Kevin Hellriegel's Blog of Worthless Advice

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Tag Archives: friends

How to distance yourself from Family & Friends – Your Worthless Advice Tips

Ah, social media…isn’t it fun?  Social media is the prefect way for you to avoid your family and friends.  Why should you meet them in person when you can just do all of your social interactions online?  Remember, all that matters in life now is how many “likes” you get and how many “Oh, I’m so jealous of your life” comments you receive.

Distance Yourself: If you had any friends, this is a wonderful way to keep them a good distance away from beach-1869523_1920.jpgyou.  Remember when you liked to see people in person and interact with them?  No more.  Instead of meeting with them at the local bar, just post a photo of your drink.  Make sure the drink is artistically placed and the background is out of focus.  Preferable you have a tropical background so you get lots of “likes”.

Meeting up with friends in person is so overrated.  Stick to drinking at home.  By yourself.  On your couch.

What about family and seeing them during the holidays?  Oh, the dreaded holidays where you are forced to see your relatives for once or twice a year and pretend you like to hear the story about their cat, Mr. Pickles.  (Mr. Pickles is nothing compared to my  Mr. Whiskers…but we all know that and I’m getting off subject here).  How do you deal with your relatives when you are stuck there with them?

Easy…sit on the couch and check your phone every 15 seconds. beer-422138_1920.jpg I mean, you drove all the way over to your Aunt’s house, why actually be “there”.  Your body can be there but in reality, we all know that looking at your social media accounts are much more important that actually talking with your relatives.  Who cares about that awesome Thanksgiving dinner?  Who cares that this might be the last time you see Uncle Milton?  (Who really cares about Uncle Milton anyway…you aren’t included in his will).

Post as many photos of the gathering you can so it looks like you are having fun.  Remember, social media is here to make others feel bad.  You need to make it look like your family gathering is much more fun and exciting than your friend Sarah.  (Not that you’ll actually ever see Sarah again since you are going to never physically see her again.)  Be sure to add a bunch of fun filters to the images as well.

Bonus Worthless Advice Tip: Always have your headphones on.  Listen to some electronic dance music.

Heck, it’s Friday night….time to ignore your co-workers and sit on your phone.  Scroll through Instagram, Facebook, Twitter….those are where the real social interactions are happening!

Enjoy your weekend!  To make your life easier, just click on the like button below.  Make my social media day…and if you want to comment, please go ahead.  Make sure your comment makes me jealous that your life is so much better than mine.  Thanks…go ahead, make me feel bad.

 

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Learn How to Make One Cocktail Drink – Your Signature Drink…

cocktail-518712_1920Everyone once and a while, I get out of my cave and have a nice evening out.  This to could be to a friend’s house for dinner, maybe a show, or even a fantastic dinner with my wife.  Depending on the season, I will try a new cocktail drink to broaden my otherwise quite dull drinking range.

And when I do that, I might come across a new “signature drink” I’ll try for the season.  A couple of winters ago, it was the Candy Cane Martini.  During an early summer fundraising party, my friend Mark made amazing Lemon Drops for the attendees and that became a summer favorite.  Vodka Lemonades remind me of camping on the Columbia River at Lincoln Rock State Park with friends and family, so those were popular one summer.

However, my “go to” drink is the Manhattan.  Easy to make and not too difficult to master.  And one of my favorites because it reminds me of my cousin Stephen and New York City.  (Here’s the point when you should be hearing some sappy music and a tear should come to your eye as I take you down my memory lane….)alcohol-MANHATTAN.jpg

What is your “Signature Cocktail Drink”?  What one drink can you make and be know for?  Does it bring you back to a certain time or memory?

 

Don’t Give Up Coffee! Give up your expensive, fattening Coffee Drink!

With all the New Year’s Resolutions flying around, the one resolution that particular bothers me is: People giving up drinking coffee. I understand people want to get healthier. But why deny yourself something so wonderful as coffee? That wonderful drink that helps you get through the day?  That old pal that helps you stay awake?  The drink that allows you to bond with your co-workers while complaining about your boss?  Why give up on that old friend?

