Category: Humor

Why I hate Driving on the Freeway….

~ K ~ 1 Comment

Today, I actually had to work at my studio in Burien and had to drive today. Usually, this time of year I work mostly out of my home office. So on my way back from Burien in the middle of the day, one should expect the freeway traffic to flow easily. In the Seattle area, that is never the case. I made it past the madhouse near the Sea-Tac International Airport. Once on I-405, I get stuck behind a guy in a gold minivan doing 46 mph on the freeway that is clearly marked 60 mph. This is way I hate driving. We have some idiot on the freeway that thinks he is on a nice country drive. It isn’t a nice country drive; it’s January and it is a cool 40 degrees out. I’d like to get on my merry little way home. I don’t need you endangering my life with your slow driving.
Sure, I could whip around this guy in his golden minivan; however, I have to take the next off ramp to get onto the other freeway. It makes no sense to barrel around this guy. Of course, he takes the same exit. I wasn’t in a hurry but I was annoyed. I’m not a freeway Nazi; I just ask that you drive the speed limit. Go at least 5 mph over or at least the speed limit. Is that too much to ask? I’m not asking you to drive at an unsafe speed. The pavement is dry, the sky is a mix of sunshine and clouds, driving conditions are pretty darn good out there…just do the speed limit so the guy behind me isn’t tailgating me.
Thanks for allowing me to offer my own personal piece of Worthless Advice on how to drive on the Freeway!

Everyone loves to drive on the freeway, right?
Everyone loves to drive on the freeway, right?

Life Got You Down? Enjoy Some Pan Flute Music….

~ K ~ 1 Comment

Forget about more cowbell…sometimes you just need some Pan Flute in your sad little life.

I don’t have to tell you that life gets to be a little crazy these days.  Most likely, you are just plain tired from driving your minivan from kids’ soccer game to kids’ soccer game.  Maybe your days are a blur of commuting from your house to your office and then back home again.  Perhaps, you are missing the connection between you and your significant other?  Maybe, you just need to reconnect with your inner romantic soul after a tough day at work….

May I suggest some relaxing pan flute love songs?

The Noble Profession of Changing People: You Can’t Change People, But You Can Change Yourself.

~ K ~ 1 Comment

We have this misguided notion that we can change people.  We believe it is a noble cause…we are the righteous ones that are here to correct the errors of others.  If we can just make people see the same way we see things, then everything would be just fine.  Our friends would always call us back in a timely manner, politicians wouldn’t lie, our dog wouldn’t hate us, and the neighbors would stop staring at us (or is that just paranoia?).

You can’t change others but you can accept them.  You can accept them for who they are and how they act whether it is good or bad.  Once you accept them for who they are, you can change how you interact with them. You can accept their behavior in a way that is beneficial for your own sanity.

In reality, we are utter fools for wasting our time on trying to change others.  People will not change unless they want to change.  You can try to tell people how they should live their lives and what they need to do to make their life better, but they won’t do any of it.  Sure, go ahead and talk to them until you are blue in the face, they won’t change until they want to make the change.

So sit back, enjoy a frosty beverage of your choice, and relax.  Embrace the concept of acceptance.  Modify your thought process and teach yourself that is OK not to be the overbearing, control freak you want to be.DSCI0254

Don’t Give Up Coffee! Give up your expensive, fattening Coffee Drink!

~ K ~ 6 Comments

With all the New Year’s Resolutions flying around, the one resolution that particular bothers me is: People giving up drinking coffee. I understand people want to get healthier. But why deny yourself something so wonderful as coffee? That wonderful drink that helps you get through the day?  That old pal that helps you stay awake?  The drink that allows you to bond with your co-workers while complaining about your boss?  Why give up on that old friend?

I know you think giving up coffee is a good time…I understand you want to be true to your New Year’s Resolutions.  However, may I make a suggestion?  Load up that cup of coffee with all the bad stuff you can find.  Make that cup of coffee the worst possible drink out there (this is exactly what Starbucks does) and then give it up.

Heck, the coffee isn’t the bad part….just think about a “coffee drink” from Starbucks.  That is what is bad.

Think about it for a  minute.  Take a wonderful cup of coffee…

Add loads of sugar (or honey…cane sugar…sweetner)

…add in some whole milk or maybe even some nice half-and-half

…make that into a coffee drink (because it really isn’t a cup of coffee anymore is it?)

and now give it up.  Give up all that bad stuff that you have come to love in your coffee.  That will make you feel better about that silly New Year’s Resolution you made in the heat of a New Year’s Eve’s moment (when you were weak because your old pal coffee wasn’t there).  You know you wouldn’t have made that resolution on New Year’s Day in the morning at breakfast.  No, you made that resolution the night before when you were with our casual friend “Alcohol”.

