February 7, 2017
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You’ll be pleased to know that this blog post is approved by both my wife and Mr. Whiskers. Yet, I haven’t had a chance to ask Cyndi, my imaginary stalker, if she likes it or not.
A few of my friends will ask “Hey, how come you love your wife so much?” Well, clearly it is because she manipulates me. She knows what motivates me into being a better person. We all know my wife is the better half of this marriage. No one asks me “How are you doing?” But they always ask about her and how she is doing. (Maybe they know she is going nuts because she is married to me?).
One could argue that manipulating your spouse is wrong, however in reality, we all do it. My wife knows exactly how to steer me in the “right” direction. Usually, her direction is the right direction (unless it interferes with Mr. Whisker’s nap time). Is it wrong to give your spouse limited choices, that result in the correct choice? The choice that, in the end, is the right choice?
Now the manipulation only works if that person believes in you…or wants to believe in you. We all want our significant other to motivate us, push us, encourage us to succeed. We all enjoy that manipulation because it appeals to our own desire to be a winner. You could say that our spouses motivate us, in which they do, but they manipulate us as well.
But what if our spouses had given up on us? Should we change the tables and perhaps push them back into a position we want them to be? Shouldn’t we rise up and encourage them to fall back in love with the loveable loser (that’s you dear reader) again? Let’s look at some completely worthless advice tips that probably won’t help you with your relationship but are nevertheless the point of this blog.
Worthless Advice Tips to Manipulate Your Spouse into Loving You Again:
- Learn to Cook – take a good cooking class and learn how to boil water and make one amazing dish. Or just pop something in the microwave…same thing, right?
- Do a load of Laundry – Sure, we know you haven’t done a load of laundry since college, but this is the time to do it again. My recommendation: use the local laundromat that offers A Full Service Drop Off Service. I’m pretty sure you can Google that crap somewhere.
- Ditch the Kids – You know your spouse is tired of watching the kids, so make the effort to pawn them off to relatives or friends for one blessed night. One night of no whining….(well, except for your dog’s whining.)
- Spa Night – Offer your spouse a massage. Paint their nails like a three year old at preschool. Then promptly fall asleep…
- Vacuum – Instead of reminding your spouse the carpet looks like a herd of elk walked over it, plug in the vacuum and turn it on for them to do. Remember to lift your feet as your spouse vacuums near you. It’s the least you can do as you update your Facebook status about your “tough day at work”.
- Speak Kindly – Don’t be the sassy smartass for one night…(unless you write a worthless advice blog. Then you should kind all the time because you know your worthless advice isn’t worth anything.)
- Take Care of Your Appearance – Heck, your spouse goes out of their way to look good for you. Return the favor by getting out of your sweatpants at least once a week, taking a shower, shaving your beard. I know those sweatpants are comfortable…I wear mine too much. But they do signal to the world “Hey, I’ve given up” and that’s not you, right?
- Let your Spouse pick the Movie….for once… Give in and watch the new action movie or sappy (totally unrealistic) romantic comedy… just once. Do it for your spouse and your cat.
Again thanks for stopping by and reading my “Worthless Advice Tips to Manipulate Your Spouse into Loving You Again”. Feel free to forward this on to your friends and spouse. Leave a few comments below…
July 22, 2016
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It’s summer here and that means there are a fair amount of yard sales in my local community. It’s like a gold rush of junk and the everyone wants to sell their treasures! I enjoy a good garage sale like the next guy (if that guy happens to be a hoarder). You can find some good tools, cheap books, dangerous toys, out of style clothes, and dead Nana’s ashes.
Perhaps you want to sell your Treasures? Follow my Tips for Huge Garage Sales!
- Get Rid of Your Spouse and Children – You don’t want your sentimental, sappy husband or your whining kids mucking up the sales process with their cries of “But that was my favorite bike” or “I still need that hammer to fix the gate” or “I need that heart medication to survive.”
- Sell High Quality Items – Sure, that is pretty easy right? You know what sells? Your neighbor’s stuff. Like their brand new lawn furniture or their ECHO weed wacker. Or that bratty kid’s bike down the street. Just slip them into our inventory, price them dirt cheap (like your wife’s perfume), and watch the money roll in.
- Advertise Your Yard Sale – Make sure to make a big sign and hot glue it to the neighbor’s car down on the corner. Hey, if he is stupid enough to park his car on the public street, then it can become a good spot for a nice sign to direct traffic to your awesome garage sale.
- Put on Some Music – Have your nephew and his gangsta rap music group have a concert outside. Nothing like a bunch of swear words to get those Buyers itching to buy!
- Selling on a Hot Day? Some would suggest selling lemonade…I would add Vodka and get the sales party started. Everyone knows that liquor helps to loosen up those tight purse strings. And what could go wrong with vodka infused lemonade at 9:32 am?
- Need something for the Husbands to do? Husbands get bored at garage sales. To combat this, start a craps game in the backyard. Everyone loves craps! Remember the longer they are playing, the longer their wives are at the garage sale buying your stuff!
- All Sales Final – Don’t forget to remind your customers that all sales are final. They are stuck with your treasures now!
After those final customers sober up, you can get rid of the reminder items on Craig’s List for FREE!
Do you have some awesome tips or a story to share? Leave them in the comments below!
February 13, 2016
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So even if you have been married a few months, a few years, or a few decades, you should get the spouse an expensive gift to show your true love. At least every time I purchase a Valentine’s Day card, I feel like I’m buying a very expensive gift. Those cards are expensive.
However, if I don’t buy the card, I look like an insensitive jerk. Ah, well played Greeting Card company, well planned. You know even if my wife says “you don’t need to buy me anything, honey” that I’d be a fool to listen to her. Because if I don’t buy that expensive card, I’m the husband that “forgot” about Valentine’s Day. My love is only shown through a pricey greeting card’s well polished verse of undying love, gratitude, and admiration.
Oh, and let’s not forgot about what sentiment we need to profess in this greeting card. If we go with the funny card and our spouse wakes up in a bad mood, we look like someone that doesn’t take our love seriously. But if we go with the seriously one and we are known for our funny nature, we are guilty of not being concerned about our choice of Valentine’s Day cards. We picked a serious card because we didn’t care enough to look through the 863 different cards available.
I like the funny ones but depending on the mood of your spouse (on Valentine’s Day morning), you are risking a day…a week…a month…years of how you were an insensitive dope who chose the wrong Valentine card.
Yeah, so good luck with your card choice…choose wisely.