March 20, 2017
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Spring is here! Besides the insane amount of rain we have received in the last three weeks, spring is here and we are all happy! Pretty flowers and the smell of cleaning products are in the air. With the arrival of Spring, one should focus on the “cleaning” part of “Spring Cleaning”.
But what should you do to jump start your Spring Cleaning adventures? Oh, and you know it will be an adventure with all the worthless crap you have stuffed into your hall closet. Like a trip down memory lane (and a STD), all the forgotten items will appear once again! Your old caveman costume, your President Trump facemask, your skateboard from junior high, and your goals and dreams that you have forgotten; they can all be found in various storage bins under your stairs.
The best advice is to…wait, we never follow the best advice…we follow the worthless advice!
- Before you begin cleaning, it is a great idea to learn all about cleaning! So surf the internet and watch as many cleaning videos you can find. With a quick search of YouTube, I’m sure you’ll waste away hours (if not days) of time that you could have devoted to cleaning!
Learn all you can about cleaning on the internet becaus
- To Save Money, borrow cleaning items from your neighbor. This saves you a trip to the store and saves you money. You can use almost all of their Pine Sol cleaner. Remember to leave a little in the bottle when you return it. Don’t be selfish.
- Get the family involved with “Prison Cleaning Crew” game! This game involves telling your kids they have been found guilty in a court of law and now must do community service. Sure, your kids are “probably” innocent of their crimes, but this shows them that if they could have afforded a better lawyer, they could have gotten off scot-free.
- Declutter – Throw it all out…bills, love letters from Beth, and credit card offers are all going to the recycling bin. She broke your heart once, you don’t need those love letters causing you to rethink your new relationship with your cat Mindi. Mindi is prefect for you, she loves you. Did Beth really love you? No, she didn’t. If she did, she would have stayed instead of running off with that rich Columbian drug lord.
- Skip the Broom…use your Leaf Blower instead. Sweeping out the kitchen takes too long, just grab that leaf blower, open the patio door, and let the dust, cat hair, and winter depression get blown right outside.
- Nuke your sponges! If you like to think your sponges are clean; they aren’t. Nuke them in the microwave for two minutes. If they still misbehave, throw them in the clothes dryer for 15 minutes. I can’t promise the microwave won’t report back to the government what you are doing but I’m pretty sure the clothes dryer is part of the resistance. You can talk to the dryer, trust the dryer, the dryer is your friend.
- Windows – just close your blinds or drapes. See? You don’t see how dirty they are, do you?
- Lightbulbs – replace those bright lightbulbs with low-watt ones. The darker the room, the less you notice the clutter and grime.
- Sell and/or give all your worthless crap on Craig’s List. Remember, Craig’s List isn’t for meeting serial killers and your next “date”, it can also be use for free trash removal. You slap a “FREE” sign on any Craig’s List post and it will be gone that day. If the item is heavy, say you have a bad back and the new owners will carry it out themselves.
There is even a National Spring Cleaning week from March 12-17…oh wait, that already happened and technically spring doesn’t officially start until March 20…but you are still too late. Just wait until next year to do your spring cleaning! Just like you gave up on your hopes and desires years ago, you should give up on Spring Cleaning now.
March 10, 2017
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Well, I have no helpful writing tips for you and your upcoming bestselling novel. This is my worthless advice blog, remember? If you want some helpful tips, you might as well just click over to someone who is helpful like: Jenna Morcci. She’s an author/writer/blogger I stumbled upon, while I was watching YouTube. Before you judge me, my YouTube viewing is called “research.” While I was “researching” something…. (Truth be told, you know I was wasting time with Mr. Whiskers by my side, trying to figure out something on YouTube when Jenna Morcci’s writing videos came into my feed).
Let’s get to the point….She is hilarious! Well crafted videos that are a bit sarcastic, but helpful on writing. She’s informative, delightful, and has some great writing points. Hmm, she could be more helpful than my worthless advice blog and that could be dangerous. Perhaps, she could be my arch enemy? Nah, that would involve me thinking too much of plot lines, character development, and how to write more than two sentences together and thus make something worthwhile. One of my favorite videos is at the end of this post.
To combat her cleverness, I probably should throw together a witty list of “How to Write a Novel” tips. Here goes my worthless advice tips list that won’t help you at all:
- Write in a Safe Space. Yes, go to your safe space. This could be an extra room in your house, under the stairs, the local coffee shop, or the pub down the street (see item #2).
- Consume large quantities of alcohol. All the great, successful writer were drunks. Why should you be any different? Drink up! You could even have a signature drink!
- Play music appropriate to your writing style. Feeling romantic? Play some love songs. Your story takes place at an all night rave? Throw on some EMD trance music.
- Read. Heck, you can’t write if you don’t read. Read your genre or just read the classics. Just don’t sit around and do nothing. Pick up that Kindle and read!
- Soak in a Hot Tub – this is a wonderful way to relax, brainstorm, and not write. You are in a hot tub, how could you write anything down?
- Surf the internet. Remember I said not to sit around and do nothing? Well, start surfing that internet and enjoy learning about how to snowboard in New Zealand. It won’t help you write but you might end up with a great storyline, a blog post, or a new place to visit.
- Watch YouTube videos. This is an awesome way to learn a new skill…how to change out a wheel bearing, how to paint your house, how to waste time watching You Tube videos about how to be successful. It’s always just a big circle; watch a video and never write that next great American novel.
- Play with your cat! What can you distract you more than your cat? So cute, so cuddling. It makes you want to watch cute cat videos on YouTube! Am I right? You know I am.
- Chat with your Imaginary Stalker Cyndi -You know you haven’t been paying enough attention to Cyndi and she doesn’t like that. She will get you back….and she is your #1 fan!
