Tag: Humor

Ugly Shirt…the secret plans of my Wife and Daugther

~ K ~ 7 Comments

Last Saturday, I took off my wonderful black University of Washington Husky hoodie and thus exposed that I was wearing a nice polo shirt. Sadly, I was informed by my wife, daughter, and my daughter’s friend that it was ugly. The shirt wasn’t nice at all; it was ugly.

Ugly? And they let me wear it all day long and didn’t bother to tell me until then?

Oh, you can’t imagine the embarrassment and shame than filled my soul with despair upon this cruel realization.

I do believe that my wife allows me (and probably secretly encourages me) to wear ugly and out of date clothes to make sure no hot babes check me out. That the hideous shirt is allowed to be wore by me (without a warning by my family) is clear proof my wife is purposely making me look like an unattractive dresser and fashion non-diva. I’m sure she is quite content to have me look a bit goofy. Well played dear wife, well played.

Ah, she is a clever one.

My daughter just likes me to look like a goof ball. I think it is her way of rebelling. I know she thinks to herself “That shirt is ugly and I should tell him to get rid of it. However, he did make me unload the dishwasher this morning so I won’t tell him to change it. He can suffer.”

There you have it. Clearly, I have no fashion sense. All of my clothes should probably be given away and I should buy a whole wardrobe!

Continue reading “Ugly Shirt…the secret plans of my Wife and Daugther” →

My Latest Addiction….

~ K ~ 2 Comments

Yes, I have a new addiction…well, I can’t say it is new but rather it has moved to a new level and taken a sidestep.

I love the smell of coconut.

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I found myself recently out of my manly “Extra Clean” scented body wash (I’m not quite sure what “extra clean” is really suppose to smell like but whatever it is, I like it). So while I was at the Fred Meyer store, I happened upon the soap and shampoo section. There, being the nice smelling gentleman I am, found myself at the coconut scented bottle section.

To be honest, this isn’t my first experience with coconut scented body wash. My daughter has some and I have used it. It just smells so good and makes me smell as fresh as a tropical vacation. If I could, I would use it all up for myself and never share it.

As I looked over the various bottles of coconut joy, I decided I needed to smell the scent each bottle had to offer. Honestly, I didn’t want to have an overpowering coconut scent (like a cheap cologne) or worse, have a bad coconut scent (like rotting coconuts) if I used a particular product. So naturally, I flipped open a few lids, waffed the sweet smell of coconut towards me, and enjoyed its heavenly tropical scent. Any reasonable person would have done the same, right?

As the enticing smell of coconut filled my head with visions of me on the beaches of Kauai, I noticed a lady watching me, then she started walking towards me, coming down the aisle towards me. Clearly, she was aware that I was enjoying the sweet smell of coconut a little too much in the store. Just like any good coconut addict, I hid what I was doing, did a quick sidestep, and made a path to the checkout with my coconut scented body wash. Luckily, I gave her the slip, made my purchase, and got the heck out of there.

Is it worth it? Is my latest coconut body wash worth it? According to my wife, cat, and my imaginary stalker Cyndi, yes, the coconut scented body wash is heaven in a bottle. Actually, I’m not sure my wife cares but I like to pretend my cat and my imaginary stalker Cyndi do care that I have a wonderful tropical scent now.

What is your latest addiction?

As always, your bottles of coconut scented body wash are welcome. Or you can just leave a witty comment below!

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Labor Day Weekend – Goodbye Summer and Hello 9 month of Gray Skies!

~ K ~ 1 Comment

As you can tell, Labor Day Weekend is bittersweet for me.  It marks the end of summer for both my children and me.  No more midweek sleepovers for my daughter, no more sleeping in late for my teenage son, no more weekend outdoor parties, no more me staying up late reading novels: it is all gone after this long three day weekend.  Gone like all my hopes and dreams.  Sadly, it is back to reality: We will hold hands, lift our chins high, and head back into the regular schedule of school life.  We will forget all the fun of summer and instead welcome the cool embrace of autumn.

 To be clear, the regular schedule of school life has already started.  The kids went back to school this past Thursday.  I still don’t know why our school district thinks it is a smart idea to go to school for two days, then have the Labor Day.  Do the kids learn anything for the first two days? 

 I even cracked the door to my office, sat at my desk, and did some work as well.  The cat took her usual stop and sat by my keyboard.  Yes, everything is back to the normal school life schedule of our family.

 Fondly, I look back at summer and wonder where the time went.  It seemed like yesterday I was on the steps on the Lincoln Memorial in Washington D.C., taking photographs, and enjoy the sunshine.  Please, take a moment and shed a tear.

