Too Many People Feeling Worthless And How I Can Help!

~ K ~ 2 Comments

I have to admit that I’m beginning to worry that chosen field of worthless advice may be becoming too crowded.  Most advice out there is worthless but at least I admit my advice is worthless and awesome.  However, the term “worthless” is being thrown around out there by everyone trying to butt in on my niche.  It is becoming annoying and rather troublesome to think that now I really have to pump out the worthless advice.

These clever imitators try to offer “helpful” advice but we know it is really “worthless”.  Top Ten Lists are the worst offenders making it easy to muck up the reader’s life by following the bullet points.  Worthless advice isn’t easy to dish out in a cookie cutter fashion.  You must be skilled at it.  You have to know that your advice really won’t help anyone but yourself.

As I scorn through the vast information highway, a simple search through my WordPress Reader makes me sick when I use the term “worthless”.

Bring on the depression when you click on the link to any blog with the term “worthless” in it.  I fall deep into a person’s written account of how they feel worthless and I need to fight the strong urge to stab my eyes with a letter opener to stop the insanity.  Then I realize that all the letter openers are in landfills because no one writes letters anymore and all those noble letter opener manufacturers are bankrupt.

Are these blogs I’ve stumbled upon really worthless?  Probably not.  Most of the writers admit that they have a good family life, a good home, and food in their stomachs but they feel worthless.  I just want to slap them upside the head and tell them to stop complaining.  Things could be worse for them.  They have access to the internet and time to write a blog about feeling worthless.  They could be stuck watching a local production of a musical by a bunch of untalented elementary students singing off key and missing their cues.

But then again, maybe they have some mental issues and I’m not being sensitive.  I understand mental issues and the problems they bring.  I know that the chemical imbalance causes havoc in the mind and crazy stuff happens.  I read a few of those crazy bloggers and they are some of the best blogs around.  You have to love craziness.

So I won’t slap them upside the head because I am sensitive (shhh…don’t tell anyone) and I do have a heart.  I usually write a positive uplifting comment on their blog to give them some encouragement.  Jeez, I’m getting soft, aren’t I?  Next thing you know I’ll be adopting sixteen cats and starting an animal shelter in my basement.  And even that wouldn’t be worthless to me or my sixteen kitty cats because I would be an awesome Crazy Cat Guy.

DSCI0327Good luck on your blog and write your witty comments below.

So why don’t you get off your lazy butt and write something?

~ K ~ 3 Comments

So why don’t you get off your lazy butt and write something?

OK folks.  I’ve been quite neglectful in my blog writing.  Sure, I could blame it on the holiday season and say I was too busy hanging up my holiday lights all over my house, my trees, my rocks, my roof to write anything remotely exciting (or sarcastic for that matter).  But the truth is (since we are being honest, aren’t we?) I have been lazy for the past month or two.

Maybe I’m in the mist of trying to discover myself?  Or perhaps the hot butter rum was just so delightful that I could hardly string a few words together to make a sentence much less write a blog for you to read.

Even my imaginary stalker Cyndi is disappointed in my lack of writing.  I’m sorry to let her and you down.

I didn’t even wish you a Happy New Year and it is already January 7 of 2014!  Man, I am scum, aren’t I?

Let’s start writing, shall we?  Let’s talk about your New Year’s Resolutions that will fail miserably.  My worthless advice: Never make New Year’s Resolutions.  You are setting yourself up for failure.  Instead, commit to a lifestyle change for the better (why would anyone make a change for the worse?).  Choose to exercise more and to eat healthier.  Choose to read a good novel, choose to drink less alcohol, choose to limit your Facebook time stalking your ex-girlfriend (or ex-spouse), choose to get your finances in order, choose to follow my blog by subscribing to it.  Just make the choice to improve yourself.  Certainly subscribing and promoting (and sharing) my blog is a good choice for you.

See?  Isn’t that better than a worthless New Year’s Resolution?  Make better choices in life.  And your spouse says I never write anything “uplifting” in my blog.  Poppycock I say!

I look forward to offering a new batch of worthless advice to you and your fellow mankind in 2014!  Let the games begin!

Thanksgiving is Over! Bring on the Old Fat Guy in a Red Suit!

~ K ~ 4 Comments

Ah, the big Thanksgiving holiday here in America is over.  You can now bring on the Black Friday sales and the endless hours of holiday music.  Who can wait for the crowds at the malls and the endless lines that are produced by Black Friday?

 As you can imagine, I’m not one who gets up early to get the best deals on Black Friday.  My family is lucky that I even buy them anything at all consider how uninspired I am when it comes to gift giving.  I really haven’t a clue on what is a good gift.  I know you aren’t supposed to give kids liquor or cigarettes but beyond that I’m pretty clueless.

