Kevin Hellriegel's Blog of Worthless Advice

The only blog that you really want to read…or ignore.

Tag Archives: worthless advice

Worthless Travel Tips – Best Worthless Advice Tips for Your Next Airline Flight!

plane-50893_1920Let’s face it, you hate people, I hate people, and we really hate sitting next to them in the airplane.  Sure, we all wish we could afford First Class but we can’t.  However, we can use certain techniques to maximize your seat space on the airplane.

  1. Bring Your Own Smelly Food – Since the airlines want to make a profit, one of the first things to go was the food service.  But this is an awesome time to bring your own food along!  And it had better be extremely good and stinky.  We all know that the stinky food is the best food!  Pickled eggs, sauerkraut, sardines, garlic bread, cat food, and maybe some strange food that would make a billy goat puke is just what you need on your next flight.
  2. Stake out the Armrest – the seats and the armrest aren’t getting any bigger on airplanes these days and you need to stake your claim to them.  As soon as you sit down, stretch out and take as much space as you can.  When your neighbors arrive, just cough a lot, and wipe your hands all over the armrest.  Ha, these armrest belong to me now.
  3. Take Those Shoes Off and Let Those Stinky Feet Breath – why should your feet be trapped in your shoes?  These flight is the beginning of your vacation.  Take those shoes off and relax.dirtyfeet
  4. Don’t Brush Your Teeth – nothing says “I don’t care about life, you, or your comfort” than skipping the brushing those pearly white teeth.  Your mouth should smell and taste like the inside of a elementary school dumpster on a hot spring afternoon.
  5. Don’t Shower – Again, you want to push people away.  With your awful breath, you can add to the sensual pleasure by not taking a shower for a few days before your flight.
  6. Dress Poorly – dress like a slob AND make sure you wear the wrong travel clothes.  Pants that are too tight – check!  Coats with not enough pockets – check! A big hat that gets in the way – check!bum
  7. Have a HUGE Carry On Bag – The heavier, the better.  Just like all the unsolved resentment you carry around in your soul, your carry on bag should be just as heavy.  Make sure that you can’t lift it over your head.  Ideally, your bag should make a professional weightlifter pop a blood vessel as he lifts it.
  8. Talk to EVERYONE…be loud and proud!  Everyone wants to hear about how you had an awful time on the taxi ride to the airport, or how Aunt Megan thinks you drink too much.  Make new friends by asking questions that are way too personal.  Remember, make them feel uncomfortable and they will scoot away from you as far as their little seatbelt will allow.

As always, I know these eight awesome travel tips will really bring you to the top of your worthless life.  What better way to make it to the lower bottom of life?

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Everyone needs a Hobby

This evening I’m watching the Thomas Crown Affair starting Pierce Bronson and Rene Russo.  It’s the new one…made in 1999.  One of the main character states “Everyone needs a hobby.”

James Bond had a hobby!  https://youtu.be/yw3X-lzwmOM

And yes, even I have a hobby: a worthless advice blog.

Sure, sometimes I forget about my hobby and my worthless advice blog gets neglected.  I don’t write and that is just plain silly of me because in the end, who suffers the most?  You do.  You do, my poor readers. I neglect you and that’s a terrible mistake.  Why should I deprive you of my advice?  Do my stories not enlighten you? Do they not impart you with my vast knowledge and wise experiences?

Every once in a while, Cyndi (my imaginary stalker) has to remind me that life isn’t all about rainbow and unicorns. Sometimes it is about doing something more important, sometimes it involves putting down Mr. Whiskers and writing for the readers of my blog.  For you my dear readers, I’ll put down Mr. Whiskers this evening and write a blog entry.  Because, hey, you deserve it.

What is your hobby?  A hobby should be something that engages your mind, it helps your soul, and it will lead to positive health benefits.  (Of course if making meth in your garage is your hobby, it probably won’t lead to positive health benefits but it will engage your mind….chemistry is hard stuff).

Hobbies are an escape from your everyday that allows you to decompress.  You are able to relax and think something other than the burdens of being an adult.

Hobbies are also something you don’t mind wasting time on. You can spend hours doing your hobby and it won’t matter because you enjoy it.  It brings you joy.

However, a hobby should be positive for you and for those around you. Smoking cigerettes around a daycare center isn’t a good hobby.  Watching an excessive amount of TV is a bad hobby also.  Instead you should be reading my blog.  Clearly, my blog is an excellent hobbit.

What is your favorite hobby (besides reading my blog)?

Sorry if I offend You!

