Last Minute Costume Ideas for Halloween

This morning, I did some quick brainstorming ideas for your last minute costume rush!

1. Overzealous Sports Fan: just wear your favorite team’s jersey and paint your face.  Scream at all times and talk about how the next week is going to be awesome when we crush our rivals on Sunday!

2. Disenfranchised Employee: Have that look of discontent across your face, shake your head, and carry your coffee cup around.  Mumble how the company is going to shit and no one cares anymore.

3. Pissed off Dad: basically the same as Disenfranchised Employee but replace coffee cup with a bottle of beer (or glass of whiskey).  Ask when the hell these kids are cleaning up their mess.

4. Douche Bag Frat Boy: wear a Tank Top with some Greek letters, some dark sunglasses, carry a red solo cup, and say “Bro” at the start AND end of every sentence.  Bro, you know what I mean, bro?

5. Wear a very short skirt and be a “sexy” whatever.  Wear the apporiate color skirt for the costume: white for nurse, red for firefighter, black for witch, etc. Skirts can be mixed in with Overzelous Sports Fan to make Sexy Overzelous Sports Fans. Flashing your breasts to random strangers is optional, especially if you are a man.

6. Prescription Drug Mom: just grab that Zoloft and float through life. Start a sentence and just never let it finish….. 

7. Overworked Mom: Frazzled hair, disconnected husband, multiple children, minivan, attempt to balance career and home life. Optional: “surprise baby”. You know the one that was the “oops” kid…but you forget that one at home….

8. Hipster: wear a goatee, mismatched clothes, bowling shoes, white T-shirt with vest, and a fedora. Basically, every male movie friendzone character you have seen for the 1980’s.

9. Inappropriate Sexual Comments Guy: Just sneer and jeer at all the women at the party, add in at the end of every conversation “That’s what she said.”  Then talk about how big those “melons” are. If you like to have your face slapped, pinch a few ladies’ butts and see what happens.

10. Absentee Father/Baby Daddy: This guy is at every party….he just isn’t there.

Pig out and enjoy your kid’s candy! 

 

Halloween 2015

Yes, Halloween is tomorrow! Are you excited? Ready to get your freak on? 

No? Me either….

This year we didn’t even bother to get the Halloween decorations out. Sure, we made a quick trip to the pumpkin patch with our Girl Scout troop a few weekends ago. This is where I paid $12 for a pumpkin. Ironically, that “special pumpkin patch” pumpkin was trucked in and placed there by a farm employee; it wasn’t grown there on the spot like everyone wants to believe. So I guess we know who got “Tricked”, right? Just me and my wallet, that’s all.

Our family did however, want to carve a few pumpkins (so we can at least pretend we care about Halloween).  We went ahead and purchased a few more pumpkins at the local grocery store which is a mere 2 minute drive from my house. That 2 minute drive was in comparison to the 30 minute drive I had previously done for my $12 pumpkin. And guess what?  The pumpkins at the grocery store were $4 each.  Yes, my $4 grocery store pumpkin was the same size as the $12 “farm/pumpkin patch” one.
I know, it is all about the “experience”, right?  Everyone wants to drive 30-40 minutes, walk around a muddy field, look at a bunch of dirty pumpkins, carry the dirty pumpkin, buy the pumpkin, overpay for the pumpkin, and then drive back home for another 30-40 minutes.

My daughter is actually into carving pumpkins and turning them into Jack-o-lanterns. I was pretty impressed with her ability to slice and dice up these pumpkins.

Now the pumpkins are carved and ready to be kicked in by some teenager’s shoe on Halloween tomorrow night. We strive to make it a pumpkin smashing good time!

  

Don’t Give Up Coffee! Give up your expensive, fattening Coffee Drink!

With all the New Year’s Resolutions flying around, the one resolution that particular bothers me is: People giving up drinking coffee. I understand people want to get healthier. But why deny yourself something so wonderful as coffee? That wonderful drink that helps you get through the day?  That old pal that helps you stay awake?  The drink that allows you to bond with your co-workers while complaining about your boss?  Why give up on that old friend?

I know you think giving up coffee is a good time…I understand you want to be true to your New Year’s Resolutions.  However, may I make a suggestion?  Load up that cup of coffee with all the bad stuff you can find.  Make that cup of coffee the worst possible drink out there (this is exactly what Starbucks does) and then give it up.

Heck, the coffee isn’t the bad part….just think about a “coffee drink” from Starbucks.  That is what is bad.

