No One Takes My Advice….and For Good Reason!

~ K ~ Leave a comment

I noticed that a lot of people don’t heed advice when it is offered to them.  Clearly, my Blog of Worthless Advice would be much more successful if people would really look at themselves and see what terrible mental shape they are in.  It is quite sad that people don’t following their passion and becoming better people.

In my quest to offer the best worthless advice available, I am constantly reading advice columns, advice blogs, and interest resources like The Onion.

However, Cyndi (my imaginary stalker) and my Mom (my other reader) know that my Worthless Advice Blog is merely a creative outlet for my weird sense of humor.  Sadly, some of the articles and blogs I read actually think that their blogs offer helpful advice.  My 10 year old daughter offers better advice.

I saw one article entitled “Bad Parenting? Parents Should Avoid Bad Parenting Mistakes.”  Really?  You think parents should avoid bad parenting mistakes?  You don’t think I should embrace them and strive to be a bad parent?  I get most of my parenting advice from http://www.reallybadparentingadvice.com/.

In my heart, I know that others could be greatly helped by reading my blog.  The world is in sad shape, you losers really need to be saved from your stupid lives.  With unemployment at 8.2% in Washington State in October 2012, you think more people would be searching for Worthless Advice to better their lives (and find a job!).  On a brighter note, Washington State unemployment dropped from 8.5% in September 2012.

See how I’m improving your life already?  I offer my extremely correct opinion mixed in with a few useful facts to help increase your knowledge about unemployment in Washington State.

The $85.99 Chili Cheese Fries

~ K ~ 1 Comment

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The $85.99 Chili Cheese Fries.

Last night due to poor time management skills, I spent $85.99 on Chili Cheese Fries.  Allow me to share in my stupidity, yet educate you on a few things about allowing yourself time to travel somewhere, parking, and how long it takes to get your food order.

About six months ago, my wife was inspired by her friend Teri on the ways to celebrate one’s big 40th birthday.

Teri decided to do something special every month for her husband’s upcoming 40th birthday.  One month, it was a trip to the Crystal Mountain for a dinner, another month was a trip to Victoria B.C., etc.

Well, it is too late for us to celebrate our 40th birthdays, however, we can celebrate 20 years being together as a couple.  We have a few fun events planned like small short overnight trips to Portland, Oregon, a musical here and there, a family event, etc.  For example, last month, we saw “Wicked” and this month we were going to see a play at the University of Washington’s Drama Department’s Meany Studio Theater.

Fast forward to last night, where we left in plenty of time to arrive at the show but not enough time to sit down at a restaurant and have dinner.  We parked the car but I was lazy and didn’t get a parking sticker.  Heck, we were going to be there for 20 minutes and I didn’t see the City of Seattle’s parking permit kiosk (around the corner, nowhere close to where we parked).  That was a $44 parking ticket, our chili cheese fries were $5.99, and then we managed to miss the beginning of the play (no late seating) so there goes $36 for tickets.  I could throw in the cost of fuel if I wanted to pour more salt into the wound.

I know better.  As my friend Dan says “It seemed like a good idea at the time!”.  That is the whole problem with the $85.99 Chili Cheese Fries adventure.  My laziness and poor planning made a $5.99 food item into a $49.99 item and then into an $85.99 item.

Today I’m hoping to buy a pack of gum $1.59 into $96 item.  Wish me luck!

Why “To Do Lists” make you a Failure and kill the Tooth Fairy at the Same Time!

~ K ~ Leave a comment

Sunday is a wonderful day in which you wake up with high hopes to get a great deal of stuff done…but you don’t.  That “To Do” List you might have started Friday night (but you really didn’t get started until lunch on Saturday) is never going to get done.  Accept this fact and your life will be a lot easier.

As an unpublished motivational speaker with an imaginary stalker named Cyndi, I offer this wonderful Worthless Advice from my living room: Ditch the “To Do” List.

When you have a “To Do List”, you are setting yourself up for failure.  Do you want to be a failure?  Let’s be honest, you won’t accomplish anything on your list and that will make you feel like a loser, a failure, a worthless individual who can’t do anything.  Is that your idea of being a “winner”?

