Category: Humor

Google Yourself! Who comes up #1?

~ K ~ Leave a comment

Since my blog (Kevin’s Blog of Worthless Advice) skyrocketed to Number 9 under the search of “worthless advice” in Google, I thought I’d better check the term “Kevin Hellriegel”.  Just to be fair to myself and my imaginary stalker Cyndi, everyone and their cat Mr. Mittens “Googles” themselves to see what pops up under their name and how bad the results are.  I luckily come up with good results because I’m really just totally awesome.

Well most of it is good except for the fact instead of my photography business coming up as Number 1, my sarcastic blog of worthless advice comes up as Number 1.

That could be a problem because I can be a bit of a rude sarcastic writer on my blog.  I wouldn’t want someone to think ill of me.  Who am I kidding?  People think ill of each other all the time.  They just like to pretend they aren’t mean.

My worthless advice for today: To get to a Number 1 Google rank is to narrow your search to be super specific.  Unless your name is “Joe Smith” and you live in a cave without any internet presence, you should appear on Google’s ranking fairly high.  When you search “Kevin Hellriegel”, I come up as Number 1.  See, isn’t that some awesome worthless advice?  I bet you wished I could come in and doing some marketing for your worthless brand, don’t you?

How I got my Blog to Number 9 on Google!

~ K ~ 2 Comments

How I got my Blog to Number 9 on Google!

Yes, I’m ripping a hole into the world of Internet Marketing with my amazing ascent into the Number 9 ranking on Google!

Sure, it’s tough to get to the top of the page listings but someone I managed to do it.  With the billions and billions of web pages out there, you must be wondering how I did this!

It is really quite simple, a secret that bring the SEO marketing gurus to their knees.

You just have to make your search term so simple that it is the first one that pops up!  In my case, it is “worthless advice”.  Yup, that’s the term “worthless advice”.  Sure, it probably gets barely any searches (I mean who wants “worthless advice”?) but it is still ranked Number 9.

Now, to be fare, I haven’t even shown up on the first page of Bing or Yahoo!  I feel sad about that.  However, by taking my own “worthless advice” I’m sure I’ll crack their code too and quickly jump to the top of their rankings as well!

St. Patrick’s Day

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St. Patrick’s Day

I forgot that yesterday was St. Patrick’s Day.  Luckily, I wore a spot of green on a T-shirt I was wearing (however, to be honest, I think it was a bit of salad from lunch).

I didn’t have any green beer, nor did I drink any Irish whiskey.  My family didn’t have and corn beef, potatoes, or cabbage.  I failed my Irish ancestors miserably.

I did remind my kids that it was St. Patrick’s Day and to wear green.  They actually listen to me.  I should have mentioned to them that you are supposed to not fight or argue with your siblings that day too.

So today, I, Kevin Hellriegel make the promise to pay more attention to the various holidays that occur everyday of the year and dress appropriately to said holiday.  If it is National Field Hockey Day, I’ll dress up in a field hockey outfit, if it is National School Spirit Day (September 12, 2012), I’ll dress up as a Kapa’a High Warrior or a UW Husky!  And if it is Naked Hiking Day…well, I’ll break  my promise and skip that one!

Ugly Pink Shirts

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The one thing I really like about the website Photobucket.com is you can search for random terms and find a bunch of photos totally unrelated to the term you were looking at.  These results can be very entertaining.  Most photos on the website are just family snapshots, not professionally quality.  That is perfectly ok.   People are creating wonderful memories and saving these images for themselves, their friends, and people like me!

Since they don’t change their privacy settings, their images are there for public viewing.  This is a wonderful opportunity for people like me, that stumble upon their Kauai vacation photos, their cat photos, and gives me the  inspiration to create a blog entry out of their photos.  God (and my imaginary stalker Cyndi) only knows how many people see my photos of my cat Meesha and I on Facebook.  One minute you send a simple photo message to your wife and then it ends up on Facebook.

