Kevin Hellriegel's Blog of Worthless Advice

The only blog that you really want to read…or ignore.

Tag Archives: marriage

Warning: Terrible Valentine’s Day Ideas for that Special Women in your Life

Since you are reading this blog post, I’m assuming you have that special woman in your life.  It might be a girlfriend or a wife (hopefully, not your mother…ew) and you are desperate for a great Valentine’s Day gift, so you decided to visit my blog.  How easily you have been fooled into thinking that was a good idea.  You poor misguided soul….valentines-day-1182250_1920

If you really want to find a great gift, I’d suggest reading another blog that might actually be helpful.  Perhaps one without the title of “worthless advice” in it?  However, if you must continue to read, we should dive into a few things that will help you find a decent enough Valentine’s Day gift.  I’m not promising that this is the prefect gift; I’m merely saying that these gifts might save you from a night sleeping on the couch on Valentine’s Day.

First, I’d suggest aiming for a gift that aligns with your significant other’s lifestyle.  If she likes to run, give her some new running shorts.  She likes to cook, perhaps a nice crock pot would be a helpful addition to her kitchen.  On the flip side, if she hates cats, don’t buy her a kitten.  (I’m honestly hoping you aren’t that much of a moron to buy her a cat….)

You’ll actually have to brainstorm and come up with some ideas of what she likes to do.  I can’t possibly save your sorry ass all the time.  Come on, man…think about her hobbies?  She doesn’t have any?  Nothing at all?  Then you are doomed.

But wait, we can salvage this holiday (created by the evil greeting card companies, candy companies, and of course, the florist industry) for you to look like you know her.

  1.  Does she like to travel?  Buy her a new set of luggage…then take her on a trip to see your overbearing mother.  Did you remember to call your mom?  You didn’t, did you?
  2. She eats, right?  Then buy her a gift certificate to her favorite restaurant.  Just make sure it is some place you’ll enjoy as well.  You have to eat too, am I right?
  3. Alcohol – it’s easy and you know she likes to drink.  Skip your cheap beer and get her something she likes.  Spruge on that good bottle of Washington state wine.
  4. A Mason Jar of Flavors – grab that old Mason jar out of the recycling bin, write down some “favors/chore coupons”, and you are in business.  You can put down a coupon for a bad back rub, a free car wash, a night of bowling, you’ll empty the dishwasher, etc.  Just stack the coupons to make sure it is stuff you can handle.  Skip the “I’ll wax your moustache” coupon.  It won’t end well.
  5. Does she read? Easy gift time…Kindle.  Or even a nice, old fashion book with pages that turn.
  6. Candles – this is an easy way to burn your home down.  May I suggest you Go with those fake, battery operated candles?  Save yourself the visit from the local, good looking firefighters.  You don’t need that competition.
  7. Perfume – go and order some of her favorite perfume right now.  None of that cheap stuff.  Get the stuff you both like.
  8. Skin Care – You can’t go wrong with that anti-aging wrinkle cream.  Nothing like tellling your signficant other “Hey, you are getting old, here’s some greasy cream that hopefully helps reverse the ravishes of time.”  Oh, sure that seems like a wonderful idea.

I wish you the best of luck this Valentine’s Day.  You’ll certainly need it after reading this blog.  But it’s not too late…you still have time to find a good blog that will help you.  Quickly, exit out of this worthless advice blog.  Find somewhere that will help you find the 7 Best Valentine’s Day Gift Ideas.

You know what would make my Valentine’s Day?  You “liking” my post below.  That’ right, push the “Like” button.

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Images from www.pixabay.com

 

 

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How To Manipulate Your Spouse into Loving You Again! 8 Awesome Tips!

You’ll be pleased to know that this blog post is approved by both my wife and Mr. Whiskers.   Yet, I haven’t had a chance to ask Cyndi, my imaginary stalker, if she likes it or not.

A few of my friends will ask “Hey, how come you love your wife so much?”  Well, clearly it is because she manipulates me.   She knows what motivates me into being a better person. We all know my wife is the better half of this marriage.  No one asks me “How are you doing?”  But they always ask about her and how she is doing. (Maybe they know she is going nuts because she is married to me?).

One could argue that manipulating  your spouse is wrong, however in reality, we all do it. My wife knows exactly how to steer me in the “right” direction. Usually, her direction is the right direction (unless it interferes with Mr. Whisker’s nap time).  Is it wrong to give your spouse limited choices, that result in the correct choice?  The choice that, in the end, is the right choice?

Now the manipulation only works if that person believes in  you…or wants to believe in you.  We all want our significant other to motivate us, push us, encourage us to succeed.  We all enjoy that manipulation because it appeals to our own desire to be a winner.  You could say that our spouses motivate us, in which they do, but they manipulate us as well.

