Lost in Dallas

My summer has been a busy one with a schedule full of family vacations and activities.  With the fun of the summer also came a great sadness as one of good college friends died this month.  It wasn’t a fair way for him to die and I have yet to hear all the details.  I don’t understand why the guy hit my friend and caused his death.  I do know that I had to attend the funeral and get some closure.

My friend Darrell had a great deal of friends besides me.  While I know everyone couldn’t make it to the funeral, my wife and I thought I should go.  A last minute flight is expensive but a friend offered a solution flying out of the Portland, Oregon airport into Dallas-Forth Worth, Texas airport.  This cut my airline flight cost by 75%.  We’d split the cost of the car rental and since I would be returning to the northwest a day earlier, I would return the car.

This isn’t my first time flying or returning a car to the rental place.  However, it was my first time returning my car to the discount rental outfit that isn’t based at the airport.  They operate out of a little kiosk in the lobby of some 2 star hotel about five minutes from the other rental car complex.  To return the car, you just need to bring the car back to the same hotel and catch the shuttle to the airport.

I left in plenty of time to get to the airport and return the car.  My flight departed at 11 pm and I stop about 20 miles from the airport around 7:50 pm for a quick bite to eat.  My phone battery was a little low and since I knew I was about to use my GPS on my phone, I plugged it in at the restaurant for a quick boost.

I recharged it a bit, fueled up the car at the local gas station, punched in the address of the car rental company and got back on the freeway.  Traffic was light and I was making great time.  I could see the city of Dallas in the setting sun and again, thought to myself that I’m making great time.  I navigated through the freeway interchanges while the GPS lead the way.

My GPS hasn’t let me down in the past and today it held true to form.  I was on time and headed in the right direction.  The GPS lead me straight to the front door of the rental company’s building….where they house their accounting department.  Uh oh.  Now it is close to 8:50 pm and I don’t have the address of the kiosk where I’m suppose to go.  I can’t remember the name of the hotel where we picked up the car and I have two hours to get to the airport.  Everyone knows you need to be at the airport at least two hours before your flight so you don’t actually miss your flight.

I grab the rental car paperwork and call the rental company.  They give me the local correct address.  According to them, I’m only 15 minutes away.  I have about 10% power left on my phone battery.  Well, I thought I had 10%.  As soon as I entered the address and get the routing map, my phone shuts off.  OK. I just saw just a piece of the map.  I know I need to get back onto one of the half dozen freeways I’m near and drive south a bit.

The area I am currently in is a construction zone and I have to recharge my phone again.  I curse myself for not bringing my car charger and for listening to Pandora (thus sucking my battery dry).  I start to tell myself not to panic.  Be calm.  I still have plenty of time; I’ll get to the airport a little later than I thought.  It’s now closer to 9 pm.  I have no landmarks to base my direction on.  It’s dark and I can’t see the city to get a bearing.

I remind myself, I don’t have any luggage to check in and I’ve printed out my boarding pass already.  I’ll be fine.  This is what I keep telling myself as I sit in construction traffic on a side road.  No, I haven’t made it to the freeway yet.  9:15 pm rolls around as I enter a KFC with my phone and charger.  I scan the fast food restaurant like a junkie looking for his dealer, finally finding the electrical outlet (there is one in the whole place right next to the soda machine) and start charging my phone.  I turn it on, bring up the GPS and mentally take notes of where I’m at and where I need to go.  It is now about 9:23 pm.

Urgh.  Now I’m starting to stress out.  I see a text message from my friend asking if I’m doing OK.  No, I’m not doing OK but I don’t have time to text him back.  I decide I’ll text him when I get to the airport.  I can see the planes taking off and landing.  I know I’m close.

I hop back into the rental car.  Following the GPS, I am lead through more construction zones and into more construction traffic.  I discover that most people are idiots and don’t know how to drive.  It’s now 9:30 pm.

I get onto the right freeway yet they have realigned the freeway and the off/on ramps.  The GPS is going nuts and rerouting me thinking I’m on the freeway….no wait…I’m on the feeder road….no, it thinks I’m on the freeway.  It tells me to go straight, no wait, rerouting…go left and use the on ramp.  There isn’t any left and there is no on ramp.  Now I’m really stressing out.  It’s got to be 9:40 pm.  GPS warns me a toll road is coming up.  What?  There wasn’t a toll road before.  I don’t care at this point as I roll up to the toll booth.  I ask the toll booth worker where Airport Freeway is.  He looks at me and says I’m going the wrong way.  Oh jeez!

