Christmas is a few days away and I have yet to see the Christmas newsletters I love so dearly. Now, the Christmas letter has been given a bad rap over the past few years. People have complained that they only tell the “good things” that happen in their lives or are merely fabrications of an overly drunk mother clinging to the false belief that her children aren’t losers and her husband still loves her.
I don’t believe that. Christmas newsletters should be revered for the author’s ability to make the mundane and average dribbling of a mad person into a work of unrealistic family perfection.
Call me slightly crazy but I actually enjoy the Christmas newsletters for a number of purely holiday cheer reasons.
They allow me the chance to catch up on everyone’s yearly activities. Look, I don’t have time to stalk everyone I know on Facebook and the Christmas newsletter fills in the blanks. Besides, a lot of people don’t update their FB statuses like they should. Yes, I do want to hear that little Billy has taken his first poo-poo in the big boy potty, that Jacob is in the 10th grade, D’Shawn scored the winning touchdown at homecoming, your 13 cats are alive and well, your daughter Uneek is a musical genius, your daughter Alison got her black belt, your Mom is now living with you, you ran over your neighbor’s hamster, and your wife thinks your totally awesome (but you haven’t been married for the past six years).
My life is boring and I need your Christmas letters to keep me from killing myself before Christmas rolls around. I need something to do besides watch old reruns of the Dukes of Hazzard and reality shows like The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. I would like some uplifting Christmas newsletters to read while I drink my hot butter rum and eat my neighbor’s awesome Christmas cookies.
Heck, I know you are a liar. I understand you don’t want to share that your kid isn’t perfect, your father didn’t love you as a child and now you have “daddy issues”, your children hate you, you are working too much, your job sucks, you are lucky/unlucky to have the job you hate, your only joy in life is to read my blog at https://khellriegel.wordpress.com, you lost everything in the some ponzi scheme, and you hate pancakes with strawberries.
I want to still believe in Christmas and read your Christmas newsletter. So please take the time to write out your Christmas fairy tale and send it my way. I really need the help to make it through the holidays!
Kevin Hellriegel's Blog of Worthless Advice 