Month: May 2013

Another Self Help Lesson…for people (like you) that need help!

~ K ~ Leave a comment

FLOWERSI’m sorry if you are curled up in the fetal position this past weekend because I didn’t address your latest psychological issue.  First of all, mental illness isn’t a laughing matter.  We all know someone that suffers from a mental illness whether you understand it or not.  According to statistics I just made up, 1 in 5 people suffer from mental illness.  I know that might seem a bit low considering half your family is a bunch of drunks and the other half is dysfunctional bunch of drug addicts, but in my limited one quarter of psychology at the local junior college 20 years ago, it seems pretty legit.

Wait, I know…alcohol is a drug so basically 100% of your family is crazy but you forget to factor in my margin of error.  Since you are normal (normal because you read my worthless advice blog), then your family can’t be 100% crazy loony tunes, right?  You might be the one ray of sunshine in your family’ sad existence and I applaud you for being that one speck of normalness in a wacky uncaring family.

Now, let’s talk about you.

Since you believe that you are normal, does that mean all your beliefs are normal and those that disagree with your normal views are abnormal?  Hold on, what if you change your opinion on something?  Does that mean that your old normal is now abnormal and your new belief is the “new” normal?

Confused?  I hope so.  The reality is that you are always changing your opinion and beliefs in the endless pursuit of escaping your past and that the future is your only hope for a better you.  You believe in continuous improvement and that your updated beliefs are making you better.  And you should believe in continuous improvement.  If you don’t believe in it, you are fooling yourself.  Every article you read in a magazine, every show you watch, every ad you intake affects your belief system.

How you accept these new beliefs will determine your future.  Can you accept this?  You do know that this influences your decisions?  Of course, you know all this.  All of your experiences contribute to your decisions you make now and in the future.  Whether they are the right decisions can be decided by your value system.  No one can tell you what is right or wrong unless it falls into your personal value system.  Your personal ethics can be a free flowing or as rigid as you want them (or need them to be).

Allow yourself to invest in your belief system and develop your future into what you want it to be.  Look back at the past and embrace what it has molded you into for it has a direct influence on your future.

You have to accept that your past was bad, it was awful, and you were wrong.  Admit that you screwed up, you were a failure, a liar, a thief, and that you hurt people that love you.  Until you accept your past, you will never change.

Accept your past, admit your failures and wrongdoing, set new goals that bring about continuous improvement, and get on with your life.

Now is the time to chime in with your thoughts and feelings.  Boost my fragile ego and encourage my narcissistic nature with your comments (good and bad)!

Did I hurt your feelings about Killing your Dreams?

~ K ~ 2 Comments

Yesterday, I offered my dream killing services to my devoted readers (which consists of my mother and my imaginary stalker Cyndi).  It was met with overwhelming support and I have been killing your dreams all day long.  It is hard work, dashing your dreams and hopes on the rocky shores of reality but I have gladly accepted this task to help you better yourself.

You can thank me later for slapping your face hard with the stick of reality.

Am I saying you should give up on your dreams?

Yes, if your dreams are unrealistic.  Oh, wait!  What is Kevin’s definition of unrealistic?  My definition of unrealistic is simple.  You won’t win the Powerball Lottery (Sorry, someone in Florida just won the $590 million), you won’t be the next Bill Gates, and you probably won’t be curing cancer.  Seriously, if you were on track to be the next Bill Gates would you be reading my worthless advice blog?  Uh, probably not.

I will say that if you want to be successful you need to discontinue reading my worthless advice blog.  Sure, you’ll enjoy my sarcastic wit and my blog will bring endless joy it to your miserable life but it is still a distraction.  It will merely derail you from setting your goals, making a plan, executing your plan, and accomplishing something.

But then again, the lure of my worthless advice is just so enticing, isn’t it?  I’m pretty enjoyable, aren’t I?

See you did it again….you lost focus.

Let’s circle back to reality.  No, matter how much I try, not all my advice is worthless advice.  Here I am giving you hope after I have smashed your dreams and fantasies.  The truth is that it is OK to have your dreams and fantasies.  But if you are serious about something, you need to take action.  Put your fear aside and write that novel.  Even if it sucks, at least you did it, you tried, you took a risk and went outside your comfort zone.

