Kevin Hellriegel's Blog of Worthless Advice

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Tag Archives: imaginary stalker

National Hot Tub Day – March 28 – Worthless Tips to Make It Awesome!

sa-1807454_1920.jpgAh, March 28 is National Hot Tub Day according to some random website I stumbled upon when I was bored one evening (who says this internet isn’t helpful and only spreads “fake news”?).  Throw on your speedo, thong, or your bikini, play some Kenny G, and hit the hot tub because it is National Hot Tub Day!!

On a side tangent, I noticed that romance writers love hot tubs.  They write the hot tubs into their stories all the time.  Yes, I read romance novels.  In between rapid reading of my gun magazines, truck magazines, and muscle car magazines, resides my collection of romance novels.  Since I am a caring and sensitive guy (just ask my imaginary stalker Cyndi), you know that I am a great fan of romance novels.

But let’s get back to the focus of National Hot Tub Day and that is Hot Tubs.  Hot tubs are a wonderful way to soak away your problems and worries.  It’s like a vacation at your own home.  I like to make sure my hot tub is properly maintained.  Lucky for me, I don’t have sensitive skin, just sensitive feelings.  OK, we know I don’t have any feelings but we still want to have some nice hot tub water.martini-1117932_1920.jpg

Lately, we have had some cold and rainy weather.  After all, it is Seattle and we don’t get sunshine until July.  I’ve been feeling cold lately, so I love to enjoy the hot tub when it is chilly out.  My muscles and joint loosen up and I can just sit there and float.  For roughly 15 minutes, I can just relax.  I can pretend I’m at a ski resort or on the beach on the island of Kauai.

Tips for Successful Hot Tub Party Day:

  • What if you don’t have a hot tub? Find a friend or a neighbor that has one.  Then invite yourself over on National Hot Tub Day.  You owe it to them to honor this day!

  • Avoid Alcohol – Wait, what? Yes, we all know I enjoy a nice whiskey but alcohol and hot tubs aren’t a good mix.  Hot Tub water dilutes your cocktail too much.  The warm water in your hot tub can speed up the process of inebriation, and can increase your chances of a hangover

  • Avoid Falling Asleep in the Hot Tub – you should focusing on the soaking and relaxing of the hot water.  Enjoy this moment, save sleeping for your bed.

  • Have Music – What to play?  Some Depeche Mode? Some Kenny G? Some Lady Gaga remix?  The theme from the movie “Jaws”?  It’s up to you, but don’t keep that stereo or iPhone too close to the hot tub.  You don’t want your imaginary friends to knock it in.

  • Have Extra Towels Available – you know some goofball will forget his towel and then wander around your house looking for one.  That’s a good way to ruin your hardwood floors.  Have a stack of old towels ready for him.

  • Clean! – Keep the area around your hot tub clean.  Vacuum up all the lose dirt, dog hair, old fern leaves, and candy wrappers.  You don’t want to drag all that stuff into your hot tub.

  • Take A Shower – Encourage your guest to shower BEFORE they come over to hot tub.  The less body oils, old sweat, stripper dust, and daily dirt you have coming into the hot tub, the better!  It cuts down on chemical use.

  • Check the Chemical Levels – You should be doing daily or weekly check of the chemicals.  Use those water test strips.

Those are my awesome (or rather worthless) hot tub tips for National Hot Tub Day!  I know you won’t bother to play attention to them but at least pretend you read the whole blog post and give it a big “LIKE”.  Can you do that?  Thanks!

 

 

Let’s Kill the Leprechaun – Tips for a Successful St. Patrick’s Day!

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Yippee!  It is St. Patrick’s Day, the day second only to Halloween for a day where you can get drunk, dress in a bad costume, and act like a fool!  Well, to be clear….I usually make a fool out of myself on Valentine’s Day and National Hot Tub Day (why isn’t National Hot Tub Day a Federal Holiday yet?).  However, back to the point of this worthless advice blog…St. Patrick’s Day.  In the good old United States of America, we all become Irish on St. Patrick’s Day (March 17).

