Category: Humor

Hello Saturday! It’s a Volunteer Day!! Bring on the rain!

~ K ~ 4 Comments

Today will be a nice stormy day in the Seattle area which should make my day interesting. This morning we are doing some volunteer clean up work with the Boy Scout Troop for the church that we meet at. Gusty winds with rain and temperatures in high 40s to high 50s. Doesn’t that sound like fun?

Luckily, the clean up is from 9 am to 12 noon. These are the times I honestly hate having to “set the example”. You read all the time all about leading by example. I would much rather be at home this morning, sitting by my wife’s gas fireplace, watching some college football. Or even reading F. Scott Fitzgerald’s novel “The Beautiful and Damned” (it is my current book).

However, this is a good opportunity to give back to the church that allows us a place to meet and stow our Boy Scout gear. For a few hours of simple help, we can show others that we appreciate their sponsorship.

Being a leader is stepping up to the plate and setting the example even though you don’t feel like it. And being a sarcastic leader makes the leadership even more fun!

At least today will give me the opportunity to yell at Scouts and make them cry. Hopefully, it pours down rain and makes it a miserable experience. We wouldn’t want them to have fun, right? Giving back should be painful, right? Oh, I hope there are some blisters on their hands too!

Sorry, if my post today isn’t worthless advice to you. Have an awesome Saturday doing whatever you like!!

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Pumpkin Protein Shake Recipe for you whiney pumpkin lovers!

~ K ~ 1 Comment

Oh, all the rage is pumpkin spice, right? I’m not a big fan of the pumpkin spice lattes but I do love pumpkin pie. I also thought a pumpkin protein shake wouldn’t be too bad. I didn’t want a lot of sugar in my protein shake since I’m doing my Fat Ass Dads Weight Loss Challenge. (I’m headed to Kauai and Maui in four months so I’m trimming down and toning up!). I was concerned that the canned pumpkin I was using was for pumpkin pies and would have lots of sugar. It actually isn’t bad in the sugar department.

A quick internet search got me to a website that had a pretty good pumpkin protein shake recipe. I wish I had bookmarked the page for you but as a lazy American male; I didn’t. Here is the basic recipe that I use these days.

1 cup Non Fat Milk
3/4 cup non fat plain Greek yogurt (because it’s the “in” thing to use)
1/2 cup to 1 cup canned pumpkin
1 teaspoon of cinnamon
1 teaspoon of nutmeg
1 scoop of Vanilla Protein Mix
1 tablespoon of ground flax seed
3-6 ice cubes (optional)

Whirl all that up in your blender and you are good to go.

You can adjust the recipe to fit your individual taste. Don’t even thinking of commenting about how much it sucks. It isn’t a real ice cream milkshake, so no whining that it doesn’t taste like that McDonald’s pumpkin milkshake, ok?

Everyday my recipe is a little different because I’m lazy and don’t measure everything perfectly. Maybe (if the mood fits me) I’ll share my peanut butter banana protein shake recipe with you in my next post.

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This is Boy Scouts, not Whiney Scouts!

~ K ~ 3 Comments

Yesterday, our Boy Scout troop hiked through the Ape Caves. This isn’t the easiest of hikes, nor is it the hardest of hikes, but it is a hike. You will be walking, climbing, scrambling over piles of boulders, and getting wet. Now, my Boy Scouts took all of this in stride. However, we had some visitors (age 11) from a local Cub Scout pack with us. The Cub Scouts were fine, it is their adult leader that was a pain.

One situation that sticks out in my mind from yesterday’s hike was climbing the lava fall (like a dry waterfall). It is an eight foot wall (drop) and we were climbing up it. To be honest, if your kid likes to climb trees or climb the playground structure at his local elementary school, he can climb this wall. My Girl Scouts could climb this wall (disclaimer: My Girl Scout troop is pretty much fearless and they do an awesome job. In fact, they do a lot of things better than boys. That is for another blog post. And there is nothing wrong like “throwing like a girl”.)

So Mr. Gung Ho Webelos Leader gets to this wall and says “Oh, we can’t climb this. Looks like we need to turn around.” What? I don’t think so. We don’t give up because of a small wall. We passed little kids in this lava tube cave that made it up and down this wall. We passed people that had extra padding on themselves (they were overweight) and they made it up and down this wall. You bet your candy ass, we are making it up this wall.

