Kevin Hellriegel's Blog of Worthless Advice

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Tired of having a home? The Guide to living the Homeless Lifestyle (the Correct Way)!

I sometimes worry myself about how I can even figure this stuff out…..

Ok, maybe you just can’t handle the whole “owing a house or renting an apartment” thing.  Maybe you are more suited to living in your car or in a shipping crate by the railroad tracks.  Perhaps that is more of your housing style, however, what will you do about showers, laundry, and sleeping arrangements?

Not to worry dear readers, my worthless advice about “How to Be Homeless” will give you all the awesome advice (or perhaps worthless advice) you need to be successful as a homeless person.

In addition, my tips will allow you to save money and become a success in your personal and professional life.  Remember, homeless doesn’t mean you are jobless!  And homeless doesn’t mean not having a vehicle either!  It only means you don’t have a home!

Shall we begin?

  1. Be Clean: Join a 24/7 Fitness Gym with shower facilities that has many locations.  A hot shower, free soap and shampoo, free towels, and a shave?  And you exercise too?  Sign me up!
  2. Dump Your Garbage.  Learn where all the public parks are located at.  Free garbage service and access to some interesting bathroom options.
  3. Learn where all the Starbucks ae located (Just kidding…there is one on every corner).
  4. Hide right under their Noses: Find Fire Stations or Police Stations to park at.  You can certain park your car in the visitor parking lot for a few hours or overnight.  Who is going to check?
  5. Hang out in Plain Sight.  Park your Honda right at the Honda dealership or  Honda Mechanic’s Garage parking lot.  One more care isn’t going to be noticed.  Or if you have a white van, put a made up delivery company logo on your van…your van is now a delivery van.  Park it in the back of a UPS store.  You now look like you below there.
  6. Enjoy Food: Not having a home means your food budget is now huge!  You can eat out all the time or you can eat healthy salads you make in the backseat.  Yum!
  7. Visit relatives/friends during the holidays.  Bless them with your presence for two or three nights.
  8. Find locations off the beaten path that offer free power. Invest in a long extension cord from that rest stop bathroom to your car.
  9. Find 24 hour Laundromats.  Do laundry, drink beer, and watch TV.  Everyone wins here!
  10. Find 24 hour Businesses.  You can park in their parking lot and they will never know.  People are always coming and going and your car will look like an employee’s car.
  11. Get a Post Office Box for your mail.  But ideally, pay everything online.  Have auto deposit and auto pay systems set up.

Enjoy these eleven awesome “How to be Homeless Tips!”  Remember, you don’t have to let society dictate to you on how to live your life!  You can still have a nice car or van, be a clean person, have a good job, and be a productive member of society by using my proven system!

Happy Homelessness!

Do you have some awesome advice?  Well, keep it to yourself.  We want only worthless and sarcastic comments below.  Hmm, maybe you can add a few tips…go ahead…comment below and hit the “Like” button too.

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How to Stay Demotivated in Life: Worthless Advice that is Great for Years to Come

Sigh…it is so easy to stay motivated when you have a bunch of positive people around you, a stable work environment, and a loving family.  But is that really the best you deserve in life?  To be a highly motivated individual that contributes positively to the world?  A person who is chipper and upbeat; who gets knocked down but still gets up again?

Let’s get unmotivated and demotivate ourselves, shall we?  Here are some worthless advice tips to help you become the loser your girlfriend’s parents warned her about.

Hang Around Losers

Remember how when you were young you had goals and dreams?  No? Me either.  One of best ways to get those silly dreams out of your head is to hang out with losers.  Now, you can find them at your local bar, in friend’s basement, or maybe down at the local park.  The only requirement is for you to stop trying to make yourself better by hanging out in studying groups, book discussion groups, or trade groups.  Just accept that these people are the best individuals you will ever find in life and you’ll never do any better.

Find a Career You Hate and Stick with It!

Remember you took that job as a temporary gig until you found your dream job?  You promise yourself that you’ll do the best you can at it but it is only temporary….  Now, here you are 3, 5, or even 12 years down the line and you are still there in hell staring at your egg salad sandwich (yummy).  So much for keeping your eyes and ears open for a better job opportunity, right?  You might as well stay in your terrible job until your retire…or your company goes bankrupt and your meager retirement funds disappear faster than a donut at a fat farm.  And don’t you dare join a trade group that might help further your career; that might motivate you to better your career and actually enjoy your job.

Watch Mindless Reality Television

Whoa, Einstein…put that book down and turn on your TV.  Why read a book when you can watch a bunch of worthless TV all day long.  As soon as you get home from work, mark sure you turn on that TV and just watch TV.  Maybe learn how to make a bird cage out of willow branches for the imaginary bird you will never own.

Eat Junk Food

Nothing makes you feel like a total loser that that chocolate bar you just pigged down.  Oh, it tastes wonderful as it melts in your mouth.  What is the saying…ounce on the lips, a pound on the hip.  Skip the salads, fresh fruit, and clear water.  Instead focus on yourself and your personal enjoyment.  Your kids love you no matter what and they’ll love you even more when you are dead far too early and you never know your grandchildren.