It has been brought to my attention that my blog of worthless advice may have offended some of you.  Now, with my blog having a readership of two readers, it is hard to know where to take this blog.  There is a lot of pressure to keep the blog interesting for my two readers. 

Growing your blog readership isn’t easy for a blog that has the words “worthless advice” in the title. I think I’ve narrowed my target audience to a fairly small niche: people who like worthless advice.  Is there a huge market out there for worthless advice? Well, obliviously not since I have only two readers.

My advice isn’t good. I get a lot of my blog ideas from movies I watch, the news I read, and articles I discover online.  I usually try to build upon those ideas into a nice blog post about worthless advice.  Take for example, my yard sales tips post.  It’s a very well written piece that clearly shows worthless advice for your next yard sale. Terribly worthless advice that no one should take. But I do hope that you find it humorous because it is so worthless.

So, my dear readers, I’m sorry if I offended you with my worthless advice.  I’ll try to make it up to sometime soon.  You can help me by suggesting some blog post ideas below in my comment section. Thanks for reading!

Meet my friend Craig’s List

Since it is summer time, we have a few chores around my house that we need to finish up.  One is clearing out the “treasures” (worthless crap) we have accumulated over the years but have no good use for anymore.  Granted, at one time I thought I did need a huge pink “Hello Kitty” desk for my office to be a successful blogger, but now I know I don’t (mainly because I’m not a successful blogger).  Besides, my imaginary stalker Cyndi said she would gladly take it off my hands anytime I needed her to.

Unlike my worthless advice I offer to you my dear readers, some of these items are good, usable items.  And you know I really hate making the trip to the local garbage dump when I know a lot of my treasures could have a second life with someone else.  That’s when I turn to my friend Craig’s List.

Sure, some people are scared of Craig’s List (because who isn’t scared of meeting a stranger in a back alley for new flat screen TV?) but when you want to avoid making a trip to the garbage dump, Craig’s List can be your best friend.  Now that I don’t have a truck, it is hard for me to take large items to the garbage dump, donation center, or the recycling center.  Instead of me asking my friend to borrow his truck, I throw everything up on Craig’s List for free.

Today, I got rid of some really cool solar water heater panels.  They aren’t as bad as having a broken down wash machine in your front hard, but solar panels were nice but a wind storm had knocked them over and the glass was destroyed.  I had a few problems setting up the solar water heater system last year, then replacing the glass seemed expensive (4 ft x 8 ft sheets), and they didn’t fit into my “White Trash Theme” I have going on in the backyard, so I decided to get rid of them.  Now, I’m sure I could have sold them on Craig’s List but sometimes that is more of a hassle that the money I’d make out of the project.

This morning I posted the ad and within 30 minutes, two guys came and picked them up. As a bonus, they also picked up all my other free junk out in the driveway.  It was awesome.  I just saved myself about $50 in dump fees and a trip to the Bow Lake Transfer Station.

If you are worried about people coming to your house, you can also put your treasures on the corner of your neighborhood with a “free” sign on it.  I have a neighbor who is gone 11 months of the year so we usually put all the items in front of his house.  Plus, I have an awesome view of watching people gathering up my “treasures”.

That’s your worthless advice tip of the day!  Keep on getting rid of those treasures!

Sorry Sir, your T-Shirt isn’t going to survive.

As summer approaches, it is time we assess our T-Shirt collection and we bid farewell to some of our old T-shirt friends.

For women, this would seem like a normal course of action.  That t-shirt was so last week; time to get rid of it..  However, to a man, this is akin to losing a good friend to a random softball accident while playing the nuns of Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow and Misery on a hot Saturday afternoon.  You never think it will happen but when it does: you must say good-bye to a dear friend rather quickly.

You have to understand the simple fact that men love their t-shirts.  They remind us that life can be casual and care-free.  You know, like the time before we had a life full of responsibilities, work headaches, kids, and the crazy neighbors.  A time when you could know that whatever day it was, a t-shirt would be the appropriate shirt to wear for that occasion.  A kid’s birthday party?  T-shirt time! Going out to a club tonight?  T-shirt time!  Attending a funeral for your girlfriend’s great aunt? It’s black T-shirt time!  Hanging out with your friends at the court-house?  It’s T-shirt time!

I recently pulled out a shirt from the dryer only to discover it had holes in the back of it.  Not the arm pits or the front of the shirt, it was the back of the shirt.  It was a sad day.  That t-shirt has traveled many miles….it has been a good friend.  Whether I worn it to bed or out to the local grocery store; it was comfortable friend who was always there for me.  Sadly, no amount of duct tape will spare it from becoming a garage rag.