Not to worry, he says, take the ticket, use the turn around and head back out to the freeway.  Give the ticket to the other toll booth guy and he’ll make sure I get on the right freeway.  I thank him, cut from the right lane across six lanes to the left side and use the turn around.  I make the turn and reach down for the ticket.  I can’t find it.  What?  I stop the car on the side, get out of the car (making sure to leave the door open so I don’t lock my keys in the car and leave the car running).  I run to the other side and try to open the passenger side.  It’s locked.  I run back around, unlock all the doors, run back to the passenger side and search for the toll booth ticket.  I can’t find it.

I don’t care what it costs, I’m leaving.  I roll up to the exit toll booth.  The guy asks for the ticket and I tell him I don’t have it.  I tell him I don’t care what you have to charge me, I’m lost, but I have got to get to the Airport Freeway.  He signs…punches in some code, tells me to cut across the six lanes and go right (south) on the freeway.  I thank him and gun the engine.  It is now 9:50 pm.  My flight leaves at 11 pm.

My phone dies again.  GPS is killing my phone and my nerves.  Again, I tell myself not to panic.  I devise a plan to bribe the shuttle driver to take me straight to my airline and gate.  I also am driving too fast and looking for anywhere to plug in my phone.  Again, reminding myself to bring my car phone charger on my next trip.  It is now 9:56 pm.

I take the first exit that looks like it as some kind of restaurant or gas station I can get my phone charged at.  I have the air conditioner blasting because it is 95 degrees outside, I’m nervous as hell, and I’m stressed like a crazy man.  I chuckle to myself with the thought that if my wife was in the car she probably would have killed me by now.  Of course, she would have a fully charged phone and would have the right address in the first place.  We also would have been at the airport an hour ago and sitting at our gate.  Next time, I’m bringing her.

I see a Starbucks and it is actually open late.  I run in, plug in my phone but don’t turn it on.  It charges faster when it is off and I run back out to the car to get a paper and pen.  I’m taking notes this time in case the phone dies yet again.  It is 10:01 pm.  I let the phone charge and flip it on.  I scan the GPS map.  I’m 20 minutes away?  For Pete’s sake!  I run back out to the car. And take off.  I’m driving too fast and race around the on ramp (thankfully, I had purchased a 15 lap NASCAR racing car course in June) and avoid spinning out on the ramp.

This time my GPS actually stays on and I make the 20 minute journey in 14 minutes.  I whip in front of the hotel front doors and race inside.  It is now 10:15 pm.  I apologize to the rental guy.  He asks when my flight is.  I tell him 11 pm.  From the expression on his face and the words out of his mouth, I know I’m screwed.  He knows the shuttle isn’t going to get me there in time.  He tells me to get in the car, he’ll take me himself.

He goes on to mention he doesn’t know which gate my airline flies out of.  Luckily, I do.  He looks up my flight.  It’s on time.  We jump in the car and we take off.  He also goes on to mention that he hasn’t heard of anyone making the flight after coming in this late.  I’m praying I’m the exception.

At least he knows which way to go.  I take a mentally note that I would have gone in the wrong direction if I was driving.  Again, thankfully he is driving.  We get to the toll booth and the guy stops us.  The automatic machine can’t read our license plate because the idiot behind us is too close to our bumper.  He has to get out of the booth and walk all the way to the back of the car and manually write down our license number.  The rental guy says this would happen since we are in a hurry.

We finally get our toll booth ticket.  The airport is seconds away.  I still need to get through security and then get to my gate.  My rental car guy is about to go to the wrong section of the airport.  No, gate E33 go to the next section.  He pulls up to the curb.  I slap a nice tip in his hand and leap out of the car.  I haven’t a clue what time it is since my phone has died yet again.

I run up the escalator (almost running over some old lady who sees I’m in a hurry and quickly sidesteps out of my way).  I’m at the main level (I hope) and I’m looking for any clue on which way to go.  Where is my gate?  Where am I?  I see baggage pick up, I see arrivals, where is the entrance?  Finally, I look to my left and see the “TO ALL GATES” sign.  I cut though the crowd and see the line for the TSA check station.  I have my license and ticket in hand.  Still, I have no clue what time it is and where my gate is from here.  There are ten people in line in front of me and half don’t speak English as their first language.  I’m never going to get through this line and I still need to go through the X-Ray and body scanner station.

