I thought I’d get a jump on wishing you all a Happy New Year. As you know, I totally biffed the 2020 Christmas greetings. Like a 48 year old former skateboard champion that is fat and out of shape; I crashed and burned on the halfpipe of life and forgot to really doing a nice holiday greetings to my dear readers. I can feel your disappointment.
Now I’m trying to make amends for my lack of enthusiasm during the holidays with this blog post. As you all know, I have already discussed in a previous post how I don’t belief in New Year’s Resolutions for myself. However, I’m still here to help you because we all know that YOU really need help.
My wonderful attitude of helping others may have brushed off onto my daughter and that is going to be a problem for me. She is set on making New Year’s resolutions and making new goals for everyone (which includes me). Jeez, if you thought I was annoying with my life coaching, you should meet her. I can’t help every former Boeing employee find their own direction and purpose in their retired life, but I can help the one slacker I know in Arizona with my worthless advice. (Poor bastard is adrift…he’s lucky to have me.)
My daughter has adopted that awesome Life Coach attitude but her focus is ME. I’m in trouble.
She wants me to exercise more (I’m already doing that), she wants me to do positive affirmations and tell myself I’m young and healthy (I’m not), and to limit my alcohol intake (I’ve run out of whiskey so that won’t be a problem).
All noble goals to be taken seriously. And you know how serious I am.
However, using New Year’s as an excuse to create a reason to be better is a foolish endeavor. You should always be trying to improve yourself throughout the year. Why wait for this special day? And on top of all this, you end up failing and the next thing you know, January is the month of all your personal failures. Ew. No thanks. If I’m going to fail, it is going to be a year round event! Why limit it to a single month? I want to be a failure all the time.
Enjoy your private New Year’s Eve Party at home and think of all the things you aren’t going to change because it is a New Year. Instead, think of all the things you will be improving throughout the year. And when you fail, that is OK, you’ll still have eleven other months to try again and fail again.
I recently finished watching a comedy show on Netflix and came to the conclusion that I’m pretty much a failure. Yup, hop on the loser train, because the next stop is disappointment and resentment.
Now, most husbands would surmise that their life isn’t that bad. You might have a spouse that also works so you have a duel income. I’m sure you have decent cars, a fairly nice house, and the school down the street your kids attend isn’t that bad. Maybe your kids give you a hug once in a while. As a husband, overall, it looks like a fairly normal life. You listen to your wife and kids about 36-45% of the time, you don’t have any feelings so they can’t hurt you, and you remember most of the important dates you should know (birthdays, anniversaries, etc.). Yet, if we talked to the wives and kids of these husbands (yes, I’m talking about your wife and kids), we would hear a much different tale. We would hear a story of broken dreams, shattered promises, and unfulfilled desires.
Now let’s take those results back to the clueless husband and fathers (again this means you), you would learn that you (as the supposed breadwinner) are an utter failure. If reality TV has taught us anything (and it has taught us a lot), you should be a much better person than you are. How can Dr. Phil and Oprah be wrong?
But are men the ones to blame? Certainyl as a woman, you should have been smarter and married the guy with higher earning potential, a happier attitude, and a better understanding of how you work. You should have seen that your life wasn’t going to turn out the way you thought it would. Would you have switched out the train engine at the roundhouse if you knew what your life was going to be like?
Whoa, hold on a second, Mr. Worthless Advice, my life isn’t full of doom and gloom, right? Or is it? Aren’t you regretting your choices? Doesn’t your husband work too much? Doesn’t spend any time with you? He neglects the kids? He plays too much golf, stays up too late, works out in the yard on the weekend. This isn’t what you expected when you signed up.
If you had picked a better mate in the beginning, then you could have switched careers yourself. You were probably a successful up and coming female executive. You could have made the move to a being a housewife. Or a stay at home mom. Now, that stay at home housewife idea might make you sick because (at one time) you enjoyed working a career and having a dual income household.
