company he works at. KOTS mom and dad are also helping him get an apartment so he’ll have a place to live (besides here). I’m looking forward to seeing the “before” picture of this aprtment and an “after” picture. Legal note: We are not co-signing the apartment lease if you are wondering. I mean, look at my carpet? Does it look like I’m stupid? Hmm, don’t asnwer that one.

So in the last few weeks, KOTS has been forced to grow up and act like an adult instead of the thirteen year old he’d still like to be.

Now we see KOTS a lot more than we use to. He likes to vist our home for the food but at least his mom gets a chance to see him more often than she did before. He also likes to enable him with gifts of food so he has a vested interest in coming over to the house. I suspect we’ll see KOTS quite a bit more once he gets his apartment and needs to have it filled with toilettes, food, milk, etc.

Thanksgiving and KOTS

~ K ~ Leave a comment

Thanksgiving is over and it was a huge success. My hat is off to my darling wife (and I’m not being sarcastic either) because she, our family friend Lynn, and her son Matthew. This was our first year where we cooked the turkey with an electric deep fryer. It turned out excellent. One of the downsides of this Thanksgiving was the lack of KOTS being with us. He couldn’t make the time to come to Anderson Island and enjoy the turkey dinner. This isn’t the first time KOTS has skipped Thanksgiving dinner with us. This deeply saddens his mother and is most annoying to me. Hopefully, he decided to make the right choice and spend time with his dad instead of just blowing off with his girlfriend.

We don’t mind him spending time with his girlfriend. We’d like her to come over for dinner (we haven’t seen her since August). We actually like KOTS’ girlfriend quite a bit. What she sees in KOTS, I really don’t know but that is for another blog entry down the road.

Another reason it was important for KOTS to come was the fact, he had moved out of our house! Yes, KOTS’ pushed his mom a little too far in his lack of motivation and was asked to leave. I didn’t ask him to leave, his mother did.

While cleaning out his room, I removed seven bags of garbage and trash. I discovered a lot of almost brand new clothes that appeared to have been worn once. I wash them and bundled them up but KOTS has picked them up yet. We also had the carpets cleaned but the stains weren’t able to be extracted from the carpet. Sad, that a carpet has been ruined (no other carpet in the house is ruined..hmmm…now how could that be?).

With KOTS out of the house, he had to actually look for a job! Luckily for him, his Dad’s girlfriend’s son got him a job at the construction company he works at. KOTS mom and dad are also helping him get an apartment so he’ll have a place to live (besides here). I’m looking forward to seeing the “before” picture of this aprtment and an “after” picture. Legal note: We are not co-signing the apartment lease if you are wondering. I mean, look at my carpet? Does it look like I’m stupid? Hmm, don’t asnwer that one.

So in the last few weeks, KOTS has been forced to grow up and act like an adult instead of the thirteen year old he’d still like to be.