Sure some of the younger scouts were a little scared but nothing to the point where they were having an epic meltdown. They were frightened but nothing to where we needed to turnaround. Using the EDGE method (Explain, Demonstrate, Guide, Enable), we allowed the older scouts to go up, then some of the younger ones, and finally the fat ass old adults.😄

We helped the Webelos Scouts up and they didn’t have a problem making it up. Sure, it might be a little scary but you don’t give up. Overcoming a little hurdle makes a big different in helping to build their self esteem and demonstrating that teamwork helps to accomplish your goals.

You also have to push your child sometimes. A little motivation from older Boy Scouts and other leaders (other than your parents) can be helpful to get over those whiney moments. A little push in the right direction never hurt anyone.

So what happen to the scouts that were a little afraid? They all made it up the wall. Five minutes later the fear of the wall was a distant memory and they were scrambling over the next pile of rocks.

I asked the scouts afterwards “Did you have fun?” This is when they all broke down, started crying uncontrollably, and said they hated me and Boy Scouts. They screamed and asked in their high pitched voices (between all the sobs and sniffles), why I made them do it.

I didn’t wait for an answer, I just turned and walked away. Jumped in the Green Van of Doom and drove myself home. Bye, bye whiney scouts!!

Some other data from the cave hike: we had six Boy Scouts ranging in ages (12-15), three registered Boy Scout Adult Leaders, a Webelos Leader, and three Webelos scouts (ages 10-11). It took our little band about 2 hours to go through the Upper Ape Cave. We started at the lower entrance and exited out thought the upper entrance. Due to recent rain, the cave/tunnel is wet and there is a lot of water dripping. Be sure to wear waterproof clothes to stay dry. Temperatures in the caves average 42 degree F year round. A single person or a group of two (in reasonably good health HWP) could probably whip through the tunnel more quickly. The hike back is very easy. Make sure you take two sources of light (headlamps were better than flashlights), extra batteries, etc. No food is allowed in the caves.

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My Latest Addiction….

~ K ~ 2 Comments

Yes, I have a new addiction…well, I can’t say it is new but rather it has moved to a new level and taken a sidestep.

I love the smell of coconut.

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I found myself recently out of my manly “Extra Clean” scented body wash (I’m not quite sure what “extra clean” is really suppose to smell like but whatever it is, I like it). So while I was at the Fred Meyer store, I happened upon the soap and shampoo section. There, being the nice smelling gentleman I am, found myself at the coconut scented bottle section.

To be honest, this isn’t my first experience with coconut scented body wash. My daughter has some and I have used it. It just smells so good and makes me smell as fresh as a tropical vacation. If I could, I would use it all up for myself and never share it.

As I looked over the various bottles of coconut joy, I decided I needed to smell the scent each bottle had to offer. Honestly, I didn’t want to have an overpowering coconut scent (like a cheap cologne) or worse, have a bad coconut scent (like rotting coconuts) if I used a particular product. So naturally, I flipped open a few lids, waffed the sweet smell of coconut towards me, and enjoyed its heavenly tropical scent. Any reasonable person would have done the same, right?

As the enticing smell of coconut filled my head with visions of me on the beaches of Kauai, I noticed a lady watching me, then she started walking towards me, coming down the aisle towards me. Clearly, she was aware that I was enjoying the sweet smell of coconut a little too much in the store. Just like any good coconut addict, I hid what I was doing, did a quick sidestep, and made a path to the checkout with my coconut scented body wash. Luckily, I gave her the slip, made my purchase, and got the heck out of there.

Is it worth it? Is my latest coconut body wash worth it? According to my wife, cat, and my imaginary stalker Cyndi, yes, the coconut scented body wash is heaven in a bottle. Actually, I’m not sure my wife cares but I like to pretend my cat and my imaginary stalker Cyndi do care that I have a wonderful tropical scent now.

What is your latest addiction?

As always, your bottles of coconut scented body wash are welcome. Or you can just leave a witty comment below!

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Everyone Wants to Be Special or at least feel Special

~ K ~ 2 Comments

Let’s get something straight….everyone wants to feel special. They might say that they don’t want to be special, they don’t want to be noticed but, in reality they do. Regardless, everyone wants to be special whether they admit it or not.

If you write a blog, you know this to be true. Sure, you can say you write your blog for yourself, but secretly you hope it becomes hugely popular and you have an extremely large following of devoted followers.