 Now, all I have to look forward to is the upcoming schedule of work and nine months of gray skies.  My friends (that live in states that see the sun) always ask: “How can you live in Seattle with all the gray skies and rain?  Don’t you want to kill yourself?”

 Anyone from Seattle has the same answer: “Well, the summers are really nice.”

That’s it.  That is the only good answer.

Well, maybe there is a little more to it than that.  We have mild winters with no real crazy bad snow storms.  We don’t have a huge bug problem like other places.  When it is sunny, it is beautiful around here.  On a clear day, we can even see Mt. Rainier while we are stuck in traffic on southbound Interstate 5.

Side Note: Traffic around here sucks.  It doesn’t matter if it is a rainy day or a nice clear sunny day; some nitwit will crash into another person and cause a 9 mile back up on the interstate.  Nothing says Seattle rocks like crawling along an interstate highway in the rain.

Good bye summer, I’ll miss you!

 As always, I need your comments to make my existence worthwhile.  What are you going to miss most about summer?  Do you have any plans for Labor Day?

Oh Man, Where are the Followers and What Do They Read?

~ K ~ 4 Comments

The other day I was reading a blog posting about how one of the bloggers I follow on WordPress just got his 11,000th follower on his blog.  In July 2013, he only had 6,000.  He wrote a brief “success” blog about how and what he did to reach 11,000 followers.

I am a bit jealous of his success. In his humble opinion, he isn’t the world’s best writer or blogger. His blog is so poorly written it is hard to read and gives me a headache.  I want to take my red ink pen out and correct it like a murderer/slasher on a 1990’s flick.  A lot of his problems are due to the run on sentences, bad sentence structure, and terrible grammar.

Yet, he has some great stories and 11,000 followers so I can pretty much suck it, right?  I have measly 400 or 500 followers so I really can’t say how to build up a huge following, can I?  Of course, my blog is built on Worthless Advice so maybe I’m killing myself and my blog?  He spins his tales like a drunken sailor (his description of himself) and people love it.  Imagine what he could do with a ghost writer living on Kauai?

What is the secret to his success?  He uses a bunch of tags that the magic internet search engine spiders love and brings in his type of readers (followers).  Even if his blog post has nothing to do with those tags, he still uses the same tags and categories over and over again.  Now, I’m not sure he is making money online but he has written a book and has self published it.

Oh, and a lot of his terms are about sex, crime, and drugs.  His life experiences are downright scary.  So we do know what the general public is looking for, don’t we?  And I don’t have anything against others blogging and writing exactly what they want to write.  I admire anyone willing to throw themselves out there and open themselves and their writing up for the world to see.

Your thoughts and comments?

The 10 Best Bad Parenting Tips!

~ K ~ Leave a comment

It is so easy to dispense great parenting advice when you are an awesome parent like me.  However, it is a harder to teach others how to be bad parents.  Frankly, most people don’t listen to my great advice.  Keep in mind: parenting is a lifetime commitment that haunts you for the rest of your life.  Unless your kids turn out to be awesome and without any character flaws, you will most likely have them in your life forever.

That means that with some bad parenting, you can enjoy the journey of parenting  It’s not the destination; it’s the journey that is so darn fun!

10. Don’t Follow Through on Anything!

You don’t want your kids to think you (or anyone else) are reliable.  Empty promises are a surefire way to make your kids understand that the world is an unreliable place.  This gives them a head’s up that when the cable company says that they will be there in morning; that really means you’ll be lucky if they show up by 8 pm that evening.  Sure, take a whole day off from work and enjoy a wasted day waiting for your imaginary cable guy.  At least you can catch up on your Dr. Phil episodes.

9. Don’t Set Limits

Limits are for parents that want to shelter their kids from the pains of failure.  Your kids should be allowed to know that if they screw up; well it isn’t your fault.  How are they going to learn if you limit their creativity?  And if you set limits you might have to enforce these limits.  Jeez, that just makes more work for you.  You are a busy parent; you don’t need extra work on top of your yoga and latte schedule; that is just ridiculous.

8. Don’t be Flexible on Anything!

Sometimes you have to be flexible to be a good parent…nah, I’m kidding.  Never budge on anything.  If you give in on anything or if you are flexible on anything…well, you might as well give up your kids to foster care.  If plans change; too bad! So what if your kid is getting an Outstanding Student of the Quarter Award.  If it is during your favorite TV show; be firm on your schedule and don’t go.  It’s not like you’ll be able to see that show later!