Think about it for a  minute.  Take a wonderful cup of coffee…

Add loads of sugar (or honey…cane sugar…sweetner)

…add in some whole milk or maybe even some nice half-and-half

…make that into a coffee drink (because it really isn’t a cup of coffee anymore is it?)

and now give it up.  Give up all that bad stuff that you have come to love in your coffee.  That will make you feel better about that silly New Year’s Resolution you made in the heat of a New Year’s Eve’s moment (when you were weak because your old pal coffee wasn’t there).  You know you wouldn’t have made that resolution on New Year’s Day in the morning at breakfast.  No, you made that resolution the night before when you were with our casual friend “Alcohol”.

Sure you and Alcohol go way back, don’t you?  But Alcohol isn’t with you every day.  Do you know who is?  Coffee.

Old Alcohol was trying to get you to ditch your true friend Coffee.  Don’t ditch Coffee.  Alcohol only comes to hang out during the fun events like football games and birthday parties.  Coffee is there, day in and day out.  Don’t substitute a sure thing with something that only likes to party once in a while with you.

Of course, it isn’t too bad when alcohol and coffee get together at the same time to party with you.  A nice cold Sunday afternoon with your two pals Coffee and Alcohol makes a wonderful end to a weekend.  They get along perfectly and they make the weekend a blast.

Special thanks to Nick over at Nick’s Blog for this post idea…

Image from Flickr.com
Image from Flickr.com

Shopping Malls & Christmas Newsletters

Happy Holidays!

Christmas is around the corner and I really hope you got all of your holiday shopping done. I drove by one of our shopping malls this past Sunday and that looked crazy. Insanely crazy. I hate shopping malls all the time but to have to venture into one during the holidays is worse. I looked at that shopping mall parking lot and thought what fresh hell that must be. Thank goodness I do all of my shopping online.

To be honest, my wife does all of the holiday shopping. I just pay for it and sign the card. She is awesome for that stuff and I really appreciate her.

We are also attempting to send out Christmas cards this year. We haven’t done it for the past few years because I’m lazy. I use to write a snarky Christmas newsletter as well. I use to be really good at it. The key phrase here is “use to be”. Let’s face it; my blog doesn’t get enough attention from me so a Christmas Newsletter isn’t high on my list of things to do.

Let’s be clear, I don’t hate Christmas Newsletters. Actually, I love them. I love to get Christmas Newsletters because it allows me to read about all the fun stuff going on (without having to read all of the Facebook posts). The newsletter is nice tidy summary of the good events that have happened over the past year. No one writes about the bad stuff like how you got rear ended by the guy checking his text messages. And they avoid all of the photos of food and drinks people post. So please, send me your holiday newsletter…I love them.

The Holidays are here…Are You Ready?

I have to admit, I don’t feel stressed out about the holiday season…yet. We have all the parties scheduled on the family calendar and my wife has figured out the gifts for the kids. I was even proactive and purchased my wife’s Christmas gift for her this past week (a week ahead of schedule). I have pretty much given up on guessing what she wanted about ten years ago. I ask her to create a list for me so I can avoid feeling like an idiot on Christmas morning. Honey, you don’t like the gun rack I got for you? Camo ain’t your favorite color for a nightgown?

Some wives would say “You should know me by now and know exactly what I want”. Really? Isn’t that a recipe for disaster? Would you trust your husband?  This is the same guy who burns water and can’t cook a hot dog correctly.  I know who I am: I’m a moron when it comes to gifts and presents. My wife is way too smart to leave her present up to chance. She knows I am clueless when it comes to gifts. Sure, you can buy your wife a new car, a diamond necklace, or maybe even plan a trip to Kauai and you would be safe. But can a husband really think what his wife wants? No, he can’t. Those gifts are fool proof. Who wouldn’t want those things?

Yes, I’m safe and sane when it comes to the gift department. Why try to disappoint my wife? She doesn’t deserve to be disappointed (seriously, being married to me is already a disappointment). Let her enjoy Christmas morning with a gift she really wants. The wish list makes life so much easier and safer. Of course, I must admit those fuzzy Hello Kitty bathroom slippers would look pretty good on her feet….

Enjoy your day!

Kevin Hellriegel
Merry Christmas!

Ten Great Reasons why I hate Frosty the Snowman

This is actually the first time I have re-posted one of my blog entries.  However, it was requested by one of my three followers so I thought to myself (as I talked to my cat out loud): Why not post it again?

