Death of the Christmas Newsletter: Don’t leave me hanging…..

Christmas is a few days away and I have yet to see the Christmas newsletters I love so dearly.  Now, the Christmas letter has been given a bad rap over the past few years.  People have complained that they only tell the “good things” that happen in their lives or are merely fabrications of an overly drunk mother clinging to the false belief that her children aren’t losers and her husband still loves her.

I don’t believe that.  Christmas newsletters should be revered for the author’s ability to make the mundane and average dribbling of a mad person into a work of unrealistic family perfection.

Call me slightly crazy but I actually enjoy the Christmas newsletters for a number of purely holiday cheer reasons.

They allow me the chance to catch up on everyone’s yearly activities.  Look, I don’t have time to stalk everyone I know on Facebook and the Christmas newsletter fills in the blanks.  Besides, a lot of people don’t update their FB statuses like they should.  Yes, I do want to hear that little Billy has taken his first poo-poo in the big boy potty, that Jacob is in the 10th grade, D’Shawn scored the winning touchdown at homecoming, your 13 cats are alive and well, your daughter Uneek is a musical genius, your daughter Alison got her black belt, your Mom is now living with you, you ran over your neighbor’s hamster, and your wife thinks your totally awesome (but you haven’t been married for the past six years).

My life is boring and I need your Christmas letters to keep me from killing myself before Christmas rolls around.  I need something to do besides watch old reruns of the Dukes of Hazzard and reality shows like The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.  I would like some uplifting Christmas newsletters to read while I drink my hot butter rum and eat my neighbor’s awesome Christmas cookies.

Heck, I know you are a liar.  I understand you don’t want to share that your kid isn’t perfect, your father didn’t love you as a child and now you have “daddy issues”, your children hate you, you are working too much, your job sucks, you are lucky/unlucky to have the job you hate, your only joy in life is to read my blog at http://khellriegel.wordpress.com, you lost everything in the some ponzi scheme, and you hate pancakes with strawberries.

I want to still believe in Christmas and read your Christmas newsletter.  So please take the time to write out your Christmas fairy tale and send it my way.  I really need the help to make it through the holidays!

http://khellriegel.wordpress.com

Christmas is almost here! And I need more time!

Sure, the major gift giving holiday is almost here and I have yet to figure out my Christmas card situaton.  As a photographer, I usually like to send out a photo Christmas card with a highly entertaining holiday newsletter.  Well, in my opinion it is highly entertaining.  Needless to say, I don’t have a family portrait for the holiday card, I don’t have a decent newsletter written (the first draft is awful) and Christmas is a mere nine days away.

The New Year’s card option is looking really good right now.

From the seat of my car, written on my phone, I was wish you all the bewt this holiday season!

Ten Great Reasons why I hate Frosty the Snowman

Ten Great Reasons why I hate Frosty the Snowman!

It is the Christmas season and the wonderful time of holiday TV specials has begun.  I like most of the Christmas TV specials like Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer, Santa Claus is Coming to Town, the Grinch who stole Christmas, etc.  However, the one Christmas Special I can’t stand is Frosty the Snowman.

  1. Really what is Frosty the Snowman?  He is a bad LSD trip of some whacked out meth head.  The only redeeming quality of Frosty the Snowman is Andy Griffith is the narrator of the cartoon.  The rest of it I hate.
  1. Frosty always says “Happy Birthday”.  Really?  What is he a homeless bum who thinks every day is his birthday?  Is he too drunk to remember it isn’t everyone’s birthday?  Does he need a reason to drink?  “Oh, it’s someone’s birthday!  Let’s go out to Appplebee’s and get wasted!”  That one saying drives me nuts.  “Happy Birthday?”  It’s winter and almost Christmas, I’m not thinking of your birthday, I’m thinking about Christmas presents, Christmas cookies, and egg nog.
  1. He is a cry baby whiner.  There is a scene where he is all sad that the kids are leaving to go back home.  Oh, poor homeless snowman.  Jeez, stop your whining.  Man up, build a snow house and make a snow dog to keep you company.
  1. He sleds by just getting on his belly and sliding down a hill.  Seriously, we all know that Frosty would be jumping on his belly, knocking the wind of his snowman lungs, and cursing up a storm for being so stupid.  He would be doing a belly flop into three inches of snow.  Don’t you think that would hurt?  Darn right it would.
  1. And really, Frosty wouldn’t be sliding down the hill.  Instead, a big pile of snow would build up right in front of Frosty and he would stop in three feet.  Frosty isn’t going anyway fast.
  1. Frosty is just a homeless bum.  After the kids go home to their families or single mothers.  He just wanders around after dark without a purpose…just like the guy who lives under the overpass.
  1. And do I darn mention the sequel “Frosty Returns”.  Do we really need more of Frosty’s inane drunk babblings of “Happy Birthday”?
  1. Frosty promotes smoking.  In this day and age of Political Correctness, why hasn’t someone digitally erased his corncob pipe?  Seriously, if they can change E.T., then they can change Frosty.  It’s a cartoon!  It can’t be that hard.
  1. Frosty likes little kids….too much.  He hangs around kids all day long in a nice pedophile way.  Creepy just like Michael Jackson and his “Jesus Juice”.  Next thing we know Frosty will want to invite the boys and girls over for a nice sleepover in his snow bed.  Just plain creepy.
  1. And in the song, doesn’t Frosty die?  Sure, he melts away and in a Star Trek world he comes back.  But in the lame TV holiday special he makes it to the North Pole with Santa and lives on?  This is all after he puts Karen into life threatening situations (like the refrigerator train car).  Karen takes a long trip ride in a freezing cold refrigerator car were most people would be a Popsicle at the end of the trip.  Hell, why can’t Karen be a normal kid that just sticks Frosty on the train, sends him on his merry way, and forgets about him in 10 minutes?

Frosty the Snowman sucks.  This is one holiday special I wish was lost forever in the depths of CBS television studios.

 

 

Oh Man, the holidays are here!

Well, most of my neighbors have their holiday lights up on their houses.  Even my lame next door neighbors managed to do something this year.  I’m a little slow on the draw due to a few valid and extremely good reasons:

  • I don’t like to climb up on my slippery roof to hang lights.
  • I usually wait until after my son’s birthday (December 4).
  • I’m lazy.

That last reason really isn’t a reason as much as a character trait.  I really am lazy.

OK, not really lazy but busy.  It is the Christmas delivery crunch time for my photography business so between getting all the school retake photos done and finishing up the digital retouching on my family orders; I’m busy.

Tomorrow, we are headed out to a U-Cut tree farm run by Jeff Coates (a fellow UW business student).  This will be our first time out there and we are excited to go.  Unlike my pumpkin patch experience (http://khellriegel.wordpress.com/2011/10/23/yes-it-is-my-fault-a-pumpkin-patch-adventure/), I’ll be sure to tell my family that in the Seattle, in the month of December, you will most likely be walking through muddy areas and your shoes will get dirty.  I highly recommend wearing some good boots.  I should further mention that it will be cold (currently temperature is 37 degrees) and they should wear warm coats, pants, and maybe some gloves too.