Sure you and Alcohol go way back, don’t you?  But Alcohol isn’t with you every day.  Do you know who is?  Coffee.

Old Alcohol was trying to get you to ditch your true friend Coffee.  Don’t ditch Coffee.  Alcohol only comes to hang out during the fun events like football games and birthday parties.  Coffee is there, day in and day out.  Don’t substitute a sure thing with something that only likes to party once in a while with you.

Of course, it isn’t too bad when alcohol and coffee get together at the same time to party with you.  A nice cold Sunday afternoon with your two pals Coffee and Alcohol makes a wonderful end to a weekend.  They get along perfectly and they make the weekend a blast.

Special thanks to Nick over at Nick’s Blog for this post idea…

Image from Flickr.com
Image from Flickr.com

It’s OK to Be Selfish

~ K ~ 5 Comments

Do you sometimes put yourself on the back burner? Does your family come first at the sacrifice of your own well being?

I’ve noticed that a lot of people are making the commitment to lose weight and improve their health. I’m in the same boat. I’m working on dropping weight and trimming down. I want to be selfish and feel better about myself. But is it really being selfish?

You don’t get into shape only for yourself. You get back into shape for your loved ones. You do it for your spouse, your kids, your family. You want to be healthy so you can be with them for years to come, to drive them nuts and crazy with your oddness, your creativity, your love.

So be a little selfish. Do something for yourself that will benefit you and your family. It can anything: working out, reading a self help book, painting a photo, whatever. Just do a little selfish act that makes you happy and helps you improve your well being. Because when you are happy, your family will be happy.

Thanks for reading!

Shopping Malls & Christmas Newsletters

~ K ~ 3 Comments

Happy Holidays!

Christmas is around the corner and I really hope you got all of your holiday shopping done. I drove by one of our shopping malls this past Sunday and that looked crazy. Insanely crazy. I hate shopping malls all the time but to have to venture into one during the holidays is worse. I looked at that shopping mall parking lot and thought what fresh hell that must be. Thank goodness I do all of my shopping online.

To be honest, my wife does all of the holiday shopping. I just pay for it and sign the card. She is awesome for that stuff and I really appreciate her.

We are also attempting to send out Christmas cards this year. We haven’t done it for the past few years because I’m lazy. I use to write a snarky Christmas newsletter as well. I use to be really good at it. The key phrase here is “use to be”. Let’s face it; my blog doesn’t get enough attention from me so a Christmas Newsletter isn’t high on my list of things to do.

Let’s be clear, I don’t hate Christmas Newsletters. Actually, I love them. I love to get Christmas Newsletters because it allows me to read about all the fun stuff going on (without having to read all of the Facebook posts). The newsletter is nice tidy summary of the good events that have happened over the past year. No one writes about the bad stuff like how you got rear ended by the guy checking his text messages. And they avoid all of the photos of food and drinks people post. So please, send me your holiday newsletter…I love them.

Ten Great Reasons why I hate Frosty the Snowman

~ K ~ 8 Comments

This is actually the first time I have re-posted one of my blog entries.  However, it was requested by one of my three followers so I thought to myself (as I talked to my cat out loud): Why not post it again?

 

Ten Great Reasons why I hate Frosty the Snowman!

It is the Christmas season and the wonderful time of holiday TV specials has begun.  I like most of the Christmas TV specials like Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer, Santa Claus is Coming to Town, the Grinch who stole Christmas, etc.  However, the one Christmas Special I can’t stand is “Frosty the Snowman”.