Take Up Smoking

Don’t listen to all those naysayers, millions of people smoke and they are just fine.  Besides smoking helps keep our medical-industrial-chemical-pharmaceutical overlords in business and money flowing through the economy.  Smoking adds to high blood pressure, lung cancer, throat cancer, and a boat load of other fun diseases to keep your doctor busy for years to come!   See?  Bad habits can be good for someone!

Never Try to Improve Anything

If it isn’t broken, don’t fix it.  Remember how the big rage was continuous improvement?  It was the idea that you should always be trying to improve yourself, your company, your product.  Why?  Why bother?  You just look like a go getter, a mover and shaker.  You don’t need that.  Let things be the same.  Don’t go back to school either and try to improve yourself.  Stay stagnant.

Never Complete Your “To Do List”

Lists are great demotivational tools!  You can look at how long it is and how many things you have failed to do…again….everyday….forever….  My worthless advice is to put that list up on your bathroom mirror so you can see every day how you aren’t accomplishing anything at all.

Well, I’m glad you managed to waste more of your time (and your employer’s time) by demotivating yourself by reading my post for today.  Now, share your witty comments and personal best demotivating tips below in my comment section.  Come one….you know you want to!  At least hit the “Like” button so I know you feel worse than when you started reading this.

Camping: Your Solution to Making Sure Your Kids Don’t Live With You Forever

Right now your children might be young and you think (hopefully to yourself) that they’ll accomplish anything they set their mind to.  Or maybe your kids are teenagers and your neighbor told you that their child didn’t blossom until they were 27 or 28 years old thus giving you a little piece of hope.  Or maybe your kid is 20, has dropped out of community college for the third time (in three attempts), lives in your basement, plays Black Ops all day, and will look for a job “tomorrow” (after he has his kill streak up to 70).

I hate to be the bearer of bad news but…the hard sad fact is that most likely your kids are losers and will be living in your basement for the rest of their lives.  Oh sure, they’ll move out for a year or maybe two, but they’ll be back…or will they?

Hmm, camping!

Let me introduce the concept of camping and how it can save you from having your children live with you forever.  Camping is where middle class people go out to the local state park and pretend to be homeless for a few days.  We like to cook our meals on a propane cook stove, wash our dishes in three bins, and use disposable paper plates (screw the environment).  We sleep on an air mattress and enjoy the light cotton sheets that cover us on a warm summer night.  We throw up a nice tarp and call it our outdoor living room/dining room/kitchen.

We set up a fairly well stocked kitchen, fill up some coolers with ice, and tell ourselves that camping is fun and easy.  Once we are out roughing it out in the wilderness of the State Park (with power hook ups, clean water, and a flush toilet a few steps away), we forget that we are camping.   We are on vacation and that we have time to be relaxing under the summer sun.

But will your loser children learn anything from your summer camping experiences?  Probably not.  They are too busy running around with their friends, sun block smeared across their faces, and rat nests for a hairstyle.  They’ll fling themselves into their summer sleeping bags (which are worthless during the other three seasons) and sleep a peaceful night’s sleep.

 This is one of those teachable moments you always hear about from other parents brag about but you never get to do because you are too busy yelling at your kids.

By taking your children camping, you are teaching them that camping is a possible housing solution in their near future.  The day will come when you will want to kick them out.  It might be a few weeks later or a few years later, but the day will come.

And this is a very good thing!  Once they reach the ripe old age of 18 or 30 and don’t plan to do anything with their lives, you can give them the ultimatum: do something or move out!  Heck, it’s your house and your parents didn’t give you a free ride to be a slacker, why should you treat your children any different?

With their summer camping experience under their belt, they will think that they are prepared for the real world.  Kick those leeches to the curb, have those children enjoy all four seasons that this great planet offers us (unless you live near the Equator or Australia or maybe South America). Allow your children the pleasure of sleeping in an igloo where the temperature is just above freezing and the drip drop of the melting snow roof falls on their thin, inadequate summer sleeping bag.  Then they can realize their boots are frozen because they forgot to keep them inside their sleeping bag. Now they have to push their wet socks inside their frozen boots.  Has the fun started yet?

Cooking under the open sky!

Imagine the joy your children can experience camping in the torrential downpour of a spring rainstorm.  Everything they own is soaked with the constant rain and there is no place dry in their tent site.  Nowhere to hang up the soggy towel to dry it out, everything they own is wet and damp.

And where do they plug in their Xbox and TV?  Grand Theft Auto V is going to play itself!  Do they run the power cord from the bathroom to their tent?  Oh, the problem solving they’ll have to do!

What about showers and personal hygiene?   No more 20 minute showers when you have to put in a $1 for a 3 minute shower at the state park.

Where will they wash and dry their clothes?  What happens when the sleeping bag gets a little stinky?

Either your children will quickly learn that this isn’t the lifestyle they want and will do anything to live back indoors OR they will decide that this lifestyle isn’t that bad and they like living in a tent for the rest of their life.  Either way, you’ll be taking the unknown part of your child’s future housing out of their destiny.

Add another “Win” for parenthood in your scoreboard for Parents!

 As always your witty comments are welcome!  Or just hit the like button below.

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