Kevin Hellriegel's Blog of Worthless Advice

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Tag Archives: sexy wives

How to Romance Your Husband

This evening I stumbled upon a blog post from a wife writing about “How to Romance Her”. It was six easy steps…or rather suggestions to romance her (or other women). I couldn’t help think to myself that as a man, I could use some romance in my life too!

Below, are seven (because six isn’t enough) romance tips to jump start that romance spark in your life.

Now, this isn’t to say my wife isn’t romantic but clearly my blog is about worthless advice and not about my marriage!! Besides, we all know my wife has to live with me and has to put up with my many highly entertaining comments. So when you see my wife’s comments below, just remember Cyndi (My Imaginary Stalker) will certainly be there to stroke my ego in the event my wife doesn’t. So if my wife isn’t romancing me, be sure to send her this blog post so she can pick up some suggestions.

However keep in mind Cyndi isn’t prefect….or is she?

Enough with Cyndi….Shall we begin with some ideas on how to Romance Your Husband?

Dress Up for Him:
Skip dressing up as a sexy maid or a hooker (trust me that ship as sailed). I would suggest dressing up as the something your husband really desires: a lawn maintenance worker that actually mows the lawn. Nothing says “sexy” as a freshly cut lawn! Or grab that leaf blower and clean out the gutters…uh, that makes you so yummy!

Write Him A Love Note:
What kind of love note? I would like to have a love note written on a $100 bill. Even if you aren’t my wife, you could still send me a $100 love note. Shh, go ahead and send it…I won’t tell!

Cook Him His Favorite Dinner:
What? It doesn’t have to be his favorite, it just has to taste good. We all want a wife that can cook and we really want one that cooks something that is actually edible. So if you are watching the Food Network 7 hours a day, for goodness sake, make sure what you serve up is worth all those hours you wasted in front of the TV.

Wear Perfume:
Sure, throw on some expensive perfume. Nothing like reminding your husband that you forget to shower for the past three days. Of course, the fact you are still in your pajamas at 5:30 in the evening and have cat puke in your hair might be a giveaway as well.

Let Him Enjoy His Hobbies Guilt Free:
Well, if your husband is into hookers and cocaine, who am I to say he needs to give up his hobbies? As a loving, supportive wife you should support his habits no matter how boring and mundane they may be. So that train geek running his toy trains in the basement isn’t so bad, is he? Maybe you prefer your husband liking hookers? It’s your choice….just be supportive.

Send a Sexy Text Message:
In between dropping the kids off at soccer practice and drinking your nonfat latte, send him a sexy text. Maybe something like “oh, I did the dishes AND the laundry today. Maybe I might just tackling ironing your shirts this afternoon….meow.” Trust me, that is a truly sexy text.

Be A Maid:
A bucket, a brush, and a clean house is way sexier than just wearing a boring old French maid costume! Don’t sell yourself short; you can be super sexy cleaning up the kitchen AND the bathroom. Don’t let anyone tell you different! Be the change you deserve in your life!

So get out there and let the romance ooze from your body! Show your husband you know how to keep the spark of romance alive!! Vacuum the living room, fold some clothes, enjoy your marriage to the fullest with my romance tips. Don’t say my blog of worthless advice didn’t you something to keep that marriage (or long term relationship) alive for one more day!

As always, your comments are welcome if you can drag your tired, weary hands across the keyboard. At least hit the “Like” button so I feel like someone (besides my mom and Cyndi) reads my blog.

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Fat Ass Dads Weight Loss Challenge Update October 3

A couple of days ago, I came in at 215 lbs. That is 11 pounds under my starting weight of 226. Not bad since we all started the Fat Ass Dads Weight Loss Challenge around September 4. Of course one whiny father waited until after his birthday to start because he couldn’t resist stuffing his fat face full of cheeseburgers, fries, ice cream, birthday cake, and Pacific Northwest microbrews. I guess my advice was deemed worthless advice when I muttered the word: moderation.

Besides my weight loss, I’m not sure of everyone’s weight loss progress. Only two of my friends (Mark and Kris) have reported to me their weight loss. I suspect some of the Dads are hoping I forgot about it (or them) and will let this little contest faded away. But unlike my belly fat and my hair, we are all in this for the long haul.

Now, one of the Dads would like us all to have a little get together to meet all of the participants in the Fat Ass Dads Weight Loss Challenge. I’m hoping it is so he can size up the competition and see if he has a decent chance of winning. In my opinion, he could take it all. He has the most to lose and as a result would come out a huge winner.