Since I am fairly boring, I dress in muted plain colors for my job as a school photographer.  Please see my entry “Busy As a Bee”  for my “Dad Uniform”.  I can’t say the say that I wear flashy colors in my photos.  One color I refuse to wear is pink.  It doesn’t look good on me.  My cheeks always are a little read and a pink shirt just looks bad on me.  I’d look like I was about to have a heart attack  if I worn pink with my red cheeks.

Getting back to bad photos, Photobucket, pink shirts, and lack of privacy settings allows us to see people’s photo albums and a father wearing an ugly pink shirt.

Maybe these guys can pull it off, however, I know I can’t wear the ugly pink shirt.  I accept that.  I’ll leave the pink shirt to other fathers.

On a side note…If these guys think it is dangerous enough to wear rubber gloves, whole body safety suits, and oxygen masks then why in the world would you be standing there in just your pink shirt and white summer retiree shorts?  These guys are wearing hazmat suits and oxygen masks for some reason.  Don’t you think that perhaps you should get out of there? I certainly wouldn’t be standing around with my white shorts and pink shirt with a stupid grin on my face.

Secret Confession

~ K ~ 2 Comments

I like mindless action movies like every other guy.  The fists of fury, the explosions, the car crashes, the scantily clad woman actresses, and the endless corny jokes.  It’s all good stuff.

However, I have a secret…I enjoy the trashy drama movies on the LMN (Lifetime Network).  Only you and my imaginary stalker Cyndi now know.  Why would I like this stuff?  It’s a train wreck in every movie.  Lots of betrayal, murder, cheating, insecure relationships, drinking, poor judgment, stalking, death.  And that’s the first half hour of any Lifetime movie!

My biggest excitement is when the cheater’s lover ends up dead!  I know it’s coming and I can’t wait.  Sure, it is predictable (it’s a movie) but it is so fun to watch.

Basically, the moral of any Lifetime movie is….well, there is no moral.  Someone will end up dead and the killer is either a) spouse b) close friend c) stranger (oh big surprise) or d) the photographer.

Yes, every time a photographer is in the movie, he’s the killer.  That is a know movie law that is true like the law of gravity.  Oh, there is a photographer in the movie?  Yup, he is the psycho/killer/stalker.

Getting back to the moral of the story: don’t cheat.  You or your lover will end up dead usually killed by the photographer you hired to photograph your cat Mr. Mittens flocking in the daisies.  A bit of a bummer, isn’t it?

 

The Biggest Loser Show

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Biggest Loser

I must admit that I like The Biggest Loser and enjoy the weight loss the contestants’ experience.  The one complaint I have about the show is the weigh in segment of the show.  It drives me nuts with the digital scale numbers going up and down, the beeping (like a bad flashback to the “Price is Right” show).  You know as soon as the contestant steps on the scale, the correct weight will appear, and we should know that immediately.  The ten beeps and the imaginary suspense is just plain stupid.  The contestant isn’t jumping up and down to confuse the scale.  It’s just stupid tv nonsense.

Really, I would much prefer the beeping and the random numbers to done with.  Make more time for those fabulous commercials from the major corporate sponsors.

For your musical enjoyment!

~ K ~ Leave a comment

I always enjoy a good song from Ty Willman.  Here is latest project with his band nine50nine

 

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Nine50nine/132091930221131

Pajamas in Public…Just Say No!

~ K ~ Leave a comment

  I recently wrote about my travels to Kauai and how I disliked the airline system now.  Upon talking with my friend today, he mentioned that I had totally forgotten to mention how much I hate passengers who wear their pajamas while traveling.  Mind you, it isn’t just airline travel I see this trend happening in.  I also notice it in the grocery stores, at gas stations, and even at my kids’ school (most often parents being the offenders of good taste).

  It floors me to see grown ups wearing Hello Kitty pajamas at 3:20 pm in the afternoon.  For example, I was walking my daughter home with her friends and two adults were putting something in their car wearing their pajama bottoms like khaki slacks.  It is 3:20 in the afternoon and I have to see your Hello Kitty pajamas?  How old are you? Three years old?