  1. Really what is Frosty the Snowman?  He is a bad LSD trip of some whacked out meth head.  The only redeeming quality of Frosty the Snowman is Andy Griffith is the narrator of the cartoon.  The rest of it I hate.
  1. Frosty always says “Happy Birthday”.  Really?  What is he a homeless bum who thinks every day is his birthday?  Is he too drunk to remember it isn’t everyone’s birthday?  Does he need a reason to drink?  “Oh, it’s someone’s birthday!  Let’s go out to Appplebee’s and get wasted!”  That one saying drives me nuts.  “Happy Birthday?”  It’s winter and almost Christmas, I’m not thinking of your birthday, I’m thinking about Christmas presents, Christmas cookies, and egg nog.
  1. He is a cry baby whiner.  There is a scene where he is all sad that the kids are leaving to go back home.  Oh, poor homeless snowman.  Jeez, stop your whining.  Man up, build a snow house and make a snow dog to keep you company.
  1. He sleds by just getting on his belly and sliding down a hill.  Seriously, we all know that Frosty would be jumping on his belly, knocking the wind of his snowman lungs, and cursing up a storm for being so stupid.  He would be doing a belly flop into three inches of snow.  Don’t you think that would hurt?  Darn right it would.
  1. And really, Frosty wouldn’t be sliding down the hill.  Instead, a big pile of snow would build up right in front of Frosty and he would stop in three feet.  Frosty isn’t going anyway fast.
  1. Frosty is just a homeless bum.  After the kids go home to their families or single mothers.  He just wanders around after dark without a purpose…just like the guy who lives under the overpass.
  1. And do I darn mention the sequel “Frosty Returns”.  Do we really need more of Frosty’s inane drunk babblings of “Happy Birthday”?
  1. Frosty promotes smoking.  In this day and age of Political Correctness, why hasn’t someone digitally erased his corncob pipe?  Seriously, if they can change E.T., then they can change Frosty.  It’s a cartoon!  It can’t be that hard.
  1. Frosty likes little kids….too much.  He hangs around kids all day long in a nice pedophile way.  Creepy just like Michael Jackson and his “Jesus Juice”.  Next thing we know Frosty will want to invite the boys and girls over for a nice sleepover in his snow bed.  Just plain creepy.
  1. And in the song, doesn’t Frosty die?  Sure, he melts away and in a Star Trek world he comes back.  But in the lame TV holiday special he makes it to the North Pole with Santa and lives on?  This is all after he puts Karen into life threatening situations (like the refrigerator train car).  Karen takes a long trip ride in a freezing cold refrigerator car were most people would be a Popsicle at the end of the trip.  Hell, why can’t Karen be a normal kid that just sticks Frosty on the train, sends him on his merry way, and forgets about him in 10 minutes?

Frosty the Snowman sucks.  This is one holiday special I wish was lost forever in the depths of CBS television studios.

 

How to Romance Your Husband

~ K ~ 14 Comments

This evening I stumbled upon a blog post from a wife writing about “How to Romance Her”. It was six easy steps…or rather suggestions to romance her (or other women). I couldn’t help think to myself that as a man, I could use some romance in my life too!

Below, are seven (because six isn’t enough) romance tips to jump start that romance spark in your life.

Now, this isn’t to say my wife isn’t romantic but clearly my blog is about worthless advice and not about my marriage!! Besides, we all know my wife has to live with me and has to put up with my many highly entertaining comments. So when you see my wife’s comments below, just remember Cyndi (My Imaginary Stalker) will certainly be there to stroke my ego in the event my wife doesn’t. So if my wife isn’t romancing me, be sure to send her this blog post so she can pick up some suggestions.

However keep in mind Cyndi isn’t prefect….or is she?

Enough with Cyndi….Shall we begin with some ideas on how to Romance Your Husband?

Dress Up for Him:
Skip dressing up as a sexy maid or a hooker (trust me that ship as sailed). I would suggest dressing up as the something your husband really desires: a lawn maintenance worker that actually mows the lawn. Nothing says “sexy” as a freshly cut lawn! Or grab that leaf blower and clean out the gutters…uh, that makes you so yummy!

Write Him A Love Note:
What kind of love note? I would like to have a love note written on a $100 bill. Even if you aren’t my wife, you could still send me a $100 love note. Shh, go ahead and send it…I won’t tell!

Cook Him His Favorite Dinner:
What? It doesn’t have to be his favorite, it just has to taste good. We all want a wife that can cook and we really want one that cooks something that is actually edible. So if you are watching the Food Network 7 hours a day, for goodness sake, make sure what you serve up is worth all those hours you wasted in front of the TV.

Wear Perfume:
Sure, throw on some expensive perfume. Nothing like reminding your husband that you forget to shower for the past three days. Of course, the fact you are still in your pajamas at 5:30 in the evening and have cat puke in your hair might be a giveaway as well.

Let Him Enjoy His Hobbies Guilt Free:
Well, if your husband is into hookers and cocaine, who am I to say he needs to give up his hobbies? As a loving, supportive wife you should support his habits no matter how boring and mundane they may be. So that train geek running his toy trains in the basement isn’t so bad, is he? Maybe you prefer your husband liking hookers? It’s your choice….just be supportive.

Send a Sexy Text Message:
In between dropping the kids off at soccer practice and drinking your nonfat latte, send him a sexy text. Maybe something like “oh, I did the dishes AND the laundry today. Maybe I might just tackling ironing your shirts this afternoon….meow.” Trust me, that is a truly sexy text.