However, if he wants to get together to talk about our “feelings” in regards to this contest and the underlying reasons behind why we are doing it, then I’m out. I’m not here to talk about personal motivation nor dive deep into some psychology babble about how my kitty cat doesn’t love me anymore and that’s why I’m fat. My personal motivation is that I have a pot belly. Sure, it doesn’t look huge because I have broad shoulders, massive biceps, and a killer smile. On top of that, my sculptured back is hard to miss. Throw my extremely good looking muscular legs that make Arnold Schwarzenegger look like a twig stick man, then it is easy to miss my belly fat. But it is there. And it is disappearing.

So you can see, I know my motivation. I don’t need to talk about my feelings. Feelings are for your special “girlfriend” you like to talk to. Sure, some people might refer to her as a whore but who am I to judge? She could be a hooker or a therapist. I’ll be neutral and use the term “friend”. Talk to your special friend about your feelings because we know your spouse doesn’t care (or your male friends for that matter) about your personal motivation.

One method I have found useful of avoiding talking about your feelings, yet will allow you to loss weight, is doing a few lines of coke off your special girlfriend’s ass. However, I think the preferred method nowadays is crystal meth. Again, not my cup of tea but to each their own, right?

All joking aside (and it is a joke people…just say “no” to drugs), the Fat Ass Dads Weight Loss Challenge continues. I’m going to continue to eat my daily salads, eat my protein, and do a killer workout.

As always, your sarcastic thoughts, gems of wisdom, and worthless advice are welcome.

Loon Lake Vacation: A week of our family together and we didn’t kill each other!

Loon Lake Vacation: A week of our family together and we didn’t kill each other!

This summer, instead of spending a week on the Oregon Coast, our family went to Loon Lake in Eastern Washington.  Sure, it isn’t Southern California with Disneyland but I wanted to go somewhere to read a book, play some board games, swim, canoe, and just plain relax.

Eagle on our lawn!

To be honest, I have never been to Loon Lake but with the handy dandy internet it appeared to be a good choice. 

Where the heck is Loon Lake?  Loon Lake is about 26 miles north of the city of Spokane and an easy drive north from the downtown Spokane area on U.S. Highway 395.  As I said before, we have never been to Loon Lake but I did do some research on the internet, asked a few friends (who where from the Spokane area), and it turned out to be a good choice.  We rented a house right on Loon Lake with the thought that we would have another family come with us.  As it turned out, no one else could make it (or maybe they just didn’t want to spend a week with me?).  Nevertheless, we had a nice family vacation with just the four of us.

The other bonus (of Loon Lake) was our mobile phones didn’t work (no cell signal) and we had no wi-fi/internet at the house we had rented.  We were disconnected and it was very nice to be out of the loop.  No Facebook, no Google searches, no email; just books to read, games to play, canoes to paddle, and a warm lake to swim in.

Our house was located on the east shore of Loon Lake so we had a sunset to admire every night.  The weather was a mix of sunshine, rain, and thunderstorms.  We had some awesome lightening storms a few nights while we were at Loon Lake.

The wildlife around Loon Lake is abundant.  We had a bald eagle that landed on our lawn with a huge fish one morning, lots of ducks, loons, etc.  The fishing is Loon Lake is supposed to be very good as well.  They stock it with silver salmon in the spring and our neighbor mentioned several other kinds of fish.  I’m not much of a fisherman, so I didn’t pay too much attention to the list of fish mentioned.

One drawback to our vacation house was the lake was a bit shallow off our beach and dock area.  You could swim but it took a while for you to get to a deep enough spot to swim.  It was only five feet deep 50-75 yards off our beach and it was very mucky (if you put your feet down and tried to touch the bottom).  If we come back to Loon Lake, I would like to have a vacation house with a beach with a steeper slope and less muck off the beach.Loon Lake house

We brought a canoe and this allowed us to paddle out to a swim dock (that one of our neighbors had anchored in deeper water).  We had a great time jumping off the float and swimming in the deeper water.  In August, the Loon Lake water is very clear and warm.  It was warm enough that I wish I had brought along my snorkel gear; I’m sure I would have enjoyed myself for a few hours swimming around.

Loon Lake is a fairly large lake at 1,100 acres.  It is about 2 miles long and 1 mile wide with a depth of 100 feet at its deepest point.  You will see jet skis and water ski boats driving around, but it wasn’t too busy during the week we stayed.  I wasn’t annoyed by the noise and most of the time; you can’t hear a ski boat on the other side of the lake.  I’m not sure that Loon Lake has a public boat launch or a public beach.  Perhaps the lack of a public boat launch keeps the crazy boaters off the lake?

loon Lake, Washington

If we come back to Loon Lake next summer, we will most likely come a week or two earlier in the month of August and look for a smaller cabin/house if it just the four of us again.  The house was too large for us.  We will look for a smaller house, maybe one with a hot tub.  We would also be nice to have a water ski boat (but I haven’t been waterskiing for about 18 years or longer).  Or some loud jet skis!  So if you have either, you are already invited for next summer’s Loon Lake vacation.

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