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Tag Archives: worthless parenting advice

How to Foil the T-Shirt Thief: Decoy Shirts

Image from http://www.mainstreetts.com/t-shirts.jpg

  Who wouldn’t be insane witImage from http://www.mainstreetts.com/t-shirts.jpg

I have a T-shirt thief in my house; my T-shirts have become her pajamas and I only get to see my old friends as I do the laundry.  However, I have a clever plan to foil this T-Shirt thief.  Well, more like limit the shirts she decides to use.  I have a decoy drawer of shirts!  To give you a little history of men and their love for T-Shirts, I have two drawers of T-shirts (Tee Shirts).  Why two drawers? I have two drawers because everyone knows men NEVER throw their T-shirts away.  Unlike my worthless advice, my T-shirts never become worthless.  If a man does get rid of a T-shirt, it is clearly a mistake or an accidental lapse of sanity.  Who isn’t insane with your T-shirt collection is in consent danger of being stolen?

Keeping that in mind, I put all of my least favorite shirts in the top drawer and move my nicer shirts to the bottom drawer.  We won’t talk about the other stack of T-Shirts in my closet; those are back up T-Shirts and we don’t need to talk about those.  Then there is the guest closet with the T-shirts that I only wear during the winter months because clearly they are used underneath my sweaters.  Those T-shirts aren’t allowed to mingle with the summer T-shirts.  Everyone knows Summer T-shirts have sarcastic sayings so you can express your brand of humor to the world and show everyone how clever you are.

Now, I have my T-Shirts in two drawers which allows the thief to use my least favorite shirts as pajamas.  She ALWAYS gets the T-shirts from the top drawer, thus never accessing the bottom T-shirt drawer.  So the good T-shirts go in the bottom drawer.  She gets to use some of my T-Shirts and I get to keep my favorites hidden away in a safe location.  It’s a fair deal, right?

Organizational Tip: Instead of stacking your T-shirts one on top of another, put them sideways in your drawer.  This way you can see the different colors of shirts quickly.

Another Tip: Always organize your shirt drawer by color.  All the red shirts go together, blues, greens, etc.

I think I failed to make this a worthless advice blog post with those two awesome tips.  Oh well….

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Curriculum Night: How my Child will learn to Become a Mid-Level Management Suck Up

This evening I went to my daughter‘s “curriculum” night at her school. This just happens to be my last one for elementary school. Have you forgotten about curriculum night? Or maybe you are a bad parent and have never attended one before? Basically, the teacher tells you what your child will be learning over the course of the year. In the great State of Washington, goals have changed and the names of the goals have changed. We’ve had WASL goals, we’ve had Iowa tests, we’ve had critical thinking goals, MAPSAT, BS Goals, etc. The acronyms keep rolling out and the goals keep changing but it all comes down to this: we want our kids grow up with a decent brain inside their heads.

I’m all for progress and helping my child become a world thinker who is compassionate and uses critical thinking in their ever changing world of shifting paradigms while at the same time becoming a global citizen that needs to manage her own future. How about that? Is that a “mission statement” or what?

One of the new math concepts is for our students to work on the computer solving problems. Really? The teacher had a sample problem involving pizza and two kids. One kid was named Lucas. All I was thinking while she was showing us the math word problem was that Lucas was a fat pig who shouldn’t be eating 3/8 of the cheese pizza, 4/8 of the pepperoni, and ¼ of another one. That Lucas kid is going to be one fat ass kid with weight and self-esteem issues if he keeps pigging out. Poor Lucas.  Did Lucas think he found the best Seattle pizza?

Welcome back to School!

Welcome back to School!

My other concern was that it was fairly stupid to being solving this math problem on a computer. A good old pencil and paper would be a lot quicker and easier to use. How are they going to do the math on the fly if the computer isn’t there? Hmm? Are the children of today (and tomorrow) going to be able to do math without the use of a pull down menu? Could they mix art and math together and sketch out the problem on paper with a pencil and still figure it out?

