Category: Humor

Whoa! Dropping some Acid in the Garden

~ K ~ 1 Comment

Don’t worry; this isn’t a journey into the mind of a drug user or a bad acid trip.   

 It’s about killing those pesky weeds in your garden, flower beds, and yard by using our household pal Vinegar.  Tired of spending your hard earned dollars on expensive, commercial chemical weed killers?  Try using vinegar to kill those unwanted weeds.

Why vinegar?  Vinegar is a natural weed killer you can use in your yard without worrying about killing off your pets or kids.  It is inexpensive, non-toxic, fast acting, and doesn’t cause long term damage to the soil.  It works best on warm, dry days. I know finding those days here in the Seattle area might be tough, but when they do come, whip out that spray bottle of vinegar and kill those weeds!
I have my own special receipe that I use to make a custom weed killer.

-Quart of vinegar

-1/4 cup of salt

-1/4 tablespoon of table salt

I usually mix this up in a quart spray bottle I purchased from the local grocery store. Shake it a few times and now you are ready to kill the weeds.

Keep in mind, that this natural weed killer will also kill your grass, flowers, and other plants you love. Be careful when you are spraying.

It is easy, cheap, and non toxic. Good luck and enjoy!

I put Cocaine on my Roof….

~ K ~ 7 Comments

I live in the Pacific Northwest (Seattle area) and it is damp and rainy here about 97% of the time.  Perhaps, that is not entirely true but we have 226 cloudy days (4th most in the United States) and another 81 partly cloudy days.  Now, I’m not a math genius but that’s a lot in anyone’s book.

So we have a moss problem on our roofs.  I mentioned to my friend that the moss build up on my roof looked awful and I need to go buy some moss killer at the local hardware store.  He suggested to me, use baking soda.  It’s natural and you just put it on the top ridgeline of the roof when the roof is dry.  The rain comes and gently washes it down your roof and kills the moss.  The moss dies, and you can sweep off the dead moss or use your leaf blower to blow it into your neighbor’s yard.

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Who wants to cook their minds?

At Costco, I purchased a huge bag (13.5 pound bag) of Arm and Hammer baking soda for about $7.  I have a fairly large roof so I dumped about ¾ of the bag on it.  I went along the top of the roof ridge with a line on each side of the tip so the baking soda would be washed down both sides of the roof.  My son mentioned it looked like lines of cocaine on my roof.  Thanks son!  My daughter commented it looked ghetto (sweet!  I love to be “that” house in the neighborhood).  I’m always striving to be that house that stands out amongst its neighbors!

The end result:  Moss is dead and I’ve swept most of it off.  The white lines are disappearing and can be easily washed off or swept away if they don’t disappear on their own.

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Die moss….die.

Pajamas in Public…Just Say No!

~ K ~ 8 Comments

I recently wrote about my travels to Kauai and how I disliked the airline system.  Upon talking with my FAA friend today, he mentioned that I had totally forgotten to mention how much I hate passengers who wear their pajamas while traveling.  Mind you, it isn’t just airline travel I see this trend happening in.  I also notice it in the grocery stores, at gas stations, and even at my kids’ school (most often parents being the offenders).pajamas in public2.jpg

It floors me to see grown ups wearing Hello Kitty pajamas at 3:20 pm in the afternoon.  For example, I was walking my daughter home with her friends and two adults were putting something in their car wearing their pajama bottoms like khaki slacks.  It is 3:20 in the afternoon and I have to see your Hello Kitty pajamas?  How old are you? Three years old?

Getting back to the air travel pajama problem, I really don’t think that as an adult I need to see your pajamas.  The only acceptable people that are allowed to wear pajamas on an airline flight are children under the age of 5.  If the kids are in Kindergarten, I’ll cut them some slack.  However, first grade and above, you need to put on your “big boy” pants and act respectful.  Heck, the next thing we’ll see is teenagers wearing diapers and pooping their pants on a cross country flight.  How would you like to sit next to that mess on a five hour flight?