Sure, I understand your husband should have been making more money, you should have had a spa day every Tuesday, yoga on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays at 10:30 am, a haircut every three weeks on Thursday. You definitely deserved to be driving a new Lexus to the gym everyday day. That yoga mat isn’t going to roll itself.
As you read this from your lounge chair, I hope you are enjoying your vacation. You do like vacation trips to Hawaii and Europe? Yeah, I bet you do. I bet if you had married someone better you could have stayed at the nice five star resort. But you didn’t. Life is rough, suck it up.
So why don’t you get off your lazy butt and write something?
OK folks. I’ve been quite neglectful in my blog writing. Sure, I could blame it on the holiday season and say I was too busy hanging up my holiday lights all over my house, my trees, my rocks, my roof to write anything remotely exciting (or sarcastic for that matter). But the truth is (since we are being honest, aren’t we?) I have been lazy for the past month or two.
Maybe I’m in the mist of trying to discover myself? Or perhaps the hot butter rum was just so delightful that I could hardly string a few words together to make a sentence much less write a blog for you to read.
Even my imaginary stalker Cyndi is disappointed in my lack of writing. I’m sorry to let her and you down.
I didn’t even wish you a Happy New Year and it is already January 7 of 2014! Man, I am scum, aren’t I?
Let’s start writing, shall we? Let’s talk about your New Year’s Resolutions that will fail miserably. My worthless advice: Never make New Year’s Resolutions. You are setting yourself up for failure. Instead, commit to a lifestyle change for the better (why would anyone make a change for the worse?). Choose to exercise more and to eat healthier. Choose to read a good novel, choose to drink less alcohol, choose to limit your Facebook time stalking your ex-girlfriend (or ex-spouse), choose to get your finances in order, choose to follow my blog by subscribing to it. Just make the choice to improve yourself. Certainly subscribing and promoting (and sharing) my blog is a good choice for you.
See? Isn’t that better than a worthless New Year’s Resolution? Make better choices in life. And your spouse says I never write anything “uplifting” in my blog. Poppycock I say!
I look forward to offering a new batch of worthless advice to you and your fellow mankind in 2014! Let the games begin!
Sunday is a wonderful day in which you wake up with high hopes to get a great deal of stuff done…but you don’t. That “To Do” List you might have started Friday night (but you really didn’t get started until lunch on Saturday) is never going to get done. Accept this fact and your life will be a lot easier.
As an unpublished motivational speaker with an imaginary stalker named Cyndi, I offer this wonderful Worthless Advice from my living room: Ditch the “To Do” List.
When you have a “To Do List”, you are setting yourself up for failure. Do you want to be a failure? Let’s be honest, you won’t accomplish anything on your list and that will make you feel like a loser, a failure, a worthless individual who can’t do anything. Is that your idea of being a “winner”?
Let’s say you have ten items on your list. So you get two done of ten and scratch them off. Wow. You finished two items…20% of your list done. Is that worth bragging about? You got 20% done. If this was a math test, you’d have failed. That’s the big “F”. Wouldn’t that make your parents proud? What about your kids? They could brag….”My mommy (or daddy) finished two things for an “F”…yeah!!!” Face it; that is a lesson your kids don’t need to learn (let them learn how much of a failure you are later in their lives).
Your kids will learn later on in life that you didn’t take them to Disneyland every year, you skipped half the teacher-parent conferences because you were too busy checking your Facebook status, and the pet bunny isn’t really living out with Uncle Simon on the farm in the country. These items can safely be hidden from them. You already killed the Tooth Fairy when your kid lost her tooth on a Saturday night, you went to bed, forgot to switch out her tooth for a dollar. Then the next morning, you wake up in a panic, grab your wallet to discover you have only a $20 bill left. So you slide your hand (palming the $20 bill) under her pillow and doing the switch….and she wakes up!
Now you have to explain that you were just “checking” to make sure the Tooth Fairy had stopped by. She looks at you suspiciously, looks under the pillow to discover that nice $20 bill and her doubt is quickly forgotten. However, then she thinks you were trying to heist her money and that opens a whole new can of worms.
Don’t be a failure. Be a winner! Forget the “To Do List”.