 If you talk to me, all you get is a bunch of worthless advice on what people want.  Sure, I seem like an expert because of my awesome blog (and I probably am) but gift giving is not one of them.

 I do know that some people frown upon the idea that all gifts are worthless.  I can tell you that you can find worthless gifts everywhere if you look hard enough.

 Where to Find Some Worthless Gifts:

Garage Sales – totally awesome place to find gifts that are totally worthless.  Plastic containers without lids, clothes that are too small, too big, far too ugly, broken toys, empty Mason jars, etc.

Hardware Stores – While this might be the perfect store for a man, for a woman it is the worst.  What woman wants a hammer for a gift?

Auto Part Stores – Almost as bad as the Hardware Store.  No one likes new windshield wipers or motor oil as a gift.

Things you shouldn’t buy as Gifts:

Artwork – your taste in artwork is not the same as your friends.  Of course, you can certainly use some bad artwork to annoy your friends.

Clown Related Items – this stuff is just scary.  I grew up watching The Poltergeist movies and Stephen King’s “It”.  Clowns scare me to death.

Ashtrays – I don’t smoke so I have a total bias against ashtrays.  Hence they are totally worthless to me.

Garden Items for Apartment Dwellers – I don’t think your cousin that lives in an apartment in New York City really needs a shovel.  Unless he is a serial killer, that shovel is worthless.

Bathroom Scales – unless you are shipping large packages, don’t bother buying a scale as a gift.  Your spouse doesn’t need to be reminded about how much they ate over the holidays.

Stuffed Animals for Adults – you aren’t a redneck at the country fair.  Just leave the stuffed animals for the children under ten years old.

 Enjoy the rest of the weekend and good luck with your holiday shopping.  I know you’ll need it.

Thanksgiving 2013

~ K ~ 1 Comment

Thanksgiving is tomorrow here in the United States and I’m usually out of town with no internet access.  This year is different, this year fate has told me to stay home with the family and enjoy the wonders of my neighborhood.   As you know, this also allows me the chance to write a blog post and reflect what I should be thankful for.

Am I thankful for family, friends, or a great dinner?

Dinner brings on a set of interesting items to discuss.  Now that friends and family know we are in town, our Thanksgiving dinner has ballooned from a reasonable dinner of eight to a huge dinner of 21-23 people.  I assume the range of possible guest attending is due to the guest’s lack of commitment to our dinner.  I really don’t mind a huge gathering because Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays.  No gifts involved but lots of food and good drink to make everyone healthy, wealthy, and wise.  I feel like a Viking getting ready for a raid after I gouge myself on a turkey dinner and fine drink.

Ready the oars!

I’m also fortunate to have a wife who knows how to cook a turkey and other side dishes.  The meal will be worth it.

So enjoy your Thanksgiving dinner and enjoy the time with your friends and family.  That’s if you can stand your family.

Kevin’s Summer Camp of Practical Life Skills

~ K ~ 1 Comment

Never Too Early for Summer Camp Plans….Welcome to Kevin’s Summer Camp of Practical Life Skills!

Why not learn life skills?
Why not learn life skills?

I’ve decided to offer a summer camp at my house next summer.  Most of the summer camps work to improve the children but lack a real sense of accomplishment for the participants.  The projects the kids bring home are pretty drawings and bracelets made of cheap plastic beads.  Yet are the kids learning anything that prepares them for real life?  In my opinion, most bead projects are total waste of time because there are millions of underpaid kids in China doing that kind of work in a quarter amount of the time and for a tenth of the wage.

It is simple economics, your kids should be learning skills that can make them money or save them money.  Is a bead bracelet project really going to help them in real life?

Now some summer camps are fun.  Soccer camp, swim camp, basketball game; these are all camps that your child might actually enjoy and benefit from.

But as a parent, you also need to benefit from your child attending summer camp.  At my summer camp, I plan to offer such great classes such as House Painting, Deck Restoration & Refinishing, Pond Building & Maintenance, Building a Hot Tub, Yard Maintenance, and Window Replacement & Enhancement.

From my informal survey of fathers, this seems like a worthy endeavor.  Imagine your children learning valuable home improvement skills and hands on job skills that will ensure future job employment.  The kids will be able to bring home these skills and you (as a parent or even a grandparent) will benefit.  Imagine your kids painting your house, all by themselves, at a faction of the cost of a professional painting company.  For a small summer camp investment in your children, you can save thousands of dollars by having your children paint your house.  It is a win-win situation.