Luckily, I know none of these tips will help you to become a better writer. I know they won’t help you doing anything that moves you along to becoming successful, or happy, or the pride of your family.
Here’s a link to Jenna’s videos. If you like a snarky attitude, you like to write, and you think I might actually have some good advice for you, just click on her video! I don’t get paid to say how much I enjoy her videos, but she is pretty funny. She should at least take me out to dinner for all of the web traffic my blog will be sending her…. No, I’m not in love with her…. (my wife will roll her eyes when she reads this part…). Until Jenna comments on my blog….I bid you a fond farewell.
February 14, 2017
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Images courtesy of pixabay.com
Well, I totally forgot to wish my imaginary stalker Cyndi a “Happy Valentine’s Day” to her and I’m sure I’ll be paying the price. At least Mr. Whiskers and my wife will be happy that I remembered them this year. But poor imaginary stalker Cyndi was left out.
As a kid, I hated Valentine’s Day at school. We were forced to buy corny Valentines and pass them out to the kids in our class. You wasted half a day (of valuable education time, might I mention), coloring your valentine’s box (mailbox for your valentines) so other students could toss them in with the same care as you reserve for throwing out an used napkin.
I was a shy kid and I’m sure other students thought I was the strange kid in the class. Perhaps I wasn’t as strange as the “Horse Girl” (she thought she was a horse and would neigh and gallop around the playground, but on the plus side, she kept the lawn trimed nicely). And I didn’t smell like that one kid with the messy desk in the back row. But nevertheless, I’m sure other kids made fun of me because, heck, I’m a shy dork.
Happy Valentine’s Day to all the other, poor schmuck kids that get stuck in this holiday torture. So small children, I wish you the best during this day of candy and fake love, may you grow up unscarred by the education system of today.
February 7, 2017
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You’ll be pleased to know that this blog post is approved by both my wife and Mr. Whiskers. Yet, I haven’t had a chance to ask Cyndi, my imaginary stalker, if she likes it or not.
A few of my friends will ask “Hey, how come you love your wife so much?” Well, clearly it is because she manipulates me. She knows what motivates me into being a better person. We all know my wife is the better half of this marriage. No one asks me “How are you doing?” But they always ask about her and how she is doing. (Maybe they know she is going nuts because she is married to me?).
One could argue that manipulating your spouse is wrong, however in reality, we all do it. My wife knows exactly how to steer me in the “right” direction. Usually, her direction is the right direction (unless it interferes with Mr. Whisker’s nap time). Is it wrong to give your spouse limited choices, that result in the correct choice? The choice that, in the end, is the right choice?
Now the manipulation only works if that person believes in you…or wants to believe in you. We all want our significant other to motivate us, push us, encourage us to succeed. We all enjoy that manipulation because it appeals to our own desire to be a winner. You could say that our spouses motivate us, in which they do, but they manipulate us as well.
But what if our spouses had given up on us? Should we change the tables and perhaps push them back into a position we want them to be? Shouldn’t we rise up and encourage them to fall back in love with the loveable loser (that’s you dear reader) again? Let’s look at some completely worthless advice tips that probably won’t help you with your relationship but are nevertheless the point of this blog.
Worthless Advice Tips to Manipulate Your Spouse into Loving You Again:
- Learn to Cook – take a good cooking class and learn how to boil water and make one amazing dish. Or just pop something in the microwave…same thing, right?
- Do a load of Laundry – Sure, we know you haven’t done a load of laundry since college, but this is the time to do it again. My recommendation: use the local laundromat that offers A Full Service Drop Off Service. I’m pretty sure you can Google that crap somewhere.
- Ditch the Kids – You know your spouse is tired of watching the kids, so make the effort to pawn them off to relatives or friends for one blessed night. One night of no whining….(well, except for your dog’s whining.)
- Spa Night – Offer your spouse a massage. Paint their nails like a three year old at preschool. Then promptly fall asleep…
- Vacuum – Instead of reminding your spouse the carpet looks like a herd of elk walked over it, plug in the vacuum and turn it on for them to do. Remember to lift your feet as your spouse vacuums near you. It’s the least you can do as you update your Facebook status about your “tough day at work”.
- Speak Kindly – Don’t be the sassy smartass for one night…(unless you write a worthless advice blog. Then you should kind all the time because you know your worthless advice isn’t worth anything.)
- Take Care of Your Appearance – Heck, your spouse goes out of their way to look good for you. Return the favor by getting out of your sweatpants at least once a week, taking a shower, shaving your beard. I know those sweatpants are comfortable…I wear mine too much. But they do signal to the world “Hey, I’ve given up” and that’s not you, right?
- Let your Spouse pick the Movie….for once… Give in and watch the new action movie or sappy (totally unrealistic) romantic comedy… just once. Do it for your spouse and your cat.
Again thanks for stopping by and reading my “Worthless Advice Tips to Manipulate Your Spouse into Loving You Again”. Feel free to forward this on to your friends and spouse. Leave a few comments below…
January 6, 2015
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Do you sometimes put yourself on the back burner? Does your family come first at the sacrifice of your own well being?
I’ve noticed that a lot of people are making the commitment to lose weight and improve their health. I’m in the same boat. I’m working on dropping weight and trimming down. I want to be selfish and feel better about myself. But is it really being selfish?
You don’t get into shape only for yourself. You get back into shape for your loved ones. You do it for your spouse, your kids, your family. You want to be healthy so you can be with them for years to come, to drive them nuts and crazy with your oddness, your creativity, your love.
So be a little selfish. Do something for yourself that will benefit you and your family. It can anything: working out, reading a self help book, painting a photo, whatever. Just do a little selfish act that makes you happy and helps you improve your well being. Because when you are happy, your family will be happy.
Thanks for reading!