Let’s say you have ten items on your list.  So you get two done of ten and scratch them off.  Wow.  You finished two items…20% of your list done.  Is that worth bragging about?  You got 20% done.  If this was a math test, you’d have failed.  That’s the big “F”.  Wouldn’t that make your parents proud?  What about your kids?  They could brag….”My mommy (or daddy) finished two things for an “F”…yeah!!!”  Face it; that is a lesson your kids don’t need to learn (let them learn how much of a failure you are later in their lives).

Your kids will learn later on in life that you didn’t take them to Disneyland every year, you skipped half the teacher-parent conferences because you were too busy checking your Facebook status, and the pet bunny isn’t really living out with Uncle Simon on the farm in the country.  These items can safely be hidden from them.  You already killed the Tooth Fairy when your kid lost her tooth on a Saturday night, you went to bed, forgot to switch out her tooth for a dollar.  Then the next morning, you wake up in a panic, grab your wallet to discover you have only a $20 bill left.  So you slide your hand (palming the $20 bill) under her pillow and doing the switch….and she wakes up!

Now you have to explain that you were just “checking” to make sure the Tooth Fairy had stopped by.  She looks at you suspiciously, looks under the pillow to discover that nice $20 bill and her doubt is quickly forgotten.  However, then she thinks you were trying to heist her money and that opens a whole new can of worms.

Don’t be a failure.  Be a winner! Forget the “To Do List”.

80s Dance Attack 2012 in Portland, Oregon

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Last night, my wife and I attended the 80’s Dance Attack at the Crystal Ballroom in Portland, Oregon and had a fantastic time.  If you enjoy dancing to the music of the 1980s, then I think you’d really enjoy this event.  VJ Kittyrox does an outstanding job spinning the tunes and the Crystal Ballroom is an awesome venue in which to host this event.

Being from the Seattle area, I was a little hesitating in my desire to make the drive down to Portland for a Halloween party.  However, my wife encouraged me to consider this a getaway from the kids for the weekend and to enjoy our time away.  I agree with her in this observation and glad we made the trip.

We stayed at McMenamin’s Crystal Hotel  and found it to be a delightful hotel.  The staff was helpful, friendly, and courteous.  Our room was clean and the bathrooms just as clean.  It is a European style hotel (however they do have bedrooms with private baths if you like).

We managed to enjoy happy hour at Zeus’ Café and the food was excellent.  We dined on mozzarella, fresh tomatoes, & basil pizza, Chickpea Plank Fries, and a Zeus’ Piedmontese Burger.  Not to miss out on a fine beverage from McMenamin’s Brewery, I enjoyed the limited Black Widow Porter (which is advertised as only being available from October 15 through October 31 each year).

We had a great time dancing to the mighty songs of the 1980s decade in our Halloween costumes.  The Crystal Ballroom was packed the whole evening and the music was nonstop.  The crowd seemed to really get into the spirit of the music.  Songs from Billy Idol, Duran Duran, Madonna, and many others filled the evening with hours of dancing.

After an evening of dancing, an added bonus was the fact our hotel was only a block away.  A short walk back to our hotel and it was time for bed.

We’ll definitely be back for next year’s event.

It’s Official: Fall is here in Seattle – Worthless Advice: Time to dress a little warmer!

~ K ~ Leave a comment

Heck, if you haven’t noticed Fall is here in Seattle.  In my humble house, I finally turned on the furnace and restarted the gas fireplace this week marking the end of summer.  In Seattle, summer dragged on until October 9.  Now, I’m not complaining about that.  It has been a really nice treat for everyone.  I haven’t worn a coat for a long time.  There has been no noticeable rainfall for a good month and a half (maybe longer) and daytime temperatures were hitting 70 degrees.

However, the last few days, the weather has turned colder and I’ve accepted fall like the comfortable friend she is.  We flipped on the gas fireplace and experienced the smell of the dust being burned off.  Every year, my goal is to wait until at least October 1 to turn on the heat and the fireplace.  We made it to October 9 so I’m happy.

Since it is October, we are also in Halloween mode.  The decorations are coming out in our neighborhood, the leaves on the trees are turning, and the rain is back.  We won’t see the sun until the end of June.  Welcome Fall weather!  Enjoy the rain 24/7, the temperatures in the 40-55 degree range.

In a week, I’ll be sick of this rainy weather and will be blogging about how much I hate it and wished I was living back on Kauai.

