Kevin Hellriegel's Blog of Worthless Advice

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Warning: Terrible Valentine’s Day Ideas for that Special Women in your Life

Since you are reading this blog post, I’m assuming you have that special woman in your life.  It might be a girlfriend or a wife (hopefully, not your mother…ew) and you are desperate for a great Valentine’s Day gift, so you decided to visit my blog.  How easily you have been fooled into thinking that was a good idea.  You poor misguided soul….valentines-day-1182250_1920

If you really want to find a great gift, I’d suggest reading another blog that might actually be helpful.  Perhaps one without the title of “worthless advice” in it?  However, if you must continue to read, we should dive into a few things that will help you find a decent enough Valentine’s Day gift.  I’m not promising that this is the prefect gift; I’m merely saying that these gifts might save you from a night sleeping on the couch on Valentine’s Day.

First, I’d suggest aiming for a gift that aligns with your significant other’s lifestyle.  If she likes to run, give her some new running shorts.  She likes to cook, perhaps a nice crock pot would be a helpful addition to her kitchen.  On the flip side, if she hates cats, don’t buy her a kitten.  (I’m honestly hoping you aren’t that much of a moron to buy her a cat….)

You’ll actually have to brainstorm and come up with some ideas of what she likes to do.  I can’t possibly save your sorry ass all the time.  Come on, man…think about her hobbies?  She doesn’t have any?  Nothing at all?  Then you are doomed.

But wait, we can salvage this holiday (created by the evil greeting card companies, candy companies, and of course, the florist industry) for you to look like you know her.

  1.  Does she like to travel?  Buy her a new set of luggage…then take her on a trip to see your overbearing mother.  Did you remember to call your mom?  You didn’t, did you?
  2. She eats, right?  Then buy her a gift certificate to her favorite restaurant.  Just make sure it is some place you’ll enjoy as well.  You have to eat too, am I right?
  3. Alcohol – it’s easy and you know she likes to drink.  Skip your cheap beer and get her something she likes.  Spruge on that good bottle of Washington state wine.
  4. A Mason Jar of Flavors – grab that old Mason jar out of the recycling bin, write down some “favors/chore coupons”, and you are in business.  You can put down a coupon for a bad back rub, a free car wash, a night of bowling, you’ll empty the dishwasher, etc.  Just stack the coupons to make sure it is stuff you can handle.  Skip the “I’ll wax your moustache” coupon.  It won’t end well.
  5. Does she read? Easy gift time…Kindle.  Or even a nice, old fashion book with pages that turn.
  6. Candles – this is an easy way to burn your home down.  May I suggest you Go with those fake, battery operated candles?  Save yourself the visit from the local, good looking firefighters.  You don’t need that competition.
  7. Perfume – go and order some of her favorite perfume right now.  None of that cheap stuff.  Get the stuff you both like.
  8. Skin Care – You can’t go wrong with that anti-aging wrinkle cream.  Nothing like tellling your signficant other “Hey, you are getting old, here’s some greasy cream that hopefully helps reverse the ravishes of time.”  Oh, sure that seems like a wonderful idea.

I wish you the best of luck this Valentine’s Day.  You’ll certainly need it after reading this blog.  But it’s not too late…you still have time to find a good blog that will help you.  Quickly, exit out of this worthless advice blog.  Find somewhere that will help you find the 7 Best Valentine’s Day Gift Ideas.

You know what would make my Valentine’s Day?  You “liking” my post below.  That’ right, push the “Like” button.

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Images from www.pixabay.com

 

 

Thank You Idiot Parent Dropping off Your Kid at school today; you make my day even more miserable than it already is.

Parent drop offThe last day of school was last Friday and it was the last time I dropped off my spoiled little princess for the school year.  Sure, we should make her walk the half mile to school but we don’t.  We would much rather subject ourselves to the misery of the Student Drop Off Line in the morning.  You would think that after 180 days of dropping off their kids, more parents wouldn’t be complete idiots when it comes to dropping off their kids in front of the school.

Seriously, they have had 180 drop offs.  Can’t they figure this out by now?  But every morning when I drop off my princess, some moron in front of me stops short and plugs up the whole system.  It really isn’t that difficult to figure out that you drive all the way to the end of the semi-circle driveway and then drop off your kid.  You don’t stop at the beginning and let them out.  When you drop them off at the beginning, it stops the whole flow.

See all the free space in front of you?  Use your common sense and move up.  See all the cars behind you WAITING for you to move?   That’s because we aren’t morons and can see that there are other parents that are dropping off their kids too.  We know that we need to move as far up as possible so that the whole system works.  You, on the other hand, are a complete moron who thinks of no one but themselves.

I bet you hate puppies and snowflakes too.

Maybe next year, you can figure out this incredibly easy drop off system.  Until school starts up again in the fall, I bid you a fond farewell.

Kevin the Dream Killer

If you have a dream, a fantasy, a misguided belief in yourself (or others), then welcome to the demise of those dreams.  Allow me to kill those dreams, those dreams that you hold so precious in your heart; the ones you keep only to yourself because you know others will laugh at you.

We all have them….a dream of becoming a famous writer, an actor, a movie star.  To own a big yacht, a private tropical island, and eat whatever we want.

The truth is that most of us won’t live our dreams….boo hoo.  Isn’t that sad?  What about all those self help gurus talking about “if you can visualize it, you can do it!”?

They lied to you.  I’m not here to lie to you….I’m merely here to kill your dreams.  Is it really a dream or a self damaging fantasy you cling to as an excuse for your own shortcomings?

Let’s be realistic, shall we?  You are at your present stage in your life because of the choices you made.  You might not have wanted to be working in your career path but you are.  You thought you would have written a great novel by now but you haven’t.  You wish you were a multimillionaire but you aren’t.  Are these things you can change?

Sure, you could change them…but you won’t.  Instead you’ll complain how you don’t have enough time in the day to get your work done, you need to do this or that, you weren’t lucky in life, your family was poor, your parents didn’t love you, and your cat moved to the neighbor’s house.

You don’t need me to kill your dreams.  You have already done it yourself.  You have chosen to visualize your life exactly where it is at.  It is your destiny.  I don’t have to kill your dreams; you’ve done it already.  But to be fair, I’d love to kill them.  I’d love to throw them under the bus of life and watch the wheels crush them.  I’d love to see the horror of the people on the sidewalk see your dreams being crushed under those huge uncaring bus tires.

Where would you be when your dreams are dying?  You are one of the many passengers on the bus going along on a bus ride you don’t like.  You are sitting there calmly, looking at your IPod, listening to some song (that has nothing to do with your future) and wondering to yourself, why the bus has stopped?

The bus has stopped because you allowed Kevin to kill your dreams!  But did I really kill them?  Or did I merely point out to you that your dreams are dead underneath the bus’ tires?

Am I the cause of your failures?  The cause of the death of your dreams?  Can you honestly blame a blogger in another part of the world for killing your dreams?

So send over your dreams and I’ll kill them for you.  You can then blame your life on all the worthless advice I’ve given you over the past several years.  You know you’ll feel better when you come to terms with the death of your dreams.  And one day you’ll thank Kevin the Dream Killer and all his worthless advice.

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