Kevin Hellriegel's Blog of Worthless Advice

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How to Keep the Inmates Happy: Teaching Your Children Good Manners!


One of the best parts of being a parent is getting rid of your kids.  During the summer, some parents like to pawn their kids off to the grandparents for various lengths of time.  The problem with grandparents is that your kids have access to the telephone or electronics.  This means they have a way to bug you and complain about how bored they are.

I know some parents that like summer camp where there is no electronics.  The kids actually have to wait for a letter from their parents for any sort of love.  And heaven forbid that your child actually has to write to you.  With their terrible spelling and texting skills of a monkey, you can totally blow off their requests to come home early.  When you pick them up at the end of camp and they are complaining “Didn’t you get my letter?”  You can honestly say that you couldn’t understand their strange “texting” language and the handwriting was so bad you couldn’t read it anyway.  But it did make an awesome nesting place for their pet rabbit.

I’m pretty much a fan of both ways to get rid of your kids during the summer.  Honestly, I like to get rid of my kids all the time.  If I can’t send them to a friend’s house, it means I’m a failure as a parent.  If no one wants my perfect kids, then I know they must be some of the rudest worst brats around.

With skill and considerable talent, I have trained my children to be polite and well behaved. When they are at other people’s homes, the friend’s parents love them.  They use their manners and we get reports back raving about how wonderful they are.  Man, are my kids the greatest actors or what?  Because if you saw them at home, you’d think they were from two rival gangs in prison, ready to jab a sharpened toothbrush into the other inmate’s neck! 

I keep asking other parents if they are talking about my kids when the good reports come back. Are they sure they have the right kids?  Because the facts and observations they make certainly don’t match up with my in home data that I collect EVERYDAY.

Now and then, my kids will surprise me and get along for an extended period of time.  Usually I start to think that maybe they do love each other and that we should take a vacation together.  It is a moment of weakness on my part to think this way.  I think a 2-3 hour car ride with two rival gang members is a smart idea.  Now who is the fool?

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5 responses to “How to Keep the Inmates Happy: Teaching Your Children Good Manners!

  1. Vinny Grette July 16, 2013 at 1:27 pm

    Check out my give away – if you win, it might keep your kids occupied for a few hours here and there over the summer 🙂

  2. rockettattoo July 17, 2013 at 4:50 am

    sharpened tooth brushes (shivs) can actually be a creative art project. You can have them create and display creative variations and possibly contact the Discovery channel to follow their every move (think: Duck Dynasty.. expect maybe: Shiv dynasty) as they go through the creative process. This will finally be your proof to your so called friends that your children are actually horrible people.

  3. honeydidyouseethat? July 18, 2013 at 11:40 am

    Can’t but help think of West Side Story. We paid our kids to get along while dragging them around the world. Worked like a charm.

  4. strawberryquicksand July 24, 2013 at 2:03 pm

    Hahahahah. Thank you for the laugh. 😀

  5. Yvonne August 15, 2013 at 6:39 am

    As a grandparent of 15 I can tell you that all kids are politer and less whinny when parents are not around.

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