Lucky for you, I’m part Irish so I can offer my three blog readers and my imaginary stalker Cyndi (who wears sunglasses on the darkest, winter, overcast days) great advice on St. Patrick’s Day.

Tips to be the Best Fake Irish Person You Can Be:

  • Randomly yell “Kill the Leprechaun” when you are out at the bar, drinking with your non-Irish friends.  Wear a green wig…everyone likes people that wear wigs.
  • You can also yell “Kill the Leprechaun” at your child’s school.  Make sure you have singled out that redhead music teacher (no one likes her anyway).
  • Get a Redhead Spouse….just make sure she isn’t the music teacher you just made fun of.
  • Make EVERYTHING green…green…green!…make green pancakes…….make green beer…make green cats….

food-PANCAKESgreengreen-beer-2103313cat-GREEN

  • On St. Patrick’s Day, You should always talk in a stupid “Irish” accent….or a “Scottish” one or an “English” one….no one in America can really can tell the difference anyway.  Just say “Top of the Morning!” to everyone.
  • Wear cheap plastic shamrock necklaces.  Everyone likes it when the “Made In China” necklace breaks, and those stupid beads and shamrocks are all over the floor, making you slip and fall.
  • Wear your green throng underwear (I’m talking to you gentleman readers.  Ladies, you can wear whatever you like).  Heck, ladies you can even enter a St. Patrick’s Day bikini contest!  Nothing puts the “Saint” back into St. Patrick’s Day like a visit to a bar in a bikini!  Click on this link for a Bikini bar video!
  • Drink Irish whiskey…or wine…green beer…or whatever…it doesn’t matter…just be that annoying douche bag who drinks too much.  Kind of like how you are every other day of the year, annoying…and drunk…but really just annoying.
  • Oh, don’t forget to wear something green….like the lettuce you have stuck in your teeth.  Nothing like getting your vegetables and sadness all in one day.

But you know something that rocks on St. Patrick’s Day?  This Lego video!

And if you just need to mellow out…enjoy this video!

You wasted your St. Patrick’s Day reading this blog, but at least you helped me get my readership numbers up.  And be happy that I didn’t make this post into a history lesson.  Leave me a comment or a link to a funny cat video.  Please, and write in an Irish accent…

One more video…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Meet my friend Craig’s List

Since it is summer time, we have a few chores around my house that we need to finish up.  One is clearing out the “treasures” (worthless crap) we have accumulated over the years but have no good use for anymore.  Granted, at one time I thought I did need a huge pink “Hello Kitty” desk for my office to be a successful blogger, but now I know I don’t (mainly because I’m not a successful blogger).  Besides, my imaginary stalker Cyndi said she would gladly take it off my hands anytime I needed her to.

Unlike my worthless advice I offer to you my dear readers, some of these items are good, usable items.  And you know I really hate making the trip to the local garbage dump when I know a lot of my treasures could have a second life with someone else.  That’s when I turn to my friend Craig’s List.

Sure, some people are scared of Craig’s List (because who isn’t scared of meeting a stranger in a back alley for new flat screen TV?) but when you want to avoid making a trip to the garbage dump, Craig’s List can be your best friend.  Now that I don’t have a truck, it is hard for me to take large items to the garbage dump, donation center, or the recycling center.  Instead of me asking my friend to borrow his truck, I throw everything up on Craig’s List for free.

Today, I got rid of some really cool solar water heater panels.  They aren’t as bad as having a broken down wash machine in your front hard, but solar panels were nice but a wind storm had knocked them over and the glass was destroyed.  I had a few problems setting up the solar water heater system last year, then replacing the glass seemed expensive (4 ft x 8 ft sheets), and they didn’t fit into my “White Trash Theme” I have going on in the backyard, so I decided to get rid of them.  Now, I’m sure I could have sold them on Craig’s List but sometimes that is more of a hassle that the money I’d make out of the project.

This morning I posted the ad and within 30 minutes, two guys came and picked them up. As a bonus, they also picked up all my other free junk out in the driveway.  It was awesome.  I just saved myself about $50 in dump fees and a trip to the Bow Lake Transfer Station.