 

Ten Great Reasons why I hate Frosty the Snowman!

It is the Christmas season and the wonderful time of holiday TV specials has begun.  I like most of the Christmas TV specials like Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer, Santa Claus is Coming to Town, the Grinch who stole Christmas, etc.  However, the one Christmas Special I can’t stand is “Frosty the Snowman”.

  1. Really what is Frosty the Snowman?  He is a bad LSD trip of some whacked out meth head.  The only redeeming quality of Frosty the Snowman is Andy Griffith is the narrator of the cartoon.  The rest of it I hate.
  1. Frosty always says “Happy Birthday”.  Really?  What is he a homeless bum who thinks every day is his birthday?  Is he too drunk to remember it isn’t everyone’s birthday?  Does he need a reason to drink?  “Oh, it’s someone’s birthday!  Let’s go out to Appplebee’s and get wasted!”  That one saying drives me nuts.  “Happy Birthday?”  It’s winter and almost Christmas, I’m not thinking of your birthday, I’m thinking about Christmas presents, Christmas cookies, and egg nog.
  1. He is a cry baby whiner.  There is a scene where he is all sad that the kids are leaving to go back home.  Oh, poor homeless snowman.  Jeez, stop your whining.  Man up, build a snow house and make a snow dog to keep you company.
  1. He sleds by just getting on his belly and sliding down a hill.  Seriously, we all know that Frosty would be jumping on his belly, knocking the wind of his snowman lungs, and cursing up a storm for being so stupid.  He would be doing a belly flop into three inches of snow.  Don’t you think that would hurt?  Darn right it would.
  1. And really, Frosty wouldn’t be sliding down the hill.  Instead, a big pile of snow would build up right in front of Frosty and he would stop in three feet.  Frosty isn’t going anyway fast.
  1. Frosty is just a homeless bum.  After the kids go home to their families or single mothers.  He just wanders around after dark without a purpose…just like the guy who lives under the overpass.
  1. And do I darn mention the sequel “Frosty Returns”.  Do we really need more of Frosty’s inane drunk babblings of “Happy Birthday”?
  1. Frosty promotes smoking.  In this day and age of Political Correctness, why hasn’t someone digitally erased his corncob pipe?  Seriously, if they can change E.T., then they can change Frosty.  It’s a cartoon!  It can’t be that hard.
  1. Frosty likes little kids….too much.  He hangs around kids all day long in a nice pedophile way.  Creepy just like Michael Jackson and his “Jesus Juice”.  Next thing we know Frosty will want to invite the boys and girls over for a nice sleepover in his snow bed.  Just plain creepy.
  1. And in the song, doesn’t Frosty die?  Sure, he melts away and in a Star Trek world he comes back.  But in the lame TV holiday special he makes it to the North Pole with Santa and lives on?  This is all after he puts Karen into life threatening situations (like the refrigerator train car).  Karen takes a long trip ride in a freezing cold refrigerator car were most people would be a Popsicle at the end of the trip.  Hell, why can’t Karen be a normal kid that just sticks Frosty on the train, sends him on his merry way, and forgets about him in 10 minutes?

Frosty the Snowman sucks.  This is one holiday special I wish was lost forever in the depths of CBS television studios.

 

Thanksgiving is over….

Thanksgiving is over and it is Black Friday. Our family doesn’t partake in Black Friday shopping. Instead, we sit around and enjoy whatever movie happens to flow across our Netflix account. We lounge around and relax, enjoy the gas fireplace, and watch the rain come pouring down.

Just a nice holiday weekend to enjoy with the family. Enjoy your holiday weekend as well!

The Big Freeze in Seattle (but we have sunshine)

We have had a bit of a freeze here in the Pacific Northwest. Portland was lucky (or unlucky) enough to get some snow while here in the Seattle area we have had freezing temperatures and blue skies. Yes, blue skies with sunshine! Oh, and we can see Mt. Rainier too! I know, pretty exciting huh?

The nice part about the cold temperatures is the fact you can stay inside and enjoy the gas fireplace. Heck, if you don’t have one of those, burn a few nice candles. Maybe some nice pumpkin spice ones to put you in the fall holiday mood….drink some hot buttered rum…relax…

So remember:
Autumn is a second spring when every leaf is a flower.
-Albert Camus

http://mobile.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/a/albertcamu107639.html

Pumpkin Protein Shake Recipe for you whiney pumpkin lovers!