Is anything better than investing in children’s future?  The children of this world are our future; why not make sure they learn something that benefits their parents and themselves?

I’m currently working on the cost and length of training.  But really, does this knowledge come cheaply?  Wouldn’t you pay a few dollars for this training?  Definitely a bargain at any price, I assure you.  If you are interested in Kevin’s Summer Camp of Practical Life Skills, please make sure to leave your comments and ideas below.

Don’t forget to share this post with your friends, family, and fellow parents; I need the business and more blog followers!

 

Why My Worthless Blog Advice is Doomed to Failure

~ K ~ 6 Comments

It’s November and I’m really trying to get back into the swing of writing my blog.  It’s not easy coming up with worthless advice for my fans to enjoy.  The burden of writing worthless advice is far more difficult that writing about good advice.  My followers always want me to fight the evils of good advice and I hope I fulfill their needs.

And it isn’t an easy battle.  I always try to instill a sense of greatness into my blogs but often fail.  There is nothing more annoying that all the mountains of great advice you can find on the internet.  There is a lot of bad advice as well but worthless advice is in short supply.

It really doesn’t help that I haven’t be motivated to write because my life has been busy.  Writing is an excellent escape for me and I enjoy it.  I just sometimes have a hard time thinking of witty things to write about.  But then again, who doesn’t have a bit of writer’s block once in a while, right?

Unlike my Facebook page, I do attempt to make this blog interesting.  If you are a Facebook friend you know I barely keep that updated.  Let’s face it; social media is a huge burden.  I am often lost in the huge arena of the internet and the vast outlets of how one can promote themselves and their blogs.  How can I keep up?  I’d need an army of teenage girls to explain and keep me posted (and others posted).  I should consider outsourcing my blog or having guest writers if I want to keep this worthless advice blog going.

Now is the time for you to throw out those great suggestions on what to write about.  Brainstorm and hit that comment button below.

Did you miss me?

~ K ~ 4 Comments

Yes, I know I have not written or posted anything since August 30 on my blog which is plain awful.  It really is shameful if you think about it.  I have a great deal of wonderful excuses I could give you for not writing but it all comes down to laziness.  Ah, our old friend “laziness” has reared its ugly head and I use it as an excuse.

 To be honest, I have been busy but that isn’t a good excuse for letting my dear blog readers just sit there and wait for my next entry.   I know you have been waking up every morning, opening your smartphone app or your laptop, checking your email to get that notification that a new blog is up.  Yet, I have failed you.

 You have probably felt a little lost, maybe even abandoned, but I’m here for you again.  I’m back and I promise we’ll have lots of fun adventures in the next few months.  Lessons will be learned, wonderful advice will be given, and your life will be on the upswing again.

 All this just from reading my blog.  Are you lucky? Or maybe even blessed?

 Don’t you feel special already?  The best part of feeling special is that it makes you want to post comments below and have a really cool photo on my blog post.

Worthless Advice: Back to School Tips from Your Uncle Kev

~ K ~ 2 Comments

I sometimes forget that I am here to help my readers in their life.  Now, I know everyone doesn’t have kids in school and some of my readers look to me as an inspiration to when they make the choice to have children.  Seriously, I am an awesome father that knows how to raise awesome children.  Who wouldn’t want some worthless advice from me?

For those of you with children, you will probably learn from my worthless parenting advice that you have been raising your children all wrong.  Yes, you are incorrect in the way you parent your offspring.  Perhaps there is still time for you to reverse those bad parenting habits you have learned from the so-called “experts” out there.

One of the major things we worry about is when our kids go to Back to School and whether they will survive.  Will they be able to make it through a day without us?

To prep your child for the first day of school (and the beginning of another exciting year of learning! Oh yeah!), you should set up an imaginary school at home.

 Bullying:

Have your children dress up in the worst possible clothing combinations and make fun of their clothes.  This teaches them that bullies come in all shapes and sizes and they aren’t safe anywhere….even in their own home!

Lunch:

Ask your kids what they want for lunch.  To simulate a school lunch, take these tips to heart.  If they want hot pizza, make sure it is cold and half cooked.  If they want a cold sandwich, warmth it up so it taste terrible.  Make sure the milk is warm too.  Nothing like that taste of spoiled milk to ruin your child’s appetite!

School Supplies:

Do you get those crazy school supply lists?  We do.  I merely view them as suggestions.  If every parent bought everything on the list then the teacher would have way too many school supplies.  You should be that one parent that holds out and refuses to be a puppet in the educational supply purchasing machine complex that is controlled by our robot overlords.