Really, all I saw was that our schools were teaching our kids to rely on a computer to create a whole bunch of extra work to solve a simple math word problem. They can make pie graphs, charts, etc. That’s great but it is a simple problem. They don’t need to make a ten page report on it that is a waste of everyone’s time. Are we creating a society of mid-level managers that make reports for the heck of it and to justify their jobs?

“I have that twenty page report on why we shouldn’t eating Twinkles!” Conclusion: Uh, because they are bad for us? Or maybe we should eat them because it helps the fitness industry keep fitness instructors employed?

Over the years, I’ve learned that you need to watch less TV, get off the worthless texting and Instagram, Facebook, social media sites, and read more nonfiction (that was a big one tonight) and classic novels. I would also add you need to get out and experience life. Take the kids to museums, road trips, ferry boat rides, hikes, walks, boat rides, and feel the wind in your face.

Don’t get me wrong; I love the internet as much as you do. All the information at your fingertips, merely a click away…it’s wonderful.

Yet, I’m just as guilty as other parents and their children in letting social media run our lives. I have a hard time disconnecting from my iPhone. I have slowed down my use of social media. I have tried to make a deliberate effort not to check my phone when I’m doing activities with the family. I try to ignore that email buzz on my phone. It is hard. Sometimes I’m good and other times I’m not.

What are your thoughts about using only computers for school work these days? Will it work?

 

Boy Scout Camp: Camp Meriwether – The Camp of Broken Dreams, Tears, and Crybaby Hill

Boy Scout Camp: Camp Meriwether

  In June, I took over as Scoutmaster for my son’s Boy Scout troop.  This was my first Boy Scout camp where I was in charge as the head Scoutmaster.  In year’s past, I have always been the Assistant Scoutmaster; not the guy in charge.  I’m happy to report that this year things went smoothly at summer camp.  No major issues to report.  The new First Year Scouts (that have recently joined our troop) weren’t too homesick and our older scouts weren’t too much of trouble makers this year.  No fires to report; no hazing; only one scout who wandered off in the middle of the night; and only one disrespectful scout (who won’t be coming back) because as I told him “There is a new sheriff in town.”

  We had 19 scouts and 6 adults attend Camp Meriwether (located on the Oregon Coast near Tillamook) this summer.  It was nice to go back to the same Boy Scout summer camp again this summer.  Again, we were luckily enough to have a great campsite with a beautiful view of the Pacific Ocean.  It is quite a bonus to wake up and see the surf crashing on the beautiful sand beach each morning.

  Boy Scout summer camp is in no way a picnic.  It is fun but it isn’t a vacation.  A vacation would entail me actually relaxing, sleeping in a comfortable bed, drinking a nice bottle of beer (or scotch) and having some really good food.  In reality, Boy Scout camp is me having to walk at least five minutes to a flush toilet, ten minutes to a hot shower, and waking up every morning at 6 am.  Not exactly my ideal vacation.  I also have to supervise 19 Boy Scouts who are mostly teenagers or pre-teens.  Imagine herding cats and you now know what Boy Scout camp is like.

  Some of the Boy Scouts are good; some are misdirected.  They are typical teenagers.  They want to sleep in (but they can’t).  They stay up too late.  Their nerves on at their last shreds of working and they begin to annoy each other.  They don’t take enough showers.  Some scouts like to take two showers a day while others don’t shower for the whole week.  Throw four boys into a cabin and it looks like the room was tossed by some overzealous vice cops on a drug bust; the cabin is just plain awful.  God knows if they actually brush their teeth or not.  Wash their hands?  One can only hope.

  On the plus side, we had great weather with mostly sunshine and no rain.  The food isn’t bad but I wouldn’t eat it long term.  To be fair, Camp Meriwether has the best food I have experienced at a Boy Scout camp.  Overall, the Scouts (and the adults) had a positive experience. 

How to Stop Your Kids From Whining and Be an Awesome Parent!

