Category: Humor

Snow Day in Seattle! A day of Death, Destruction, and Mayhem!

~ K ~ 1 Comment

 It is a Snow Day here in the Seattle area.  It snowed roughly 3-4 inches around our house.  Sadly, it is quickly disappearing due to the temperature rising to a blazing 36 degrees.  What is a person to do?  Enjoy it the best you can.

 We don’t get a lot of snow here at 500 feet elevation.  Sure, we have a few wonderful mountain ranges around here (mainly the Olympic Mountains and the Cascade Mountain Range) that you can go and enjoy the snow.  However, we have had a terrible winter for snow and the skiing areas just recently opened up.  It is a pleasure to have snow today for us.  And by this evening it will be gone and the kids will be off to school (on time) tomorrow.

 In the meantime, I was able to make a snowman with my daughter, we then launched a successful snowball attack against the neighbor kids, and finished off with a nice lunch inside the house.  Nothing beats a nice warm house after getting all wet and cold outside on a snowy day.

 Later on, the whole family is headed to the “Twisted Cabaret Comedy Show” for the afternoon show.  I’ll give a full report when I return…or I manage to remember to blog about it.

 If you are bored or need a reason to express yourself, drop a few comments in the comments section and share your wisdom.

I don’t have a job here but I’m still Employee of the Month because I rock it!

~ K ~ 4 Comments

Today, I was made Employee of the Month at Gyro Café Seattle.  This is more of testimony to my wonderful work ethic and awesome customer service skills because I’m not even a real employee there!

This will no doubt make my cousin Kim extremely jealous because she has worked there longer than I have.  She also is a real employee and does more work than I could ever do because I’m just an imaginary employee.  However, even as an employee for a whole hour and 15 minutes, I set the customer service bar high.  It comes down to my superior customer service skills and my ability to adjust and adapt to work situations.  My lack of knowledge on how to operate a Point of Sale computer did make the task a bit scary at first, however, I always stay calm under pressure.  Even as I was thrown into the job as cashier, I truly rocked it and bought a whole new level of excellence to the customer service department at Gyro Café Seattle

I darn well say that the Yelp reviews posted today will be all five stars because of me.

Not to worry, I didn’t handle any food.  I only handle the sales; the money; the life blood of the restaurant.  With my great attitude and cheerful outlook on life, customers are naturally inclined to want to order from me.  They can’t help but know that by placing their order with me, it will be delicious.  That is the way I roll in any establishment I work at; I make it delicious.

Sure, you could say that the customers walking through the door already like the awesome food created by my cousin Jessica’s husband Simon, but I think we know the real reason people came in today: Me!

If you happen to be in the Capitol Hill neighborhood of Seattle, you’ll find Gyro Café Seattle located across from the South Building of the Group Health Medical Center.  Here is the address so you can pop it into your GPS tomorrow for lunch: 107 15th Ave E, Seattle, WA 98112

You can’t go wrong with the Lamb/Beef Gyro.  It’s affordable and quite tasty.  One of my favorites so you know it has to be good because I’m recommending it.

If you are looking for a positive change in your business, workplace, government office, or your home, I am available for consulting.

Until you have the nerve to call me, you can always leave your comments below.

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January and my Failures at Organization

~ K ~ 5 Comments

It is the last day of January and I figure I’d better squeeze out one more blog posting of Worthless Advice before the month comes to an end.  Like many of you, I always have thoughts at the beginning of the year (not resolutions, just thoughts) of how this year will be better than last year.  I think to myself that I’ll exercise more, get a little bit trimmer by dropping a few pounds and lifting a few weights.  Then I won’t waste my days away by endless surfing the internet watching funny cat videos on YouTube or updating my Facebook status.

The perfect filing system?
The perfect filing system?

I also thought I’d get more organized.  I’d clean my office and maybe clean the garage out.  Yet, I haven’t.  I have made only minor dents in the mountains of junk I possess.  Instead of tackling it, I am here writing a blog post.  Tonight I’ll read a book or two.  Tomorrow, I have a full day of work, then it is Super Bowl Sunday so I can’t possibly do anything that day.  Sign…it just becomes an endless loop.  What is a hopeless disorganized person like me going to do?