So grown up and stop wearing your pajamas around like they are a pair of jeans.  Society made sweatpants so you could wear pajama style clothes in public.  Sweatpants are marginal more acceptable to wear in public.  You really should wear sweatpants when you are working out at the gym or jogging in the park.

Places I don’t want to see you wearing your pajamas:

At my kids’ school

Grocery stores

Gas stations

Post Office

Shopping malls

7-11

Liquor stores

Pizza parlors (really any kind of restaurants)

Again: Grow up, wear some jeans, some khaki slacks, or even a kilt or skirt.  Leave the pajamas at home so I can keep my lunch down.  Just give me one day where I don’t get grossed out by your lack of compassion to my sensitive stomach.pajamas in public

Bad Parenting Just Keeps Coming!

~ K ~ 3 Comments
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Photo from funnyand.com

I always enjoy watching the news in the morning.  It’s just a nice reminder to know that I’m not the worst parent alive. 

Just a week or so ago, we had a family let their kid climb into the Gorilla World at the Cincinnati Zoo.  The kid falls in and the zoo officials shot and killed the gorilla.  Concerned parents all over are asking “Who the hell was watching the kid?”

But let’s be honest, who hasn’t been too busy on their smartphone to watch their kid?  I mean, people text and drive and nothing bad ever happens.  Why not let your kid run around and do whatever they want?  Being a parent is hard.  Those clever Facebook posts aren’t going to post themselves.  The boy’s mother also had three other kids she was watching at the time, so losing one isn’t that bad.  I can live with a 25% kid loss ratio.  I bet that is acceptable in most places.

The other story that was on the morning news was the seven year old Japanese boy that was lost.  I wasn’t sure why this story made international headlines.  It was one kid and he had two parents watching him and yet they still managed to lose him.  Sure, they left poor Yamato Tanooka by the side of the road to discipline him for throwing rocks at people and cars but they did go back for him (after a few minutes).  Yamoto just had wandered off by the time they got back.  They probably called out for him in low voices but he ignored them because he was sobbing so hard after being abandoned by his parents.  I know I cry every time my cat Mr. Whiskers leaves me.

Don’t worry; the story has a happy ending.  He was found six days later after sleeping in an unmanned building.  No wolves chased him down.  No bears made him jump over a cliff into a river below.  At least he will have a great story to tell of how he sat around in a building for six days without his smartphone, TV, or internet.  Think of the trauma of no internet or video games for six days.

“Hey Mom and Dad…remember how you lost me for six days?  You do? Ya, so do I.  Now can I have that cookie?”

Why it is OK to Scare Kids…(and other big babies)

~ K ~ 9 Comments

My wife tends to disagree with me on some of my parenting theories.  She thinks that I shouldn’t be the big, bad, scary and intimidating father to my daughter’s (who is age 13) friends.  I, of course, disagree.  I’m not mean, big, bad or scary to my daughter’s female friends…just to her little male friends.

I want those kids to fear me.  I want them to know that if they mess with my little girl that they will have to deal with me.  Is that really wrong?  To be honest, I’m not threating them or verbally scaring them….I just look scary.  That is the key…look scary to future suitors.  Nothing wrong with looking scary, right?

Sure, I’m a very articulate individual who enjoys a good conversation but sometimes the best thing to do is to keep your mouth shut.  He who talks first, loses right?  I want to be that father that is sitting in his chair when the daughter comes in with her friends and the boy just looks at me and knows he should be fearful.  He should think “Hmm, I probably don’t want to upset her dad…he just looks scary.”

It isn’t like my daughter is dating so I shouldn’t worry….yet.  However, why not plan for the future and lay the foundation now.  The farmer doesn’t wait until the summer to plant his crops; he plants his seeds in the winter.  I’m planning for the future.  I’m planting the seeds of fear and respect in the minds of these 11 year old boys now so they know not to mess with me (or my daughter later).  Hopefully, when they get into middle school and high school my reputation as a scary, frightening father grows into an almost unbelievable legend that will be passed down from generation to generation.