 If you didn’t know this already….kids whine and they whine a lot.  They whine about the color of their shoes, they whine when they are hungry, they whine when you forget to pick them up from school three times in row. 

Most likely, they learned the whining from your spouse (or ex-spouse).  Don’t worry; you aren’t to blame.  All the bad traits come from your spouse.  They are probably big whiners and passed this annoying behavior onto your children.  While it might be too late for your spouse to change, you can at least mold your mini-me into the person you were too lazy to become.

You can keep your kids from whining by following these worthless parenting tips from your favorite Uncle Kevin (or your Cousin Kevin or your Idol Kevin…you pick which name you like best for me).  In a short few hours, your child will stop whining and you’ll be able to leave a nice comment for me below.

 Listen to Your Child:

Whining is usually a call for attention from your child.  This means you should probably put down your smartphone and pay attention to your child for one brief moment.  Listen to them for that few seconds so they feel important and loved.  You aren’t actually going to do anything besides listen to them for a few seconds, so don’t worry if you were a little slow on getting that Facebook post up; you still have time to post how cute your child is or to share the latest blog post from Kevin Hellriegel’s Worthless Advice Blog.

Play the “I Don’t Know You” Game

When your child begins to whine, play the “I Don’t Know You” game.  To play, you simply pretend you don’t have a clue who this whining kid is next you.  It is really fun at the shopping mall when security comes and takes your child away.  The whining stops immediately and is replaced with the look of utter terror on your child’s face as security drags your kid away.  It truly warms one’s heart when your child realizes you aren’t going to save them.  Then the whining will stop for sure.

Schedule “Whining” Time

Allow your kids to whine.  Of course, you won’t be there to hear them but at least they can whine.  I personally like to schedule whining time outside, in the rain, on a Thursday afternoon when I’m not home but the kids are.  Whine away, kids, whine away because your parents aren’t listening.

Ignore Them to Discourage Whining

You could listen to them or you could ignore them.  Just like you ignore the salad on your dinner plate, you can ignore the whiner.  The whining won’t disappear but you can at least toss it into the trash just like the salad.

Have a Whining Bank

If they want to whine, just let them know they are taking a loan from the Whining Bank.  To pay back this loan from the bank, they get to work for you doing the worst of the household chores: picking up dog poop, changing Grandpa’s diaper, eating leftovers from three weeks ago (because we don’t waste food in our house you spoiled whiny brat!).  If they don’t want to do chores you can introduce them to Vinny the Chores Enforcer and his baseball bat.

Overschedule Your Child

There is nothing better than having your child doing too many activities causing them to be too exhausted to even think about whining to you.  As an added bonus, you can then be that martyr parent that is so busy.  You can talk about how busy you are driving the kids around from place to place and you have no time for yourself.  Yet you have time to post comments on Facebook.  Every heard of reading a book while you are at the tennis lesson

Add a few of your whining comments below and complain about how unfair I am.  Go ahead…whine away!

The 10 Best Bad Parenting Tips!

It is so easy to dispense great parenting advice when you are an awesome parent like me.  However, it is a harder to teach others how to be bad parents.  Frankly, most people don’t listen to my great advice.  Keep in mind: parenting is a lifetime commitment that haunts you for the rest of your life.  Unless your kids turn out to be awesome and without any character flaws, you will most likely have them in your life forever.

That means that with some bad parenting, you can enjoy the journey of parenting  It’s not the destination; it’s the journey that is so darn fun!

10. Don’t Follow Through on Anything!

You don’t want your kids to think you (or anyone else) are reliable.  Empty promises are a surefire way to make your kids understand that the world is an unreliable place.  This gives them a head’s up that when the cable company says that they will be there in morning; that really means you’ll be lucky if they show up by 8 pm that evening.  Sure, take a whole day off from work and enjoy a wasted day waiting for your imaginary cable guy.  At least you can catch up on your Dr. Phil episodes.

