March 16, 2017
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Yippee! It is St. Patrick’s Day, the day second only to Halloween for a day where you can get drunk, dress in a bad costume, and act like a fool! Well, to be clear….I usually make a fool out of myself on Valentine’s Day and National Hot Tub Day (why isn’t National Hot Tub Day a Federal Holiday yet?). However, back to the point of this worthless advice blog…St. Patrick’s Day. In the good old United States of America, we all become Irish on St. Patrick’s Day (March 17).
Lucky for you, I’m part Irish so I can offer my three blog readers and my imaginary stalker Cyndi (who wears sunglasses on the darkest, winter, overcast days) great advice on St. Patrick’s Day.
Tips to be the Best Fake Irish Person You Can Be:
- Randomly yell “Kill the Leprechaun” when you are out at the bar, drinking with your non-Irish friends. Wear a green wig…everyone likes people that wear wigs.
- You can also yell “Kill the Leprechaun” at your child’s school. Make sure you have singled out that redhead music teacher (no one likes her anyway).
- Get a Redhead Spouse….just make sure she isn’t the music teacher you just made fun of.
- Make EVERYTHING green…green…green!…make green pancakes…….make green beer…make green cats….
- On St. Patrick’s Day, You should always talk in a stupid “Irish” accent….or a “Scottish” one or an “English” one….no one in America can really can tell the difference anyway. Just say “Top of the Morning!” to everyone.
- Wear cheap plastic shamrock necklaces. Everyone likes it when the “Made In China” necklace breaks, and those stupid beads and shamrocks are all over the floor, making you slip and fall.
- Wear your green throng underwear (I’m talking to you gentleman readers. Ladies, you can wear whatever you like). Heck, ladies you can even enter a St. Patrick’s Day bikini contest! Nothing puts the “Saint” back into St. Patrick’s Day like a visit to a bar in a bikini! Click on this link for a Bikini bar video!
- Drink Irish whiskey…or wine…green beer…or whatever…it doesn’t matter…just be that annoying douche bag who drinks too much. Kind of like how you are every other day of the year, annoying…and drunk…but really just annoying.
- Oh, don’t forget to wear something green….like the lettuce you have stuck in your teeth. Nothing like getting your vegetables and sadness all in one day.
But you know something that rocks on St. Patrick’s Day? This Lego video!
And if you just need to mellow out…enjoy this video!
You wasted your St. Patrick’s Day reading this blog, but at least you helped me get my readership numbers up. And be happy that I didn’t make this post into a history lesson. Leave me a comment or a link to a funny cat video. Please, and write in an Irish accent…
One more video…
March 17, 2016
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In America, it’s St. Patrick’s Day which had something to do with Irish and consuming large quantities of beer, Irish whiskey, American whiskey, and pretty much any other alcohol you can find. People will talk in their fake Irish accents (except for my friend’s wife who whispers…most annoying) and you have to wear some green to avoid getting pinched by some overly aggressive “green power” enforcer.
Usually, it is a friendly old lady who just wants to pinch my tush. “Back off Grandma”.
My wife has it much worse on St. Patrick’s Day because she is a redhead. Most people assume that all redheads are Irish. This isn’t true. There are more redheads in Scotland than Ireland and therefore more Scots that are redheads than Irish redheads.
Today, I did wear my green polo shirt (because it brings out the color in my eyes, not because it is St. Patrick’s Day). I used my green water bottle and I ate a green salad for lunch. Now, I can proudly walk around with a piece of lettuce stuck in between my teeth and promote my Irish heritage.
Enjoy your St. Patrick’s Day! Make yourself a Grasshopper Martini or drop some food color in your microbrew and enjoy the day! And Thanks for not dying!