Before you call in the show Hoarders to save me, I might be messy and disorganized but I’m not a hoarder.  Or am I in deniel?  I thought stuff away and I donate things.  I like to get boxes of junk and stop by the donation center.  It feels good to unload my treasures.

So after this blog post goes up.  I’m going to turn around in my swivel chair, pet the cat, turn on some comedy on Pandora, and clean up my office a bit.

Thanks for reading!  Leave your organizational tips below!

Happy Dr. Martin Luther King Day!

~ K ~ Leave a comment

Happy Dr. Martin Luther King Day!

Not much I can tell you about Dr. Martin Luther King that you don’t already know.  Enjoy your day off from work and school and reflect back on why we have this holiday when you have the chance.

Quick! Too Much Information is Never Enough!

~ K ~ 4 Comments

TMI & TMS: Too Much Information & Too Much Sharing

Did you hear about the first time mother Ruth Iorio that used Twitter and Instagram to document the birth of her first child?

It does sound like a start of joke but of course it’s not.  Supposedly her photos and the Twitter feed went viral on the internet.  She might not have been the first one to do it but she is the first one I’ve heard about.  There has to be a couple hundred YouTube videos of births so what is the big deal?

Maybe it was a slow news day.  I discovered the story when I watched a short video news report on the ABC News website.  It was a simple slideshow of her photos and they never interviewed her.

I did watch her being interviewed on another news program and she just seemed to wanted to document the event with her photographer husband.  Not a big deal; I know other people who have recorded the birth of their children but they didn’t tweet about it as it happened.  I don’t mind learning about the birth of your child; I just don’t need all the details in (somewhat) real time.  I certainly don’t need to see the photos either.  A simple after the fact tweet of “It’s a boy, his name is Nye, and he was born at 2:41 pm today!” will work for me.  Heck, throw in a photo of your son while you are at it.

Perhaps she just wanted to share the birth with a few of her Twitter friends and family.  At first it was just them and then they just happen to share the link with another friend, then another, until it was all over the internet.

However, it has inspired me to share more.  I plan to tweet about the next time I clip my toenails so you better sign up for my Twitter feed now!  You don’t want to miss that!

A special “Thanks” to fellow blogger Honey Did You See That! Whom gave me the idea about TMS and TMI:  Too Much Sharing and Too Much Information blog post today.

How to Stop Your Kids From Whining and Be an Awesome Parent!

~ K ~ 6 Comments

 If you didn’t know this already….kids whine and they whine a lot.  They whine about the color of their shoes, they whine when they are hungry, they whine when you forget to pick them up from school three times in row. 

Most likely, they learned the whining from your spouse (or ex-spouse).  Don’t worry; you aren’t to blame.  All the bad traits come from your spouse.  They are probably big whiners and passed this annoying behavior onto your children.  While it might be too late for your spouse to change, you can at least mold your mini-me into the person you were too lazy to become.

You can keep your kids from whining by following these worthless parenting tips from your favorite Uncle Kevin (or your Cousin Kevin or your Idol Kevin…you pick which name you like best for me).  In a short few hours, your child will stop whining and you’ll be able to leave a nice comment for me below.

 Listen to Your Child:

Whining is usually a call for attention from your child.  This means you should probably put down your smartphone and pay attention to your child for one brief moment.  Listen to them for that few seconds so they feel important and loved.  You aren’t actually going to do anything besides listen to them for a few seconds, so don’t worry if you were a little slow on getting that Facebook post up; you still have time to post how cute your child is or to share the latest blog post from Kevin Hellriegel’s Worthless Advice Blog.

Play the “I Don’t Know You” Game

When your child begins to whine, play the “I Don’t Know You” game.  To play, you simply pretend you don’t have a clue who this whining kid is next you.  It is really fun at the shopping mall when security comes and takes your child away.  The whining stops immediately and is replaced with the look of utter terror on your child’s face as security drags your kid away.  It truly warms one’s heart when your child realizes you aren’t going to save them.  Then the whining will stop for sure.

Schedule “Whining” Time

Allow your kids to whine.  Of course, you won’t be there to hear them but at least they can whine.  I personally like to schedule whining time outside, in the rain, on a Thursday afternoon when I’m not home but the kids are.  Whine away, kids, whine away because your parents aren’t listening.