Of course, my professional as a school photographer isn’t exactly a job that scares kids.  I also don’t have any tattoos, nor do I talk “ghetto” or “white trash”.  The best I can do is speak Hawaiian Pidgin English from my school days on Kauai.  Furthermore, it’s not like I’m from SEAL Team Six or on the SWAT team. The only scary thing about me is my bald head and the fact I practice aikido (a non-violent martial art).  I suppose someone unfamiliar with it could possibly think I am a weapon of death and destruction.

Any thoughts on making myself a little bit more intimidating to the youth of today?  Any tips, suggestions, ideas?  Come on….leave a comment or two!  And thanks for reading!

Regrets, Regrets, Regrets

~ K ~ 5 Comments

 

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How did I not see that big yellow bus full of nuns?

We all have regrets.  We regret eating that extra piece of pizza last night.  We regret buying the neon yellow polo shirt in 9th grade.  We regret running that yellow light and hitting that school bus full of nuns while eating a burrito from Taco Bell.  We regret sleeping in on Saturday.  We regret our career choices.  Regrets are all around us.

Do you have regrets?  Most people with a conscience have something they regret.  Whether is about their life choices or the day old sushi they ate, regrets are all around us.

However, you need to let go of your regrets.  You can’t predict the future.  So if you knew now that making a certain choice in the past would turn into a regret later on, you wouldn’t have made that choice.  Fairly simple, right?  You didn’t know it would be a regret so why beat yourself up about it?  Let that regret go.  Acknowledge it, learn from it, move on, and let it go.

Why are regrets important?  Regrets help to improve your critical thinking and your decision-making abilities.  Your experience, whether it is good or bad, helps to lead you on a path of self discovery and awareness.  (Man, that does sound like I know about regrets).

6 Tips to Make Your Life Regrets Disappear!

  1. Don’t think about them.  Why does everyone dwell on the past?  You made a mistake, you learned from it, now get over it.  Let that crap go.  Unless you’re my wife, then you hold onto it forever and remind me about it all the time.  That’s called “Life Coaching” your spouse.
  2. Don’t settle.  Stop your whining.  If you want that mega yacht, then figure out a way to be a huge success and buy it. (Hint: Don’t have a Worthless Advice Blog; it doesn’t pay anything).  I don’t have a clue on how to buy or steal a mega yacht so you are plum out of luck with me helping you.
  3. Use Positive Affirmations.  Because using negative ones won’t be getting you into Camp Happy Thoughts.  And at Camp Happy Thoughts you can put a positive spin on anything!  You wasted five minutes reading my blog but it was for research purposes so it was really an adventure into educating yourself.  See?  You are a winner already!
  4. Set Deadlines and Goals in the Future.  Isn’t that a stupid statement?  When else would your deadlines and goals be?  In the past?  I like to set unrealistic goals like “I’ll move to the country and retire in five years.”  Notice I didn’t say in 2021 that I was moving or retiring.  If I give a solid year date, then I might actually have to do it. This way I am planning but not really planning.  I won’t be disappointed when I forget about that goal.
  5. Eat an Elephant.  How do you eat an elephant?  One bite at a time.  Every task starts with a first step just like that journey out to your car when you need to get to work.  How do you take on those huge, insurmountable tasks?  I don’t know about you, but I set up a deadline that I’ll ignore (see #4).  Then I tackle that task one step at a time because that sounds like I’m doing something smart.
  6. Find a Mentor.  Or in your case, the drunk at the end of the bar will do.  Mentors are great, if you can find one.  I had mentors and they helped me become the successful advice blogger I am today.  Successful…ha ha…sure…really successful with imaginary stalker Cyndi as my only true follower.  Find someone that is mildly more successful than you is easy.  In fact, they only need to appear to be successful.  You can listen to them, feel awesome that they are sharing their nuggets of wisdom with YOU, and become the awesome individual you were destined to be.

