Let’s face it, you hate people, I hate people, and we really hate sitting next to them in the airplane. Sure, we all wish we could afford First Class but we can’t. However, we can use certain techniques to maximize your seat space on the airplane.
- Bring Your Own Smelly Food – Since the airlines want to make a profit, one of the first things to go was the food service. But this is an awesome time to bring your own food along! And it had better be extremely good and stinky. We all know that the stinky food is the best food! Pickled eggs, sauerkraut, sardines, garlic bread, cat food, and maybe some strange food that would make a billy goat puke is just what you need on your next flight.
- Stake out the Armrest – the seats and the armrest aren’t getting any bigger on airplanes these days and you need to stake your claim to them. As soon as you sit down, stretch out and take as much space as you can. When your neighbors arrive, just cough a lot, and wipe your hands all over the armrest. Ha, these armrest belong to me now.
- Take Those Shoes Off and Let Those Stinky Feet Breath – why should your feet be trapped in your shoes? These flight is the beginning of your vacation. Take those shoes off and relax.
- Don’t Brush Your Teeth – nothing says “I don’t care about life, you, or your comfort” than skipping the brushing those pearly white teeth. Your mouth should smell and taste like the inside of a elementary school dumpster on a hot spring afternoon.
- Don’t Shower – Again, you want to push people away. With your awful breath, you can add to the sensual pleasure by not taking a shower for a few days before your flight.
- Dress Poorly – dress like a slob AND make sure you wear the wrong travel clothes. Pants that are too tight – check! Coats with not enough pockets – check! A big hat that gets in the way – check!
- Have a HUGE Carry On Bag – The heavier, the better. Just like all the unsolved resentment you carry around in your soul, your carry on bag should be just as heavy. Make sure that you can’t lift it over your head. Ideally, your bag should make a professional weightlifter pop a blood vessel as he lifts it.
- Talk to EVERYONE…be loud and proud! Everyone wants to hear about how you had an awful time on the taxi ride to the airport, or how Aunt Megan thinks you drink too much. Make new friends by asking questions that are way too personal. Remember, make them feel uncomfortable and they will scoot away from you as far as their little seatbelt will allow.
As always, I know these eight awesome travel tips will really bring you to the top of your worthless life. What better way to make it to the lower bottom of life?