Here’s to you old faithful friend…I bid you a fond farewell.  May your life as a cleaning rag serve be just as fun as the time we ran our mountain bike up a tree while texting and drinking a Slurpee.  We both know it won’t be fun but we are going to pretend it will be.

Good Bye T-shirt…..

 

Regrets, Regrets, Regrets

 

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How did I not see that big yellow bus full of nuns?

We all have regrets.  We regret eating that extra piece of pizza last night.  We regret buying the neon yellow polo shirt in 9th grade.  We regret running that yellow light and hitting that school bus full of nuns while eating a burrito from Taco Bell.  We regret sleeping in on Saturday.  We regret our career choices.  Regrets are all around us.

Do you have regrets?  Most people with a conscience have something they regret.  Whether is about their life choices or the day old sushi they ate, regrets are all around us.

However, you need to let go of your regrets.  You can’t predict the future.  So if you knew now that making a certain choice in the past would turn into a regret later on, you wouldn’t have made that choice.  Fairly simple, right?  You didn’t know it would be a regret so why beat yourself up about it?  Let that regret go.  Acknowledge it, learn from it, move on, and let it go.

Why are regrets important?  Regrets help to improve your critical thinking and your decision-making abilities.  Your experience, whether it is good or bad, helps to lead you on a path of self discovery and awareness.  (Man, that does sound like I know about regrets).

6 Tips to Make Your Life Regrets Disappear!

  1. Don’t think about them.  Why does everyone dwell on the past?  You made a mistake, you learned from it, now get over it.  Let that crap go.  Unless you’re my wife, then you hold onto it forever and remind me about it all the time.  That’s called “Life Coaching” your spouse.
  2. Don’t settle.  Stop your whining.  If you want that mega yacht, then figure out a way to be a huge success and buy it. (Hint: Don’t have a Worthless Advice Blog; it doesn’t pay anything).  I don’t have a clue on how to buy or steal a mega yacht so you are plum out of luck with me helping you.
  3. Use Positive Affirmations.  Because using negative ones won’t be getting you into Camp Happy Thoughts.  And at Camp Happy Thoughts you can put a positive spin on anything!  You wasted five minutes reading my blog but it was for research purposes so it was really an adventure into educating yourself.  See?  You are a winner already!
  4. Set Deadlines and Goals in the Future.  Isn’t that a stupid statement?  When else would your deadlines and goals be?  In the past?  I like to set unrealistic goals like “I’ll move to the country and retire in five years.”  Notice I didn’t say in 2021 that I was moving or retiring.  If I give a solid year date, then I might actually have to do it. This way I am planning but not really planning.  I won’t be disappointed when I forget about that goal.
  5. Eat an Elephant.  How do you eat an elephant?  One bite at a time.  Every task starts with a first step just like that journey out to your car when you need to get to work.  How do you take on those huge, insurmountable tasks?  I don’t know about you, but I set up a deadline that I’ll ignore (see #4).  Then I tackle that task one step at a time because that sounds like I’m doing something smart.
  6. Find a Mentor.  Or in your case, the drunk at the end of the bar will do.  Mentors are great, if you can find one.  I had mentors and they helped me become the successful advice blogger I am today.  Successful…ha ha…sure…really successful with imaginary stalker Cyndi as my only true follower.  Find someone that is mildly more successful than you is easy.  In fact, they only need to appear to be successful.  You can listen to them, feel awesome that they are sharing their nuggets of wisdom with YOU, and become the awesome individual you were destined to be.

Make your regrets disappear.  Get over them.  Forget them.  And enjoy your life!

is

Probably should have watched where we were going….

I’m Trying to Make My Advice as Worthless as I can

Really, I’m trying to make my advice as worthless as possible but it is hard.  Writing this stuff is hard.  If I go off the deep end like I did the other day about “Marrying your husband was a huge mistake” post, people think I’m depressed about my life.  I understand my sense of humor is a little off.  After watching Oprah and Dr. Phil all these years, I thought I would be much better off in my life.  You would think after reading all those Tony Robbins and Zig Ziglar’s books, I would now be larger than life.  They clearly should have produced a powerful man living the dream instead of a mild manner worthless advice blogger.

However, because I don’t have a 100 foot yacht docked on Lake Union, I can say without reservation that my Worthless Advice Blog is a damn good one.  If my advice was actually helpful, all four of my devoted readers would be living in waterfront mansions on Mercer Island and be showering me with praise.

So here we all sit at the computer, reading about nothing, and learning nothing.  It’s all in a days work here!

 

 

 

Moron or Mentor…your choice!