You can say you are an introvert and therefore don’t want to be noticed. This isn’t true. You might be very outgoing when you need to be, yet hate to be around people. You can write an extremely funny blog yet never be able to hold a conversation at a party with new people.

However, on the flip side, if you are comfortable with the people at the party, you are the life of the party.

Everyone says extroverts are the outgoing ones and you want to be around them. However, they dominate the conversation because they need to be always “on”. I think extroverts are a overwhelming. Extroverts love to hear themselves talk. Introverts have the power to turn “on” (or “off”) the “outgoing” side. Introverts have the ability to sit back and not say anything. They can melt into the background, hide in the crowd, and just observe.

I, like everyone else that blogs, hopes my blog takes off and becomes hugely successful. It would be ideal to sit back and construct witty blog posts everyday that lead to more and more followers.

So click on the “like” button and share with your Facebook friends my blog….

Continue reading “Everyone Wants to Be Special or at least feel Special” →

Fat Ass Dads Weight Loss Challenge Update October 3

~ K ~ Leave a comment

A couple of days ago, I came in at 215 lbs. That is 11 pounds under my starting weight of 226. Not bad since we all started the Fat Ass Dads Weight Loss Challenge around September 4. Of course one whiny father waited until after his birthday to start because he couldn’t resist stuffing his fat face full of cheeseburgers, fries, ice cream, birthday cake, and Pacific Northwest microbrews. I guess my advice was deemed worthless advice when I muttered the word: moderation.

Besides my weight loss, I’m not sure of everyone’s weight loss progress. Only two of my friends (Mark and Kris) have reported to me their weight loss. I suspect some of the Dads are hoping I forgot about it (or them) and will let this little contest faded away. But unlike my belly fat and my hair, we are all in this for the long haul.

Now, one of the Dads would like us all to have a little get together to meet all of the participants in the Fat Ass Dads Weight Loss Challenge. I’m hoping it is so he can size up the competition and see if he has a decent chance of winning. In my opinion, he could take it all. He has the most to lose and as a result would come out a huge winner.

However, if he wants to get together to talk about our “feelings” in regards to this contest and the underlying reasons behind why we are doing it, then I’m out. I’m not here to talk about personal motivation nor dive deep into some psychology babble about how my kitty cat doesn’t love me anymore and that’s why I’m fat. My personal motivation is that I have a pot belly. Sure, it doesn’t look huge because I have broad shoulders, massive biceps, and a killer smile. On top of that, my sculptured back is hard to miss. Throw my extremely good looking muscular legs that make Arnold Schwarzenegger look like a twig stick man, then it is easy to miss my belly fat. But it is there. And it is disappearing.

So you can see, I know my motivation. I don’t need to talk about my feelings. Feelings are for your special “girlfriend” you like to talk to. Sure, some people might refer to her as a whore but who am I to judge? She could be a hooker or a therapist. I’ll be neutral and use the term “friend”. Talk to your special friend about your feelings because we know your spouse doesn’t care (or your male friends for that matter) about your personal motivation.

One method I have found useful of avoiding talking about your feelings, yet will allow you to loss weight, is doing a few lines of coke off your special girlfriend’s ass. However, I think the preferred method nowadays is crystal meth. Again, not my cup of tea but to each their own, right?

All joking aside (and it is a joke people…just say “no” to drugs), the Fat Ass Dads Weight Loss Challenge continues. I’m going to continue to eat my daily salads, eat my protein, and do a killer workout.

As always, your sarcastic thoughts, gems of wisdom, and worthless advice are welcome.

Another Ferry Boat Ride – this time to Lopez Island

~ K ~ 6 Comments

Today, was “Bring your Wife to Work” day at my office. Considering I am a self-employed photographer, I have a few quirky work days I have to deal with. Where is the HR director when you need her? Anyway, one of my school accounts is located on beautiful Lopez Island. Lopez Island is located in the northern Puget Sound area of Washington State and is part of the San Juan Islands. There are a couple of great search engines you can use if you really want to know more. I’m far too tired to even think about inserting a helpful link here.

We got up at 3 am, so we could catch a 6:20 am ferry. As you can see, that is bloody early. To say the least I am tired. However, the day seem to go by a lot faster since I did have my wife with me. It was a fun little break for the two of us and it was a decent road trip. This is one of the few times, I wasn’t worried about rushing home to be with her and the kids. And to be honest, I’m sure the kids didn’t notice us missing.