Hawaii Waterfall
Wailua Waterfall 2011

Updating your Life with Worthless Advice: Career Changes

~ K ~ 2 Comments

Every once in while, I think I should switch careers and do something else besides photography.  Then I realize that I don’t any transferable job skills. Rather quickly, I give up that line of thinking.  Oh no, you might be telling yourself…Kevin is giving up on his dreams?

Hold on now, let’s have a reality check.  Currently, most of my time is devoted to avoiding work, watching TV, reading about “making money online”, and taking naps.  Sometimes, I do manage to do a little photography work and get paid, but those days are few and far between.

I do a fair amount of daydreaming and thinking that I want a regular 40 hour a week job with benefits.  A few of my friends laugh at this idea (or they maybe laugh at me actually working a 40 hour week).  But it isn’t the idea of having to work 40 hours a week that appeals to me (who wants to work at all?), it is the appeal of the wonderful world of benefits: medical, dental, vision, a pension plan, a 401k plan, etc.

Again, I then realize that these are great things but the chances of me getting an easy job with great benefits is pretty darn slim.  Heck, our unemployment rate in Washington State is currently at 8.6%.  According to Cyndi (my imaginary stalker), I’m a highly desirable individual with marketable job skills that just needs to get out there and give it the good old college try.  But then you know how Cyndi and my mother like to build me up with positive affirmations!  They both agree that I’m wonderful!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Light Rail rider/passenger

Bus rider/passenger

Blogger (everyone is doing it and none of them are being read)

TV watcher

Novel reader

Internet surfer

Talk Show Host

Advice Columnist (Worthless Advice Columnist might be easier for me)

Motivational Speaker (some would say Demotivational Speaker)

Novelist/Writer

Reality Show Star!

Hiker/Wanderer

Hmm, upon further review, this list really isn’t that good.  But again, I don’t have any real job skills so producing a blog worth reading is a bit hard.  But let’s face it, this is a list of things I like to do.  And all the motivational speakers tell you to follow your heart (I learned that on the Oprah Winfrey Network OWN so it must be true!).

Now some of you might say that my list is a cop out of facing the reality of a harsh world; that I really haven’t thought of what I really want to do in life.  The harsh truth is that all I want to do is sit around the house, read a good book, do a little travelling, eat out a lot, and not have to worry about money.  Yes, I’m avoiding the harsh realities of my career change by living in today’s harsh responsibilities of my life.  Oh boo hoo.

Really, what I should do is build up my blog readership writing about making money online offering worthless advice.  Clearly, that would make my everyday responsibilities lessen to such a degree that I would be able to make that career change.  I could blog about my amazing transformation from no name blogger to internet sensation (making hundreds of thousands if not millions of dollars online).  My career is set.  Bring on the money!

Worthless Advice Update “Don’t quit your day job: Making money so you can retire!”

~ K ~ Leave a comment

I like how motivational speakers tell you to “follow your heart”.  I would be an awesome motivational speaker because my worthless advice can easily be translated into useful advice.  Most of the advice you hear from motivational speakers is really common sense stuff that we all choose to ignore.  We get comfortable in our lives and forget to keep pushing ourselves.  We get bogged down with everyday life.

I am a perfect example of this (I tend to be a perfect example in a lot of my worthless advice examples) .  I run my small business and I’m dog tired after a day of work.  I want to relax when I leave my office.  I don’t want to think about work when I close my office door.  Yet, I am always thinking about it.  I think about how far I’m behind in getting this order done or that project accomplished.  When will I finish that?  Did I pay car insurance?  Did I get my oil changed?

A small business is like an ADHD kid on a sugar high.  A million things are going on and you want to give your attention to all of them.  You just need to prioritize.

Ha. Ha.  I love that “prioritize” advice statement.  I like it when an expert tells us to set aside a certain day to pay your bills.  Should that be before or after I realize I don’t have any money?

I envy my friends who drive off to work, do their job, and then come back home.  They leave their job at the office.  Sure, I could probably make my life easier by planning better (gee, is that the motivational speaker in me creeping out?) but that would defeat the whole purpose of offering worthless advice.

Another worthless advice statement: “If you fail to plan, then you are planning to fail.”

