With Spring officially here, it’s time to tidy up the yard after winter. So for the past several weeks, I’ve cut down a cherry tree, trim back my huge rhododendrons, and hacked back my bamboo hedge. Needless to say, I’ve filled my green waster bin, my neighbor’s green waste bin, and about four extra garbage cans full of yard debris.
We still need to do a few more yard tasks. In the next few weeks, we need to clean out the pool, mow my lawn (I’ll ask my son Hayden to do that and it will take probably three weeks of nagging for him to do it), and do some weeding.
As I’m out in my yard working…you can enjoy a mint and my misery.
Well, I have no helpful writing tips for you and your upcoming bestselling novel. This is my worthless advice blog, remember? If you want some helpful tips, you might as well just click over to someone who is helpful like: Jenna Morcci. She’s an author/writer/blogger I stumbled upon, while I was watching YouTube. Before you judge me, my YouTube viewing is called “research.” While I was “researching” something…. (Truth be told, you know I was wasting time with Mr. Whiskers by my side, trying to figure out something on YouTube when Jenna Morcci’s writing videos came into my feed).
Let’s get to the point….She is hilarious! Well crafted videos that are a bit sarcastic, but helpful on writing. She’s informative, delightful, and has some great writing points. Hmm, she could be more helpful than my worthless advice blog and that could be dangerous. Perhaps, she could be my arch enemy? Nah, that would involve me thinking too much of plot lines, character development, and how to write more than two sentences together and thus make something worthwhile. One of my favorite videos is at the end of this post.
To combat her cleverness, I probably should throw together a witty list of “How to Write a Novel” tips. Here goes my worthless advice tips list that won’t help you at all:
- Write in a Safe Space. Yes, go to your safe space. This could be an extra room in your house, under the stairs, the local coffee shop, or the pub down the street (see item #2).
- Consume large quantities of alcohol. All the great, successful writer were drunks. Why should you be any different? Drink up! You could even have a signature drink!
- Play music appropriate to your writing style. Feeling romantic? Play some love songs. Your story takes place at an all night rave? Throw on some EMD trance music.
- Read. Heck, you can’t write if you don’t read. Read your genre or just read the classics. Just don’t sit around and do nothing. Pick up that Kindle and read!
- Soak in a Hot Tub – this is a wonderful way to relax, brainstorm, and not write. You are in a hot tub, how could you write anything down?
- Surf the internet. Remember I said not to sit around and do nothing? Well, start surfing that internet and enjoy learning about how to snowboard in New Zealand. It won’t help you write but you might end up with a great storyline, a blog post, or a new place to visit.
- Watch YouTube videos. This is an awesome way to learn a new skill…how to change out a wheel bearing, how to paint your house, how to waste time watching You Tube videos about how to be successful. It’s always just a big circle; watch a video and never write that next great American novel.
- Play with your cat! What can you distract you more than your cat? So cute, so cuddling. It makes you want to watch cute cat videos on YouTube! Am I right? You know I am.
- Chat with your Imaginary Stalker Cyndi -You know you haven’t been paying enough attention to Cyndi and she doesn’t like that. She will get you back….and she is your #1 fan!
Luckily, I know none of these tips will help you to become a better writer. I know they won’t help you doing anything that moves you along to becoming successful, or happy, or the pride of your family.
Here’s a link to Jenna’s videos. If you like a snarky attitude, you like to write, and you think I might actually have some good advice for you, just click on her video! I don’t get paid to say how much I enjoy her videos, but she is pretty funny. She should at least take me out to dinner for all of the web traffic my blog will be sending her…. No, I’m not in love with her…. (my wife will roll her eyes when she reads this part…). Until Jenna comments on my blog….I bid you a fond farewell.
Since my blog (Kevin’s Blog of Worthless Advice) skyrocketed to Number 9 under the search of “worthless advice” in Google, I thought I’d better check the term “Kevin Hellriegel”. Just to be fair to myself and my imaginary stalker Cyndi, everyone and their cat Mr. Mittens “Googles” themselves to see what pops up under their name and how bad the results are. I luckily come up with good results because I’m really just totally awesome.
Well most of it is good except for the fact instead of my photography business coming up as Number 1, my sarcastic blog of worthless advice comes up as Number 1.
That could be a problem because I can be a bit of a rude sarcastic writer on my blog. I wouldn’t want someone to think ill of me. Who am I kidding? People think ill of each other all the time. They just like to pretend they aren’t mean.
My worthless advice for today: To get to a Number 1 Google rank is to narrow your search to be super specific. Unless your name is “Joe Smith” and you live in a cave without any internet presence, you should appear on Google’s ranking fairly high. When you search “Kevin Hellriegel”, I come up as Number 1. See, isn’t that some awesome worthless advice? I bet you wished I could come in and doing some marketing for your worthless brand, don’t you?
How I got my Blog to Number 9 on Google!
Yes, I’m ripping a hole into the world of Internet Marketing with my amazing ascent into the Number 9 ranking on Google!
Sure, it’s tough to get to the top of the page listings but someone I managed to do it. With the billions and billions of web pages out there, you must be wondering how I did this!
It is really quite simple, a secret that bring the SEO marketing gurus to their knees.
You just have to make your search term so simple that it is the first one that pops up! In my case, it is “worthless advice”. Yup, that’s the term “worthless advice”. Sure, it probably gets barely any searches (I mean who wants “worthless advice”?) but it is still ranked Number 9.
Now, to be fare, I haven’t even shown up on the first page of Bing or Yahoo! I feel sad about that. However, by taking my own “worthless advice” I’m sure I’ll crack their code too and quickly jump to the top of their rankings as well!
I always Google myself because I love being number one! Let’s face the facts, my name is unique and so it very easy to be number one. That itself is a problem because I do have a hard last name (hard to spell, not hard to remember…just think of “hell” where you don’t want to go and “regal” and you got it). If you don’t remember exactly how to spell it or what profession I’m in (I’m in so many, it’s hard to keep track).
I’m a photographer…a real estate investor…now a writer… blogger.
A new hobby I’ve taken up is aikido. It is a non aggressive martial art so it suits me just fine. I’m not an aggressive person and subscribe to the the school of thought of staying out of harm’s way. A very good book called “the Gift of Fear”