But what if our spouses had given up on us? Should we change the tables and perhaps push them back into a position we want them to be? Shouldn’t we rise up and encourage them to fall back in love with the loveable loser (that’s you dear reader) again?  Let’s look at some completely worthless advice tips that probably won’t help you with your relationship but are nevertheless the point of this blog.

Worthless Advice Tips to Manipulate Your Spouse into Loving You Again:

  1. Learn to Cook – take a good cooking class and learn how to boil water and make one amazing dish.  Or just pop something in the microwave…same thing, right?food-712665_1920
  2. Do a load of Laundry – Sure, we know you haven’t done a load of laundry since college, but this is the time to do it again.  My recommendation: use the local laundromat that offers A Full Service Drop Off Service.  I’m pretty sure you can Google that crap somewhere.laundry-saloon-567951_1920
  3. Ditch the Kids – You know your spouse is tired of watching the kids, so make the effort to pawn them off to relatives or friends for one blessed night.  One night of no whining….(well, except for your dog’s whining.)grandstand-330930_1920
  4. Spa Night – Offer your spouse a massage.  Paint their nails like a three year old at preschool.  Then promptly fall asleep…treatment-1327811_1920
  5. Vacuum – Instead of reminding your spouse the carpet looks like a herd of elk walked over it, plug in the vacuum and turn it on for them to do.  Remember to lift your feet as your spouse vacuums near you.  It’s the least you can do as you update your Facebook status about your “tough day at work”.vacuum-cleaner-657719_1920
  6. Speak Kindly – Don’t be the sassy smartass for one night…(unless you write a worthless advice blog. Then you should kind all the time because you know your worthless advice isn’t worth anything.)conversation-799448_1920.png
  7. Take Care of Your Appearance – Heck, your spouse goes out of their way to look good for you.  Return the favor by getting out of your sweatpants at least once a week, taking a shower, shaving your beard.  I know those sweatpants are comfortable…I wear mine too much.  But they do signal to the world “Hey, I’ve given up” and that’s not you, right?barber-1979440_1280
  8. Let your Spouse pick the Movie….for once…  Give in and watch the new action movie or sappy (totally unrealistic) romantic comedy… just once.  Do it for your spouse and your cat.popcorn-1085072_1920

Again thanks for stopping by and reading my “Worthless Advice Tips to Manipulate Your Spouse into Loving You Again”.  Feel free to forward this on to your friends and spouse.  Leave a few comments below…

Back to School and a Ruined Labor Day Weekend

Here in Washington State, our school kids don’t go back to school until the last week of August or the first week of September. In fact, my kids went back to school on August 28. In comparison, the Seattle School District started yesterday September 3, 2014. This makes a heck of a lot more sense than starting August 28, going to school for two days, and then having Labor Day weekend off. It puts a bitter taste on the last week of August and Labor Day. You can’t milk summer out for a bit longer. Instead, you must think of getting your kids back in time for starting school on Thursday before Labor Day weekend.

It isn’t like anything is done the first two days of school when you have Labor Day weekend right there. Everyone knows that Thursday and Friday (before the Labor Day weekend) are “throwaway” days of education. You might as well let the kids watch TV because they sure aren’t paying attention to the teachers during those two days of school.

Labor Day Weekend wasn’t ruined for me. I always have fun. This year instead of heading to Anderson Island for the three day weekend, we went camping at Sun Lakes State Park. It was a good choice because we left the rain behind. Sun Lakes is located on the eastern side of Washington, roughly three hours away from our house. While western Washington might be experiencing rain and misery, the eastern side of the state will have sunshine, rainbows, and unicorns. Well, maybe not unicorns and rainbows but you get the idea. The weather is nice. We don’t have lots of rain and huddle under blue tarps. In eastern Washington, we don’t do the “blue tarp” camping made famous on the west side of the state. In eastern Washington, you slap on the sun block (SPF 45) and a big hat

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What lurks beneath the waters of this lake?

What lurks beneath the waters of this lake?

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It's all fun and games until someone falls off the cliffs!

It’s all fun and games until someone falls off the cliffs!

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On the negative side, it was windy in the evenings and the state park was full. Truth be told, it was very windy and miserable in that respect. The first night was bad. The tent was flapping around, keeping both myself and my wife wide awake. You would drift off to sleep, and then a gust of wind would pop up and wake you up. The second night, the wind was just as bad but I wore my ear plugs and I enjoyed the evening a bit more.

Sun Lakes State Park has a few different lakes within the park boundaries. On Sunday, we hiked along the Deep Lake Trail which was about 2 to 2.5 miles round trip. It goes right along the lake and is an easy hike. There is an opportunity to do some cliff diving or jumping off the cliff edge but we didn’t do it this trip. Perhaps next time we can jump off some basalt rock cliffs into the water below, have a scary monster grab us and drag us under.

I did manage to get some swimming in Sun Lake itself with my daughter and her friend. The weather was a bit cloudy, the wind was blowing, and the water was a little colder than I would have preferred. However, it was probably going to be the last swim of summer so I toughed it out. I’m not a little baby (well, I really am but I try to act tough).