I know you think giving up coffee is a good time…I understand you want to be true to your New Year’s Resolutions.  However, may I make a suggestion?  Load up that cup of coffee with all the bad stuff you can find.  Make that cup of coffee the worst possible drink out there (this is exactly what Starbucks does) and then give it up.

Heck, the coffee isn’t the bad part….just think about a “coffee drink” from Starbucks.  That is what is bad.

Think about it for a  minute.  Take a wonderful cup of coffee…

Add loads of sugar (or honey…cane sugar…sweetner)

…add in some whole milk or maybe even some nice half-and-half

…make that into a coffee drink (because it really isn’t a cup of coffee anymore is it?)

and now give it up.  Give up all that bad stuff that you have come to love in your coffee.  That will make you feel better about that silly New Year’s Resolution you made in the heat of a New Year’s Eve’s moment (when you were weak because your old pal coffee wasn’t there).  You know you wouldn’t have made that resolution on New Year’s Day in the morning at breakfast.  No, you made that resolution the night before when you were with our casual friend “Alcohol”.

Sure you and Alcohol go way back, don’t you?  But Alcohol isn’t with you every day.  Do you know who is?  Coffee.

Old Alcohol was trying to get you to ditch your true friend Coffee.  Don’t ditch Coffee.  Alcohol only comes to hang out during the fun events like football games and birthday parties.  Coffee is there, day in and day out.  Don’t substitute a sure thing with something that only likes to party once in a while with you.

Of course, it isn’t too bad when alcohol and coffee get together at the same time to party with you.  A nice cold Sunday afternoon with your two pals Coffee and Alcohol makes a wonderful end to a weekend.  They get along perfectly and they make the weekend a blast.

Special thanks to Nick over at Nick’s Blog for this post idea…

Image from Flickr.com

Image from Flickr.com

Father Daughter Roller Coaster Adverture Trip

Last week, I took my 11 year old daughter on a nice Father-Daughter trip to California for about six days for a Roller Coaster Ride Trip.  She is the only one in the family that enjoys the rollercoasters and other scary thrill rides that you find at the amusement parks.  I personally like the roller coasters the most.  My least favorite amusement park rides are the drop zone rides.

Sure...some of us were having fun!

Sure…some of us were having fun!

Discovery Kindgdom

The drop zone rides are the ones that go up 100, 200, 300, whatever feet into the air and drop you.  You are strapped in with a metal roll bar seat and there is no chance of falling out.  That still doesn’t calm me.  They hoist you in the air vertically straight up with your feet dangling.  At the top, they allow you to enjoy the view for a few seconds allowing just enough time for you to tell yourself “Hey, this isn’t so bad….” Then you free fall down rapidly (it is gravity after all) and come to a fairly gentle stop at the bottom.  I just don’t like them.

My second least favorite rides are swinging and/or spinning rides.  They don’t scare me but they do make me sick if they go too long.  I can handle the inverted rolls on a roller coaster but the swinging back and forth motion doesn’t agree with my stomach as at all.

I enjoy the roller coaster and I lean towards the thrill of the tight ride of the metal coasters.  I will ride wooden coasters but I feel I’m bouncing around a little too much to be really comfortable.  Don’t get me wrong; if it is a roller coaster or a thrill ride I’m up for it.

We left Saturday February 15 and flew into Sacramento.  We have some friends that moved down there a few years back and it was an excellent visit with them.  We drove over to Vallejo, CA and went to Six Flag’s Discovery Kingdom Theme park.  Some of the exhibits were not open (like the water rides) but this was fine for us.  The weather report said rain but we ended up with sunshine and pleasant temperatures in the 70s.

This park wasn’t bad and we didn’t have long crazy lines due to the time of year.  I’m not too interested in the animal side of the park which didn’t appear to be running too many shows.  Get out of my way; I’m here for the thrill rides.  Our favorite ride at Discovery Kingdom was Medusa with the Superman ride coming in a close second.  On Medusa, if you can sit in the front, it is definitely worth it.  I think Superman was overall awesome and all seats are pretty enjoyable.

