Kevin Hellriegel's Blog of Worthless Advice

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Tag Archives: MILF

It’s OK to Be Selfish

Do you sometimes put yourself on the back burner? Does your family come first at the sacrifice of your own well being?

I’ve noticed that a lot of people are making the commitment to lose weight and improve their health. I’m in the same boat. I’m working on dropping weight and trimming down. I want to be selfish and feel better about myself. But is it really being selfish?

You don’t get into shape only for yourself. You get back into shape for your loved ones. You do it for your spouse, your kids, your family. You want to be healthy so you can be with them for years to come, to drive them nuts and crazy with your oddness, your creativity, your love.

So be a little selfish. Do something for yourself that will benefit you and your family. It can anything: working out, reading a self help book, painting a photo, whatever. Just do a little selfish act that makes you happy and helps you improve your well being. Because when you are happy, your family will be happy.

Thanks for reading!

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How to Romance Your Husband

This evening I stumbled upon a blog post from a wife writing about “How to Romance Her”. It was six easy steps…or rather suggestions to romance her (or other women). I couldn’t help think to myself that as a man, I could use some romance in my life too!

Below, are seven (because six isn’t enough) romance tips to jump start that romance spark in your life.

Now, this isn’t to say my wife isn’t romantic but clearly my blog is about worthless advice and not about my marriage!! Besides, we all know my wife has to live with me and has to put up with my many highly entertaining comments. So when you see my wife’s comments below, just remember Cyndi (My Imaginary Stalker) will certainly be there to stroke my ego in the event my wife doesn’t. So if my wife isn’t romancing me, be sure to send her this blog post so she can pick up some suggestions.

However keep in mind Cyndi isn’t prefect….or is she?

Enough with Cyndi….Shall we begin with some ideas on how to Romance Your Husband?

Dress Up for Him:
Skip dressing up as a sexy maid or a hooker (trust me that ship as sailed). I would suggest dressing up as the something your husband really desires: a lawn maintenance worker that actually mows the lawn. Nothing says “sexy” as a freshly cut lawn! Or grab that leaf blower and clean out the gutters…uh, that makes you so yummy!

Write Him A Love Note:
What kind of love note? I would like to have a love note written on a $100 bill. Even if you aren’t my wife, you could still send me a $100 love note. Shh, go ahead and send it…I won’t tell!

Cook Him His Favorite Dinner:
What? It doesn’t have to be his favorite, it just has to taste good. We all want a wife that can cook and we really want one that cooks something that is actually edible. So if you are watching the Food Network 7 hours a day, for goodness sake, make sure what you serve up is worth all those hours you wasted in front of the TV.

Wear Perfume:
Sure, throw on some expensive perfume. Nothing like reminding your husband that you forget to shower for the past three days. Of course, the fact you are still in your pajamas at 5:30 in the evening and have cat puke in your hair might be a giveaway as well.

Let Him Enjoy His Hobbies Guilt Free:
Well, if your husband is into hookers and cocaine, who am I to say he needs to give up his hobbies? As a loving, supportive wife you should support his habits no matter how boring and mundane they may be. So that train geek running his toy trains in the basement isn’t so bad, is he? Maybe you prefer your husband liking hookers? It’s your choice….just be supportive.

Send a Sexy Text Message:
In between dropping the kids off at soccer practice and drinking your nonfat latte, send him a sexy text. Maybe something like “oh, I did the dishes AND the laundry today. Maybe I might just tackling ironing your shirts this afternoon….meow.” Trust me, that is a truly sexy text.

Be A Maid:
A bucket, a brush, and a clean house is way sexier than just wearing a boring old French maid costume! Don’t sell yourself short; you can be super sexy cleaning up the kitchen AND the bathroom. Don’t let anyone tell you different! Be the change you deserve in your life!

So get out there and let the romance ooze from your body! Show your husband you know how to keep the spark of romance alive!! Vacuum the living room, fold some clothes, enjoy your marriage to the fullest with my romance tips. Don’t say my blog of worthless advice didn’t you something to keep that marriage (or long term relationship) alive for one more day!

As always, your comments are welcome if you can drag your tired, weary hands across the keyboard. At least hit the “Like” button so I feel like someone (besides my mom and Cyndi) reads my blog.

Ugly Shirt…the secret plans of my Wife and Daugther

Last Saturday, I took off my wonderful black University of Washington Husky hoodie and thus exposed that I was wearing a nice polo shirt. Sadly, I was informed by my wife, daughter, and my daughter’s friend that it was ugly. The shirt wasn’t nice at all; it was ugly.