Ignore Them to Discourage Whining

You could listen to them or you could ignore them.  Just like you ignore the salad on your dinner plate, you can ignore the whiner.  The whining won’t disappear but you can at least toss it into the trash just like the salad.

Have a Whining Bank

If they want to whine, just let them know they are taking a loan from the Whining Bank.  To pay back this loan from the bank, they get to work for you doing the worst of the household chores: picking up dog poop, changing Grandpa’s diaper, eating leftovers from three weeks ago (because we don’t waste food in our house you spoiled whiny brat!).  If they don’t want to do chores you can introduce them to Vinny the Chores Enforcer and his baseball bat.

Overschedule Your Child

There is nothing better than having your child doing too many activities causing them to be too exhausted to even think about whining to you.  As an added bonus, you can then be that martyr parent that is so busy.  You can talk about how busy you are driving the kids around from place to place and you have no time for yourself.  Yet you have time to post comments on Facebook.  Every heard of reading a book while you are at the tennis lesson

Add a few of your whining comments below and complain about how unfair I am.  Go ahead…whine away!

Too Many People Feeling Worthless And How I Can Help!

~ K ~ 2 Comments

I have to admit that I’m beginning to worry that chosen field of worthless advice may be becoming too crowded.  Most advice out there is worthless but at least I admit my advice is worthless and awesome.  However, the term “worthless” is being thrown around out there by everyone trying to butt in on my niche.  It is becoming annoying and rather troublesome to think that now I really have to pump out the worthless advice.

These clever imitators try to offer “helpful” advice but we know it is really “worthless”.  Top Ten Lists are the worst offenders making it easy to muck up the reader’s life by following the bullet points.  Worthless advice isn’t easy to dish out in a cookie cutter fashion.  You must be skilled at it.  You have to know that your advice really won’t help anyone but yourself.

As I scorn through the vast information highway, a simple search through my WordPress Reader makes me sick when I use the term “worthless”.

Bring on the depression when you click on the link to any blog with the term “worthless” in it.  I fall deep into a person’s written account of how they feel worthless and I need to fight the strong urge to stab my eyes with a letter opener to stop the insanity.  Then I realize that all the letter openers are in landfills because no one writes letters anymore and all those noble letter opener manufacturers are bankrupt.

Are these blogs I’ve stumbled upon really worthless?  Probably not.  Most of the writers admit that they have a good family life, a good home, and food in their stomachs but they feel worthless.  I just want to slap them upside the head and tell them to stop complaining.  Things could be worse for them.  They have access to the internet and time to write a blog about feeling worthless.  They could be stuck watching a local production of a musical by a bunch of untalented elementary students singing off key and missing their cues.

But then again, maybe they have some mental issues and I’m not being sensitive.  I understand mental issues and the problems they bring.  I know that the chemical imbalance causes havoc in the mind and crazy stuff happens.  I read a few of those crazy bloggers and they are some of the best blogs around.  You have to love craziness.

So I won’t slap them upside the head because I am sensitive (shhh…don’t tell anyone) and I do have a heart.  I usually write a positive uplifting comment on their blog to give them some encouragement.  Jeez, I’m getting soft, aren’t I?  Next thing you know I’ll be adopting sixteen cats and starting an animal shelter in my basement.  And even that wouldn’t be worthless to me or my sixteen kitty cats because I would be an awesome Crazy Cat Guy.

DSCI0327Good luck on your blog and write your witty comments below.

So why don’t you get off your lazy butt and write something?

~ K ~ 3 Comments

So why don’t you get off your lazy butt and write something?

OK folks.  I’ve been quite neglectful in my blog writing.  Sure, I could blame it on the holiday season and say I was too busy hanging up my holiday lights all over my house, my trees, my rocks, my roof to write anything remotely exciting (or sarcastic for that matter).  But the truth is (since we are being honest, aren’t we?) I have been lazy for the past month or two.

Maybe I’m in the mist of trying to discover myself?  Or perhaps the hot butter rum was just so delightful that I could hardly string a few words together to make a sentence much less write a blog for you to read.

Even my imaginary stalker Cyndi is disappointed in my lack of writing.  I’m sorry to let her and you down.

I didn’t even wish you a Happy New Year and it is already January 7 of 2014!  Man, I am scum, aren’t I?