Good luck on those dreams of yours.  I’m still available if you need someone to destroy your dreams.

As always, your comments and insights are always welcome.  Leave a comment and tell me how much you hate my quest to kill your dream.

Kevin the Dream Killer

~ K ~ 6 Comments

If you have a dream, a fantasy, a misguided belief in yourself (or others), then welcome to the demise of those dreams.  Allow me to kill those dreams, those dreams that you hold so precious in your heart; the ones you keep only to yourself because you know others will laugh at you.

We all have them….a dream of becoming a famous writer, an actor, a movie star.  To own a big yacht, a private tropical island, and eat whatever we want.

The truth is that most of us won’t live our dreams….boo hoo.  Isn’t that sad?  What about all those self help gurus talking about “if you can visualize it, you can do it!”?

They lied to you.  I’m not here to lie to you….I’m merely here to kill your dreams.  Is it really a dream or a self damaging fantasy you cling to as an excuse for your own shortcomings?

Let’s be realistic, shall we?  You are at your present stage in your life because of the choices you made.  You might not have wanted to be working in your career path but you are.  You thought you would have written a great novel by now but you haven’t.  You wish you were a multimillionaire but you aren’t.  Are these things you can change?

Sure, you could change them…but you won’t.  Instead you’ll complain how you don’t have enough time in the day to get your work done, you need to do this or that, you weren’t lucky in life, your family was poor, your parents didn’t love you, and your cat moved to the neighbor’s house.

You don’t need me to kill your dreams.  You have already done it yourself.  You have chosen to visualize your life exactly where it is at.  It is your destiny.  I don’t have to kill your dreams; you’ve done it already.  But to be fair, I’d love to kill them.  I’d love to throw them under the bus of life and watch the wheels crush them.  I’d love to see the horror of the people on the sidewalk see your dreams being crushed under those huge uncaring bus tires.

Where would you be when your dreams are dying?  You are one of the many passengers on the bus going along on a bus ride you don’t like.  You are sitting there calmly, looking at your IPod, listening to some song (that has nothing to do with your future) and wondering to yourself, why the bus has stopped?

The bus has stopped because you allowed Kevin to kill your dreams!  But did I really kill them?  Or did I merely point out to you that your dreams are dead underneath the bus’ tires?

Am I the cause of your failures?  The cause of the death of your dreams?  Can you honestly blame a blogger in another part of the world for killing your dreams?

So send over your dreams and I’ll kill them for you.  You can then blame your life on all the worthless advice I’ve given you over the past several years.  You know you’ll feel better when you come to terms with the death of your dreams.  And one day you’ll thank Kevin the Dream Killer and all his worthless advice.

Death of a Blogger

~ K ~ 13 Comments

Death of a Blogger…..

I follow a lot of different blogs for various important reasons (that you clearly wouldn’t understand).  Some of them are funny, others are annoying, a few are informative, and the last ones are just blogs that I enjoy the writing style and the thoughts of the author.  My WordPress Reader always offers something exciting and new most evenings.  I get multiple blog post updates in my email inbox daily (which is a whole other issue for our next therapy session).

However, one thing I don’t know much about is the death of a blogger.  All of the suddenly I’ll have a craving for a certain blog and I’ll go to that blog only to discover it is gone.  It doesn’t exist.  I’m left hollow and empty.  I think to myself (most because I’m the only person that actually listens to me) “Is  it my fault they are gone?  Did I not offer enough of my worthless advice to them to keep them motivated?  Did I not write enough for them and they lost their inspiration?”

Alas, it is an extremely tough burden to carry when you inspire an imaginary stalker and your mother to keep reading your blog for guidance.  What if I wasn’t posting enough and that is why that blogger gave up?  I mean, I let them down and their blog is no more, gone, shut down, lying in the dust of the internet desert of shifting trends and topics.  The front page isn’t even their last entry; it is merely an uncaring generic WordPress page stating that the blog no longer exists.