9. Don’t Set Limits

Limits are for parents that want to shelter their kids from the pains of failure.  Your kids should be allowed to know that if they screw up; well it isn’t your fault.  How are they going to learn if you limit their creativity?  And if you set limits you might have to enforce these limits.  Jeez, that just makes more work for you.  You are a busy parent; you don’t need extra work on top of your yoga and latte schedule; that is just ridiculous.

8. Don’t be Flexible on Anything!

Sometimes you have to be flexible to be a good parent…nah, I’m kidding.  Never budge on anything.  If you give in on anything or if you are flexible on anything…well, you might as well give up your kids to foster care.  If plans change; too bad! So what if your kid is getting an Outstanding Student of the Quarter Award.  If it is during your favorite TV show; be firm on your schedule and don’t go.  It’s not like you’ll be able to see that show later!

7. Don’t Give in to Being a Good Parent

You’ll get a lot of pressure from your family and friends to be a good parent.  They’ll offer advice (most of it worthless advice) about how you need to “step up your game as a parent”.  Sure, their kids are doctors, lawyers, and other productive members of society…but what does that really prove?  If you are a father, you are even more important to a child’s life.  However, that isn’t going to stop you from hanging out at the football field reliving the glory years and drinking beer behind the bleachers.

6. Make Sure Your Kids Know Who is Boss!

Kids these days run all over their parents.  They are bossy and disrespectful.  You should tell them right off the bat that you are “The Boss”.  As soon as your wife/girlfriend is pregnant you should be telling your unborn child that you are the boss.  Whisper to them that they need to change their diapers at three months old you won’t be taking care of them forever.  You aren’t raising slackers!

5. Use Fear and Intimidation

If it works for 3rd World Dictators; it will work for you too!  If that kid of yours didn’t bother listen to you in the womb, now is the time to introduce fear and intimidate to their plate of feelings.  Allow them to taste how it will be like later in life when they meet the neighborhood bully.  You yelling and scaring him prepares him for what it will be like at school when the really bullies push him down and take his lunch money.

4. Never Be a Friend to Your Kid

If you are a friend to your kid, you make him a loser.  How is he going to make any friends if his parents are nice to him?  Instead, make sure to be mean and cruel.  This will allow him to have something in common with his peers.  He needs a good bonding point.  Nothing makes kids bond together faster than when they can whine about how “unfair” their parents are.  Usually this bonding occurs as they update their Facebook status on the Smartphone their parents gave them.

3. Always Comparing and Criticize

You know what made America great?  It is our ability to whine and complain about how our siblings were treated better than us.  If you don’t compare and criticize your kids, how are you going to make them competitive players in today’s business world?  Are they going to know that only the favorite child is going to win?  Sure, some of the experts out there want you to think that criticizing and public shaming leads to depression and low self esteem.  But we know what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, right?

2. Don’t Do Anything for your Kids

Do you want your kids to be crybabies?  Are you going to wipe their noses in high school?  Are you going to do their federal income taxes when they are 29 years old?  You think I might be a bit extreme.  But if you help them tie their shoes, you might as well do their do their taxes.  Oh, could you let them live in your basement until they are 40 years old too?  Thanks!  Seriously, let them learn early that having a home cooked meal by your Mom is so phony.  Point to the cupboard and the fridge and say: Have at It!

1. Don’t Pay Attention to Them

Let your nanny or daycare provider shower your kids with love; that is what you pay them for.  Really, have you seen the rates they charge?  They should be paying you for allowing them the opportunity to care for your child and experience the miracle of childcare.  If you pay attention to your kids you are making them think that they will always deserve your attention.  Well, they don’t.  If you pay attention to them, they will think everyone will pay attention to them.  That’s just plain crazy talk.  You want your kids to feel like no one cares; that everyone is just mean and cruel, just like you!

By now, you should have learned that being a parent is hard to do.  Stop trying so hard.  You can’t make water run uphill and you can’t be a good parent overnight.  So don’t even try.  If you have some worthless advice or comments you’d like to share, please leave them below.  They can’t be any worse than my worthless parenting advice.

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