Superman Ride at Discovery Kingdom

Superman Ride at Discovery Kingdom

In my next blog, I’ll talk more about our vacation trip and bore you to tears.  I’m assuming my readership will rapidly drop off and I’ll be writing an online diary to myself than a blog for the masses.  At least I’ll always have my imaginary stalker Cyndi to read my blog.
Good bye for now Discovery Kingdom

The 10 Best Bad Parenting Tips!

It is so easy to dispense great parenting advice when you are an awesome parent like me.  However, it is a harder to teach others how to be bad parents.  Frankly, most people don’t listen to my great advice.  Keep in mind: parenting is a lifetime commitment that haunts you for the rest of your life.  Unless your kids turn out to be awesome and without any character flaws, you will most likely have them in your life forever.

That means that with some bad parenting, you can enjoy the journey of parenting  It’s not the destination; it’s the journey that is so darn fun!

10. Don’t Follow Through on Anything!

You don’t want your kids to think you (or anyone else) are reliable.  Empty promises are a surefire way to make your kids understand that the world is an unreliable place.  This gives them a head’s up that when the cable company says that they will be there in morning; that really means you’ll be lucky if they show up by 8 pm that evening.  Sure, take a whole day off from work and enjoy a wasted day waiting for your imaginary cable guy.  At least you can catch up on your Dr. Phil episodes.

9. Don’t Set Limits

Limits are for parents that want to shelter their kids from the pains of failure.  Your kids should be allowed to know that if they screw up; well it isn’t your fault.  How are they going to learn if you limit their creativity?  And if you set limits you might have to enforce these limits.  Jeez, that just makes more work for you.  You are a busy parent; you don’t need extra work on top of your yoga and latte schedule; that is just ridiculous.

8. Don’t be Flexible on Anything!

Sometimes you have to be flexible to be a good parent…nah, I’m kidding.  Never budge on anything.  If you give in on anything or if you are flexible on anything…well, you might as well give up your kids to foster care.  If plans change; too bad! So what if your kid is getting an Outstanding Student of the Quarter Award.  If it is during your favorite TV show; be firm on your schedule and don’t go.  It’s not like you’ll be able to see that show later!

7. Don’t Give in to Being a Good Parent

You’ll get a lot of pressure from your family and friends to be a good parent.  They’ll offer advice (most of it worthless advice) about how you need to “step up your game as a parent”.  Sure, their kids are doctors, lawyers, and other productive members of society…but what does that really prove?  If you are a father, you are even more important to a child’s life.  However, that isn’t going to stop you from hanging out at the football field reliving the glory years and drinking beer behind the bleachers.

6. Make Sure Your Kids Know Who is Boss!

Kids these days run all over their parents.  They are bossy and disrespectful.  You should tell them right off the bat that you are “The Boss”.  As soon as your wife/girlfriend is pregnant you should be telling your unborn child that you are the boss.  Whisper to them that they need to change their diapers at three months old you won’t be taking care of them forever.  You aren’t raising slackers!

5. Use Fear and Intimidation

If it works for 3rd World Dictators; it will work for you too!  If that kid of yours didn’t bother listen to you in the womb, now is the time to introduce fear and intimidate to their plate of feelings.  Allow them to taste how it will be like later in life when they meet the neighborhood bully.  You yelling and scaring him prepares him for what it will be like at school when the really bullies push him down and take his lunch money.

4. Never Be a Friend to Your Kid

If you are a friend to your kid, you make him a loser.  How is he going to make any friends if his parents are nice to him?  Instead, make sure to be mean and cruel.  This will allow him to have something in common with his peers.  He needs a good bonding point.  Nothing makes kids bond together faster than when they can whine about how “unfair” their parents are.  Usually this bonding occurs as they update their Facebook status on the Smartphone their parents gave them.