If you are worried about people coming to your house, you can also put your treasures on the corner of your neighborhood with a “free” sign on it.  I have a neighbor who is gone 11 months of the year so we usually put all the items in front of his house.  Plus, I have an awesome view of watching people gathering up my “treasures”.

That’s your worthless advice tip of the day!  Keep on getting rid of those treasures!

The Burden of Brains and Beauty (and Awesome Reviews from my Customers!)

There are a lot of things I am good at: Photography, sleeping, swimming, aikido, to name a few.  There are other things I’m OK at doing: building decks, mowing lawns, blogging, walking and chewing gum at the same time.  And then are things that I have never done but I get thrown into (and thus have to rise to the challenge).  A clear example: Running the cash register at my cousin’s husband’s Gyro Café Seattle near Group Health on Capitol Hill. 

Allow me to jog your memory about my truly awesome performance.  Back on February 4, 2014, I worked at Gyro Café Seattle for a whole two hours.  As an excellent blogger, I wrote about my cashier experience here on my blog of worthless advice.  Here is the link:

As in any endeavor I partake in, I rocked it.  It was a little hard at first.  However, that doesn’t mean that I didn’t rise to the top and become the best employee he has ever seen.  I even awarded myself the Employee of the Month Award on my first day on the job (click here). 

So imagine to my surprise when I received the other day, a text from my cousin Kim (who monitors the Yelp! Reviews ) about a review she had from the time I worked there.  Dear cousin Kim was reading through the Yelp reviews and came across one from the day I worked the cash register. Keep in mind, I was there for a mere two hours at the Café Gyro Seattle and that was way back in February 2014.  As you can see below, I got an excellent review…5 out of 5 stars.  (Which is really no surprise, right?)

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And I’m planning to milk this thing forever!  I put it on my Facebook and now on my blog.

Here’s my reviewer…I’m sure this isn’t her real photo but she has the potential to be become the future Mrs. Kevin Hellriegel Number 2 (or it just Cyndi my imaginary stalker).

To be honest, this reviewer is actually probably one of my friends (or cousins) playing a trick on me.  At least, this is my train of thought because it was created on the day my blog post went up.  Or is this actually Cyndi, my imaginary stalker writing it?  We had a few friends over for dinner yesterday and they thought for sure I wrote it.  It would have been a big coup on my part but I didn’t write it. 

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So after this wonderful review….what is the next thing I plan to do?  Uh, work there every Monday and be the sarcastic older hunk with the dreamy eyes for this reviewer (if this reviewer actually were a real person).  What else would I do?  Sometimes you have to give the (imaginary customers) public what they want.  I will do anything to boost sales.  I am going to be the eye candy for to help increase sales.  I can accept that burden for my dear family.

 I hope you see you all there on Mondays for a wonderful lunch.  What could be better besides some sarcastic quips AND awesome food???

 Thanks for reading.  Have a great weekend.

Tainted Love Tuesdays on LMN: How to Make Your Life Exciting!!

You just have to enjoy a good movie on Tuesday, especially when it is a Tainted Love Tuesday movie on Lifetime. Always a source of enjoyment for me because I love the craziness of the relationships that are portrayed on the storyline.

My life is very normal. Some would say “dull”. My friends complain I drive like an old man.

All these character traits make me prefect at giving awesome worthless advice. It helps me keep my worthless advice so real and true to the heart. I don’t have a spouse that wants to kill me for insurance money nor do I have a business partner that wants the business all for himself. My career choice is somewhat dull. I do have a vivid imagination which helps me from dying of boredom but otherwise I’m a fairly normal person.

I don’t have any dangerous hobbies that makes me exciting or interesting.

Yet, I offer a solid safe port of worthless advice for my four dear followers and my imaginary stalker Cyndi. I am the clear thinking person you can email or call and I’m there to get your head back in the right space. I make calmness appear from chaos.

I’m not a therapist and I can’t magically solve your problems. I’m no superhero. I just like to listen and hear your problems, ideas, thoughts, troubles and hopefully give you someone else to believe in.

Why “To Do Lists” make you a Failure and kill the Tooth Fairy at the Same Time!