Ugly? And they let me wear it all day long and didn’t bother to tell me until then?

Oh, you can’t imagine the embarrassment and shame than filled my soul with despair upon this cruel realization.

I do believe that my wife allows me (and probably secretly encourages me) to wear ugly and out of date clothes to make sure no hot babes check me out. That the hideous shirt is allowed to be wore by me (without a warning by my family) is clear proof my wife is purposely making me look like an unattractive dresser and fashion non-diva. I’m sure she is quite content to have me look a bit goofy. Well played dear wife, well played.

Ah, she is a clever one.

My daughter just likes me to look like a goof ball. I think it is her way of rebelling. I know she thinks to herself “That shirt is ugly and I should tell him to get rid of it. However, he did make me unload the dishwasher this morning so I won’t tell him to change it. He can suffer.”

There you have it. Clearly, I have no fashion sense. All of my clothes should probably be given away and I should buy a whole wardrobe!

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Let’s Talk About YOU! (Because obviously talking about me isn’t working….)

With the weather turning to gray overcast skies, even the die hard optimist can get a bit depressed with the rainy weather. Everything around you can be depressing; the wet roads, the bad traffic, the gray skies, the rain, the gray skies, the rain, the cold 40-50 degree weather. Did I mention the gray skies and rain?

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It isn’t always bad here in the Pacific Northwest but you would think it is because of all the lousy weather we are currently having. We had great weather up until the middle of October. Now, it is the normal Seattle weather. I tend to be very busy at work (since I am a school photographer) during this time of year. I don’t notice how bad it is until I have a little breathing room. And with Daylight Savings Time ending, you really notice that it isn’t nice here anymore. It isn’t as bad as Alaska but you do notice that it gets really dark around 4 pm everyday. We haven’t even seen the worst of it yet. The shortest day of the year: December 21 Winter Solstice.

That means from now until December 21, the days will get shorter and the people of Seattle will die a little more each day.

I don’t really care. To me, it is just another day in a series of depressing days where I live my life. Oh, before you get all concerned about my well being, just know that this blog post is about you, not me. I can weather any storm my way. I just jump on YouTube and get all pumped up by listening to some Tony Robbins or Les Brown. I like the crappy weather because it forces me to look at what I’m doing in my business and life.

Now, some people can’t handle all the rain and gray skies around Seattle. They complain, they mope around, yet here they still are…wet and whining in the Emerald City called Seattle.

For me, the rain and gray skies bring my busy work season. I know during this time of the year, I’ll be making the bulk of my income as a school photographer. I know that I’ll be busy working 60-80 hours a week. I know I’ll be getting up at 5 am, putting in a 12-15 hour day. On top of my work day I will also need to be a dad, a Scoutmaster, an aikido student and teacher, and a blogger. I will be attempting to balance my work life with my personal life during the months of the fall school photography season.

My darling wife is also more than willing to point out that I pretty much have summers off (work free) as a trade off for my busy, crazy fall. However, during this hectic fall season, I also think I should be creating an online business of some sort to balance out my income. I imagine it would be extremely nice to have a summer schedule during the rest of the eight months of the year. Don’t you think it would be nice to have a few extra thousand or tens of thousands of dollars to live on and invest in my retirement? People who say money isn’t important must not be too concerned about the future (or even the present). Money can’t buy happiness? But it sure makes life a lot more enjoyable!

What makes you survive the fall season? Do you feel you live in a better area and therefore can make fun of schmucks like me?

As always your sarcastic and non-sarcastic comments are welcome! At least hit that like button!

Pumpkin Protein Shake Recipe for you whiney pumpkin lovers!

Oh, all the rage is pumpkin spice, right? I’m not a big fan of the pumpkin spice lattes but I do love pumpkin pie. I also thought a pumpkin protein shake wouldn’t be too bad. I didn’t want a lot of sugar in my protein shake since I’m doing my Fat Ass Dads Weight Loss Challenge. (I’m headed to Kauai and Maui in four months so I’m trimming down and toning up!). I was concerned that the canned pumpkin I was using was for pumpkin pies and would have lots of sugar. It actually isn’t bad in the sugar department.

A quick internet search got me to a website that had a pretty good pumpkin protein shake recipe. I wish I had bookmarked the page for you but as a lazy American male; I didn’t. Here is the basic recipe that I use these days.

1 cup Non Fat Milk
3/4 cup non fat plain Greek yogurt (because it’s the “in” thing to use)
1/2 cup to 1 cup canned pumpkin
1 teaspoon of cinnamon
1 teaspoon of nutmeg
1 scoop of Vanilla Protein Mix
1 tablespoon of ground flax seed
3-6 ice cubes (optional)

Whirl all that up in your blender and you are good to go.