Oh, touché. I guess this would be a disaster if you fail to buy toilet paper and you ran out.  Does that mean deep down you are sabotaging your own success?  Do you want to be a failure?  What would your mother think?  (Psst.  Your mom is just happy you don’t live in her house anymore.  Remember?)

Yes, you should plan.  Be forward thinking.  See?  My worthless advice is based on useful advice no one cares to remember.

When I have a chance, I’ll come up with some additional gems of worthless advice for you.

I’m so famous people write songs about me!

~ K ~ Leave a comment

Yes, it is a wonderful feeling to know that my hard work as an upstanding pillar of society has inspired someone to write a song about me!

How I became a New York Times Bestseller author!

~ K ~ 2 Comments

If you really want to be depressed, do a little research into making that creative career switch.  As my imaginary stalker Cyndi and you both know, I have a dream of writing that next New York Times Bestselling novel that will make me rich!  Oh yeah! I’ll be jet setting around the country in first class (sweet!) and wearing a tweed jacket, reading passages from my latest work to adoring fans, sipping an Americano and chuckling at my good fortune.

I got into this research mode with a stop this afternoon at the local grocery store. I noticed they had some brand new books for sale on a display table near the checkout stand.  As I flipped through a few pages of the novels, I wondered how much money the author would receive from this hardcover book.  Since it wasn’t a genre I had any interest in, I made a mental note to look up the author when I got home (which I since have forgotten the author’s name and the book’s title).  Oh well.  I decided to see what an author might expect to sell their first novel for (in terms of advances) and how many copies the first book might actually sell.  Was it ten thousand books?  Twenty thousand copies?

Yikes!  What a wake up call.  It might be as low as 500 books!  I know that everyone wants to write a novel and become a published author.  I didn’t know the pay was so bad.  I looked around at a few blogs and some people commented that they wrote because they love to write.  Bravo for them!  That is fine as a hobby but not as a career.  Some comments even alluded to the fact they would make more money flipping burgers at the local fast food restaurant than as an author writing for a whole year.

I have nothing against writing as a hobby.  However, if it is something I’m really passionate about and I want to make a living at it, then I do want to get paid more than the average burger flipper.  Call me greedy for chasing the dollar but my family does like to live in a nice house and have food on their dinner plates.

Sure, I could say “Follow my heart and the money will follow”.  A better piece of advice would be to write that novel in my spare time, try to sell it, and don’t quit your day job.  We all know that no one has spare time; it would be an evening and weekend endeavor.  I don’t mind doing that as a hobby but it sure would be nice to get paid if I am doing a part time job on the side.

Writing isn’t easy.  Characters and plots take time.  You have to develop a story, write a rough draft, and edit it.

Am I whining too much?  Sure.  I’m entitled to do a little whining.  Like everyone else, I want it to be easy.  I know it won’t be easy but it might be enjoyable.

I just hoped that by investing that amount of time into a project, it would at least spin off some additional income I could invest with.  Maybe build up my retirement that much faster.  Being 40 and having a stock market crash and real estate crash knock me down a bit, it would like nice to have an extra income stream to rely on.  A business that I only had to work on a few hours a week yet would spin off some nice cash flow.  Maybe a blog about fairy tales?  Because this is what this blog entry seems to be about!

As always, your comments, concerns, and suggestions are always welcome!

Charlie Sheen vs. Bob Newhart

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The other night, I watched Charlie Sheen’s new show “Anger Management” show which reminded me of the Bob Newhart show from the 1970’s.  Sure, I’m basing my opinion on my childhood memories and my current viewing of one episode of the show, yet I stand by my uneducated opinion and foggy memory.

Really, can I just base my opinion on watching one show?  Sure, I can!  Just like our screwed up American politician system….but I digress (since everyone complains about the political system…how clique is that?).

And what is what is up with the giant fork and spoon in his kitchen?  It reminds me of Frank and Marie’s kitchen in “Everyone Loves Raymond”.  And as I write this, I remind myself that my last sentence is like “Seinfield”.  Is my whole life based on old sitcoms?

Overall, it is a pretty good show only because I love the movie “Navy Seals” in which Charlie Sheen is one of the main characters.  Yes, that movie influences me in a positive bias way.  Just like how everyone loves the Julia Robert’s loveable prostitute character in “Pretty Women”.  Oh, how Walt Disney would roll in his grave knowing a movie about a prostitute grossed so much money!