I really want you to understand is that you can come to me first before you eliminate your blog.  I want you to let me know, if you plan to kill your blog.  If you think your creativity has died, perhaps your life isn’t crazy or insane enough, maybe your ten cats have left you for the neighbor with the endless supply of tuna (albacore not the crappy dark meat stuff),  or your latest quilting project didn’t work out (I love the fruit coasters), you can drop me an email and I’ll help keep you going.  Heck, I’ll even do a guest post on your blog so you have some content (worthless advice but content nevertheless).  That is the kind of self serving kind of worthless advice dispensing, fake therapist/writer/self help guru I am.

Keep the comments coming on my worthless advice blog posts.  I need the ego post so my blog doesn’t shut down in a fit of rage or a big sissy crying fest.  Either one would be most unpleasant and cause undue stress to my already fragile ego.  So click the “Like” button and then go a step further and leave a witty comment.  Oh, and leave your website link and I’ll link it back to your blog so you feel loved.

Are your kids ready to party like rock stars?

~ K ~ 2 Comments

It’s 12:15 am and the kids are bored.  Sure, some parents would say that they should be in bed asleep but I disagree.  Is that really preparing your children for the future?  How will they ever be able to stay up all night and party like rock stars if they are asleep by midnight?  Doesn’t the party just get started around 11 pm?

To encourage the children to go to sleep, I like to read them the latest Department of Labor Statistics report about the recent drop in the U.S. employment rate.  Of course, the authors were a bit off the mark with their lack of taking into account the discouraged workers that aren’t included in the report’s figures.  However this report did help to push the Dow Jones (and my heart rate up) to the 15,000 mark.

If that doesn’t put the little buggers to sleep, I usually like to talk about my bad experience at the local coffee shop where the coffee shop was out of my favorite flavor.  Whoa.  Hold on.  It is a bit unsettling for the young minds of today and it does threaten their fragile belief in the miracles of coffee shops on every cover.  What injustice is it that one can’t rely on their local coffee shop in this crazy world?  It’s like not having the sun appear in the eastern sky every morning.

I try to avoid things that would give the kids nightmares.  Like the time I had to park way out in the south parking lot of the mall and walk in a light Seattle rain drizzle without a hat!  You have to have boundaries when it comes to storytelling.  It is a thin line between an educational lesson and a nightmare that haunts you forever.  Be careful when you talk about how your latte was too foamy or not quite hot enough.  Children’s young minds are very impressionable.

If all else fails at getting your kids (or the kids that other parents dumped on you) to sleep, start making a list of all the chores you’ll be doing the next day with them.  You might as well make this time into a proactive and productive planning meeting.  Nothing else says I’m a winner than a very long “To Do List” written in purple color crayon on an old PTA newsletter.

vacuum-4Dust off the old broom and rev up the vacuum cleaner, we have a house to clean and dreams to ruin!

Kevin’s Self Help Therapy Session

~ K ~ 2 Comments

Welcome to Kevin’s Self Help Therapy Session

As you can imagine, I have no formal training as a therapist but I can dish out worthless advice like everyone else.  And if you happen to be a therapist and are offended by this post because I mentioned worthless advice…well, you should probably take notice of the title of my blog.

Now let’s get into some therapy…

Do you feel loved or hated?

Sure, you think everyone hates you and no one loves you.  Maybe you are a jerk and you just haven’t accepted it yet.  The truth is that people don’t really like you and don’t think you are that funny.

Now, how do you feel?  Does that make you sad?  Do you feel angry?

Now let’s talk about how your parents didn’t support you or encourage you.  Let’s explore how they ignored you, forgot you at swim practice, and didn’t pick you up at the movie theater.  Doesn’t that just make you so upset?

Sometimes I feel unloved (just like how you feel everyday of your sad life), yet I still know that my advice will be there to lift me and others (people like yourself) up to the next level of recovery.  The ladder of recovery is a long one but with great individuals like myself guiding self-destructive souls like yourself, we can accomplish something (like screwing the cap back on the toothpaste).

Give yourself a hug and pat yourself on the back (because I really don’t care for physical contact).  We’ll see you at the next session.