You can adjust the recipe to fit your individual taste. Don’t even thinking of commenting about how much it sucks. It isn’t a real ice cream milkshake, so no whining that it doesn’t taste like that McDonald’s pumpkin milkshake, ok?

Everyday my recipe is a little different because I’m lazy and don’t measure everything perfectly. Maybe (if the mood fits me) I’ll share my peanut butter banana protein shake recipe with you in my next post.

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This is Boy Scouts, not Whiney Scouts!

Yesterday, our Boy Scout troop hiked through the Ape Caves. This isn’t the easiest of hikes, nor is it the hardest of hikes, but it is a hike. You will be walking, climbing, scrambling over piles of boulders, and getting wet. Now, my Boy Scouts took all of this in stride. However, we had some visitors (age 11) from a local Cub Scout pack with us. The Cub Scouts were fine, it is their adult leader that was a pain.

One situation that sticks out in my mind from yesterday’s hike was climbing the lava fall (like a dry waterfall). It is an eight foot wall (drop) and we were climbing up it. To be honest, if your kid likes to climb trees or climb the playground structure at his local elementary school, he can climb this wall. My Girl Scouts could climb this wall (disclaimer: My Girl Scout troop is pretty much fearless and they do an awesome job. In fact, they do a lot of things better than boys. That is for another blog post. And there is nothing wrong like “throwing like a girl”.)

So Mr. Gung Ho Webelos Leader gets to this wall and says “Oh, we can’t climb this. Looks like we need to turn around.” What? I don’t think so. We don’t give up because of a small wall. We passed little kids in this lava tube cave that made it up and down this wall. We passed people that had extra padding on themselves (they were overweight) and they made it up and down this wall. You bet your candy ass, we are making it up this wall.

Sure some of the younger scouts were a little scared but nothing to the point where they were having an epic meltdown. They were frightened but nothing to where we needed to turnaround. Using the EDGE method (Explain, Demonstrate, Guide, Enable), we allowed the older scouts to go up, then some of the younger ones, and finally the fat ass old adults.😄

We helped the Webelos Scouts up and they didn’t have a problem making it up. Sure, it might be a little scary but you don’t give up. Overcoming a little hurdle makes a big different in helping to build their self esteem and demonstrating that teamwork helps to accomplish your goals.

You also have to push your child sometimes. A little motivation from older Boy Scouts and other leaders (other than your parents) can be helpful to get over those whiney moments. A little push in the right direction never hurt anyone.

So what happen to the scouts that were a little afraid? They all made it up the wall. Five minutes later the fear of the wall was a distant memory and they were scrambling over the next pile of rocks.

I asked the scouts afterwards “Did you have fun?” This is when they all broke down, started crying uncontrollably, and said they hated me and Boy Scouts. They screamed and asked in their high pitched voices (between all the sobs and sniffles), why I made them do it.

I didn’t wait for an answer, I just turned and walked away. Jumped in the Green Van of Doom and drove myself home. Bye, bye whiney scouts!!

Some other data from the cave hike: we had six Boy Scouts ranging in ages (12-15), three registered Boy Scout Adult Leaders, a Webelos Leader, and three Webelos scouts (ages 10-11). It took our little band about 2 hours to go through the Upper Ape Cave. We started at the lower entrance and exited out thought the upper entrance. Due to recent rain, the cave/tunnel is wet and there is a lot of water dripping. Be sure to wear waterproof clothes to stay dry. Temperatures in the caves average 42 degree F year round. A single person or a group of two (in reasonably good health HWP) could probably whip through the tunnel more quickly. The hike back is very easy. Make sure you take two sources of light (headlamps were better than flashlights), extra batteries, etc. No food is allowed in the caves.

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My Latest Addiction….

Yes, I have a new addiction…well, I can’t say it is new but rather it has moved to a new level and taken a sidestep.

I love the smell of coconut.

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I found myself recently out of my manly “Extra Clean” scented body wash (I’m not quite sure what “extra clean” is really suppose to smell like but whatever it is, I like it). So while I was at the Fred Meyer store, I happened upon the soap and shampoo section. There, being the nice smelling gentleman I am, found myself at the coconut scented bottle section.

To be honest, this isn’t my first experience with coconut scented body wash. My daughter has some and I have used it. It just smells so good and makes me smell as fresh as a tropical vacation. If I could, I would use it all up for myself and never share it.