7. Don’t Give in to Being a Good Parent

You’ll get a lot of pressure from your family and friends to be a good parent.  They’ll offer advice (most of it worthless advice) about how you need to “step up your game as a parent”.  Sure, their kids are doctors, lawyers, and other productive members of society…but what does that really prove?  If you are a father, you are even more important to a child’s life.  However, that isn’t going to stop you from hanging out at the football field reliving the glory years and drinking beer behind the bleachers.

6. Make Sure Your Kids Know Who is Boss!

Kids these days run all over their parents.  They are bossy and disrespectful.  You should tell them right off the bat that you are “The Boss”.  As soon as your wife/girlfriend is pregnant you should be telling your unborn child that you are the boss.  Whisper to them that they need to change their diapers at three months old you won’t be taking care of them forever.  You aren’t raising slackers!

5. Use Fear and Intimidation

If it works for 3rd World Dictators; it will work for you too!  If that kid of yours didn’t bother listen to you in the womb, now is the time to introduce fear and intimidate to their plate of feelings.  Allow them to taste how it will be like later in life when they meet the neighborhood bully.  You yelling and scaring him prepares him for what it will be like at school when the really bullies push him down and take his lunch money.

4. Never Be a Friend to Your Kid

If you are a friend to your kid, you make him a loser.  How is he going to make any friends if his parents are nice to him?  Instead, make sure to be mean and cruel.  This will allow him to have something in common with his peers.  He needs a good bonding point.  Nothing makes kids bond together faster than when they can whine about how “unfair” their parents are.  Usually this bonding occurs as they update their Facebook status on the Smartphone their parents gave them.

3. Always Comparing and Criticize

You know what made America great?  It is our ability to whine and complain about how our siblings were treated better than us.  If you don’t compare and criticize your kids, how are you going to make them competitive players in today’s business world?  Are they going to know that only the favorite child is going to win?  Sure, some of the experts out there want you to think that criticizing and public shaming leads to depression and low self esteem.  But we know what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, right?

2. Don’t Do Anything for your Kids

Do you want your kids to be crybabies?  Are you going to wipe their noses in high school?  Are you going to do their federal income taxes when they are 29 years old?  You think I might be a bit extreme.  But if you help them tie their shoes, you might as well do their do their taxes.  Oh, could you let them live in your basement until they are 40 years old too?  Thanks!  Seriously, let them learn early that having a home cooked meal by your Mom is so phony.  Point to the cupboard and the fridge and say: Have at It!

1. Don’t Pay Attention to Them

Let your nanny or daycare provider shower your kids with love; that is what you pay them for.  Really, have you seen the rates they charge?  They should be paying you for allowing them the opportunity to care for your child and experience the miracle of childcare.  If you pay attention to your kids you are making them think that they will always deserve your attention.  Well, they don’t.  If you pay attention to them, they will think everyone will pay attention to them.  That’s just plain crazy talk.  You want your kids to feel like no one cares; that everyone is just mean and cruel, just like you!

By now, you should have learned that being a parent is hard to do.  Stop trying so hard.  You can’t make water run uphill and you can’t be a good parent overnight.  So don’t even try.  If you have some worthless advice or comments you’d like to share, please leave them below.  They can’t be any worse than my worthless parenting advice.

I’m so famous people write songs about me!

~ K ~ Leave a comment

Yes, it is a wonderful feeling to know that my hard work as an upstanding pillar of society has inspired someone to write a song about me!

Ugly Pink Shirts

~ K ~ Leave a comment

The one thing I really like about the website Photobucket.com is you can search for random terms and find a bunch of photos totally unrelated to the term you were looking at.  These results can be very entertaining.  Most photos on the website are just family snapshots, not professionally quality.  That is perfectly ok.   People are creating wonderful memories and saving these images for themselves, their friends, and people like me!

Since they don’t change their privacy settings, their images are there for public viewing.  This is a wonderful opportunity for people like me, that stumble upon their Kauai vacation photos, their cat photos, and gives me the  inspiration to create a blog entry out of their photos.  God (and my imaginary stalker Cyndi) only knows how many people see my photos of my cat Meesha and I on Facebook.  One minute you send a simple photo message to your wife and then it ends up on Facebook.

Since I am fairly boring, I dress in muted plain colors for my job as a school photographer.  Please see my entry “Busy As a Bee”  for my “Dad Uniform”.  I can’t say the say that I wear flashy colors in my photos.  One color I refuse to wear is pink.  It doesn’t look good on me.  My cheeks always are a little read and a pink shirt just looks bad on me.  I’d look like I was about to have a heart attack  if I worn pink with my red cheeks.

Getting back to bad photos, Photobucket, pink shirts, and lack of privacy settings allows us to see people’s photo albums and a father wearing an ugly pink shirt.

