Don’t you dare call me “Brown Bag” (and other offensive terms)!

If you haven’t heard….Seattle is political correct to the extreme.  In the City of Seattle, government we have the Office for Civil Rights which has recently issued a memo to city employees in regards to some terms that could be offensive.  Include in this list is the terms “brown bag” and “citizens”.

Don’t you dare call me a brown bag…I’m clearly a taupe bag!


 Yes, I’d like to talk to you today about your offensive use of the term “brown bag” at lunch today.  Um, I understand you were talking with Sarah from accounting and mentioned the words “brown bag” to her?

 You do know that the City of Seattle has banned this offensive word and others like them, from every city employee’s vocabulary?  She also mentioned that you liked her red apple, the white milk, and her yummy leftover pizza.  Again, where you aware that these terms clearly violate the new City of Seattle’s updated offensive word policy?

 We at the City of Seattle want to make sure that the city’s workplace environment is friendly and hassle free.  You pushing your political views when you mentioned the red apple and thus referring to communists is strictly forbidden. I was appalled when you followed it with the derogatory term “white milk” comment.  Which is very offensive to Dutch people, and the pizza reference will likely alienate Italians you come in contact with.

I have also heard that you offered to share your Twinkies with some of your coworkers if they would share their Ding Dongs at a later time.  I really can’t let you mention Twinkies while you are on a site visit at the Farmer’s Market in Ballard with your fellow inspectors.  It could be offensive to the farmers in our fair city.

And since we are on the subject of fresh fruit, I should probably warn you that you can not mention Linda’s melons anymore when you see her at breakfast.  I know she is a prize winning gardener with national awards but you have to stop talking about her melons.

And please, please lay off on how extremely good the oatmeal tastes or how you like chocolate milk around our co-workers in the Sewer Treatment Plant.

For God’s Sake, stay away from asking Jose in the real estate department when you offer your nacho flavor chips to anyone as a snack.

And Carol was very shaken when she told me the story of how you ask if she liked sushi while in Chinatown outside that Japanese restaurant. What where you thinking?

 I really have to wonder if you at all a human sometimes.  When you are at the Pike Place Market, don’t wonder out loud what it would be like to have tuna instead of salmon flying through the air.  What kind of sicko are you?

 I’m rather disappointed that you didn’t take my new memo seriously.  I’m putting you on a 90 day probation period.  I strongly suggest you take this time to reflect on your recent behavior and read the updated offensive word policy.  If your behavior doesn’t change, we have to arrange for your sensitivity training in the next 30 days.

 Remember, I’m watching you.

An Inch Of Milk

I enjoy a nice tall cold glass of milk like the next person as long as the next person isn’t lactose intolerant.  Personally, I need a calcium dose daily to avoid leg cramps in my calf muscles.  I grew up in a home paid for by a self employed small business person so every cost directly affects the success of the household.  At meals, you took only what you could finish because you were taught to stretch the food budget by not wasting food.

I thought I had passed this helpful tip onto my children.  Like myself, my children enjoy milk and pour themselves a glass here and there.  This would be a good thing besides the fact that KOTS (King Of The Slackers) insists on leaving an inch of milk in his glass all the time.

It doesn’t matter how thirsty or hungry he is, KOTS will always leave an inch of milk in the glass.  It has been my experience that most teenagers eat and drink like it was going out of style.  Every time you chat with a parent of a teenager, they always complain that they can’t keep milk in the house.  The teenager will consume it to the last drop much like small children unatteded with a bowl of candy:  nothing will be left.  Not so with KOTS.  KOTS will always, without fail, pour a glass of milk and leave one inch of milk in the glass.  He can’t seem to finish that last bit of milk whether it is glass of milk at a restaurant or at home.

There is no rhyme or reason to this.  It however, is a fact of life much like the rising of the sun or KOTS ability to not find a job.  He will always leave the inch of milk in the glass.  You could question him about it but it is generally a waste of time and energy to do so (remember this is KOTS we are talking about).  He doesn’t know why he does it but he does it every time.  I have the strong belief that is done just to annoy me and to cause yet another tip in the balance of slacker vs. contributing member of society with slacker winning.

Someone could argue it is the nature of the teenager to do something that they know annoys their parents.  This “something” has developed into a habit.  I think it is etched in his personal habits and no matter what, he cannot and will not take that last drink of milk.  You could threaten to pour the remaining milk in his glass on his head and he still wouldn’t finish it.

I pose an economic and psychological question: If KOTS paid for his own milk, would he still leave that last one inch of milk in his class?

One will never now until he moves out in 6 years……