Let’s face it, you hate people, I hate people, and we really hate sitting next to them in the airplane. Sure, we all wish we could afford First Class but we can’t. However, we can use certain techniques to maximize your seat space on the airplane.
- Bring Your Own Smelly Food – Since the airlines want to make a profit, one of the first things to go was the food service. But this is an awesome time to bring your own food along! And it had better be extremely good and stinky. We all know that the stinky food is the best food! Pickled eggs, sauerkraut, sardines, garlic bread, cat food, and maybe some strange food that would make a billy goat puke is just what you need on your next flight.
- Stake out the Armrest – the seats and the armrest aren’t getting any bigger on airplanes these days and you need to stake your claim to them. As soon as you sit down, stretch out and take as much space as you can. When your neighbors arrive, just cough a lot, and wipe your hands all over the armrest. Ha, these armrest belong to me now.
- Take Those Shoes Off and Let Those Stinky Feet Breath – why should your feet be trapped in your shoes? These flight is the beginning of your vacation. Take those shoes off and relax.
- Don’t Brush Your Teeth – nothing says “I don’t care about life, you, or your comfort” than skipping the brushing those pearly white teeth. Your mouth should smell and taste like the inside of a elementary school dumpster on a hot spring afternoon.
- Don’t Shower – Again, you want to push people away. With your awful breath, you can add to the sensual pleasure by not taking a shower for a few days before your flight.
- Dress Poorly – dress like a slob AND make sure you wear the wrong travel clothes. Pants that are too tight – check! Coats with not enough pockets – check! A big hat that gets in the way – check!
- Have a HUGE Carry On Bag – The heavier, the better. Just like all the unsolved resentment you carry around in your soul, your carry on bag should be just as heavy. Make sure that you can’t lift it over your head. Ideally, your bag should make a professional weightlifter pop a blood vessel as he lifts it.
- Talk to EVERYONE…be loud and proud! Everyone wants to hear about how you had an awful time on the taxi ride to the airport, or how Aunt Megan thinks you drink too much. Make new friends by asking questions that are way too personal. Remember, make them feel uncomfortable and they will scoot away from you as far as their little seatbelt will allow.
As always, I know these eight awesome travel tips will really bring you to the top of your worthless life. What better way to make it to the lower bottom of life?
It is April and I have been too busy thinking of worthwhile advice to make any good worthless advice posts. It is a tough business thinking up worthless advice for my four followers to read about. Yes, I picked up a new follower today so I’m pretty sure I’m up to four people that follow me.
Now, Cyndi (my imaginary stalker) is by far my favorite. She loves everything I write and this does wonders for my fragile ego. Heck, I need all the pats on the back I can get. Blogging is a really tough gig, as you all know. My lack of posting on a regular doesn’t help to make my blog anymore popular either.
So I’ll be offering you the best worthless advice this coming month! Maybe we can talk about taxes, school photos, health insurance? What is more worthless than my advice (besides my travel tips)?
As always your comments are needed to keep my feelings from being hurt. Pretend you read me every day!
I have to admit that I’m beginning to worry that chosen field of worthless advice may be becoming too crowded. Most advice out there is worthless but at least I admit my advice is worthless and awesome. However, the term “worthless” is being thrown around out there by everyone trying to butt in on my niche. It is becoming annoying and rather troublesome to think that now I really have to pump out the worthless advice.
These clever imitators try to offer “helpful” advice but we know it is really “worthless”. Top Ten Lists are the worst offenders making it easy to muck up the reader’s life by following the bullet points. Worthless advice isn’t easy to dish out in a cookie cutter fashion. You must be skilled at it. You have to know that your advice really won’t help anyone but yourself.
As I scorn through the vast information highway, a simple search through my WordPress Reader makes me sick when I use the term “worthless”.
Bring on the depression when you click on the link to any blog with the term “worthless” in it. I fall deep into a person’s written account of how they feel worthless and I need to fight the strong urge to stab my eyes with a letter opener to stop the insanity. Then I realize that all the letter openers are in landfills because no one writes letters anymore and all those noble letter opener manufacturers are bankrupt.
Are these blogs I’ve stumbled upon really worthless? Probably not. Most of the writers admit that they have a good family life, a good home, and food in their stomachs but they feel worthless. I just want to slap them upside the head and tell them to stop complaining. Things could be worse for them. They have access to the internet and time to write a blog about feeling worthless. They could be stuck watching a local production of a musical by a bunch of untalented elementary students singing off key and missing their cues.
But then again, maybe they have some mental issues and I’m not being sensitive. I understand mental issues and the problems they bring. I know that the chemical imbalance causes havoc in the mind and crazy stuff happens. I read a few of those crazy bloggers and they are some of the best blogs around. You have to love craziness.
So I won’t slap them upside the head because I am sensitive (shhh…don’t tell anyone) and I do have a heart. I usually write a positive uplifting comment on their blog to give them some encouragement. Jeez, I’m getting soft, aren’t I? Next thing you know I’ll be adopting sixteen cats and starting an animal shelter in my basement. And even that wouldn’t be worthless to me or my sixteen kitty cats because I would be an awesome Crazy Cat Guy.
Good luck on your blog and write your witty comments below.