My son and I also did a twilight walk where he was almost hit by a bat. Lots of bats on the Park Lake Trail, however I can’t complain about the bats because they keep the bug population down. Go bats!

Overall, the camping trip was a good one. No flat tires, no lost sleeping bags. The drive home wasn’t too bad. I’d go again but probably opt for a RV campsite further and with less wind.

 

Thanks for reading and your comments are always welcome!

How to Make Your Husband feel Bad about having a Blog

The other day, my wife pointed out that one of her classmates from high school was a writer and had a blog.  She mentioned that I should read it because it was not like my blog, that it was “uplifting”.  Ouch!

She also told me she doesn’t read my blog.  Double Ouch!

I enjoy mentioning this story to everyone I know because it is an excellent example of when your best client might not be your friends and family.

Certainly, some of your best clients will be people you know such as friends and family members.  However, most likely your best customers will be people who are not related to you but respect you because you do an awesome job.  They somehow discover that you are more than a stick in the mud and will get the job done and will make them happy.

My wife informed me years ago that she wouldn’t work for me because she says I’m too intense.  That doesn’t hurt my feelings in the least bit.  I also know she doesn’t do the best job for me as she could do.  She does an awesome job for everyone else but me.  What is the difference?  Why do I get average business support?

Marriage is the difference.  I know if I screw up, my wife loves me no matter what.  I also know that if I’m late, she might be mad but in the end, she loves me and knows that me being late isn’t that big of a deal.  Again, I know she’ll be pissed off but in the end she loves me.  And when she makes a mistake, I know that I can tease her about it for years to come.  We both know that that after 17 years of marriage, this is what you get.  Baby, if you wanted to end it, then you should have done it a long time ago.

We complain about each other (of course she says she never says anything bad about me but I know she has a lot to complain about.  Seriously, she is married to me!).  Every couple has there ups and downs and we are no different than any other normal couple.  If a couple says they have no problems, they are lying or one of the members is a dishrag.  Everyone has disagreements.  Claiming you get along all the time is you denying who you really are.  You are a liar.

Oh, did I hurt your feelings with that last statement?  Good.  Come to grips with reality.  If you love someone, they make a mistake, it happens.  Forgive them and move on.  If your life as a couple is so awful, then it is time to move on.  Cut your losses.

I read a lot of different types of blogs.  And if you were a good foller you’d know this, right?  I follow blogs that range  from ex-spouse horror stories, to dating horror stories of twenty somethings, to miniature horse advice stories (seriously…now that is some good stuff!).  If you want to become a great writer, you need to read a wide variety of different stories, blogs, novels, to know what is god writing and what is really bad.

Keep in mind, that I’m not a great writer or a marriage/couples counselor so my advice might be labeled as “worthless advice”.  Or perhaps it is advice that is so true to your heart you just don’t want to listen to it?

So if you were reading this blog for some worthless advice then I probably failed you greatly.  If you read this blog because I write about the truth, then you should be delighted with the reading experience.  The knowledge I have bestowed on you should keep you going for years (or at least days) to come.

As always, your comments are welcome as long as I love them.  Who are we kidding?  I’m a whore for comments….keep them coming and hit that “LIKE” button too!  Make me feel important and prove my wife that I do have some followers besides Cyndi my Imaginary Stalker!

 

School Conferences

Ah, school conference half days are here and the kids are getting dismissed from school a whole three hours earlier than normal.  Yippee!  I get a whole three extra hours of fighting and disagreement among my loving children.  You don’t really know the joy of parenting until you heard the click of the car door shutting and the immediate start-up of the bickering and fighting.  The whining…let’s not forget the whining.  Music to a deaf man’s ears!

Now my darling wife insists that I am being punished for all my misdeeds and minor disagreements I had with my sister and brother over the years.  At least I didn’t sit on little brother and try to squeeze the last breath out of him, almost ending his life but I digress to a simpler time.  A simpler time of attempts to kill your sister with a well placed shove or a minor psychological torture of your brother warmed your heart.  Wasn’t it fun to tell your younger siblings that they were adopted?  The look of panic in their face as they realize they might be returned to the orphanage at anytime.

Hmm, such fond memories come flooding back whenever I hear the fighting in the backseat (remember young folk can’t sit in the front because of air bags.  Some might say I’m a bit of an airbag but let’s get back to the topic on hand).

Whoa, not another whining blog about my whining kids or my whining about them or me being a whiner…let’s stay positive..it’s an upbeat blog, right?

Now Cyndi (my former imaginary stalker but now appears to be real stalker) would probably agree that kids are the best part of parenthood.  Well, unless your son grows up to be a loser, can’t hold down a job, doesn’t know how to flush a toilet or use a toothbrush, and lives in an alterative reality where lying is an acceptable form of communication.

Parenthood, the breakfast of the narcissistic man!

 

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