As I looked over the various bottles of coconut joy, I decided I needed to smell the scent each bottle had to offer. Honestly, I didn’t want to have an overpowering coconut scent (like a cheap cologne) or worse, have a bad coconut scent (like rotting coconuts) if I used a particular product. So naturally, I flipped open a few lids, waffed the sweet smell of coconut towards me, and enjoyed its heavenly tropical scent. Any reasonable person would have done the same, right?

As the enticing smell of coconut filled my head with visions of me on the beaches of Kauai, I noticed a lady watching me, then she started walking towards me, coming down the aisle towards me. Clearly, she was aware that I was enjoying the sweet smell of coconut a little too much in the store. Just like any good coconut addict, I hid what I was doing, did a quick sidestep, and made a path to the checkout with my coconut scented body wash. Luckily, I gave her the slip, made my purchase, and got the heck out of there.

Is it worth it? Is my latest coconut body wash worth it? According to my wife, cat, and my imaginary stalker Cyndi, yes, the coconut scented body wash is heaven in a bottle. Actually, I’m not sure my wife cares but I like to pretend my cat and my imaginary stalker Cyndi do care that I have a wonderful tropical scent now.

What is your latest addiction?

As always, your bottles of coconut scented body wash are welcome. Or you can just leave a witty comment below!

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Fat Ass Dads Weight Loss Challenge Update October 3

A couple of days ago, I came in at 215 lbs. That is 11 pounds under my starting weight of 226. Not bad since we all started the Fat Ass Dads Weight Loss Challenge around September 4. Of course one whiny father waited until after his birthday to start because he couldn’t resist stuffing his fat face full of cheeseburgers, fries, ice cream, birthday cake, and Pacific Northwest microbrews. I guess my advice was deemed worthless advice when I muttered the word: moderation.

Besides my weight loss, I’m not sure of everyone’s weight loss progress. Only two of my friends (Mark and Kris) have reported to me their weight loss. I suspect some of the Dads are hoping I forgot about it (or them) and will let this little contest faded away. But unlike my belly fat and my hair, we are all in this for the long haul.

Now, one of the Dads would like us all to have a little get together to meet all of the participants in the Fat Ass Dads Weight Loss Challenge. I’m hoping it is so he can size up the competition and see if he has a decent chance of winning. In my opinion, he could take it all. He has the most to lose and as a result would come out a huge winner.

However, if he wants to get together to talk about our “feelings” in regards to this contest and the underlying reasons behind why we are doing it, then I’m out. I’m not here to talk about personal motivation nor dive deep into some psychology babble about how my kitty cat doesn’t love me anymore and that’s why I’m fat. My personal motivation is that I have a pot belly. Sure, it doesn’t look huge because I have broad shoulders, massive biceps, and a killer smile. On top of that, my sculptured back is hard to miss. Throw my extremely good looking muscular legs that make Arnold Schwarzenegger look like a twig stick man, then it is easy to miss my belly fat. But it is there. And it is disappearing.

So you can see, I know my motivation. I don’t need to talk about my feelings. Feelings are for your special “girlfriend” you like to talk to. Sure, some people might refer to her as a whore but who am I to judge? She could be a hooker or a therapist. I’ll be neutral and use the term “friend”. Talk to your special friend about your feelings because we know your spouse doesn’t care (or your male friends for that matter) about your personal motivation.

One method I have found useful of avoiding talking about your feelings, yet will allow you to loss weight, is doing a few lines of coke off your special girlfriend’s ass. However, I think the preferred method nowadays is crystal meth. Again, not my cup of tea but to each their own, right?

All joking aside (and it is a joke people…just say “no” to drugs), the Fat Ass Dads Weight Loss Challenge continues. I’m going to continue to eat my daily salads, eat my protein, and do a killer workout.

As always, your sarcastic thoughts, gems of wisdom, and worthless advice are welcome.

Curriculum Night: How my Child will learn to Become a Mid-Level Management Suck Up

This evening I went to my daughter‘s “curriculum” night at her school. This just happens to be my last one for elementary school. Have you forgotten about curriculum night? Or maybe you are a bad parent and have never attended one before? Basically, the teacher tells you what your child will be learning over the course of the year. In the great State of Washington, goals have changed and the names of the goals have changed. We’ve had WASL goals, we’ve had Iowa tests, we’ve had critical thinking goals, MAPSAT, BS Goals, etc. The acronyms keep rolling out and the goals keep changing but it all comes down to this: we want our kids grow up with a decent brain inside their heads.

I’m all for progress and helping my child become a world thinker who is compassionate and uses critical thinking in their ever changing world of shifting paradigms while at the same time becoming a global citizen that needs to manage her own future. How about that? Is that a “mission statement” or what?