Make your regrets disappear.  Get over them.  Forget them.  And enjoy your life!

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Probably should have watched where we were going….

I’m Trying to Make My Advice as Worthless as I can

~ K ~ 2 Comments

Really, I’m trying to make my advice as worthless as possible but it is hard.  Writing this stuff is hard.  If I go off the deep end like I did the other day about “Marrying your husband was a huge mistake” post, people think I’m depressed about my life.  I understand my sense of humor is a little off.  After watching Oprah and Dr. Phil all these years, I thought I would be much better off in my life.  You would think after reading all those Tony Robbins and Zig Ziglar’s books, I would now be larger than life.  They clearly should have produced a powerful man living the dream instead of a mild manner worthless advice blogger.

However, because I don’t have a 100 foot yacht docked on Lake Union, I can say without reservation that my Worthless Advice Blog is a damn good one.  If my advice was actually helpful, all four of my devoted readers would be living in waterfront mansions on Mercer Island and be showering me with praise.

So here we all sit at the computer, reading about nothing, and learning nothing.  It’s all in a days work here!

 

 

 

Which is worse? Adult Coloring Books or Watching Reality TV?

~ K ~ 6 Comments

One has to wonder…which is worse?  The insane trend of Adult Coloring Books OR watching Reality TV? Neither one is a new concept, but both waste a great deal of time.

Coloring Books:

Sure, some people claim it is very relaxing filling in a pattern with color pens. You know, stuff you use to do in 1st grade when your teacher needed some quiet time to nurse her hangover from a very raunchy weekend. Is the coloring the relaxing part? Or is the wine you are consuming as you are coloring that pretty butterfly (made by some 10 year old Indian artist) that makes it relaxing?

Reality TV:

My boring suburban life isn’t exciting enough so watching rich asses get into verbal fights is what really fulfills my day.  To be honest (because I’ve been lying to you all the various times before…I have to stop saying that..anyway….), I enjoy the insane swimming pool contractor show and the fix and flip shows. I can’t stand the “Southern Charm” shows or any of the “Housewives of _______” shows.  Just ridiculous characters thrown together with staged fights so I can think “what the hell am I watching??” 

 Thanks for reading and commenting on this post. I’m off to read a book (not a coloring book).

Social Media: Why your Wife Hates You!

~ K ~ Leave a comment

Social Media…isn’t it so darn fun? Old folks are the only ones that use Facebook (don’t worry; I’m in that “old folks” category) so I’ve been told by the younger and hipper folks.  I guess Twitter and Instragram is where everyone else hangs out.  Nothing like writing short posts and showing off selfies to get the party started, right?

Then you have the bloggers who write a lot of something blogs that no one reads. At least my blog posts are read by my cat Mr. Whiskers and my imaginary stalker Cyndi.

What is one to do with all these competing platforms to express oneself?   Certainly even belly dancing would be a better hobby than adult coloring books.

 

Pet Peeve: What Kind Of Quality do You Want?

~ K ~ 2 Comments

One of my pet peeves is when people say they want a “quality” product. What does that mean? Quality is a noun, not an adjective. (Don’t worry; that’s it for the English lesson). When anyone says “I want a quality product at a good price”, I’m the guy that has to comment and say “What kind of quality do you want? High quality? Low Quality? Medium Quality?  Because quality doesn’t mean anything until you throw an adjective in front of it.”

If you want low quality, then say that. Admit to yourself that you want some crappy dollar menu item and that price is a concern and taste is secondary.  It’s ok. Sometimes I like a heart attack patty hidden between two buns as much as the next guy.

If you want high quality, then be willing to pay the price for it. Say you want it, accept into your heart and pay the price.  You get what you pay for.

Don’t be afraid to throw in that adjective “high” in front of the word “quality.”  I promise you; it is OK to do it.

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Watergate