Sunday is a wonderful day in which you wake up with high hopes to get a great deal of stuff done…but you don’t.  That “To Do” List you might have started Friday night (but you really didn’t get started until lunch on Saturday) is never going to get done.  Accept this fact and your life will be a lot easier.

As an unpublished motivational speaker with an imaginary stalker named Cyndi, I offer this wonderful Worthless Advice from my living room: Ditch the “To Do” List.

When you have a “To Do List”, you are setting yourself up for failure.  Do you want to be a failure?  Let’s be honest, you won’t accomplish anything on your list and that will make you feel like a loser, a failure, a worthless individual who can’t do anything.  Is that your idea of being a “winner”?

Let’s say you have ten items on your list.  So you get two done of ten and scratch them off.  Wow.  You finished two items…20% of your list done.  Is that worth bragging about?  You got 20% done.  If this was a math test, you’d have failed.  That’s the big “F”.  Wouldn’t that make your parents proud?  What about your kids?  They could brag….”My mommy (or daddy) finished two things for an “F”…yeah!!!”  Face it; that is a lesson your kids don’t need to learn (let them learn how much of a failure you are later in their lives).

Your kids will learn later on in life that you didn’t take them to Disneyland every year, you skipped half the teacher-parent conferences because you were too busy checking your Facebook status, and the pet bunny isn’t really living out with Uncle Simon on the farm in the country.  These items can safely be hidden from them.  You already killed the Tooth Fairy when your kid lost her tooth on a Saturday night, you went to bed, forgot to switch out her tooth for a dollar.  Then the next morning, you wake up in a panic, grab your wallet to discover you have only a $20 bill left.  So you slide your hand (palming the $20 bill) under her pillow and doing the switch….and she wakes up!

Now you have to explain that you were just “checking” to make sure the Tooth Fairy had stopped by.  She looks at you suspiciously, looks under the pillow to discover that nice $20 bill and her doubt is quickly forgotten.  However, then she thinks you were trying to heist her money and that opens a whole new can of worms.

Don’t be a failure.  Be a winner! Forget the “To Do List”.

Peculiar Podcast with Pat Cashman & Lisa Foster

Sorry about not blogging the past several weeks.  Work has been keeping me really busy and I just couldn’t bring me to write anything for the blog.  I know, I’m letting you and my imaginary stalker Cyndi down.

However, I have been inspired to write again.  I have to give thanks to one of my friends who casually mentioned “Mind your Manners with Billy Quan”.  This brought me back to my youth when I use to watch a local Seattle comedy show called “Almost Live”.  After a search of YouTube, I watched a number of old “Mind your Manners” clips, reliving some of youth.

Of course, one of my favorite actors on the “Almost Live” show was Pat Cashman.  Now I’m not expert on Pat Cashman, however I can pretend I’m one.  Pat Cashman had a great morning radio show that was cancelled due to a poor management decision at the radio station he was employed at.  At least that is my opinion (and we know I’m right 97.9 % of the time).  So I did a Google search and I found that Pat Cashman and Lisa Foster were now doing a podcast.  I was delighted beyond belief (well, again, you can believe it).  Their podcast is called Peculiar Podcast with Pat Cashman and Lisa Foster http://peculiarpodcast.com.

I’ve been going backwards from their newest podcast to their oldest podcast and I love them.  It reminds me of the radio show and I really enjoy the banter between Pat and Lisa.  I even took the step and emailed Lisa and Pat.  My email to them was witty and thoughtful (like my blog postings).  Lisa was immediately enthralled with my amazing sense of humor that is portrayed in my writing.  I was very pleased that Lisa took the time out of her busy schedule and wrote back to me.

As you can imagine, I’ve introduced their podcast to my cat Ms. Meow Meow and my imaginary stalker Cyndi.  Both have “liked” Pat and Lisa on their Facebook pages thanks to my recommendation.

I know you’ll enjoy their podcast as much as I do.  Click on over to their website, listen to some of their podcasts, email them and tell them to link their website to my blog.  Then email them again and tell them they should have me as a guest on their podcast.  Remember, Ms. Meow Meow and Cyndi (my imaginary stalker) have already taken to emailing them on a daily basis so your email to them would be a welcome relief from their daily emails.

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