Yes, the day was a successful one. I love and hate the Washington State Ferries. Love them because they hold a bunch of fond childhood memories. Hate them because the ferry schedule is a nasty beast. There is an average of four hours of waiting for the next ferry if you miss your desired boat. Not fun. I’ve been that car that had been denied and it sucks big time. Just make sure you have some good books on your Kindle if you miss your ferry.

As always your worthless comments are welcome. I’m sorry this blog post is a bit boring and worthless. However, this is my blog about worthless advice so enjoy it while you can!

Update: Fat Ass Dads Weight Loss Challenge

~ K ~ 2 Comments

I have a few minutes while riding the ferry to Anderson Island to give you an update you are all dying for: The Fat Ass Dads Weight Loss Challenge.

My group of overweight fat ass dads have started our weight loss challenge and most are doing fairly well. A couple of us are actually losing weight in this challenge so it is doing a good thing. One of my friends is down 5 lbs, another 10 lbs, and I’m down 8 lbs. I haven’t heard of any other weight loss from the rest of the fat ass dads. They probably don’t want to hear anymore of my worthless advice about weight loss until they hit their personal plateaus.

A few dads “forget” to mention to their wives and family that they were involved in the challenge. I think these characters are the same dads who refuse to read my worthless advice blog. The fools!! I personally think they were trying get out of the weight loss challenge. They are trying not to do it. But like the mafia, I can reach you were ever you try to hide. Sooner or later, I’ll bump into your wife at Costco or come over to your house for dinner and I’ll steer the conversation to the Fat Ass Dad Weight Loss Challenge. And you know what? Your wife will commit your sorry ass to the challenge. You can run but you can’t hide. There is no escape.

Now, we have the habitual offenders who are still eating donuts and drinking Big Gulps instead of making the commitment. I can’t complain; they just make it easier for me to take their money when this is all said and done.

Personally, I’ve dropped bread from my diet, stop drinking beer, and drink a few drinks of scotch or whiskey on the weekend. I’ve ramped up the salads and lean protein and cut out the crap. We all know what we are suppose to do, we just don’t do it. And let’s face it: a hamburger tastes a hell of a lot better than a salad. Don’t forget some greasy French fries and a nice vanilla milkshake. Yum! Ok, back to reality….

The reality is that I’m eating better and doing some killer workouts. Bigger, stronger, faster…right? The nice part is that I’m not totally out of shape. The bad part is that I have that damn spare tire around my belly. Belly flat is the worst. Ugh. So I’m focusing on fat burner workouts and muscle building activities to double down on the fat burning.

That’s the Friday update from the Anderson Island ferry. Have a fun weekend! Feel free to leave sarcastic comments, ideas, or a little of both below. At least click the “like” button!

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Curriculum Night: How my Child will learn to Become a Mid-Level Management Suck Up

~ K ~ 2 Comments

This evening I went to my daughter‘s “curriculum” night at her school. This just happens to be my last one for elementary school. Have you forgotten about curriculum night? Or maybe you are a bad parent and have never attended one before? Basically, the teacher tells you what your child will be learning over the course of the year. In the great State of Washington, goals have changed and the names of the goals have changed. We’ve had WASL goals, we’ve had Iowa tests, we’ve had critical thinking goals, MAPSAT, BS Goals, etc. The acronyms keep rolling out and the goals keep changing but it all comes down to this: we want our kids grow up with a decent brain inside their heads.

I’m all for progress and helping my child become a world thinker who is compassionate and uses critical thinking in their ever changing world of shifting paradigms while at the same time becoming a global citizen that needs to manage her own future. How about that? Is that a “mission statement” or what?

One of the new math concepts is for our students to work on the computer solving problems. Really? The teacher had a sample problem involving pizza and two kids. One kid was named Lucas. All I was thinking while she was showing us the math word problem was that Lucas was a fat pig who shouldn’t be eating 3/8 of the cheese pizza, 4/8 of the pepperoni, and ¼ of another one. That Lucas kid is going to be one fat ass kid with weight and self-esteem issues if he keeps pigging out. Poor Lucas.  Did Lucas think he found the best Seattle pizza?

Welcome back to School!
Welcome back to School!

My other concern was that it was fairly stupid to being solving this math problem on a computer. A good old pencil and paper would be a lot quicker and easier to use. How are they going to do the math on the fly if the computer isn’t there? Hmm? Are the children of today (and tomorrow) going to be able to do math without the use of a pull down menu? Could they mix art and math together and sketch out the problem on paper with a pencil and still figure it out?