  Getting back to the air travel pajama problem, I really don’t think that as an adult I need to see your pajamas.  The only acceptable people that are allowed to wear pajamas on an airline flight are children under the age of 5.  If the kids are in Kindergarten, I’ll cut them some slack.  However, first grade and above, you need to put on your “big boy” pants and act respectful.  Heck, the next thing we’ll see is teenagers wearing diapers and pooping their pants on a cross country flight.  How would you like to sit next to that mess on a five hour flight?

  So grown up and stop wearing your pajamas around like they are a pair of jeans.  Society made sweatpants so you could wear pajama style clothes in public.  Sweatpants are marginal more acceptable to wear in public.  You really should wear sweatpants when you are working out at the gym or jogging in the park.

Places I don’t want to see you wearing your pajamas:

At my kids’ school

Grocery stores

Gas stations

Post Office

Shopping malls

7-11

Liquor stores

Pizza parlors (really any kind of restaurants)

  Again: Grow up, wear some jeans, some khaki slacks, or even a kilt or skirt.  Leave the pajamas at home so I can keep my lunch down.  Just give me one day where I don’t get grossed out by your lack of compassion to my sensitive stomach.

 

 

A “Why People Are Stupid” Segment: A pet peeve

~ K ~ 1 Comment

As you may or may not know, I recently escape from my extremely exciting life here in Seattle and travelled back to Kauai for some rest and relaxation.  I am quite fortunate to be able to stay with my parents in their guest cottage on Kauai.  While not quite the guest house of the TV show Magnum P.I., it suits me well for my vacation needs. http://www.makanacrest.com

As with many people, visiting the old stomping grounds of one’s youth brings memories flooding back.  One in particular that annoys me is the recent mainland transplant person that insists on using as many Hawaiian words as they can in their everyday speech.  I’m not talking about tourists, I’m talking about the people that retire to Kauai (or any other Hawaiian Island) and try to make you think that they lived there their whole life.

This person could be male or female but they are transplants to the Hawaiian Islands.  It is so annoying to see them pretend that they have lived here their whole lives.  They sprinkle a few Hawaiian words into their speaking style with such abandonment you swear you were in a 1960’s CIA educational video on “how to blend in” tot the local area.

A lot of the Hawaiian words they use are perfectly fine.  However, when they sprinkle them into their regular mainland speech style, it drives me nuts.  They clearly don’t know or understand that a whole other dialect of English exists in the Hawaiian Islands.  This is called “pidgin” or “pidgin English”.  It is a slang that separates the tourist from the locals.

What exactly is a local?  I would argue that is someone that is born in the State of Hawaii that has a darker skin tone and a Hawaiian last name.  That is a very limited definition because Hawaii is a huge melting pot of different cultures and people.  You might have a common German last name but your family is almost all local.  And you might have a Hawaiian last name and only be one percent Hawaiian blood.  Once you live in Hawaii, you just know who is who from the way they act and talk.

Now, my pet peeve isn’t that I hate anyone that comes to Hawaii to live, my pet peeve is their insane belief that by speaking a few Hawaiian words, everyone will think they are locals and have lived there their whole life.

An example: You are at a fairly public place talking with a friend or spouse about a place on Kauai, our Transplant overhears you and wants to be your “Aloha” friend.

The Transplant of Stupidity (TTS): Aloha!  I noticed you were talking about that restaurant, it’s really good.

Me: Oh really.  I never did really like it.

TTS: I just took my ohana there and we loved the pupus!  I’m a ka’amina and I love to travel from the mauka side of the island here.  In fact, last time we were here, we saw some honi swimming in the waves.

Me: Really? Where are you from?

TTS: My hale is in Kapaa.

Me: No, where are you originally from?

TTS: I’m from here.

Me: I think you are not fully understanding my simple question…where did you move from before you lived on Kauai?

TTS: Well, I lived in California (or Washington or Oregon or Utah…it doesn’t matter TTS come from everywhere) before I moved here.

A local person would use pidgin English for that whole conversation and you wouldn’t understand what half of it meant….but the local would.