One of the new math concepts is for our students to work on the computer solving problems. Really? The teacher had a sample problem involving pizza and two kids. One kid was named Lucas. All I was thinking while she was showing us the math word problem was that Lucas was a fat pig who shouldn’t be eating 3/8 of the cheese pizza, 4/8 of the pepperoni, and ¼ of another one. That Lucas kid is going to be one fat ass kid with weight and self-esteem issues if he keeps pigging out. Poor Lucas.  Did Lucas think he found the best Seattle pizza?

Welcome back to School!

Welcome back to School!

My other concern was that it was fairly stupid to being solving this math problem on a computer. A good old pencil and paper would be a lot quicker and easier to use. How are they going to do the math on the fly if the computer isn’t there? Hmm? Are the children of today (and tomorrow) going to be able to do math without the use of a pull down menu? Could they mix art and math together and sketch out the problem on paper with a pencil and still figure it out?

Really, all I saw was that our schools were teaching our kids to rely on a computer to create a whole bunch of extra work to solve a simple math word problem. They can make pie graphs, charts, etc. That’s great but it is a simple problem. They don’t need to make a ten page report on it that is a waste of everyone’s time. Are we creating a society of mid-level managers that make reports for the heck of it and to justify their jobs?

“I have that twenty page report on why we shouldn’t eating Twinkles!” Conclusion: Uh, because they are bad for us? Or maybe we should eat them because it helps the fitness industry keep fitness instructors employed?

Over the years, I’ve learned that you need to watch less TV, get off the worthless texting and Instagram, Facebook, social media sites, and read more nonfiction (that was a big one tonight) and classic novels. I would also add you need to get out and experience life. Take the kids to museums, road trips, ferry boat rides, hikes, walks, boat rides, and feel the wind in your face.

Don’t get me wrong; I love the internet as much as you do. All the information at your fingertips, merely a click away…it’s wonderful.

Yet, I’m just as guilty as other parents and their children in letting social media run our lives. I have a hard time disconnecting from my iPhone. I have slowed down my use of social media. I have tried to make a deliberate effort not to check my phone when I’m doing activities with the family. I try to ignore that email buzz on my phone. It is hard. Sometimes I’m good and other times I’m not.

What are your thoughts about using only computers for school work these days? Will it work?

 

Labor Day Weekend – Goodbye Summer and Hello 9 month of Gray Skies!

As you can tell, Labor Day Weekend is bittersweet for me.  It marks the end of summer for both my children and me.  No more midweek sleepovers for my daughter, no more sleeping in late for my teenage son, no more weekend outdoor parties, no more me staying up late reading novels: it is all gone after this long three day weekend.  Gone like all my hopes and dreams.  Sadly, it is back to reality: We will hold hands, lift our chins high, and head back into the regular schedule of school life.  We will forget all the fun of summer and instead welcome the cool embrace of autumn.

 To be clear, the regular schedule of school life has already started.  The kids went back to school this past Thursday.  I still don’t know why our school district thinks it is a smart idea to go to school for two days, then have the Labor Day.  Do the kids learn anything for the first two days? 

 I even cracked the door to my office, sat at my desk, and did some work as well.  The cat took her usual stop and sat by my keyboard.  Yes, everything is back to the normal school life schedule of our family.

 Fondly, I look back at summer and wonder where the time went.  It seemed like yesterday I was on the steps on the Lincoln Memorial in Washington D.C., taking photographs, and enjoy the sunshine.  Please, take a moment and shed a tear.

 Now, all I have to look forward to is the upcoming schedule of work and nine months of gray skies.  My friends (that live in states that see the sun) always ask: “How can you live in Seattle with all the gray skies and rain?  Don’t you want to kill yourself?”

 Anyone from Seattle has the same answer: “Well, the summers are really nice.”

That’s it.  That is the only good answer.

Well, maybe there is a little more to it than that.  We have mild winters with no real crazy bad snow storms.  We don’t have a huge bug problem like other places.  When it is sunny, it is beautiful around here.  On a clear day, we can even see Mt. Rainier while we are stuck in traffic on southbound Interstate 5.

Side Note: Traffic around here sucks.  It doesn’t matter if it is a rainy day or a nice clear sunny day; some nitwit will crash into another person and cause a 9 mile back up on the interstate.  Nothing says Seattle rocks like crawling along an interstate highway in the rain.

Good bye summer, I’ll miss you!

 As always, I need your comments to make my existence worthwhile.  What are you going to miss most about summer?  Do you have any plans for Labor Day?

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