The line actually moves quickly.  I’m already taking my belt off and my shoes while the TSA worker looks at my driver’s license.  The next station is the X-ray machine and every person in front of me seems to have a huge backpack, a laptop, and a sense of stupidity.  Now hard is it to take off your shoes?  How hard is it to place your bag on the conveyor belt for the x-ray machine?  To the people in front of me, it seems to be really hard.  Really? Who carries that many coins in their pocket?

I grab a bin, throw my stuff in it, and throw it and my backpack on the conveyor belt.  I cut in front of the people trying to figure out the bin rack.  I wait in line for the body scanner (again thinking maybe I should tell people I’m an idiot and really late for my flight maybe they’ll let me go ahead of them).  I make it through the scanner, grab my stuff, slip on my shoes and prepare to run for my flight. I look to the left and see gate E15.  Oh great, my gate is E33. I look to my right to make sure I’m headed in the right direction and it is gate E33.  What?  Gate E33 is next to E15?

The seats in the waiting area aren’t crowded.  There is no clock at the counter nor a sign telling me if the flight is on time, they are boarding or what time it is.  I run up to the counter and ask have you started to board.

No, they haven’t!  I made it.  My phone is dead and won’t turn on either.  I can’t send a text to my wife or to my friend to say I safely made it.  They start boarding and I take my seat.  On the flight home, I reflect about my mistakes.

As I told my friend back in Seattle this story, I comment that I believe my friend Darrell was watching out for me as my guardian angel.  He laughs at me, and says that my friend my friend was probably screwing with me one last time.  Yeah, he probably was but at least he made sure I made my flight.

Dedicated to my good friend Darrell DeSouza!  Thanks for the memories!

 

Peculiar Podcast with Pat Cashman & Lisa Foster

Sorry about not blogging the past several weeks.  Work has been keeping me really busy and I just couldn’t bring me to write anything for the blog.  I know, I’m letting you and my imaginary stalker Cyndi down.

However, I have been inspired to write again.  I have to give thanks to one of my friends who casually mentioned “Mind your Manners with Billy Quan”.  This brought me back to my youth when I use to watch a local Seattle comedy show called “Almost Live”.  After a search of YouTube, I watched a number of old “Mind your Manners” clips, reliving some of youth.

Of course, one of my favorite actors on the “Almost Live” show was Pat Cashman.  Now I’m not expert on Pat Cashman, however I can pretend I’m one.  Pat Cashman had a great morning radio show that was cancelled due to a poor management decision at the radio station he was employed at.  At least that is my opinion (and we know I’m right 97.9 % of the time).  So I did a Google search and I found that Pat Cashman and Lisa Foster were now doing a podcast.  I was delighted beyond belief (well, again, you can believe it).  Their podcast is called Peculiar Podcast with Pat Cashman and Lisa Foster http://peculiarpodcast.com.

I’ve been going backwards from their newest podcast to their oldest podcast and I love them.  It reminds me of the radio show and I really enjoy the banter between Pat and Lisa.  I even took the step and emailed Lisa and Pat.  My email to them was witty and thoughtful (like my blog postings).  Lisa was immediately enthralled with my amazing sense of humor that is portrayed in my writing.  I was very pleased that Lisa took the time out of her busy schedule and wrote back to me.

As you can imagine, I’ve introduced their podcast to my cat Ms. Meow Meow and my imaginary stalker Cyndi.  Both have “liked” Pat and Lisa on their Facebook pages thanks to my recommendation.

I know you’ll enjoy their podcast as much as I do.  Click on over to their website, listen to some of their podcasts, email them and tell them to link their website to my blog.  Then email them again and tell them they should have me as a guest on their podcast.  Remember, Ms. Meow Meow and Cyndi (my imaginary stalker) have already taken to emailing them on a daily basis so your email to them would be a welcome relief from their daily emails.

Google Yourself! Who comes up #1?

Since my blog (Kevin’s Blog of Worthless Advice) skyrocketed to Number 9 under the search of “worthless advice” in Google, I thought I’d better check the term “Kevin Hellriegel”.  Just to be fair to myself and my imaginary stalker Cyndi, everyone and their cat Mr. Mittens “Googles” themselves to see what pops up under their name and how bad the results are.  I luckily come up with good results because I’m really just totally awesome.