Oh, all the rage is pumpkin spice, right? I’m not a big fan of the pumpkin spice lattes but I do love pumpkin pie. I also thought a pumpkin protein shake wouldn’t be too bad. I didn’t want a lot of sugar in my protein shake since I’m doing my Fat Ass Dads Weight Loss Challenge. (I’m headed to Kauai and Maui in four months so I’m trimming down and toning up!). I was concerned that the canned pumpkin I was using was for pumpkin pies and would have lots of sugar. It actually isn’t bad in the sugar department.

A quick internet search got me to a website that had a pretty good pumpkin protein shake recipe. I wish I had bookmarked the page for you but as a lazy American male; I didn’t. Here is the basic recipe that I use these days.

1 cup Non Fat Milk
3/4 cup non fat plain Greek yogurt (because it’s the “in” thing to use)
1/2 cup to 1 cup canned pumpkin
1 teaspoon of cinnamon
1 teaspoon of nutmeg
1 scoop of Vanilla Protein Mix
1 tablespoon of ground flax seed
3-6 ice cubes (optional)

Whirl all that up in your blender and you are good to go.

You can adjust the recipe to fit your individual taste. Don’t even thinking of commenting about how much it sucks. It isn’t a real ice cream milkshake, so no whining that it doesn’t taste like that McDonald’s pumpkin milkshake, ok?

Everyday my recipe is a little different because I’m lazy and don’t measure everything perfectly. Maybe (if the mood fits me) I’ll share my peanut butter banana protein shake recipe with you in my next post.

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Welcome to The Fat Ass Dad’s Weight Loss Challenge….

Welcome to The Fat Ass Dad’s Weight Loss Challenge

Yes, I’ve decided to drop some weight before our family’s trip to Maui in February 2015. Now, I know you are like Cyndi (My Imaginary Stalker) and think I look awesome all the time. It’s true; I do look fantastic. Sure, I’m now a bit older and I have a few extra pounds around my gut (SNL Middle Age Man Skit “You’re staring at my gut, aren’t you? I’m working on it”). However, let’s be realistic; we all need to get into better shape. I know everyone admires my huge arms, my broad shoulders, my beautiful smile, my charming wit, and my slick bald head. Yet, my big fat belly doesn’t do the rest of me justice. It needs to go.

Last Christmas, my friend and I noticed we both had risen to new heights on the bathroom scale. I think after the holidays I tipped in at 240 lbs. I skipped the Five Stages of Grief and did a little something about it. I dropped my weight down to 225. However, last summer (July 2013), I was 213 lbs. Currently, I’m coming in at 226 lbs. My goal is 200-205 lbs. by the time I walk on that plane for Maui in February.  I want to wear that neon green speedo on the beaches of Maui and embarrass my kids.  Did I just make you puke it your mouth a bit with that visual?  Good….

I’m putting it out there. I now have published my goal weight on my blog for Cyndi and my three other followers to read about. Don’t worry; my wife doesn’t read my blog so she doesn’t even care if I publish it. She would probably like it that I now have Cyndi and three followers holding me accountable. Heaven help me.

So where does the Fat Ass Dad’s Weight Loss Challenge come in? Over the past nine months (and years), a few of my friends have all talked about losing weight, eating better, drinking less. I decided it is time for the rubber to meet the road. I went ahead and challenged (invited) them to stop talking and do something about it.

The Rules:

There are no rules and we don’t talk about….just kidding, you have to have a Fight Club reference, right?

We have a $40 buy in so basically I’ll be winning $160 in February. They have no self-control. It will be easy money. (This is called trash talking and it is what men do to each other to encourage them). I also plan to sabotage their efforts with pizzas and beer.

I’ll give them false hope by saying things like:

“One more beer won’t hurt.”

“A bucket of hot wings isn’t that bad.”

“Man, you are looking trim. You got this contest in the bag…here, have another piece of cheesecake.”

The Weigh In (Start Weight) is an honor one. We have told each other our starting weight and our goal weight. I set the official end date of February 16, 2015. As you know, my start weight is 226 with a goal of at least 205 but I’d like 200. I have to crush it and take it all.

I’ll maybe give you a progress report once in a while. I don’t want to tip my hand to the other losers involved.

 

Your comments, exercise tips, healthy snack tips, are welcome. You can also post your weight loss stories if you like. And if you have any extremely bad weight gaining recipes, send them over too. I’ll change the title and send it to the rest of the Fat Ass Dads and tell them it is a low fat recipe.