Maybe these guys can pull it off, however, I know I can’t wear the ugly pink shirt.  I accept that.  I’ll leave the pink shirt to other fathers.

On a side note…If these guys think it is dangerous enough to wear rubber gloves, whole body safety suits, and oxygen masks then why in the world would you be standing there in just your pink shirt and white summer retiree shorts?  These guys are wearing hazmat suits and oxygen masks for some reason.  Don’t you think that perhaps you should get out of there? I certainly wouldn’t be standing around with my white shorts and pink shirt with a stupid grin on my face.

Secret Confession

~ K ~ 2 Comments

I like mindless action movies like every other guy.  The fists of fury, the explosions, the car crashes, the scantily clad woman actresses, and the endless corny jokes.  It’s all good stuff.

However, I have a secret…I enjoy the trashy drama movies on the LMN (Lifetime Network).  Only you and my imaginary stalker Cyndi now know.  Why would I like this stuff?  It’s a train wreck in every movie.  Lots of betrayal, murder, cheating, insecure relationships, drinking, poor judgment, stalking, death.  And that’s the first half hour of any Lifetime movie!

My biggest excitement is when the cheater’s lover ends up dead!  I know it’s coming and I can’t wait.  Sure, it is predictable (it’s a movie) but it is so fun to watch.

Basically, the moral of any Lifetime movie is….well, there is no moral.  Someone will end up dead and the killer is either a) spouse b) close friend c) stranger (oh big surprise) or d) the photographer.

Yes, every time a photographer is in the movie, he’s the killer.  That is a know movie law that is true like the law of gravity.  Oh, there is a photographer in the movie?  Yup, he is the psycho/killer/stalker.

Getting back to the moral of the story: don’t cheat.  You or your lover will end up dead usually killed by the photographer you hired to photograph your cat Mr. Mittens flocking in the daisies.  A bit of a bummer, isn’t it?

 

Pajamas in Public…Just Say No!

~ K ~ Leave a comment

  I recently wrote about my travels to Kauai and how I disliked the airline system now.  Upon talking with my friend today, he mentioned that I had totally forgotten to mention how much I hate passengers who wear their pajamas while traveling.  Mind you, it isn’t just airline travel I see this trend happening in.  I also notice it in the grocery stores, at gas stations, and even at my kids’ school (most often parents being the offenders of good taste).

  It floors me to see grown ups wearing Hello Kitty pajamas at 3:20 pm in the afternoon.  For example, I was walking my daughter home with her friends and two adults were putting something in their car wearing their pajama bottoms like khaki slacks.  It is 3:20 in the afternoon and I have to see your Hello Kitty pajamas?  How old are you? Three years old?

  Getting back to the air travel pajama problem, I really don’t think that as an adult I need to see your pajamas.  The only acceptable people that are allowed to wear pajamas on an airline flight are children under the age of 5.  If the kids are in Kindergarten, I’ll cut them some slack.  However, first grade and above, you need to put on your “big boy” pants and act respectful.  Heck, the next thing we’ll see is teenagers wearing diapers and pooping their pants on a cross country flight.  How would you like to sit next to that mess on a five hour flight?

  So grown up and stop wearing your pajamas around like they are a pair of jeans.  Society made sweatpants so you could wear pajama style clothes in public.  Sweatpants are marginal more acceptable to wear in public.  You really should wear sweatpants when you are working out at the gym or jogging in the park.

Places I don’t want to see you wearing your pajamas:

At my kids’ school

Grocery stores

Gas stations

Post Office

Shopping malls

7-11

Liquor stores

Pizza parlors (really any kind of restaurants)

  Again: Grow up, wear some jeans, some khaki slacks, or even a kilt or skirt.  Leave the pajamas at home so I can keep my lunch down.  Just give me one day where I don’t get grossed out by your lack of compassion to my sensitive stomach.

 

 

When should you kill Christmas?

~ K ~ 2 Comments

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Ok, it is January 18, 2012 and I really think it is time for the Christmas decorations to be put away.  As I wander around my neighborhood, I notice a few string of lights on houses.  Maybe that is OK because the weather is a bit dicey and it is hard to take them down.  Sure, they have squandered away the numerous good weather days when they should have taken them down.

However, I just can’t excuse the Christmas tree in the living room.  Really?  Christmas is over, New Year’s Eve has come and gone, and we even had Martin Luther King Jr. celebrations at school and you still have your Christmas tree up?  Did the weather hamper your ability to take the ornaments off the tree?  Did the rain keep you from untangling the string of lights from the branches?  The tree is inside.  There isn’t any bad weather to keep you from taking the tree down.  You just have to let Christmas go…it’s dead.