3. Always Comparing and Criticize

You know what made America great?  It is our ability to whine and complain about how our siblings were treated better than us.  If you don’t compare and criticize your kids, how are you going to make them competitive players in today’s business world?  Are they going to know that only the favorite child is going to win?  Sure, some of the experts out there want you to think that criticizing and public shaming leads to depression and low self esteem.  But we know what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, right?

2. Don’t Do Anything for your Kids

Do you want your kids to be crybabies?  Are you going to wipe their noses in high school?  Are you going to do their federal income taxes when they are 29 years old?  You think I might be a bit extreme.  But if you help them tie their shoes, you might as well do their do their taxes.  Oh, could you let them live in your basement until they are 40 years old too?  Thanks!  Seriously, let them learn early that having a home cooked meal by your Mom is so phony.  Point to the cupboard and the fridge and say: Have at It!

1. Don’t Pay Attention to Them

Let your nanny or daycare provider shower your kids with love; that is what you pay them for.  Really, have you seen the rates they charge?  They should be paying you for allowing them the opportunity to care for your child and experience the miracle of childcare.  If you pay attention to your kids you are making them think that they will always deserve your attention.  Well, they don’t.  If you pay attention to them, they will think everyone will pay attention to them.  That’s just plain crazy talk.  You want your kids to feel like no one cares; that everyone is just mean and cruel, just like you!

By now, you should have learned that being a parent is hard to do.  Stop trying so hard.  You can’t make water run uphill and you can’t be a good parent overnight.  So don’t even try.  If you have some worthless advice or comments you’d like to share, please leave them below.  They can’t be any worse than my worthless parenting advice.

The $85.99 Chili Cheese Fries

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The $85.99 Chili Cheese Fries.

Last night due to poor time management skills, I spent $85.99 on Chili Cheese Fries.  Allow me to share in my stupidity, yet educate you on a few things about allowing yourself time to travel somewhere, parking, and how long it takes to get your food order.

About six months ago, my wife was inspired by her friend Teri on the ways to celebrate one’s big 40th birthday.

Teri decided to do something special every month for her husband’s upcoming 40th birthday.  One month, it was a trip to the Crystal Mountain for a dinner, another month was a trip to Victoria B.C., etc.

Well, it is too late for us to celebrate our 40th birthdays, however, we can celebrate 20 years being together as a couple.  We have a few fun events planned like small short overnight trips to Portland, Oregon, a musical here and there, a family event, etc.  For example, last month, we saw “Wicked” and this month we were going to see a play at the University of Washington’s Drama Department’s Meany Studio Theater.

Fast forward to last night, where we left in plenty of time to arrive at the show but not enough time to sit down at a restaurant and have dinner.  We parked the car but I was lazy and didn’t get a parking sticker.  Heck, we were going to be there for 20 minutes and I didn’t see the City of Seattle’s parking permit kiosk (around the corner, nowhere close to where we parked).  That was a $44 parking ticket, our chili cheese fries were $5.99, and then we managed to miss the beginning of the play (no late seating) so there goes $36 for tickets.  I could throw in the cost of fuel if I wanted to pour more salt into the wound.

I know better.  As my friend Dan says “It seemed like a good idea at the time!”.  That is the whole problem with the $85.99 Chili Cheese Fries adventure.  My laziness and poor planning made a $5.99 food item into a $49.99 item and then into an $85.99 item.

Today I’m hoping to buy a pack of gum $1.59 into $96 item.  Wish me luck!

Talk about a pathetic blog….

Let’s face it…my blog is boring and the only other losers paying any attention to it are the guys trying to get me to visit their blog site. I mean, really who is going to follow the exploits of me?

Uh, today, I got up brushed my teeth, ate some breakfast, had some coffee, etc. Oh yeah. Exciting. Be still my beating heart, this blog is just too amazing!

Anyway, for the two people following my blog (thanks Grandma and the prison inmate in Alabama), I finished the patio in the front of the house AND managed to take 1.09 tons of trash to the dump today. My little Ford Ranger Pick up was a low rider and we looked like the Clampetts mowing from one end of the valley to the other.

The front yard is coming together and at the end of June, I’ll be going after the deck repairs and enhancements.

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