Be A Maid:
A bucket, a brush, and a clean house is way sexier than just wearing a boring old French maid costume! Don’t sell yourself short; you can be super sexy cleaning up the kitchen AND the bathroom. Don’t let anyone tell you different! Be the change you deserve in your life!

So get out there and let the romance ooze from your body! Show your husband you know how to keep the spark of romance alive!! Vacuum the living room, fold some clothes, enjoy your marriage to the fullest with my romance tips. Don’t say my blog of worthless advice didn’t you something to keep that marriage (or long term relationship) alive for one more day!

As always, your comments are welcome if you can drag your tired, weary hands across the keyboard. At least hit the “Like” button so I feel like someone (besides my mom and Cyndi) reads my blog.

Ugly Shirt…the secret plans of my Wife and Daugther

~ K ~ 7 Comments

Last Saturday, I took off my wonderful black University of Washington Husky hoodie and thus exposed that I was wearing a nice polo shirt. Sadly, I was informed by my wife, daughter, and my daughter’s friend that it was ugly. The shirt wasn’t nice at all; it was ugly.

Ugly? And they let me wear it all day long and didn’t bother to tell me until then?

Oh, you can’t imagine the embarrassment and shame than filled my soul with despair upon this cruel realization.

I do believe that my wife allows me (and probably secretly encourages me) to wear ugly and out of date clothes to make sure no hot babes check me out. That the hideous shirt is allowed to be wore by me (without a warning by my family) is clear proof my wife is purposely making me look like an unattractive dresser and fashion non-diva. I’m sure she is quite content to have me look a bit goofy. Well played dear wife, well played.

Ah, she is a clever one.

My daughter just likes me to look like a goof ball. I think it is her way of rebelling. I know she thinks to herself “That shirt is ugly and I should tell him to get rid of it. However, he did make me unload the dishwasher this morning so I won’t tell him to change it. He can suffer.”

There you have it. Clearly, I have no fashion sense. All of my clothes should probably be given away and I should buy a whole wardrobe!

Continue reading “Ugly Shirt…the secret plans of my Wife and Daugther” →

Let’s Talk About YOU! (Because obviously talking about me isn’t working….)

~ K ~ 4 Comments

With the weather turning to gray overcast skies, even the die hard optimist can get a bit depressed with the rainy weather. Everything around you can be depressing; the wet roads, the bad traffic, the gray skies, the rain, the gray skies, the rain, the cold 40-50 degree weather. Did I mention the gray skies and rain?

IMG_4300

It isn’t always bad here in the Pacific Northwest but you would think it is because of all the lousy weather we are currently having. We had great weather up until the middle of October. Now, it is the normal Seattle weather. I tend to be very busy at work (since I am a school photographer) during this time of year. I don’t notice how bad it is until I have a little breathing room. And with Daylight Savings Time ending, you really notice that it isn’t nice here anymore. It isn’t as bad as Alaska but you do notice that it gets really dark around 4 pm everyday. We haven’t even seen the worst of it yet. The shortest day of the year: December 21 Winter Solstice.

That means from now until December 21, the days will get shorter and the people of Seattle will die a little more each day.

I don’t really care. To me, it is just another day in a series of depressing days where I live my life. Oh, before you get all concerned about my well being, just know that this blog post is about you, not me. I can weather any storm my way. I just jump on YouTube and get all pumped up by listening to some Tony Robbins or Les Brown. I like the crappy weather because it forces me to look at what I’m doing in my business and life.

Now, some people can’t handle all the rain and gray skies around Seattle. They complain, they mope around, yet here they still are…wet and whining in the Emerald City called Seattle.

For me, the rain and gray skies bring my busy work season. I know during this time of the year, I’ll be making the bulk of my income as a school photographer. I know that I’ll be busy working 60-80 hours a week. I know I’ll be getting up at 5 am, putting in a 12-15 hour day. On top of my work day I will also need to be a dad, a Scoutmaster, an aikido student and teacher, and a blogger. I will be attempting to balance my work life with my personal life during the months of the fall school photography season.

My darling wife is also more than willing to point out that I pretty much have summers off (work free) as a trade off for my busy, crazy fall. However, during this hectic fall season, I also think I should be creating an online business of some sort to balance out my income. I imagine it would be extremely nice to have a summer schedule during the rest of the eight months of the year. Don’t you think it would be nice to have a few extra thousand or tens of thousands of dollars to live on and invest in my retirement? People who say money isn’t important must not be too concerned about the future (or even the present). Money can’t buy happiness? But it sure makes life a lot more enjoyable!

What makes you survive the fall season? Do you feel you live in a better area and therefore can make fun of schmucks like me?

As always your sarcastic and non-sarcastic comments are welcome! At least hit that like button!