Well most of it is good except for the fact instead of my photography business coming up as Number 1, my sarcastic blog of worthless advice comes up as Number 1.

That could be a problem because I can be a bit of a rude sarcastic writer on my blog.  I wouldn’t want someone to think ill of me.  Who am I kidding?  People think ill of each other all the time.  They just like to pretend they aren’t mean.

My worthless advice for today: To get to a Number 1 Google rank is to narrow your search to be super specific.  Unless your name is “Joe Smith” and you live in a cave without any internet presence, you should appear on Google’s ranking fairly high.  When you search “Kevin Hellriegel”, I come up as Number 1.  See, isn’t that some awesome worthless advice?  I bet you wished I could come in and doing some marketing for your worthless brand, don’t you?

How I got my Blog to Number 9 on Google!

How I got my Blog to Number 9 on Google!

Yes, I’m ripping a hole into the world of Internet Marketing with my amazing ascent into the Number 9 ranking on Google!

Sure, it’s tough to get to the top of the page listings but someone I managed to do it.  With the billions and billions of web pages out there, you must be wondering how I did this!

It is really quite simple, a secret that bring the SEO marketing gurus to their knees.

You just have to make your search term so simple that it is the first one that pops up!  In my case, it is “worthless advice”.  Yup, that’s the term “worthless advice”.  Sure, it probably gets barely any searches (I mean who wants “worthless advice”?) but it is still ranked Number 9.

Now, to be fare, I haven’t even shown up on the first page of Bing or Yahoo!  I feel sad about that.  However, by taking my own “worthless advice” I’m sure I’ll crack their code too and quickly jump to the top of their rankings as well!

St. Patrick’s Day

St. Patrick’s Day

I forgot that yesterday was St. Patrick’s Day.  Luckily, I wore a spot of green on a T-shirt I was wearing (however, to be honest, I think it was a bit of salad from lunch).

I didn’t have any green beer, nor did I drink any Irish whiskey.  My family didn’t have and corn beef, potatoes, or cabbage.  I failed my Irish ancestors miserably.

I did remind my kids that it was St. Patrick’s Day and to wear green.  They actually listen to me.  I should have mentioned to them that you are supposed to not fight or argue with your siblings that day too.

So today, I, Kevin Hellriegel make the promise to pay more attention to the various holidays that occur everyday of the year and dress appropriately to said holiday.  If it is National Field Hockey Day, I’ll dress up in a field hockey outfit, if it is National School Spirit Day (September 12, 2012), I’ll dress up as a Kapa’a High Warrior or a UW Husky!  And if it is Naked Hiking Day…well, I’ll break  my promise and skip that one!

Ugly Pink Shirts

The one thing I really like about the website Photobucket.com is you can search for random terms and find a bunch of photos totally unrelated to the term you were looking at.  These results can be very entertaining.  Most photos on the website are just family snapshots, not professionally quality.  That is perfectly ok.   People are creating wonderful memories and saving these images for themselves, their friends, and people like me!

Since they don’t change their privacy settings, their images are there for public viewing.  This is a wonderful opportunity for people like me, that stumble upon their Kauai vacation photos, their cat photos, and gives me the  inspiration to create a blog entry out of their photos.  God (and my imaginary stalker Cyndi) only knows how many people see my photos of my cat Meesha and I on Facebook.  One minute you send a simple photo message to your wife and then it ends up on Facebook.

Since I am fairly boring, I dress in muted plain colors for my job as a school photographer.  Please see my entry “Busy As a Bee”  for my “Dad Uniform”.  I can’t say the say that I wear flashy colors in my photos.  One color I refuse to wear is pink.  It doesn’t look good on me.  My cheeks always are a little read and a pink shirt just looks bad on me.  I’d look like I was about to have a heart attack  if I worn pink with my red cheeks.

Getting back to bad photos, Photobucket, pink shirts, and lack of privacy settings allows us to see people’s photo albums and a father wearing an ugly pink shirt.

Maybe these guys can pull it off, however, I know I can’t wear the ugly pink shirt.  I accept that.  I’ll leave the pink shirt to other fathers.