Backpacks:

One way to strengthen your child’s back is to overload their backpack with useless stuff.  Throw in their favorite rock you collected from your back yard.  Add in a brick from the neighbor’s walkway.  Have them take cans of food back and forth to school.   What doesn’t break their little spines and spirits makes them stronger!

Reading:

Did your kids read during the summer?  Well, if they didn’t your kid is probably in the same boat with about 80% of the other kids in their class.  Not to worry, you can still have them read a cereal box or an old phonebook.  That counts as reading doesn’t it?

Good luck with your student this year!  Only 179 more school days for my kids until Summer Vacation 2014.

First Day of School! Happiness returns to my Home!

~ K ~ 8 Comments

Back to School!Today was the first day of school for the Kent School District here in the rainy Puget Sound area.  To be honest, I cannot remember any first day of school being so rainy.  Sure, maybe we did have a rainy day on Kauai when I was a kid but usually in the Seattle area we luck out with no rain on the first day of school.  Most years, we enjoy a nice September of great sunny weather (and wish our kids were out of school in September instead of rainy June).  Last year, we had awesome sunny weather until October 1st.

That doesn’t mean that our Labor Day Weekend is always good.  We’ve had Labor Day Weekends full of solid, miserable rain where we were stuck in the lake house the whole three day weekend.  On the bright side, this upcoming Labor Day Weekend is looking fairly good according to the TV weather folks.

Yet happiness has returned to our household with the first day of school.  Over the summer, the kids did argue and have a few fights.  I know that is shocking considering what an awesome father I am and how well behaved my children are.  I also may have forgotten to feed my daughter lunch a few times during the summer.  But in my defense, she is 10 and knows how to make a sandwich.  Besides, I was doing yard projects and my hands were dirty….well, not really I wear gloves…gotta keep my hands soft.

The kids returning back to school is always a mixed bag for me.  I like having my kids around but I need them to go back before I go nuts.  The internet and Xbox can only entertain your kids so much during the summer before you actually have to do something with them.  You know, take them to a beach, do a vacation together, etc.

However, our summer is now over.  It just blew by in a hasty mess of activities, summer camps, vacations, and trips and still left me with the feeling that I didn’t do enough with my kids.

So for the next 9 months of school, I’ll plan a really fun summer of 2014.  We’ll do a bunch of hiking, road trips, vacations, river rafting, and stay weeks on end at fancy resorts paid by my hugely successful Blog of Worthless Advice!  So hit that “Like” button now.  Make some insane comments and have your cute photo below this post!

A Must Have for Every Music Collection!

~ K ~ 4 Comments

Luckily, a few weeks back while I was on vacation in Newport, Oregon, I found a music CD that will make every road trip more enjoyable forever!  I was given this idea by a friend Kris who did a huge road trip with his sons to Boy Scout camp.  How I envied him and his kids after I heard what kind of music CD he had and all I could think about was I must look high and low for this remarkable music CD.

It is a CD that everyone should have.  But what is it?

It is called “Irish Drinking Songs”.  It really doesn’t matter who the artist is, you should have this CD in your music collection (or download it and add it to your ITunes collection).  If you happen to be Irish, like to drink, and know all the Irish drinking songs, then you get a pass on not having this CD in your collection (or on your iPod)Irish Drinking Songs

However, for the rest of you, it is a must have!  Think of the hours of pure enjoyment and bliss you’ll have singing along to songs like “Wild Rover” and “Bog Down in the Valley-O”.  You don’t really sing along as much as mumble along to these delightful tunes.  Frankly, I can’t understand most of the words the singer is singing but at least I can pretend to know what the heck the singer is singing.

I’m pretty sure that I can find the lyrics online and really learn these songs but what would be the fun in that?  It is much more exciting to mumble along and struggle to understand the thick Irish tongue.

What if you don’t drink?  Not a problem, just because these songs are called Irish Drinking Songs doesn’t mean you have to drink when you sing them.  I’m driving my car when I am listening to the songs so I can’t be drinking alcohol.  But I can still treat myself to these wonderful tales of woe and misfortune that only the Irish can truly express in song.

With Irish Drinking Songs, I know my whole family will be banded together in common song on any road trip.  Even a short jaunt to the neighborhood store should allow us a tune or two to soak in.  Can you imagine if I have to drive up to Seattle in morning traffic?  I almost faint in the sure joy it will bring knowing I can listen and sing along to the songs while stuck in the Seattle crawl of doom.  Perhaps there will be hope when I have to drive to Bellevue by myself, hope in the form of an Irish Drinking song!

So raise your glass and toast to the Irish Drinking Songs CD I have recently acquired!

As always your comments are enjoyed and encouraged.  And hit that “Like” button so you can make my writing career skyrocket upwards to fame and fortune.