Sometimes, you need a little guidance and direction in your life.  You feel a little lost?  Perhaps you need a little direction in your life?  Do you have that nagging feeling that you aren’t headed into the best years of your life?  In my vast time surfing the web, scrolling through thousands of tweets, and reading numerous Facebook posts, I see a common thread of having good mentors in your life.  However, are we listening to Mentors or Morons?

Yes, the good old mentor, a beacon of guidance and coaching that can help lead us on a path of success.  Of course, reading my worthless advice blog won’t help you in the least bit, but that’s ok with you, right?  You need someone to listen to and it might as well be me, right?

You could argue that my advice is pretty solid on a number of issues like business, family life, and how to keep your imaginary stalker Cyndi happy, but my cat Mr. Whiskers might disagree on my cat raising skills.  Perhaps that is where the moron part comes in?

In your everyday life, you will come across people with great ideas, smart as a whip, highly intelligent.  And then other times you come across people that are complete morons and you wonder how they are still alive.  The most annoying mentors are the ones that seem pretty dumb yet they somehow have a huge following and make money.  How is it possible?  I don’t understand it.  My blog of worthless advice is a joke but I spew out the same nonsense they do, and non of my three followers have made me rich. (Cyndi my imaginary stalker doesn’t have a lot of money….)

Mentors and gurus are people we look to for guidance on how to live our lives or to run or business.  We can also throw in the term Life Coach because frankly I haven’t a clue what the hell they do anyway.  I should become a Life Coach or a Guru (after I repackage a bunch of old self-help programs as my own).  I’d be awesome at it.IMG_7749.JPG

Either they are brilliant or the they are morons and the line between the two is very thin at times. Much like my blog is based on what I loosely term as “advice”.  That’s why most of the posts are worthless.  But it is a worthless advice blog.

My Mentor/Guru motto: Get out there and roll around with the bears and butterflies! (Another phrase I invented that I’m sure will become an internet sensation!)

“Get out there and roll around with the bears and butterflies!” means whatever I need it to me at the time someone decides to ask me about it.  I’ll be vague and talk about mentors.  It will be prefect.

Ah, another successful “life” post!  Have an awesome day my readers!

Holidays…are they over yet?

Hopefully, your various winter holidays turned out the way you wanted.  Some of you are chasing the childhood dream of the perfect holiday…to recreate that feeling you had in your youth; waking up celebrating and opening gifts.  Perhaps your parents were awesome, the presents wonderful, the food mouthwatering, which resulted in your family making every holiday an amazing one.  Then again, while you may remember your holiday as a fantastic voyage of deightful winter images, others are trying to build a magical time to wipe away the nightmares of holidays past.  The bad food, the disappointed underwear gift from your grandma, and the ruined dried out turkey for dinner.

Whatever, you maybe feeling during this time of year, I hope you survived it.  Personally, anything that happens after Thanksgiving (American style) is a blur for me. It seems as if we rush through the days of December, we haphazardly trip over Hanukkah, Christmas, and Kwanzaa in our final push for the New Year’s Eve Day Party (which is really the only holiday party we honestly all enjoy).  Sorry, did I miss any holiday in my politically correct post?
But we don’t enjoy the coming of the New Year, do we? We think about our past year and what we wanted to do. We think of the hours we wasted on frilivous smartphone games, bad movies, and worthless advice blogs we read.  Do you have regrets? Possibly you do.  Does that make you dread the new year?

But wait, we have a New Year and a new set of goals in a few days!  And this will be the year we accomplish all the things we failed to do over this past year.  Or at least we tell yourselves we will.
So get get out there and prepare for the new year! The holidays are over, enjoy the coming of 2016!

Happy Mother’s Day! A message from your favorite Worthless Advice Blogger!

A Happy Mother’s Day to all the awesome moms that take the time to read my blog; I do appreciate you taking the time away from your kids to read my words of wisdom (or rather my Blog of Worthless Advice). Of course, by reading your blog you are really just learning how to be an even better mother than before, right?
Well, it probably has been a month since I last posted something; which is just plain awful. I was swamped with work (and still am) so I’ve put a lot of projects on the back burner. Then, when I do have free time, I’ve been working on Boy Scout projects or hikes. In fact, last month we did a service project and managed to get in a hike. I’ve decided to include my Girl Scout troop in on these hikes and the girls do just. Our last hike was on May 2 to Taylor Mountain here in King County. I thought it was going to be between 3 to 5 miles but we logged in 8.65 miles on a wonderfully sunny Pacific Northwest day! You can’t complain when you get a great hike in!
I’m still behind on my work, but I’m fairly confident, I can catch up this week. Of course, this is what I say every week. But again, I think I can do it this week. It’s all about positive thinking, right?

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