On a side note…If these guys think it is dangerous enough to wear rubber gloves, whole body safety suits, and oxygen masks then why in the world would you be standing there in just your pink shirt and white summer retiree shorts?  These guys are wearing hazmat suits and oxygen masks for some reason.  Don’t you think that perhaps you should get out of there? I certainly wouldn’t be standing around with my white shorts and pink shirt with a stupid grin on my face.

Secret Confession

I like mindless action movies like every other guy.  The fists of fury, the explosions, the car crashes, the scantily clad woman actresses, and the endless corny jokes.  It’s all good stuff.

However, I have a secret…I enjoy the trashy drama movies on the LMN (Lifetime Network).  Only you and my imaginary stalker Cyndi now know.  Why would I like this stuff?  It’s a train wreck in every movie.  Lots of betrayal, murder, cheating, insecure relationships, drinking, poor judgment, stalking, death.  And that’s the first half hour of any Lifetime movie!

My biggest excitement is when the cheater’s lover ends up dead!  I know it’s coming and I can’t wait.  Sure, it is predictable (it’s a movie) but it is so fun to watch.

Basically, the moral of any Lifetime movie is….well, there is no moral.  Someone will end up dead and the killer is either a) spouse b) close friend c) stranger (oh big surprise) or d) the photographer.

Yes, every time a photographer is in the movie, he’s the killer.  That is a know movie law that is true like the law of gravity.  Oh, there is a photographer in the movie?  Yup, he is the psycho/killer/stalker.

Getting back to the moral of the story: don’t cheat.  You or your lover will end up dead usually killed by the photographer you hired to photograph your cat Mr. Mittens flocking in the daisies.  A bit of a bummer, isn’t it?

 

The Biggest Loser Show

Biggest Loser

I must admit that I like The Biggest Loser and enjoy the weight loss the contestants’ experience.  The one complaint I have about the show is the weigh in segment of the show.  It drives me nuts with the digital scale numbers going up and down, the beeping (like a bad flashback to the “Price is Right” show).  You know as soon as the contestant steps on the scale, the correct weight will appear, and we should know that immediately.  The ten beeps and the imaginary suspense is just plain stupid.  The contestant isn’t jumping up and down to confuse the scale.  It’s just stupid tv nonsense.

Really, I would much prefer the beeping and the random numbers to done with.  Make more time for those fabulous commercials from the major corporate sponsors.

For your musical enjoyment!

I always enjoy a good song from Ty Willman.  Here is latest project with his band nine50nine

 

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Nine50nine/132091930221131

Pajamas in Public…Just Say No!

  I recently wrote about my travels to Kauai and how I disliked the airline system now.  Upon talking with my friend today, he mentioned that I had totally forgotten to mention how much I hate passengers who wear their pajamas while traveling.  Mind you, it isn’t just airline travel I see this trend happening in.  I also notice it in the grocery stores, at gas stations, and even at my kids’ school (most often parents being the offenders of good taste).

  It floors me to see grown ups wearing Hello Kitty pajamas at 3:20 pm in the afternoon.  For example, I was walking my daughter home with her friends and two adults were putting something in their car wearing their pajama bottoms like khaki slacks.  It is 3:20 in the afternoon and I have to see your Hello Kitty pajamas?  How old are you? Three years old?

  Getting back to the air travel pajama problem, I really don’t think that as an adult I need to see your pajamas.  The only acceptable people that are allowed to wear pajamas on an airline flight are children under the age of 5.  If the kids are in Kindergarten, I’ll cut them some slack.  However, first grade and above, you need to put on your “big boy” pants and act respectful.  Heck, the next thing we’ll see is teenagers wearing diapers and pooping their pants on a cross country flight.  How would you like to sit next to that mess on a five hour flight?

  So grown up and stop wearing your pajamas around like they are a pair of jeans.  Society made sweatpants so you could wear pajama style clothes in public.  Sweatpants are marginal more acceptable to wear in public.  You really should wear sweatpants when you are working out at the gym or jogging in the park.

Places I don’t want to see you wearing your pajamas:

At my kids’ school

Grocery stores

Gas stations

Post Office

Shopping malls

7-11

Liquor stores

Pizza parlors (really any kind of restaurants)

  Again: Grow up, wear some jeans, some khaki slacks, or even a kilt or skirt.  Leave the pajamas at home so I can keep my lunch down.  Just give me one day where I don’t get grossed out by your lack of compassion to my sensitive stomach.