Let’s start writing, shall we?  Let’s talk about your New Year’s Resolutions that will fail miserably.  My worthless advice: Never make New Year’s Resolutions.  You are setting yourself up for failure.  Instead, commit to a lifestyle change for the better (why would anyone make a change for the worse?).  Choose to exercise more and to eat healthier.  Choose to read a good novel, choose to drink less alcohol, choose to limit your Facebook time stalking your ex-girlfriend (or ex-spouse), choose to get your finances in order, choose to follow my blog by subscribing to it.  Just make the choice to improve yourself.  Certainly subscribing and promoting (and sharing) my blog is a good choice for you.

See?  Isn’t that better than a worthless New Year’s Resolution?  Make better choices in life.  And your spouse says I never write anything “uplifting” in my blog.  Poppycock I say!

I look forward to offering a new batch of worthless advice to you and your fellow mankind in 2014!  Let the games begin!

Thanksgiving is Over! Bring on the Old Fat Guy in a Red Suit!

~ K ~ 4 Comments

Ah, the big Thanksgiving holiday here in America is over.  You can now bring on the Black Friday sales and the endless hours of holiday music.  Who can wait for the crowds at the malls and the endless lines that are produced by Black Friday?

 As you can imagine, I’m not one who gets up early to get the best deals on Black Friday.  My family is lucky that I even buy them anything at all consider how uninspired I am when it comes to gift giving.  I really haven’t a clue on what is a good gift.  I know you aren’t supposed to give kids liquor or cigarettes but beyond that I’m pretty clueless.

 If you talk to me, all you get is a bunch of worthless advice on what people want.  Sure, I seem like an expert because of my awesome blog (and I probably am) but gift giving is not one of them.

 I do know that some people frown upon the idea that all gifts are worthless.  I can tell you that you can find worthless gifts everywhere if you look hard enough.

 Where to Find Some Worthless Gifts:

Garage Sales – totally awesome place to find gifts that are totally worthless.  Plastic containers without lids, clothes that are too small, too big, far too ugly, broken toys, empty Mason jars, etc.

Hardware Stores – While this might be the perfect store for a man, for a woman it is the worst.  What woman wants a hammer for a gift?

Auto Part Stores – Almost as bad as the Hardware Store.  No one likes new windshield wipers or motor oil as a gift.

Things you shouldn’t buy as Gifts:

Artwork – your taste in artwork is not the same as your friends.  Of course, you can certainly use some bad artwork to annoy your friends.

Clown Related Items – this stuff is just scary.  I grew up watching The Poltergeist movies and Stephen King’s “It”.  Clowns scare me to death.

Ashtrays – I don’t smoke so I have a total bias against ashtrays.  Hence they are totally worthless to me.

Garden Items for Apartment Dwellers – I don’t think your cousin that lives in an apartment in New York City really needs a shovel.  Unless he is a serial killer, that shovel is worthless.

Bathroom Scales – unless you are shipping large packages, don’t bother buying a scale as a gift.  Your spouse doesn’t need to be reminded about how much they ate over the holidays.

Stuffed Animals for Adults – you aren’t a redneck at the country fair.  Just leave the stuffed animals for the children under ten years old.

 Enjoy the rest of the weekend and good luck with your holiday shopping.  I know you’ll need it.

Thanksgiving 2013

~ K ~ 1 Comment

Thanksgiving is tomorrow here in the United States and I’m usually out of town with no internet access.  This year is different, this year fate has told me to stay home with the family and enjoy the wonders of my neighborhood.   As you know, this also allows me the chance to write a blog post and reflect what I should be thankful for.

Am I thankful for family, friends, or a great dinner?

Dinner brings on a set of interesting items to discuss.  Now that friends and family know we are in town, our Thanksgiving dinner has ballooned from a reasonable dinner of eight to a huge dinner of 21-23 people.  I assume the range of possible guest attending is due to the guest’s lack of commitment to our dinner.  I really don’t mind a huge gathering because Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays.  No gifts involved but lots of food and good drink to make everyone healthy, wealthy, and wise.  I feel like a Viking getting ready for a raid after I gouge myself on a turkey dinner and fine drink.

Ready the oars!

I’m also fortunate to have a wife who knows how to cook a turkey and other side dishes.  The meal will be worth it.

So enjoy your Thanksgiving dinner and enjoy the time with your friends and family.  That’s if you can stand your family.