It is so easy to dispense great parenting advice when you are an awesome parent like me. However, it is a harder to teach others how to be bad parents. Frankly, most people don’t listen to my great advice. Keep in mind: parenting is a lifetime commitment that haunts you for the rest of your life. Unless your kids turn out to be awesome and without any character flaws, you will most likely have them in your life forever.
That means that with some bad parenting, you can enjoy the journey of parenting It’s not the destination; it’s the journey that is so darn fun!
10. Don’t Follow Through on Anything!
You don’t want your kids to think you (or anyone else) are reliable. Empty promises are a surefire way to make your kids understand that the world is an unreliable place. This gives them a head’s up that when the cable company says that they will be there in morning; that really means you’ll be lucky if they show up by 8 pm that evening. Sure, take a whole day off from work and enjoy a wasted day waiting for your imaginary cable guy. At least you can catch up on your Dr. Phil episodes.
9. Don’t Set Limits
Limits are for parents that want to shelter their kids from the pains of failure. Your kids should be allowed to know that if they screw up; well it isn’t your fault. How are they going to learn if you limit their creativity? And if you set limits you might have to enforce these limits. Jeez, that just makes more work for you. You are a busy parent; you don’t need extra work on top of your yoga and latte schedule; that is just ridiculous.
8. Don’t be Flexible on Anything!
Sometimes you have to be flexible to be a good parent…nah, I’m kidding. Never budge on anything. If you give in on anything or if you are flexible on anything…well, you might as well give up your kids to foster care. If plans change; too bad! So what if your kid is getting an Outstanding Student of the Quarter Award. If it is during your favorite TV show; be firm on your schedule and don’t go. It’s not like you’ll be able to see that show later!
7. Don’t Give in to Being a Good Parent
You’ll get a lot of pressure from your family and friends to be a good parent. They’ll offer advice (most of it worthless advice) about how you need to “step up your game as a parent”. Sure, their kids are doctors, lawyers, and other productive members of society…but what does that really prove? If you are a father, you are even more important to a child’s life. However, that isn’t going to stop you from hanging out at the football field reliving the glory years and drinking beer behind the bleachers.
6. Make Sure Your Kids Know Who is Boss!
Kids these days run all over their parents. They are bossy and disrespectful. You should tell them right off the bat that you are “The Boss”. As soon as your wife/girlfriend is pregnant you should be telling your unborn child that you are the boss. Whisper to them that they need to change their diapers at three months old you won’t be taking care of them forever. You aren’t raising slackers!
5. Use Fear and Intimidation
If it works for 3rd World Dictators; it will work for you too! If that kid of yours didn’t bother listen to you in the womb, now is the time to introduce fear and intimidate to their plate of feelings. Allow them to taste how it will be like later in life when they meet the neighborhood bully. You yelling and scaring him prepares him for what it will be like at school when the really bullies push him down and take his lunch money.
4. Never Be a Friend to Your Kid
If you are a friend to your kid, you make him a loser. How is he going to make any friends if his parents are nice to him? Instead, make sure to be mean and cruel. This will allow him to have something in common with his peers. He needs a good bonding point. Nothing makes kids bond together faster than when they can whine about how “unfair” their parents are. Usually this bonding occurs as they update their Facebook status on the Smartphone their parents gave them.
3. Always Comparing and Criticize
You know what made America great? It is our ability to whine and complain about how our siblings were treated better than us. If you don’t compare and criticize your kids, how are you going to make them competitive players in today’s business world? Are they going to know that only the favorite child is going to win? Sure, some of the experts out there want you to think that criticizing and public shaming leads to depression and low self esteem. But we know what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, right?
2. Don’t Do Anything for your Kids
Do you want your kids to be crybabies? Are you going to wipe their noses in high school? Are you going to do their federal income taxes when they are 29 years old? You think I might be a bit extreme. But if you help them tie their shoes, you might as well do their do their taxes. Oh, could you let them live in your basement until they are 40 years old too? Thanks! Seriously, let them learn early that having a home cooked meal by your Mom is so phony. Point to the cupboard and the fridge and say: Have at It!
1. Don’t Pay Attention to Them
Let your nanny or daycare provider shower your kids with love; that is what you pay them for. Really, have you seen the rates they charge? They should be paying you for allowing them the opportunity to care for your child and experience the miracle of childcare. If you pay attention to your kids you are making them think that they will always deserve your attention. Well, they don’t. If you pay attention to them, they will think everyone will pay attention to them. That’s just plain crazy talk. You want your kids to feel like no one cares; that everyone is just mean and cruel, just like you!
By now, you should have learned that being a parent is hard to do. Stop trying so hard. You can’t make water run uphill and you can’t be a good parent overnight. So don’t even try. If you have some worthless advice or comments you’d like to share, please leave them below. They can’t be any worse than my worthless parenting advice.