I know that I will never be considered a “local” on Kauai.  Once you are a haole (a foreigner, Caucasian) you are always a haole.  You do have friends that are born and raised there and are Caucasian, but are always describe as haole.  Their local friends will call them local haoles to separate them from the transplants.  I’m not a local haole and I don’t try to pass myself off as one.  I do run into people I went to school with on Kauai and I still have friends on Kauai but I don’t speak “pidgin” to the same degree they do.  They might say I’m a local haole but I’m not comfortable saying that myself.  I accept that I’m a haole and I’ll just stick to my mainland English.  I can still wear my local style clothes and eat my local food (because the food is really awesome) but I won’t try to say I’m local (considering I haven’t lived on Kauai since college).

In reality, I’m a tourist in my old stomping grounds and this leads me to enjoy Kauai for the great place it is.  I know good bodyboarding beaches and I know good snorkeling spots.  I can visit a secluded beach or swim in a mountain stream only the locals know about.  I accept that.  I just won’t sprinkle Hawaiian words into my speech in a sad attempt to pretend that I lived there my whole life.

A hui hou kakou (until we meet again)…which no one says unless they speak fluent Hawaiian.

 

 

 

Two reasons why airline travel sucks!

~ K ~ 3 Comments

Upon a recent flight home, I have discovered that I really don’t like how the airlines run their business.  The staff is friendly enough, but the baggage and meal situation drives me nuts.

Yes, I understand that the airlines have cut certain perks to keep their airlines afloat.  The meal service I can do without.  I’m ok going three to six hours on a domestic U.S. flight without a meal.  I can easily bring my favorite protein bar, a few snacks, or gum to tie me over.

However, the baggage limit and extra baggage cost drives me crazy.  If you can carry on your bag, the current fees I have come across have been $25 to $50 per piece.  Fairly simple math means that if I check in a bag twice, I have to add $50 to my ticket.  I would much rather prefer the option of paying the slightly higher ticket piece that includes a piece of baggage or having a discounted ticket that clearly states that this ticket has no checked baggage.

If you had a bag/no bag option, you’d feel less ripped off.  You know that you’d be able to check in one bag if you had picked that option.  I know I can fit my stuff into a 25 lb carry on for a week stay on Kauai.  On a business trip to New York City, I know I’d need more clothes and a larger bag and I’d pick the ticket with bag option.  I would gladly pay ahead, spend the money, and forget about it.  Money spent is money forgotten.  Pay the fee in the ticket and you forget about it.  Nickel and dime me to death and it drives me crazy.  I also remember those annoying nickels and dimes.

It just leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.  What happen to the K.I.S.S. formula (Keep It Simple Stupid!)?  One ticket, one checked bag equals easy flight.  Instead, it is buy the ticket, pay for your bag to fly, spend money on top of your airline ticket, do your business trip or vacation trip, go back to the airport, check in, spend more money for your bag to go back.

It’s bad enough the weight you are allowed to take has dropped from 70 lbs to 50 lbs per checked in piece.  You also lost the two pieces you use to take for free (at least they were included in the ticket cost).  Now you get nothing; just a carry on piece.  So the airline has dropped the weight by 140 lbs per person.

I’m not saying that I want everyone to bring a cage full of chickens on the plane; I just want to be able to bring one lousy checked piece and include it in my ticket cost.  If I know I’m going on a short trip, I’ll get the cheaper ticket without the baggage.  Don’t make me pay the baggage charge at the start of my airline trip.  It just gets me pissed off that the whole airline industry has gone to hell.  It reminds me of “the good old days” and I’m too young to be thinking of “the good old days.”  It is a slap in my face.  It reminds me that airline travel is a big pain the ass compared how it once was.

Sadly, we aren’t safer anymore.  We recently had a grandmother bring her loaded handgun through TSA’s awesome screening process at a major American airport.  Heck, if grandma can make it through what else makes it through security?  Yet, I can’t take my bottle of water through security while travelling with my whole family?  Seriously?  Does that make sense?

ImageEnjoy your next flight.