Really, all I saw was that our schools were teaching our kids to rely on a computer to create a whole bunch of extra work to solve a simple math word problem. They can make pie graphs, charts, etc. That’s great but it is a simple problem. They don’t need to make a ten page report on it that is a waste of everyone’s time. Are we creating a society of mid-level managers that make reports for the heck of it and to justify their jobs?

“I have that twenty page report on why we shouldn’t eating Twinkles!” Conclusion: Uh, because they are bad for us? Or maybe we should eat them because it helps the fitness industry keep fitness instructors employed?

Over the years, I’ve learned that you need to watch less TV, get off the worthless texting and Instagram, Facebook, social media sites, and read more nonfiction (that was a big one tonight) and classic novels. I would also add you need to get out and experience life. Take the kids to museums, road trips, ferry boat rides, hikes, walks, boat rides, and feel the wind in your face.

Don’t get me wrong; I love the internet as much as you do. All the information at your fingertips, merely a click away…it’s wonderful.

Yet, I’m just as guilty as other parents and their children in letting social media run our lives. I have a hard time disconnecting from my iPhone. I have slowed down my use of social media. I have tried to make a deliberate effort not to check my phone when I’m doing activities with the family. I try to ignore that email buzz on my phone. It is hard. Sometimes I’m good and other times I’m not.

What are your thoughts about using only computers for school work these days? Will it work?

 

Welcome to The Fat Ass Dad’s Weight Loss Challenge….

~ K ~ 10 Comments

Welcome to The Fat Ass Dad’s Weight Loss Challenge

Yes, I’ve decided to drop some weight before our family’s trip to Maui in February 2015. Now, I know you are like Cyndi (My Imaginary Stalker) and think I look awesome all the time. It’s true; I do look fantastic. Sure, I’m now a bit older and I have a few extra pounds around my gut (SNL Middle Age Man Skit “You’re staring at my gut, aren’t you? I’m working on it”). However, let’s be realistic; we all need to get into better shape. I know everyone admires my huge arms, my broad shoulders, my beautiful smile, my charming wit, and my slick bald head. Yet, my big fat belly doesn’t do the rest of me justice. It needs to go.

Last Christmas, my friend and I noticed we both had risen to new heights on the bathroom scale. I think after the holidays I tipped in at 240 lbs. I skipped the Five Stages of Grief and did a little something about it. I dropped my weight down to 225. However, last summer (July 2013), I was 213 lbs. Currently, I’m coming in at 226 lbs. My goal is 200-205 lbs. by the time I walk on that plane for Maui in February.  I want to wear that neon green speedo on the beaches of Maui and embarrass my kids.  Did I just make you puke it your mouth a bit with that visual?  Good….

I’m putting it out there. I now have published my goal weight on my blog for Cyndi and my three other followers to read about. Don’t worry; my wife doesn’t read my blog so she doesn’t even care if I publish it. She would probably like it that I now have Cyndi and three followers holding me accountable. Heaven help me.

So where does the Fat Ass Dad’s Weight Loss Challenge come in? Over the past nine months (and years), a few of my friends have all talked about losing weight, eating better, drinking less. I decided it is time for the rubber to meet the road. I went ahead and challenged (invited) them to stop talking and do something about it.

The Rules:

There are no rules and we don’t talk about….just kidding, you have to have a Fight Club reference, right?

We have a $40 buy in so basically I’ll be winning $160 in February. They have no self-control. It will be easy money. (This is called trash talking and it is what men do to each other to encourage them). I also plan to sabotage their efforts with pizzas and beer.

I’ll give them false hope by saying things like:

“One more beer won’t hurt.”

“A bucket of hot wings isn’t that bad.”

“Man, you are looking trim. You got this contest in the bag…here, have another piece of cheesecake.”

The Weigh In (Start Weight) is an honor one. We have told each other our starting weight and our goal weight. I set the official end date of February 16, 2015. As you know, my start weight is 226 with a goal of at least 205 but I’d like 200. I have to crush it and take it all.

I’ll maybe give you a progress report once in a while. I don’t want to tip my hand to the other losers involved.

 

Your comments, exercise tips, healthy snack tips, are welcome. You can also post your weight loss stories if you like. And if you have any extremely bad weight gaining recipes, send them over too. I’ll change the title and send it to the rest of the Fat Ass Dads and tell them it is a low fat recipe.